CHAPTER 32 - But if this goes well, Im going solo. Either that, or Im joining NSYNC.

Abby

Its getting colder, in this ditch where I sit

Zac waved his hands and I stopped singing. Lie, not sit. Ditch where I lie. And, youre flat.

I groaned. It was Thursday, and Zac and I had both skipped school to practice for this weekends mini-concert. We sneaked out to their personal recording studio so no one at the house would A) know that wed skipped school and B) hear us practicing. We both decided that if I was going to even appear remotely similar to Taylor on stage, that I was in for a lot of hard work. Id spent last nights entirety on watching home videos of the guys performances, trying to pick up mannerisms and other helpful pointers. For the most part, Id memorized all of the words to both Mmmbop and This Time Around. I had forty-eight hours to transform into the Taylor Hanson performance phenomenon.

And to be perfectly honest, I was failing miserably.

There is no way Im going to be able to learn two songs! I whined, banging on the evil piano of death angrily. If this thing wasnt so fucking complicated then maybe I might have been able to master it.

Zac sighed, also noticeably frustrated. Needless to say, I wasnt the most gifted of pupils. You dont have to learn two songs on the piano. All youre going to have to play is This Time Around. Ive managed to talk Ike into singing Mmmbop acoustic, and Ill take the bongos. Im going to give you little shakers so all you have to do it keep a rhythm. Do you think you can do that?

Ill do anything you want as long as I can get away from this confounded piece of crap some call a piano, I muttered, peering at my cheat sheet of lyrics. How do you expect me to sing lyrics like these? Its getting colder in this ditch where I lie? Im feeling older and Im wondering why? Ill tell you why youre getting colder! Youre lying in a freaking ditch! Ditches arent the most temperate of places! And youre feeling older because youre sitting around wasting your life in a fucking ditch, pondering the meaning of your life! Who wrote this crap, anyway?

Zac narrowed his eyes at me. We ALL did.

It sounds like Taylor. He WOULD chill out in a ditch and then wonder why he felt cold, I muttered, shaking my head. I could feel a hateful glare coming from Zac, and I thoughtfully ignored it. No need to get testy, Im just stating my honest opinion.

Ikes going to want to practice later tonight when hes done with classes, Zac warned, deciding not to comment on my judgments on his music. So, we have our work cut out for us.

I felt the oh so familiar sense of hopelessness creep into my heart. I might be able to fool a couple of teenage girls, but theres no way Im going to fool Ike. How am I going to do this?

Zac sighed. I dont know. But, I cant think of anything to change it. If we dont do this, Ike will be so devastated. He looked down at his hands as he rubbed them together. And Ive missed performing too. If this is the last time well, I just I just

I put a hand on his shoulder and smiled. Dont worry, Zac. I can do this. I can do this for you, and Isaac, and Taylor. I took a deep breath and put my hands on the piano. Lets try this beginning part again. Zac nodded and closed his eyes as I muddled through the first half of This Time Around. I didnt sing along, but tried my best to remember how to play the song. I noticed Zac chew his lip every time I accidentally hit a wrong key. Id learned as much as the bridge in the six hours wed been practicing, and I stopped at the last part I learned, apprehensively awaiting my criticism.

Zac looked at me and smiled softly. Well, this is the best time Ive heard it. A few wrong notes here and there. And the transition parts are crap. But, he grinned broadly. I think were ready to put the piano and verses together, arent we?

I nodded, terrified out of my mind. I HATED singing in front of people, even if it was only Zac and with Taylors voice.

I nervously began the introduction of the song. Its getting colder in this ditch where I slie. Im feeling older, and Im wondering why. I heard they told herooh, wrong note-- it was tell and live or

STOP! Zac shouted, standing up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into a standing position. I gave him a peculiar look. I dont know what Id done wrong exactly, since I was pretty sure Id actually gotten the words right for once. Sing.

I rolled my eyes. He just LOVED to make me suffer. Its getting colder in this ditch Zac, smiling and nodding as if hed just realized something, put his hand on my stomach. I was about ready to stop singing and tell him to watch his hands when suddenly I felt him suddenly put a firm pressure on my stomach. WHERE I LIE. IM FEELING OLDER AND IM WONDERING WHY. Zac took his hand off my stomach and I wheezed for breath.

