CHAPTER 33 - There is WAY more to me than just killer hair.

Taylor

I felt as though I was defying death by standing in the middle of a pit of anxious girls at a Hanson performance. It was as if I was bungee jumping off of the Eiffel Tower or wrestling with a nest of alligators. Its like I was spooning with the lion in his den. I constantly was looking at the girls next to me in fear they would see who I really was and pounce on me like rabid wolves, rip my body to pieces, and violate every orifice of my body they could salvage.

Brooke, after dodging a girls reckless elbow to the rib, nudged me and crouched towards my ear. Why did you want to stand in this pit again when we could be relaxing backstage?

I smiled and looked around once more. It was amazing to be completely un-bothered by an excitable crowd of Hanson fans. There was this unspoken energy within the crowd that had me beaming on the inside. It was hard not to get swept up in the crowds fervent devotion. I wanted to see what it was like out here with everyone else.

Brooke was about to say something else when she was shoved directly into me by some large blonde girl. I helped ease Brooke back onto her feet and glared at the blonde girl menacingly. What kind of person so rudely barges into another without so much as a polite excuse me?

The enormous girl looked down at me with a great deal of amusement. She was no more than a hair under six foot and at least eighty pounds overweight. She had on a tight pink Aeropostale t-shirt and a beaded bracelet that spelled Taylor resting comfortably on her chubby wrist.

Excuse you, I muttered, not threatened by this beast of a girl in the least. We all know how much I hate to be bullied.

The large girl laughed and I noticed the disposable camera in her hands. Hey, there are no cameras allowed, bitch. I HATE it when fans insist on taking pictures while Im trying to drown myself in the music. Those fucking flashes hurt my eyes and make me forget what Im doing. Im not being whiney, some of those flashes are blinding!

Excuse yourself, she muttered, giving Brooke a jealous once-over. This is my spot. This spot is directly in front of where Taylor will be crooning in just a few agonizing minutes. I always stand here because he looks for me. I noticed the two girls that were with her roll their eyes.

If that were true, I honestly wouldnt have to look very hard to find a blonde that resembled a house more than a human.

Im surprised people dont complain that they cant see around her.

She continued to glare at Brooke with an evil, jealous tone. I wanted so badly to magically turn into me, the boy, again and be like, Haha, bitch! Ive slept with this girl! And then I would watch her crumble into a million little bitch pieces like the scary skank she was! Of course, then I would die from being trampled on by a million other girls after they saw Taylor Hanson was within grabbing distance.

I smirked. He looks for you?

The blonde nodded conceitedly. He and I have a connection.

A connection I repeated, dumbly. Yeah, were both homo sapiens.

At least, I think we are.

Oh, yeah, she continued, fingering her eerie Taylor bracelet lovingly. It was enough to make the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight. I dont want to brag, and Im sure he doesnt want me talking about it, but he and I are kind of dating.

I burst out laughing. Brooke elbowed me in the ribs as the blondes nostrils began to flare. I forced myself to cease the overwhelming chuckles. The insanity of others was always put a smile on my face. It made me feel more secure in my own.

Thats very nice, Brooke said, smiling nervously. Enjoy the concert.

I know I shouldnt have done it. I should have left well enough alone. To encourage such a colorful young girl was a wrong thing to do but I knew Id never get the chance to interact in such a way again.

So, then you must be the mother of his love child, I began, causing Brooke to glare at me pleadingly. Ive heard about you and that week in the Hamptons! I chuckled and patted her beefy shoulder. Now, you guys did it for seven hours straight, right? Or was it eight? You never know whats true on the Internet

The girls face turned about seven kinds of sour. I dont think Ive ever seen such raging jealousy. The look on her face when shed been eyeing Brooke couldnt hold a candle to the look on her face now. She looked as though she was going to throw up and then kill herself.

Ive done a good job.

So, how did you meet Taylor? I asked, hearing Brooke clear her throat. What she saw as danger, I merely saw as fun. Was it at a radio show or was it at a hotel?

