Chapter 26 - Come on, Ike, say it with me. I love my gay subconscious!

Abby

Monday was quickly becoming the designated homework day. Zac, Taylor, and I were all sitting at the Hanson kitchen table, our books and papers sprawled all over. The enormous table for ten was completely covered with homework, as well as greatly needed refreshments such as cheese poofs and soda. I was seated about three chairs away from Zac, and Taylor was hogging the opposite end of the table.

It had been over two weeks since Taylor and I had switched bodies at Brooke’s party. So much had happened that it felt like we’d been trapped within each other for months. But it had really only been two weeks. Two agonizing, impossible, soul-crushing weeks.

Taylor groaned as he set his pencil down with aggravation. He was clearly smitten with the charms calculus brings to those who try to master it. “I can’t remember the difference convergent and divergent limits. This is so damn frustrating! I know it’s simple but I always confuse them.”

Zac looked over at Taylor’s math scribblings a couple of minutes before nodding. “Okay, now I remember. An infinite series whose partial sums approach a limit is called convergent. Divergent is where the partial sums do not approach a limit.” He pointed to a section of Taylor’s homework as Taylor nodded. “See, in question 34 where you have the infinite series a+ar+ar squared+etc, it converges if and only if the absolute value of r is less than 1. When the absolute value of r is less than one, the sum of the series is “a” divided by the quantity of 1-r. It’s not that hard, really.”

Taylor rolled his eyes as he erased his work. “You’re so right, Zac. I can’t believe I didn’t remember that. Thanks.”

“Eh, no problem. It’s been a while since we’ve done calculus.”

Um……what?

“Wait a second, Zac, you are only fifteen!” I exclaimed, my mouth still hanging open in shock. This kid was like Good Will Hunting or something. “How the hell can you be helping your genius of a brother with MY honors calculus problems?” These people just weren’t normal.

“Actually, he’s still fourteen,” Taylor mumbled, in much better spirits now that he could easily finish the rest of the homework. He made me sick.

“I thought he was fifteen!” I exclaimed, glaring at Zac. “You told me you were fifteen!” I flopped back against the back of my chair sickened. “I can’t believe I let a fourteen year old boy hold my precious life so carelessly behind a highly powered automobile…”

Zac shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I’ll be fifteen in less than a month. I’m pretty much fifteen now. I’m mature for my age anyway.”

I scowled. “That still doesn’t explain how you understand honors calculus. It’s a senior class, Zac! It’s difficult!”

He took a long swig of his cherry Coke. “It’s not really. I’ve been doing calculus since I was twelve. I’m just good at understanding math. Besides, once you learn all the rules, applying them is nothing. It just makes sense.”

I don’t think I’ve felt less adequate in all of my seventeen years.

“Besides, Taylor was always off writing stories for literature that he always paid me to do his math homework,” Zac said, grinning slyly. Taylor shouted and threw a pink eraser at his head. “Hey, remember that one story you wrote where you were this, like, uber-vampire who was sired by three hot chicks and…”

“SHUT UP!” Taylor screeched, turning magenta.

“Good grief, Taylor’s sexual fantasies are finally out in the open,” I added, making Taylor squirm uncomfortably in his plaid skirt.

“It was not a sexual fantasy…” he mumbled, softly. I think even his toes were blushing. “It had a plot. A great plot. And the hanfic community loved it…” His hand quickly covered his mouth as he realized what he’d just admitted to.

Meanwhile, Zac and I were howling with laughter. I think tears were pouring out of his eyes as I chortled obnoxiously in my seat. I let out a sudden snort, which caused Zac cackle and fart at the same time, which caused me fall out of my chair, which caused Zac to have to go get his inhaler, which caused Taylor to turn so red he was purple.

Zac came back a moment later, taking deep breaths. He took a long puff from his inhaler and giggled a bit more. He looked over at Taylor. “You posted your own… hanfic? You’re pathetic enough to write a story about yourself and…” He took another puff from his trusty inhaler. “Oh my God, what’s your pen name? Obviously you can’t write “By Taylor Hanson.” I bet it’s a girl’s name, isn’t it?”

Taylor pretended he didn’t hear the question.

“TAYLOR HANSON!” Zac shouted, setting down the inhaler on the table and slowly sitting down. He had been laughing so hard that he could hardly stand. “All those times you told me you thought people who wrote fanfic needed to get a life! How scary they were! And you! You’re probably they’re fucking ringleader! This is so great. I can’t wait to tell Ike.”

“NO!” He screamed, grabbing his brother’s arm. “Please, if you love me, you will keep this to yourself.” Zac looked over at me and raised an eyebrow.

I sighed. “What are you looking at me for? You know I’d tell.”

Taylor looked as though he was about to cry. “NO!”

“Fine,” Zac relented, rolling his eyes. “I won’t tell Ike.”

Taylor let out a hearty breath. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are just super…” He stood up and pushed his chair in. “Well, I’ve got to be going.”

“Wait!” I exclaimed. “I thought we were supposed to work on solving our little gigantic problem tonight!”