What the hell, Zac? I exclaimed, clutching my sore tummy.

You werent singing from your diaphragm.

And forcing my intestines into my spine will enable me to do so? I muttered, narrowing my eyes at him. Who cares if I sing from my diaphragm as long as I remember the words?

Zac sighed and sat back down on the chair next to the piano. Look, Taylor is a lot better at teaching people crap like this than me. He can tell you why, how, where everything. The only thing I can tell you is that you need to make a lot of people think that Taylor is still the Taylor Hanson that they knew and loved. He was the voice, the heart and soul of ninety percent of our songs. If you sing half-assed, you will be the opposite of everything Taylor was. He was always 110 percent all the time! He was the one that created energy and sparks when I had a head cold or Ike had a sore throat. Its his passion that made people forget if he were to hit a sour note, or if my voice cracked, or if Ike broke a guitar string. He puts people into trances, makes them forget their names. He shook his head. It should have been me who got switched. Not Taylor. Taylor is too hard to replace

I put my hand on his cheek and smiled supportively. Zac, its impossible for anyone to replace Taylor, and it would be impossible for anyone to replace you too. You cant feel guilty for something you had no control over. I could never be you on stage or in real life. Zac gave me a tired look. Im serious! First of all, I will never admit to saying this but youre way smarter than me. I could never live up to your genius. And second, Taylor might be the crooner who makes insipid little girls cream their panties but you are just as enamoring as he is on stage.

Sure, Abby, Zac replied, darkly. Lets just get back to work.

Would you just shut your pigheaded mouth and listen to me? I exclaimed, smacking him upside the head. Ive watched the tapes. Taylor does get lost in the music, Ill admit it, but I can tell that sometimes he hams it up for the ladies. All of the orgasmic looks, the throaty groans, the occasional beaters? Thats not natural ALL the time. But you, you have a more subtle way of seducing an audience.

Abby Zac was actually blushing. It was a seldom sight, seeing Zac Hanson squirm.

Can you kindly shut the hell up so I can finish my fucking compliment? Zac put his hands up in front of him. My tone softened. You can be headbanging or simply smirking, your intense gaze fixating on the audience, and be completely captivating. I grinned devilishly. However, it wouldnt hurt the act if you would strip down to a beater every now and then. The girls might want to look at something that isnt just skin and bones.

Three hours later, at exactly 5:07 PM, Zacs cell phone started ringing its obnoxious Sir Mix-a-lot ring tone. I stopped playing the bridge of TTA and grumbled as Zac ruefully answered his cell.

 Lo? He muttered, running a hand through his long, blond hair. I took this moment to take another swig of water from the Aquafina bottle resting on top of the piano.

ZAC? ARE YOU OKAY? WHERES ABBY? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?

I rose an eyebrow at Zac as he held the phone away from his throbbing ear. I could hear the hysterical voice from six feet away and I knew in an instant that it was Taylor. I knew that earsplitting screech anywhere.

Tay, can you lower your voice please? Zac begged, hesitantly holding the cell phone near his tender eardrum again. Were fine. Were in the studio practicing for this weekend.

There was a long pause. Shes actually going through with it? Even when Taylor was speaking normally, I could still hear the entire conversation. Those zillion-decibel concerts hed performed must have taken their toll on his hearing.

Yup, Zac replied, cracking his back. I stuck out my tongue as I heard a juicy pop. Hey, you wouldnt be able to pop over for a bit and help with our Taylor trainee, would you? I think I know all of the piano parts for This Time Around, but Im not sure.

I cant.

Zac and I sighed simultaneously. Brookes there, right? Damn it Cant you lose her for a couple of hours? Abbys doing really well but Im not you! Maybe if you could come over to the studio for a bit

I was doing well? Ill be damned

Zac Taylors voice trailed off and we could hear him talking to Brooke. Oh, its Zac. Yeah They just felt like skipping Yup I will There was some more muffling on the phone before Taylor returned his attention to Zac. That was Brooke. She says hi. I rolled my eyes. Look, I cant get together There was more muffling but I couldnt hear what was being said, which irritated me to no end.

