CHAPTER 31 - Thanks for liking me for me.

Taylor

Brooke sat and watched me gaze out Abbys bedroom window for a good handful of hours. It was still Wednesday night, and it was now pushing 11:30. Thankfully, she never once pushed me for information or forced me to confide in her. She simply remained in the room, about three feet away, sighing every now and then. As much as I wanted to ease her mind, I didnt want to talk to anyone about anything right now.

Abbys mom had come in a couple of times before to try to coerce me into talking to her. She was worried, and rightfully so, but no one could possibly understand what Im dealing with right now. I politely declined her offer to talk and resumed my staring out the window. Frankly, their ignorance would only aggravate me.

All I could do at the moment was dwell on all the things Ive lost. I lived, breathed, and slept music and now it was taken from me. Sure, I could pick up an instrument and play but I would never have my voice again. I would never get to set foot on stage with my brothers and feel that electric intensity and almost sexual energy that captures you whole when performing on stage. I often find music more satisfying than sex come to think about it

Then why was there this tiny spark of hope lit within me?

My mind drifted to my family. No more baking cookies with Mom and talking to her about my life and the girls currently in it. No more kicking Dads ass at Yahtzee while we drink our weight in Dr. Pepper (lets just say that he packs way more away than me). No more spending time in the recording studio with Ike and Zac, and having our jam sessions magically turn into perfect moments of musical glory. No more relenting and allowing Jessica and Avery to curl my hair or paint my fingernails bright red. No more playing soccer with Mack in the backyard and having him always miss the ball and nail me right in the shins. And sadly, no more curling up with little Zoe in her bed and reading her stories, her fingers twirling my hair as she sucked the thumb on her other hand.

Again, there was this zing of optimism that shot through me. I didnt understand where it was coming from, but something was telling me not to throw in the towel just yet.

I couldnt keep dwelling on this. Ive been chewing on this sucky situation for over four hours now. Its not like thinking about it will do a damn thing to change it. I would give anything for a distraction right now. Something, anything to get my mind off of the heartbreaking catastrophe that was tonight. I turned towards Brooke and she sat up a little straighter when she noticed I was looking at her.

"Do you want me to leave?" She asked, quietly. "I wasnt trying to invade your privacy, I just thought you might not want to be left alone."

I smiled weakly. "No, I dont want you to leave. Im glad youre here."

Brooke smiled radiantly at me. God, was she a beautiful girl. "You know, you dont have to tell me anything. But, if you need and ear, I am always here for you."

"I know," I replied, moving so that I was sitting on the bed next to her. I was so close to her, yet so far away. And she would never know how much I truly cared for her. "Im just going through something right now. Im really not trying to be so secretive its just I dont know if you or anyone could understand what Im dealing with."

Brooke gingerly put her hand on mine. "Its not important if I understand. Whats important is that Im here for you. Abby, youve been there for me so many times. Its the least I can do to be there for you."

I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to grab her hands and tell her that I am really Taylor Hanson and that I liked her more than anything. I wanted to apologize for all of the selfish things Id put her through and tell her just how appreciated she was. I might have lost her as a potential girlfriend, but Ill be damned if I lose her as a friend too.

"You know what you can do for me?" I began, standing up. "We can get some popcorn and a couple sodas and you can tell me about yourself."

She raised an eyebrow. "Me? You want to talk about me?"

"Yes," I said, taking a deep breath. I was starting to feel the hunger pangs from skipping dinner. "I want to get my mind on other, more positive things."

I dont know why, but talking about other people always seemed to make my problems seem a little easier to cope with. I dont know if it has anything to do with realizing that other people deal with problems too, or if I simply like engrossing myself in the lives of others. Either way, I found something therapeutic in discovering the life journeys of others.

Deep down, I wasnt giving up on being me just yet. There was some kind of persistent nagging that wouldnt allow me to give in. Maybe the wish thing hadnt work out, but that didnt mean that there wasnt another way. I knew it was a pipe dream, but there was something inside of me that refused to live and let die. Perhaps I was being foolish and only building myself up to get let down, but I simply couldnt help myself.