The girl still looked as though she was about to cry from my earlier statement. I dont know why she cared if I screwed girls, not like shed ever get the chance to. Now, Im not completely fixated on looks, so dont get the wrong idea! I enjoy being with a girl whos interesting to talk to. But, I would never date fanatic. A fan, maybe. A fanatic, never. They just scared me. We would have nothing to talk about on a first date because she would already know everything about me! And that makes me a little nervous, girls who already know everything about me, since Ive been corned many a time by a girl who was all too willing to give me a quickie behind a gas station or hotel hallway.

And one time, when I was thirteen, two fans made me cry.

Its kind of embarrassingsince I cried and all.

Hey, I was thirteen and one was trying to unbutton my pants while the other kept trying to French kiss me. Mmmbop had just come out on the radio and two older teenage girls recognized me from the video. I had been walking down a hallway towards the hotel room Ike and I were sharing. The two girls cornered me, told me that I was already a looker, and that they were going to make a man out of me. I remember the one who was kissing me kept pulling hard on my rattail. I started crying from fear and begged them to leave me alone. It was only when one of the bodyguards heard me screaming that they finally were forced off me.

Im Laurie, the big girl said, out of the blue. She continued to play with the bracelet around her wrist. And my friends are Deanna and Jenny.

Hi, I replied, happy to get away from Memory Lane. Im T-Abby. This is Brooke. All three girls faces flickered with jealousy as Brooke waved politely.

Nice to meet you, Tabby, Laurie said, nodding. So, how many times have you ventured out to see the boys?

Abby, TabbyI guess it didnt make much difference what she called me since neither were my real name.

This is my first time as an audience member, I replied, truthfully. You.

Ive seen them eight times, Laurie explained, her friends nodding. Holy crap! Eight times? We all have. The Albertane Tour was phenomenal. Thank you. And, we had our parents take turn driving us to various cities. Laurie shrugged. Thats when Taylor and I finally met. I was waiting for Dee and Jenny to come back from the bathroom and Taylor came towards me out of nowhere! He started talking to me, telling me that he recognized me from on stage, and that he looked for me every night. Deanna and Jennys eyes looked as though they might roll out of their heads. He didnt need to use words, but I could tell that he was enamored with me. It was in his eyes, you know. They are the windows to his soul. I just looked into them and saw the emotion behind his casual words. She gazed off into the distance fondly.

Dont they have medication for people who suffer from hallucinations?

Brooke looked as though she was about to start laughing. I guess her fear of this beastly girl was starting to wear off. Besides, if need be Im sure we could easily outrun her.

I like Taylor too, Jenny said, so softly that it was hard to hear her. I turned my full attention to her and smiled. I caught myself giving her my appreciative fan smile that seemed to plaster itself on my face whenever fans complimented me. I really did appreciate them, its just that compliments make me feel awkward. Especially since I cant compliment back. I love his voice. Dont you?

Now THATS my kind of girl!

It is kinda okay, I relented, my cheeks reddening. I dont know. Sometimes it goes sharp and sometimes when Im tired or sick it gets all scratchy I wish it sounded more like Billy Joels or John Lennons Oh, did I need to stop talking!

The three girls eyed me weirdly.

Hey, what are they looking at? The big one thinks Im in love with her!

This is my first concert, Brooke said, smiling brightly. So, Im excited to hear them perform live. Theyre such great guys her voice faltered nervously as my breath caught in my throat. Er so Ive heard.

Well, Taylor is such a gentleman, Laurie explained, in a patronizing tone. I would know because of our, you know, fling.

The novelty of this girls delusions was disintegrating fast.

I like Zac. I think hes so hot! Deanna gushed, squealing so loudly that I thought my eardrums were going to burst. Even Brooke had to take a step back. His hair is so sexy and long and I love his lips! Oh my God, I could suck on those for hours!

Excuse me while I hurl the French toast I had for brunch.