Feeling annoyed, I got up and walked outside of the studio for some greatly needed fresh air. My legs were so cramped from playing piano for nearly nine hours straight. I had learned the entire song by heart, but I was still messing up on the bridge and my singing was a little flat every now and then. When Zac sang his harmony along with me, it helped. Even though sometimes I accidentally started singing his part with him. But that only happened a couple of times, really.

About ten minutes later, Zac emerged from the studio and grinned broadly at me. Were, or rather, Im picking him up at the house at eight. He told Brooke that we had a date tonight. He was beaming with excitement. Abby, youre doing great. Taylor can help you with some of your sour notes and basic performing skills. He put an arm around me. Thanks again for doing this, Abby.

Now it was my turn to blush. I cant help it if Im a natural. I winked at him. But if this goes well, Im going solo. Either that, or Im joining NSYNC.

Zac cackled obnoxiously. Thats a great idea if you want to send Taylor to an early grave.

Ill have to keep that in mind My voice trailed off as my stomach gurgled loudly. Zac chuckled. How about we order a pizza?

Double cheese, double pepperoni? Zac asked, quickly whipping out his cell.

My stomach rumbled again. Make that triple cheese and double pepperoni.

***

I was a bundle of jitters as Taylor sat down beside Zac in the studio. My hands were shaking embarrassingly, and I could feel tiny beads of sweat forming. I cleared my throat a couple of times to remove the giant frog that had decided to reside there. I dont know why exactly, but performing for Taylor was driving me out of my mind with anxiety. It was as if he were the Simon Cowell of judges, inspecting me under a microscope.

Go ahead, Abby, Zac said, encouragingly. Taylor had a sad look on his face that seemed to only make me more nervous. I was afraid he was going to think that I was so awful and that no one would EVER think that I could be Taylor Hanson! I took a deep breath and forced evil thoughts of failure out of my clouded head.

I bit my lip as I began the introduction. Taylors eyes closed and it looked as though he was trying to mentally play along with me. Its getting colder in this ditch where I lie. Im feeling older, and Im wondering why. I heard they told her it was tell and live or die. I didnt know her, but I know why she died. You cant say, I didnt give it. I wont wait another minute. Were on our way this time around. And we wont go down. I played in silence during what would be Isaacs solo. Zac was going to accompany Ike with the harmony so I was simply going to play during this section. I continued with the chorus, the bridge, and then the chorus. I finished the last note and sat back on the bench, nervously looking at Taylor for some sort of reaction.

He was just staring at me, his eyes wide.

Was I awful? I squeaked, feeling tears. After working on one stupid song for twelve hours straight, minus an hour pizza break, I was feeling a little drained to say the least.

She sounds just like you, Zac said, tears in his eyes. A couple of wrong notes here and there but nothing serious. I think we can pull this off.

I just looked at Taylor, a hopeful expression on my face.

Taylor was finally about to open his mouth when Zacs cell phone rang again. Zac looked down at it and instantly looked up at me.

Its Ike.

I think I just wet my boxerbriefs.

I was not ready for Ike yet. I still messed up on the bridge here and there and was a little slow on the tempo at times. Ike would know in a heartbeat that I wasnt playing the way Taylor had always played! I think Im going to faint.

Whoa! Taylor exclaimed, diving towards me to keep me from sliding off the bench. Zac had gone off to talk to Isaac outside of the studio. He sat down next to me and daintily placed his hands on the piano, a look on his face that seemed so serene. His fingers werent as long as they used to be, but he had no trouble tickling the ivories with finesse. I couldnt help but smile as he broke into Heart and Soul.

Hey, thats the one song I can play! I exclaimed, laughing. I pushed his hands off and started from the beginning. Taylor jumped in and we played a lovely rendition. There was a heaviness in his smile, but I could tell he was trying not to think about our troubles.