***

"So, tell me about your childhood," I began, grabbing a handful of popcorn and ravenously shoving it into my mouth. It was now past midnight, but there was no way I was going to be able to sleep tonight. I find very little point in trying.

Brooke shifted uncomfortably on my bed as I inhaled the popcorn Id made a bit ago. "You really dont want to hear about it now. Its not the cheeriest of bedtime stories. I wasnt a good person then."

"Yeah, right, Brooke," I exclaimed, smiling at her. This was serving as just the distraction I needed. I could feel myself begin to perk up ever so slightly. But just ask my brothers, Ive never been one to remain down in the dumps for too long. And there was that odd feeling of hope that was trying to creep its way into my heart. "Like you could ever be a bad person."

She sighed and grabbed a handful of popcorn. "I was. I used to think that I was better than everyone. That I was untouchable. Are you sure you want to talk about this right now?"

"Yes. I cant picture that," I replied, shaking my head.

"Well, its true," she insisted, refusing to make eye contact. "And Im not proud of it. I can remember in middle school walking the hallways with Uma, Tiffany, Sandra, and Brigitte firmly believing that I owned that school and everyone in it. I was the first person to call someone fat or ugly or stupid. We would purposely pick people we thought were weak and make them feel like shit because in our minds they didnt matter. We wouldnt stop until they cried."

"I dont know what to say" I truly didnt.

"Abby, you wouldnt even believe all the awful things I would do," she continued, playing with the popcorn in her hand. "I partied all the time with boys twice my age. I would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on clothes and jewelry or anything else I could find. I skipped school constantly and mouthed off to teachers because I knew the school would never give me detention." She paused and smiled ruefully. "You see, my father donated fifteen million dollars to the schools library so I was untouchable. Teachers and principles had to look the other way for me or get fired."

"Oh my God," I breathed, trying to imagine a Brooke like that. "Thats impossible."

She shook her head in humiliation. "Oh, its very possible. I would smoke, snort, and inject anything I could find. I wanted to feel as empowered as I could. I think I was in and out of rehab four times before the age of fourteen. And yet, I was still adored by my peers. I even lost my virginity at thirteen."

I just listened intently as she continued to delve into her past.

"I was at this party and this high school senior was my boyfriend at the time," she began, putting a piece of popcorn in her mouth. "He was eighteen and I was thirteen. We were both really drunk at this party and I remember looking for Uma, who was my best friend at the time. Both she and Tiffany were having sex with two of his friends. He kept telling me that if I loved him I would do it too and I was so drunk that I just believed him. My friends were doing it, why shouldnt I? It was over pretty fast, and I remember him just falling asleep right away. I just laid in that dark room with some random passed out people in it, naked from the waist down, with Greg snoring loudly with his back to me." She shook her head. "He ended up breaking up with me later that week. And the sad thing was, was that I didnt even care. I had lost something so precious and it meant nothing to me. I had given myself to a boy who cared nothing for me and it didnt faze me in the least. I felt nothing. I still feel nothing." I could see her begin to crumble. "Whats wrong with me?"

I moved so that I could embrace her in a warm hug. She cried softly on my shoulder as I rubbed her back gently. My mind was going a mile a minute trying to process everything that she had told me. My only question was how that misguided Brooke could have transformed into this tender Brooke crying in my arms?

"There is nothing wrong with you," I insisted, holding her tightly. Listening to her sob disturbed me so intently. I just wanted to magically end her pain.

"There is," Brooke exclaimed, separating from me. Tears poured out of her green eyes. I remained close to her for support as she continued. "Im a slut. Ive always been a slut. Ive never felt anything for anyone and I never cared about who did what to my body. Maybe I got this idea from my unfaithful father, but I never associated sex with love. Never. Sex always felt good so I left it at that."

"That doesnt make you a bad person," I murmured, stroking her hair. She sighed heavily. "You were too young to have the emotional maturity to deal with something so huge."