“I know but Abby’s mom wanted me to be home for dinner and I think I should save as much face as possible by leaving now. I’ve made enough of an ass out of myself for one day. Don’t worry, I’ll look up stuff on my own.” He shoved his textbooks into his backpack and took a handful of cheese poofs for the road.

“You know, Tay, tomorrow’s another day to make an ass out of yourself,” I said, encouragingly.

“Thanks, Ab, you’re a lovely human being,” he replied, making his way out the front door. “See you both tomorrow.”

“Bye, Taylor, the vampire of my heart.”

Zac and I chuckled as we heard the door slam forcefully.

***

My breath caught in my throat as Isaac entered the bedroom. Now this scene could play many different ways. The ideal way, of course, would be that I would instantly transform into a girl (naturally, more beautiful than the one I was before because that’s the way daydreams always go), where then he would take one look at me and fall helplessly in love, and show me why I was made a woman.

“Hey loser,” Isaac said, a small grin on his face.

Not quite the romance I was looking for, but at this point I’ll take what I can get.

“Hey.”

He reached under his bed and pulled out his laptop. I watched him flop into his neatly made bed with the smallest hint of a sigh. He ran his hands through his short, curly hair as his face scrunched ever so slightly at the computer. He bit his lower lip, cursed softly, and shut his laptop in exasperation. He looked over at me and I instantly turned my head back to the laptop I’d been working on.

“Oh, dearest brother of mine?” Isaac asked, getting off his bed and walking over to my bottom bunk. I quickly exited from the incriminating spell site I’d been reading.

Those words hold no weight with me.

Now, if he were to call me the incredible sex goddess of his dreams, I’d be perfectly willing to do anything and everything he needed.

Ahem.

“Yes, Isaac?” I asked, feeling tingly the moment he sat down at the opposite end of the bed. We were on the same bed. With the exception of a few layers of pesky clothes, we were completely naked. Together. On the same bed. And he smelled like that fantastic cologne he always wears.

“Are you doing something incredibly important on that laptop of yours?” He asked, batting his eyelashes. His incredibly thick eyelashes, might I add.

I now see where Taylor learned his annoying begging techniques.

“I have a five page paper due tomorrow on penis envy and I haven’t exactly started to research it yet and my computer somehow got some weird virus that makes it keep shutting down and I don’t know where Zac keeps his and I really don’t want to go to the library because it smells weird and I would be eternally grateful if you’d let me borrow yours for a couple of hours…”

Breathe, Ike, breathe.

“Penis envy you say?” I asked mulling it over. He needed my laptop to look up ridiculous psychobabble while I needed mine to find a way to cure an unnatural phenomenon. There was no question as to who needed the computer more. No question indeed. “Sure, Ike. You can use mine.”

“You’re awesome!”

EEEEE!!!! Isaac totally said I was awesome!!!!

I grinned like a fool as Isaac happily accepted my small laptop. My eyes watched him get off the bottom bunk and carry it to his own bed. He turned on the lamp near his bed and cracked his fingers before concentrating on the computer.

“HOLY FUCK!” Isaac screamed, jumping away from the laptop. It bounced on the bed roughly and closed due to the way it fell.

“WHAT?!?” I rushed over and grabbed the computer lovingly. He breaks it, he buys it! Lord knows I cannot afford to replace Taylor’s computer. I think I would have to work ten years at McDonalds in order to pay for another one of these compact, efficient computers.

Isaac, who looked incredibly grossed out, just stared at me in horror. “There. Was. A. Naked. Man. On. The. Screen.”

Oopsie on my part.

“Oh, yeah, THAT!” I exclaimed, trying desperately to laugh it off. He just continued to stare at me, stiff as a board. “Abby put it on my laptop as a joke.”

“Weren’t you going to take it off?” He asked, beginning to breathe again.

“No, I kind of liked…” Stupid, stupid, girl. “Of course?”

“Taylor, if you had a secret, you would tell me, right?” Ike asked.

“A secret?” I squeaked, my palms beginning to sweat. Did he actually know?

He sighed and shifted so he was sitting closer to me. I could feel my knees start to weaken. He smelled like really expensive cologne, drier sheets, and mint. Quite intoxicating.

“I think I know what’s going on,” he began, slowly. “God, it all explains so much.”

I swallowed hard. “What exactly do you know?”

“I know you’re not exactly being yourself,” Isaac continued, his hands folded neatly in his lap. The one thing I noticed about all of the Hanson boys was that they always had perfectly clean fingernails. “And I know why.”

“You do! That’s such a relief because only Zac knew and sometimes it was tricky and stuff…” I took a greatly needed breath.

“You told Zac?” Isaac asked, looking extremely hurt. I felt a pang of guilt.

“Well, he kind of approached me really,” I replied, shrugging. “I wanted to tell you immediately but we were all afraid you would tell your mother and father and take us all to the nuthouse.”

“Is that why you haven’t told anyone?” He asked, carefully. “Are you ashamed of it?”

“Ashamed?” I repeated. “No, not exactly ashamed. It’s not something I really had any control over. It was more like I’m me and then suddenly I’m not.”

“It must be terrifying for you,” he murmured. What a sweetheart he was! “I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to come out to everyone. Especially after all of the press commented on your sexuality for all those years…”

“Wait a minute…” I interrupted, truth suddenly dawning on me.