You know, when I was writing this song with my brothers, Taylor began, smoothly sliding into the introduction of This Time Around. We were so passionate about making a comeback. Middle of Nowhere is something that were all proud of, but this new record, well, it was going to be an evolution for the band. We were more than a catchy pop tune, more than long hair and big smiles on a magazine cover. I watched his fingers glide across the piano with about as much effort as it took to breathe. No matter what people said about us, the music would always be there. We werent going to become fake pop stars with shiny clothes and trendy hair. We were doing this for the art. The passion. The music. Its always been about the music. And the chorus, it just was this incredible statement for us to make. Its fervent, its intense. He began to play the chorus. You cant say I didnt give it. I wont wait another minute. Were on our way, this time around.

He began the song from the beginning and I could only simply sit there, enamored. He may not have had the throaty, grainy voice that could make grown women wet themselves, but there was something about the honesty of his performance, the awe of his complete submersion within his art. There was no falsehood or pretension in his voice, simply a genuine intensity that made you feel as though you were intruding on something truly sacred and personal.

Taylor stopped singing and sat back, his hands lingering on the silent keys. He was breathing a little heavier than usual, due to the exertion. He looked at me and laughed softly.

Catching any flies, Abby?

I closed my gaping mouth and gave him a wowed look. I dont play like that.

He shrugged. I created this song. It means something to me that it could never mean to you. I dont mean that in a derogatory way, its just that its sort of like a child to me while its merely a pretty song to you.

Its a great song, I said, honestly. Its just the first verse that bugs me.

Taylors eyes crinkled as he chuckled. Zac wrote that one.

Well, shit.

Zac reemerged into the studio and sat down in his seat near the piano bench Taylor and I were sharing. Ike is tearing his hair out. He wants to practice. I told him that we went to the library to do our homework after school if he asks for some reason. Zac stood up and sighed. Well, Abby. Are you ready for your acting debut?

I looked over at Taylor and he gave me a confident nod. Turning back to Zac I said firmly, Now I am.

***

Now that I was in Isaacs intimidating presence, I think I forgot every bit of criticism and advice Taylor had given me during the car ride back to the Hanson household. The basement, where the guys used to practice all the time, looked like a dungeon to me. As Isaac tuned his guitar and Zac banged haphazardly on his drums, I constantly cracked my knuckles to keep my hands from shaking so much. I wasnt as nervous performing for Ike as Id been for Taylor, but I was still positive that I was going to die of a heart attack for stressing out as much as I was.

Isaac hadnt questioned us when we brought Taylor down to the basement to watch us practice, but he didnt look too pleased about it either. I suppose they didnt make a habit of inviting girlfriends to band practice too often. Taylor just watched us warm up silently, a look of contained misery on his face.

So let me get this straight, Isaac began, setting down the guitar. Well probably only get to sing a couple of songs, and you want to sing This Time Around and Mmmbop?

Yeah, Zac replied, easily. I mean, This Time Around is new and powerful. I want our fans to get to hear it in case in case they dont hear much else from us. I felt a pang of guilt. And we cant very well not sing Mmmbop! Thats the song people actually know us for.

Isaac relented. Yeah, youre right. Those two make the most sense. You agree, Taylor?

Yeah. Uh huh. You bet.

Good job, Abby. Sound like a blithering idiot!

Okay, so you want to go through Mmmbop and then work whatever kinks we have out of This Time Around? Isaac asked, picking up his guitar once again.

I shot Zac a look of panic. I knew the words to Mmmbop and kind of how it went from hearing it on the radio eons ago. I wasnt Taylor-worthy, or at least as Taylor-worthy as I was going to get just yet.

Nah, I think we have Mmmbop, Zac said, as nonchalantly as possible. This caused Isaac to look at him incredulously. I mean, weve performed it so much that I think its really unnecessary to drill it into the ground. I think we have way more work to do on This Time Around.

Isaac looked agitated already. Taylor could tell too, judging by the way he was biting his fingernails. Well, I would really feel a lot better if we ran through it at least once. Theres no harm in practicing.

God, if you would be so kind as to strike me dead

Eh, we can practice tomorrow, Zac replied, casually. He started playing a rhythm on the drums. Why dont we start with TTA?