I felt Brooke nudge me in the ribs. I glanced over at her and she winked at me. Oh, right. She thought I was Zacs girlfriend. I keep forgetting that and I suppose that little detail was kind of important. I shuddered as I imagined Brooke thought I sucked on those lips for hours

I need to stop grossing myself out all the time.

Eh, hes not my type, I said, causing Brooke to bite her tongue roughly. I dont think Ive been more honest then at that point.

So, do you think theyre going to release an album soon? Jenny asked. I definitely liked her the most. How she fell in with these two scary girls, I just dont know. I mean, its already the year 2000. What are they waiting for anyway?

Hey, making a record is hard work! I exclaimed, huffily. We were producing ART, people! This isnt bubble gum pop crap we were trying to create. This record was supposed to be a reflection of the band at this point in our lives. Hanson will not rush just to meet the demands of critics or labels or even fans! Hell no! They are their own bosses, damn it! Did Michealangelo rush the Sistine Chapel? HECK NO! Brilliance takes time, my dears. It just takes time.

I heard Brooke sigh heavily. Im sure when they eventually put out a record it will be fantastic.

Damn right I mumbled. I suddenly remembered that there wasnt going to be a next record. There was no more Taylor Hanson, so how could there be Hanson? I dont mean that to sound arrogant. If there were no Isaac Hanson, there would be no Hanson. Same for Zac. The three of us, together, is what made us great.

Jenny was about to say something else when all of a sudden there was a faint Hanson! Hanson! Hanson! being chanted over and over. Unable to keep a grin of awe and joy off my face, I turned around and noticed that there were thousands of girls behind me. My mouth hung open stupidly, as I noticed the insane amount of girls screaming their heads off. It was so flattering to think that so many fans had turned up for the mere two songs Hanson was going to perform.

We had fans! We had energetic, vibrant, die-hard fans that had come out by the zillions to support us. My heart swelled with gratitude as I listened to them chant my last name with chilling demand. Brooke squeezed my hand excitedly as a short man with dark sunglasses and a tight, pink button-down shirt ran out onto the small stage.

The girls screamed anxiously as the man held his hand up to silence them. I started laughing. If holding your hand in the air would silence a Hanson fan, then Ill become the next queen of England.

Ladies, I know youre excited to see your local boys whove gone from Tulsa to international fame! And frankly, I cant blame you! He exclaimed, resting his hand on his hip. He clearly chose to talk OVER the screaming since there was no way to stop it, really. I just had a talk with the boys and let me tell you, that Taylor is a babe! Pause for more unnecessary girl squealing. My cheeks reddened as Laurie jumped up and down excitedly next to me.

Im not a babe

So, without further ado, lets give a warm round of applause to HANSON!

In that instant, I was suddenly pushed directly into the girl in front of me. Brooke screamed as she too was pounded into the girl in front of her. Thank heavens I was tall, or I might have lost the ability to breathe as girls pushed and shoved to get centimeters closer to the guys. I grabbed Brookes hand to make sure we couldnt get separated. I would have to make a mental note to tell my brothers, if they ever played again, to tell the audience to stop shoving. Someone could get seriously hurt.

I felt a sad heaviness fill my chest as Ike, Zac, and Abby skipped onto the stage. I momentarily forgot the lack of breathing room I had as Abby nervously smiled and waved at the audience. Laurie was screaming her head off and nearly plowing over the poor girl in front of her. I furrowed my brow as Isaac greeted the audience. Zac had trotted over to the drumset and waved at an eager fan sweetly. Abby, looking a little sick to her stomach, stiffly sat down at the piano.

I couldnt believe that I was actually jealous of Abby. I know she wasnt doing this to take anything away from me, far from it. I just didnt like being on this side of the stage and I wanted my rightful position back! I was Taylor Hanson, damn it! I was born to be on that stage with my brothers! This wasnt fair. This was more like torture.

And Laurie must have forgotten to put on deodorant because I smell stinky pits.

And, naturally, her pits and my nose were in pretty close proximity of one another.