“But you know what? Fuck ‘em. If my brother is gay then to hell with everyone who cares about stuff like that.”

“ISAAC!” I exclaimed, unsure of whether or not to laugh. He thought Taylor was gay. Technically, I suppose with me being inside Taylor’s body does make him gay. I frowned. I supposed he made me gay as well. Suddenly it wasn’t very funny at all.

“Taylor, I support your decision fully,” Isaac continued, ignoring my outburst. “I’m sure we can make Mom and Dad understand too. It’ll probably just take Dad a little while to digest but I’m sure they’ll come around in no time.”

This was not good. This was not good at all.

“Tay’s, er, I mean I’m not gay!” I protested. “I’m not gay.”

Isaac looked at me strangely. “Tay, you don’t have to pretend anymore. And you don’t have to worry about me telling anyone either. It’s your secret to tell.”

“I swear on all that is holy that I am not gay,” I half pleaded. Wait till I told Taylor that his own brother firmly believes he’s a homosexual. As if the kid needed another reason to be mental.

“Than how do you explain the Ashton Kutcher obsession?” He questioned, sharply. “The constant application of moisturizer? How about the purse fetish at the mall? And let’s not forget about the naked man who was on your laptop. That will give me nightmares until I die.”

“I told you that it was Abby who put the naked man on my computer, not me,” I explained, in my own defense. “And the other stuff? Well, you know how into Brooke I am so I want to be sensitive for her. And Ashton Kutcher is a chick magnet. I could learn a lot of pointers from him.”

“Does she like your hands soft too?”

“As a matter of fact, she does,” I retorted, holding back a snort.

“Taylor, you don’t have to lie to me about who you are. I don’t care if you want to sleep with goats! I love you and will love you no matter what your sexual preference is!” Isaac sighed heavily as he stretched on his bed. I couldn’t help but salivate as his shirt rose ever so slightly to expose some nicely tanned tummy.

Focus, Deluca. We’re not out of the woods yet.

“Isaac, you’ve known me your entire life, right?” I asked.

“Well, except for those two years you weren’t born yet, yeah,” he replied, looking confused. “I am the older brother, remember.”

“Oh, right,” I exclaimed, with a wave of the hand. “Well, have I ever been considered a masculine guy?”

“No.”

My, that was a quick answer.

“Have I always been physically prettier than most boys my age?”

“Always.”

“And my hair was always longer, sometimes overly fashionable?”

“Taylor, where are you going with this?” Isaac asked, scratching his elbow.

Where was I going with this?

“Then I’ve always been this way,” I replied, remembering the point I’d been trying desperately to convey. “I’ve always been a little bit different from most guys in certain ways. That doesn’t make me gay, Isaac. It makes me, well, me. I shouldn’t have to justify who I am to you or anyone else.”

Isaac just kind of looked at me. “Tay, I didn’t mean anything by it. I just, I don’t know. You’ve been acting so strange for a couple of weeks now and I thought maybe you were dealing with… discovering your sexuality.”

“My sexuality has been discovered LONG ago,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. “I just want you to believe me when I tell you the truth. I am not gay.” I cocked my head to the side. “Are you gay, Isaac?”

“WHAT?” He looked as though he was about to poop his pants.

I shrugged. “Well, I thought maybe you were so preoccupied with me being gay that subconsciously, you may be gay as well.” How I loved to turn the tables on unsuspecting victims.

“I’m not gay, man,” he replied, laughing a little.

I bit my lip. “But your subconscious may be.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You take psychology, you should know,” I babbled, talking completely out of my butt. “You’re obsessed with homosexuality, Isaac. It’s written all over your face. Yes, it is possible for a straight man to be consciously straight and subconsciously gay. What’s important is that you know that your subconscious and conscious are intertwined and that you recognize and support the development of your gay subconscious. There’s no need to suppress a gay subconscious. A lot of completely hetero guys deal with it. Don’t keep your gay subconscious in the closet.”

If Ike’s mouth hung any lower we could use it for a mousetrap.

“Isaac?” I began, trying to keep the beaming smile of victory off my face. “Your subconscious is healing. It’s grateful that you are open and supportive. It’s time to help your gay subconscious come out of the closet, Ike.”

“My subconscious is not gay,” he stated, looking as though his head was about to implode. “I don’t know what the hell that school is teaching you but…”

“Isaac Hanson!” I shouted, standing up suddenly. I was having way too much fun with this to simply let it go now. “What you’re telling your gay subconscious is that you’re ashamed of it. You only have one subconscious, Isaac. One! Maybe it’s not what you would have ideally wanted but it’s yours and you have to love it. Come on, Ike, say it with me. I love my gay subconscious!”

“I think I’m going to head to the library,” he muttered, getting off his bed. He gave me a weird look before grabbing his jacket and car keys. The bedroom door shut and I giddily flopped onto Isaac’s bed. It still smelled like him.

Rolling to my side, I reached for Taylor’s laptop. I opened it up and grinned as the wallpaper appeared.

“That’s what he gets for trying to make me get rid of you, Mr. Chippendale…”