Isaac looked over at me. Taylor? Dont you think we should practice Mmmbop?

GOD YES!

No, I think weve got it.

Fine, Isaac muttered, getting a little pissed that he had been outvoted yet again. Lets get it started then.

With the fear of death nearly choking me to death, my fingers slowly began the introduction. I got to the middle of my first verse when Isaac yelled for me to stop. Scared to death of my own incompetence, I looked over at him.

You were flat, Isaac stated, sticking his pick in his mouth so he could play with one of the strings that had somehow become loose. He took the pick out and gave the guitar a good strum. He smiled, obviously pleased with the change that my untrained ear could not pick up on. Youre never flat. Occasionally sharp, but never flat. Zacs the flat one.

Zac gave me an apologetic look.

Sorry? I sucked. I was the worst Taylor Hanson fill-in ever. I should kill myself now while I still have some dignity.

Try it again from, I didnt know her but I know why she lied. Lied was flat.

I thought for a moment, trying to remember where my fingers went. Id never started from the middle before. I faintly heard Taylor humming a note but I wasnt quite sure which key it was on the piano. The loud YOU SUCK repeating in the back of my head wasnt helping matters either.

Are you confused, Tay? Ike asked, concerned. I could feel Zacs intense glare burning a hole in the back of my head. Taylor was still softly humming a note.

No. I bit my lip and picked a key. I nearly cried as I noticed that it matched the note Taylor had been humming. Taylor grinned excitedly and I felt as though I had just crossed the Sahara on foot. I didnt know her, but I know why she lied. I didnt know her, but I know why she died Isaac, seemingly pleased with my pitch, joined in on the guitar and I heard Zac then chime in with the drumbeat. We got to the bridge and Isaac stopped us again.

That was slow, Isaac said, coming closer to me. I was sweating bullets.

I thought I was supposed to sing that part a little slower, I lied, hoping he wouldnt pick up on my nervousness. You know, for dramatic effect.

Isaac thought for a moment. Play it the way you did again. I quickly did as I was told. He nodded, probably seeing little notes in his head. I stopped as I began the chorus again. I glanced up at him hopefully.

Well? I asked, ready for my chastisement.

I like it, Isaac replied, looking over at Zac. What do you think? I think it makes the chorus sound a little more powerful having the bridge slower.

Me too! Zac gave me a wink.

Good idea, Tay, Ike said, warmly. Okay, lets do this from the top!

I beamed. I seriously thought I was going to fall off the bench with joy. Even Taylor was trying not to look overly impressed, but he was failing miserably. I began playing the introduction again, feeling an electricity run through me. This time when I was singing, I was singing freely. I was no longer afraid of messing up every second. I found myself tapping my foot along with Zacs infectious drumming. We got through the whole song and Isaac grinned happily.

I think we sound incredible. Were going to knock them dead at the festival, Ike exclaimed, a liveliness in his voice that Ive never heard before. I looked back and Zac and noticed that there was this ecstatic look on his sweating face. We played the song in its entirety about four more times, when Isaac thought we sounded solid. He set his guitar back in its case and politely said goodbye to Taylor.

As soon as Isaac left the basement, both Zac and Taylor attacked me from both sides. I squealed with delight as Zac and Taylor hugged me tightly.

You were awesome! Zac exclaimed, in utter disbelief. I could hardly tell the difference!

Autographs later! I teased, so pleased with myself that I could burst to pieces.

Taylor nodded and stepped back so I could breathe easier. I think with a little more practice, the few clunkers on the piano will be gone. They werent BAD, Ike obviously didnt pick up on them, but I heard them. He rubbed my shoulder excitedly. And then you just have to master Mmmbop. But thatll be no problem, Im positive. I am so proud of you, Abby. So proud.

Thanks, I replied, grinning from ear to ear. I looked down at my watch and groaned when I saw it was already 11:30. Well, I am going to bed so I dont collapse. The star needs her beauty sleep

Im not the star! Taylor protested.

I merely waved at him. Goodnight, devoted fans of mine.

Taylor and Zac exchanged amused glances. Tay, I think weve created a monster."