"Its no excuse," she interrupted, quickly. "Ive done so many horrible things, Abby. It feels as though sometimes my past is haunting me. I think the worst thing Ive ever done was to humiliate poor Karen Furber everyday. She used to follow my friends and I around in hopes that we would accept her but instead we always tortured her. She was heavy, with braces, thick glasses, and horrible acne so we used that as our arsenal. I remember making a mockery of her in front of the entire cafeteria. She asked if she could sit with us and I told her that if I wanted to eat with a pig I would eat in a barn. I told her that I dont talk to hideous losers like her. Her eyes filled with enormous tears and everyone just laughed at her as she ran out of the cafeteria in humiliation." She accepted a tissue Id handed her and blew her nose loudly. "I can remember as if it were yesterday."

"Wow, thats really harsh," I said, in utter disbelief. I never would have thought that Brooke had such a mean streak in her. I looked up at her silently as she wiped a tear out of her eye. "But youve changed, Brooke. Youre not that person anymore."

"Ive apologized to her," she continued, giving me a sad look. "Freshman year of high school I went to her locker and apologized. I told her how wrong it was of me and that I regretted it with my whole heart." She grew teary-eyed again. "Do you want to know what she had to say to me? Do you?"

"What did she say?" I asked, softly. I had completely forgotten all of my problems by now. Instead, I felt a little guilty for forcing her to talk about her past in order to relieve my own pain.

"She said, "Oh my God! I cant believe youre talking to me! Thank you!"" Brooke exclaimed, burying her face in her hands. "Can you believe that? I probably made her want to kill herself and she thanked me for acknowledging her presence! How fucked up is that?"

"Brooke, Im sure she was overjoyed at your apology," I explained.

Brooke looked at me. Her gaze was so intense that I fought the urge to move away from her. There was so much pain and guilt emanating from her eyes that it was obvious how much she regretted her past.

"Dont you think it would make more sense for her to ignore me, or tell me to go fuck myself, or at least simply accept my apology politely?" She asked. "But she thanked me. She fucking thanked me."

"She probably idolizes you despite everything"

"Who am I to make someone feel as though theyre not good enough? Hmm? Who the fuck am I? Im a worthless, unloving, ex-druggie slut whose own father doesnt even want her!"

Brooke clung to me desperately as she balled onto my shoulder. I felt helpless to ease her pain so I simply allowed her to release some of her anguish on me. I had had no idea that Brooke could have possibly been such a different person, but then it began to make sense as to why she was friends with who she was. It suddenly made sense as to why she acted the way she did around them now. It finally made sense when she acted like she couldnt stand the people around her. I had always wondered how shed fallen into their crowd.

"Im so sorry that Im burdening you with all this!" Brooke exclaimed, loudly. Her whole body was shaking now. "I am such an awful person to be throwing all this at you when youve been dealing with all kinds of your own problems and still so generous to let me stay with you"

"Its okay, Brooke. Youre not a burden in any way," I murmured, rubbing her back once again. "Let it out, sweetie. Youre not worthless, youre not a slut, and your father DOES love you. Hes just a prick about it. Youve changed into a new, beautiful person who deserves to be happy." She sat back and wiped some of her running mascara from beneath her eyes. "You have to stop feeling so guilty about what is done and over with. Its passed. Youve made up for it by becoming the person you are today. You cant hate yourself for your mistakes." I gingerly touched her wet face. "Youve changed. Can I ask what it was that triggered your change?"

She sighed heavily. "My parents divorce."

I handed her another tissue and gave her a soft smile. "How?"

"Because it was the shock I needed to make me realize that I wasnt invincible. That my entire world could be shaken up so easily," she explained, fingering the soft tissue. "It finally made me realize that I can feel. And I felt a lot a lot of pain. I already told you that my Dad was seeing this young girl and so my Mom got kicked to the curb. She got hardly anything from the divorce because she signed an insane prenuptial agreement. But thats like Dad. He only has about 3.7 billion dollars so why would he want to give the woman who was the mother of his child that he cheated on and degraded a dime?"

"Thats terrible," I exclaimed, shaking my head. Her mood was quickly going from guilty to angry. "Why didnt you go with your mother then? Were you interested in your Dads money? Is that why you stayed?"