Despite my overwhelming jealousy, I felt a little nervous for Abby. She was terrified of singing in front of people and there were WAY more people here than what wed planned on. From what Zac had told me last night, Abby had only just barely gotten through Mmmbop. He had faith in her though, which was comforting to hear. I only hoped that the extra people werent going to make her choke. Isaac would go out of his mind with paranoia and confusion and the fans? I dont know what the hell they would think.

He looks so hot! Laurie screamed, tears in her eyes. Oh my God, I love his hair! And hes wearing a green t-shirt. He looks so good in t-shirts. Oh my God, his face is so sexy Can I please have sex with his face? Um, is that physically possible, sweetness? Personally, I thought the green t-shirt Abby had on was atrocious and if these fans even knew me at all they would know I would sooner wear a garbage bag.

My eyes widened as I noticed she was wearing black suspenders.

Um, what the hell was she doing to me? SUSPENDERS? First a sweatervest and now suspenders? What next, red nail polish? This is killing me. How could she go on in front of people looking like that? I can just see the Internet fan pages now! They would rip me to shreds! Had she no conscience?

It was evident that Abby and I needed to have a little chat about appropriate stage attire.

Did you see him smile at Zac? Deanna exclaimed, shaking from excitement. Ooohnow hes smiling back I love the way Zacs eyes crinkle when he smiles!

Do you think Taylorll strip down to a beater again? Laurie asked Deanna, in the piercing, screeching voice Ive learned to loathe and fear. If he does Ill just melt into a puddle of drool! Ill just die if he sweats and his beater gets all clingy and see-through

Christ, is this all girls think about?

What am I to these girls? A piece of man meat? You know, Im a person too. Just because Im a rockstar doesnt mean I dont have normal people feelings. There is WAY more to me than just killer hair. People can be so short-sighted.

Im gonna take those suspenders and spank him right on his firm, little ass with them

I totally just purped right now.

You know, when you puke and burp at the same time? Yeah, I totally just did that. It was so gross.

Dont worry though, I swallowed it.

Hey, everyone! How are yall tonight? Isaac exclaimed, into the microphone. Zac banged excitedly on the drums, Abby cracked her knuckles constantly, and the girls just screamed their heads off. Theyre good at that. Now, Im not sure you know this one. This one is a new song we like to call This Time Around. Abby took a moment and looked at all the fans. I could see the panic in her eyes and she was swallowing more than necessary.

I bit my lip and prayed that Abby would come through.

Hit it, Tay! Zac exclaimed, grinning at Abby.

Abby nodded and with shaking fingers began the introduction. Its getting colder in this ditch where I lie. Im feeling older and Im wondering why. Isaac joined in on the harmony, which put her more at ease. I could feel myself smiling, relieved, as they broke into the chorus. Abby was singing her heart out, and doing me proud.

TAYLOR I LOVE YOU! Laurie screamed, making me grab my left ear in agony. Hes so hot

I felt tears come to my eyes as the second chorus started. Abby was nodding rhythmically as she pounded the piano. Her hair was covering her eyes, but I could tell that she was completely immersing herself into the song. My song. My masterpiece. If I couldnt be the one up there pouring my heart out at least Abby was doing the song justice. Her feet were also thumping rhythmically as she played and I wondered if she even realized she was doing it.

Ive started feeling like I dont want to fight, she sang, softly. Her eyes left the keyboard for a moment and glanced into the audience. Her eyes sparkled when she found me in the crowd, waving my hand in the air like a true teeny. Give in to the given and put out the light. Her attention immediately went back to her fingers on the piano.

I TOLD YOU HE LOOKED FOR ME! Laurie screeched, grabbing Deanna forcefully. She turned to Brooke and I with a mixture of triumph and shock on her face. I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!

Cannons a blazing shower these moonlit skies. Then I remember and I know why he died. Abby flipped her quickly dampening hair out of her face. Do you know why Id die? YEAH!

He flipped his hair! Did you see that? I asked Brooke, who was watching Abby perform with a glint of lust in her eyes. I felt yet another twinge of jealousy but I quickly pushed it aside. That was MY hair flip! Mine! He took it! Brooke just smiled at me, never taking her eyes off Abby.

I cannot believe she took my super-secret-sexy move!

They completed the song, which drove the girls berserk. I wanted so badly to have been up there, taking in their deafening cheers. Zac had gone over to Abby and was whispering in her ear and patting her excitedly on her back. Shed been great. She really had come through for me on that one. I mean, she wasnt ME, but she was pretty damn close and that frightened me. I looked to the side of me and none of my hardcore fans had even noticed a change. I couldnt decide whether I was pleased or insulted.

Zac, Isaac, and Abby moved in towards the center as they prepared to play Mmmbop. Isaac was giving some speech about how this song changed our lives and some other crap. Abby had a vibrant smile on her face and the girls were eating it up for breakfast. I constantly heard I love yous and Youre so hots and I wondered if Abby could even make them out. Abby was listening to Isaac intently as he spoke about how much the audience meant to them and how he looks forward to seeing us more in the future. That caused a tiny falter in Abbys gigantic smile, but she quickly plastered it back on.

Isaac finally stopped babbling and began the beginning chords of Mmmbop. Abby began with my trademark groans. It was obvious that she was more nervous with this one, since it sounded as though she was more conservative with this song. She managed to get lost within This Time Around, which helped her forget her fear of singing in public and also sell her as Taylor Hanson. But this time, there was a stiffness in her appearance and her eyes remained fixated on the floor.

I was positively terrified. Zac was watching Abby closely as he banged the bongos and sang his harmony. Isaac, however, was more discreet in his eyeing of Abby. He was trying so greatly to immerse himself into the song so it wasnt so obvious that there was something wrong with Taylor. For the chorus, Isaacs voice was a lot louder than Abbys, which made me bite my lip. I had the melody. My part had to be the strongest.

Aw, look at him, Laurie exclaimed, her eyes full of puppy love. He looks so scared and vulnerable. I just want to kiss him all over

Yeah, like that wouldnt scare me into a coma.

Zac grinned suddenly and screamed into the microphone, TAYLORS HOT!

Err Last time I checked, that wasnt part of the song

Isaac shot him a look so utterly mortified while Abby just burst out laughing. The girls started screaming and they stopped the song abruptly. Isaac looked as though he was about to burst a blood vessel in his neck while Zac shrugged helplessly at him. Abby, meanwhile, was laughing her crazy head off as the girls continued to scream. Abby ducked as a black bra was chucked right at her.

Abby picked it up by the strap and examined it, which drove all the girls absolutely crazy. I guess seeing Taylor Hanson examining a bra was something to get excited over? 34 C. Not exactly my size, but perhaps I can find a more creative use for it. Again, more screaming. Abby held it up to her chest. Anybody got a 32 A?

I dont know why, but I crossed my hands over my chest protectively.

Zac was damn near pissing himself as Isaac tried his best to look like he wasnt really trying to disappear into a black hole. Isaac eventually started to lighten up as he took in the audiences delighted reaction to stopping the song and joking around. I think about a hundred bras ended up on that stage within the next five minutes. And Im not exaggerating. Abby was delighted to have found a 32A, and she set it aside happily. If she thinks that Im going to wear some nasty girls bra that I dont even know, well shes wrong! I only wear other girls thongs. Zac was overjoyed to have received a 36 DD and proudly tied it around his head as a bandanna. He looked positively ridiculous. Even Ike was enjoying the bra shower, though sensibly refrained from actually touching any of them.

The girls were eating this up like a fat kid in a pie shop. I looked around and saw them pointing and giggling, and I tried desperately to hear what everyone was saying.

They must be so fun to hang out with

Look at Zac! Hes got one on his head!

Its so good to see them up there having fun

I swear to God, if I get within reaching distance of Ike I mentally repressed the last of that statement.

Okay, weve had our fun, Zac exclaimed, holding his arms up. How about we give Mmmbop another try, now that were in the proper mood?