Brooke looked directly in my eyes. "I dont care about money. My father bribed a judge to give him sole custody. Thats why Im with my father." She laughed stiffly. "And dont think that it was because he loved me and wanted to keep his daughter near. No, he just wanted to make my Mom suffer. Last time I heard from my mother, she was living with my Grandma in Topeka."

"You should visit her," I suggested, hopefully.

She smiled a little. "I should. And you should come with me. I know she would love to meet you." Her smile quickly faded. "I know you must think Im an awful human being now. I dont blame you. In fact, I agree wholeheartedly."

I sighed and put a hand on her shoulder. "Youre not a bad person. Stop saying that." I paused and thought for a moment. "Thats why you were so accepting of Abby, I mean me, so quickly, wasnt it? You wanted someone whod give you a clean slate."

She put her head down. "Yes. I wanted someone with no prejudgments who could like me for who I am now." She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. "You are the greatest friend Ive ever known and I want you to know that I am in no way using you. I just wanted to come clean with you. I was tired of hiding behind the person you thought I was. So, here I am. All of me. Now you can decide for yourself if you want to associate with me. Im sorry it took so long for me to tell you everything. Its just the more I got to know you the more I didnt want to tell you and lose you." She got off my bed and walked towards her stuff. "I am sorry, Abby, that Im not the person you thought I was. I hope you can forgive me"

I watched in awe as she took her backpack. She gave me a small wave and headed down the staircase.

What was happening? This had all hit me so fast. One moment she was spilling her guts and the next she was apologizing and rushing out. She was leaving Where could she go?

I bolted off the bed and raced after her. She was at the front door by the time I finally got to her. I grabbed her arm and just pulled her into the tightest hug possible. I could feel her smile as she tightly embraced me as well.

"Youre not leaving," I stated. I realize that I tend to get a tad possessive. And as I said before, Id already lost her as a girlfriend. I wasnt going to lose her friendship as well.

She stepped away from me and smiled brightly. "Abby, I completely understand if you dont want to hang out with me anymore. You dont have to feel bad about it. Everything Ive done is 100% my fault. I accept that."

I shook my head. "And youve completely transformed into a great person. That takes guts. Guts and a genuine desire to change. You dont deserve punishment, Brooke. Youve been through a lot of shit too."

"Ive caused a lot of shit"

"STOP!" I ordered, sharply. Brooke swallowed hard. "If I hear you say one more self-derogatory statement I will have to kill you."

"Abby, you have to be the most kind and understanding person Ive ever met," Brooke exclaimed, relaxing against me. "Thank you so much for being my friend."

I sighed. "Then I guess, as a friend, I should come clean with you too." I wasnt going to tell her everything, since she would never understand, but I had to give her at least some form of the truth. "Ive been depressed because Ive been dealing withsome kind of identity crisis. I think Im one person, but I cant be that person anymore for some reason. And I want this life that I cant have anymore and I just dont know how to be strong about it." I continued to babble on. "I dont know who I am or what Im doing or what Im going to be in five years!"

Brooke looked at me sympathetically. "Maybe youre not supposed to know who youre supposed to be in five years because you have five years to get there. Being a teenager is hard work, Ab. And you have the ability to shape your life the way you want it. Maybe things wont be easy, but you have to keep trying. And hoping. You cant give up."

I sighed, wishing now more than ever that I could kiss her. We walked back up the stairs, both yawning periodically. So much for staying up all night. I only hoped that I wouldnt be plagued with horrible nightmares all night. Brooke put her knapsack down on the bedroom floor and sifted through it to find pajamas. She began to raise her shirt over her head when I pushed past her.

"I, uh, have to go to the bathroom," I lied, shutting the door behind me. She needed to have some privacy to change before I returned.

I eventually returned to the bedroom and let out a heavy sigh as I turned down the covers. Brooke was already tucked in on the one side and she watched as I made myself comfortable. She gave me a quick smile before turning on her side, her back facing me.

"Thanks for liking me for me."

"No problem," I replied, heavily. "Goodnight."

I only wished that I could say the same to her.