Pandemonium, bloody pandemonium.

They began to play the beginning of Mmmbop, this time with renewed energy. Abby must have forgotten all about her fear and began singing beautifully. She was shaking her head as she shook the shakers she was holding. She kept looking at Zac and smiling brightly.

I now see the method of his madness.

That bastard is so fucking brilliant sometimes.

The girls were jumping up and down, screaming (you really couldnt call it singing by any standards) along with the lyrics. I felt as though I was at some heavy metal concert. I winced as I got hit in the face by long, blonde hair. I looked over at Brooke and raised an eyebrow at her, a smile creeping onto my face. She was jumping and flipping her hair around like the rest of the crazy fans. And, as I looked around, I noticed that I was the only one who wasnt head-banging or jumping around like a baboon. Well, it was me and the one guy who was here with his girlfriend.

I started bouncing a little with the crowd. The energy exuded by Isaac, Zac, and Abby was too great and infectious to not be affected by it. I couldnt help but squeal like a teeny when I noticed that people were moshing.

People were moshing for Mmmbop.

This was blowing me completely away! Who knew something like this could happen?

I couldnt even hear Abbys last note, since the shrieks from the audience were deafening. The hearty cheers were enough to send shivers down my spine. It sounded like there were a hundred thousand people around me, but there was probably only about a thousand or fifteen hundred. Abby, Zac, and Isaac held hands and bowed together.

And that was the straw that broke the camels back.

Now, I wasnt the only girl crying at this concert. Theyd waited a long time for two measly songs, and they truly still loved us. And I think some were crying due to their urgent desires to have our love children. But I was crying for different reasons all together.

That should have been me.

I should have been up there, holding hands with Ike and smiling appreciatively to the thunderous cheers. I should have been the one up there, glowing with sweat and excitement of the performance. I should be feeling the awesome adrenaline rush that comes with performing for a hungry audience.

They trotted off stage eventually, Zac still sporting his DD bra bandanna. I caught a glimpse of my fathers expression from the side of the stage. He was shaking his head good-naturedly. Thats my Dad, though. His son could be wearing a freaking bra on his forehead and hed just shake his head. God, did I miss him.

That was the greatest fucking show Ive ever seen! Laurie screeched, to her friends. She was shaking all over and her cheeks were splotched with pink from her excitement. Girls everywhere were gossiping about their take on their stopping Mmmbop. Everyone thought it was freaking brilliant! They thought Taylor was so charming and funny and all that stupid crap girls say.

I was just amazed that Abby actually pulled it off. She convinced my brother and my fans that she was me. I couldnt help but feel like a complete nothing. Was I really that easy to replace? Mind you, she sang wrong notes here and there and she can handle the piano with as much finesse as a lobster, but she could sing the hell out of my songs. But still! Ive been doing this my entire life and she just replaces me in two days.

That was so awesome! Brooke exclaimed, excitedly. I had no idea their shows were so amazing! God, the way they interacted with the audience was absolutely incredible. She looped her arm through mine as we slowly made our way towards my dad. For a while I thought Tay was going to puke but he ended up pulling through. Its so cute that even after all these years he gets stage fright

No I dont.

Yeah, I muttered, forcing myself to perk up. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, Abby did a huge favor for me. She really put herself out there for me and for my brothers. And, I really was proud of her for portraying me so well. I definitely owed her big time.

Brooke and I were allowed in the getaway car near the small trailer that was Hansons dressing room after about a fifteen minutes of waiting. Other psycho and non-psycho girls were waiting outside also, but thankfully there were about ten bodyguards outside to keep girls from barging in and seeing the band get dressed.

I forced myself to smile as Isaac emerged out of the trailer, Zac second, and lastly, Abby. The girls screamed their heads off as their eyed laid upon their beloved Taylor. I only shoved my hands into my jean short pockets and tried my best to allow Abby to receive her deserving praise. I only hoped my face wasnt completely green with jealousy.