Chapter 21 - I’ll admit it, I like going commando.

Taylor

“Abby? Wake up, dear.”

I regrettably opened one eye to find a beautiful pair of blue eyes staring back at me. Abby’s mother was sitting on the edge of my bed, shaking me softly. I let out a tired yawn and sat up against my pillows. What could she have possibly wanted at the crack of dawn?

“Um, yeah, Mom?”

“Do you know what time it is?” She asked, pointing to the alarm clock sitting on the small dresser beside my bed. “Shouldn’t you be on your way to school?”

I flew out of the bed when I saw a red 7:45 flashing on the alarm screen. Shit. I was going to be so late today and Abby had a test first period. Not that it wasn’t going to be a cakewalk, but I still didn’t want to be late. Especially since I ever so sweetly declined taking the last one.

I threw on the uniform as quickly as possible and ran my fingers through my hair. If I was late for this stupid test and the teacher wouldn’t let me take it, Abby would murder me and use my organs for her science experiments. I think we all know how dramatic Abby can be when her grade point average is involved.

I ran to school and slid into my homeroom class at exactly 7:59 am. I don’t know how I made it to school on time without defying a number of laws concerning time and space, but miracle of miracles, I did.

It was then that I realized I’d forgotten to put on any underwear.

I pounded my head repeatedly on the desk as I realized how drafty the room suddenly was. How could I forget underwear? I’m in a skirt, damn it! Of course, when I was a boy and wore pants everyday, forgetting to put on underwear was a common thing that wasn’t all that of a big deal. I’ll admit it, I like going commando. I like having breathing room for my bits and pieces.

However, seeing as how I have no pieces or bits that need to breathe, I longed for a pair of soft, cotton underwear. Next time I see Brooke, I’m going to ask her if she has a spare or at least knows someone who does.

All right, now I needed to get down to business. I was going to write a short letter explaining yesterday’s actions as “Taylor.” Taylor, the boy, that is. Brooke had to know that both parties realize how great of a mistake it was to kiss one another and that it will never happen again. And since Abby was less than thrilled at being involved when it came to Brooke, which is understandable I suppose, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands.

After homeroom was dismissed, I waddled to my locker. I REALLY wasn’t enjoying not wearing any underwear and I only prayed that everyone else couldn’t tell I wasn’t wearing any. It reminded me of the feeling I got when I had my period. I felt as though everyone could tell I was a hormonal bag of bloody bloat-ation. Hee hee, blotation. I like that word.

“Taylor?” Abby whispered, nearly scaring the hell out of me. I had been searching through her locker to get a textbook when she seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. I caught my breath and gave her a tired look.

“Yeah?” I asked, returning my attention to her messy locker. I knew I had my favorite blue pen stashed in there somewhere.

She sighed and looked at me for a couple of minutes. “How are you?”

I shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I’m really tired.”

“Oh?” She asked, chewing on her fingernails. I made a face and moved her hands away from her mouth. It this rate she was going to ruin my fingernails.

“Yeah,” I replied, not really paying attention. “I was out really late with Brooke. She and I were bonding over Brad Pitt. Whatever. I was just happy that we got to watch Seven. At least people die in that one.”

The look on Abby’s distorted face was unreadable. “So, you and Brooke are back to normal so quickly? That’s great.”

I smiled brightly as I grasped my beloved blue pen in triumph. “Yes, it is.” I slammed my locker shut and sighed happily. “She was really understanding about the entire ordeal. I just told her the truth and she’s cool with it.”

Abby just shook her head. “The truth? What truth did you tell her?”

The warning bell rung shrilly telling us that we’d better get on our way to first period. I told her I’d fill her in later and trotted off to class. I wanted to make sure I had time to finish Brooke’s note and that it was perfect in every way possible.

Note to self: Bring a spare pair of underwear to store in locker in case of emergency.

***

At lunch, I was greatly relieved to have found a couple of dollars in my suit coat. Like I do quite often, I forgot to pack a lunch, not that I would have had time to today. After waiting in the mother of all long lines, I managed to purchase a tray full of meaty goodness. I’m not sure if it was turkey or ham or roast beef, but the lunch lady assured me it was edible meat.

And I always follow the advice of bald women in hairnets scooping meat onto my tray with an ice cream scoop.

“Ew, please tell me you’re not going to contaminate this table with that putrid looking meat substance,” Uma muttered, as I sat beside Brooke at the popular table. She had to set down her diet Coke to plug her nose. I gave her an agitated look.

“Shut up, will you?” I muttered, taking a bite of the cold mashed potatoes. I winced as I bit down on a chuck of non-mashed potato. “It’s not like you have to eat it.”

“You WOULD be gross enough to eat it.”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, I’m so insulted.”

I nearly jumped a mile as Brooke dipped a finger into my meat concoction and stuck it in her mouth. I think both Uma and I made equally disgusted faces as she swallowed it loudly. She gave us both a satisfied smile before taking a bite of her smoked salmon. This girl will never cease to fascinate me.

“Hey y’all!” Tiffany exclaimed, with Sandra and Brigitte in tow. “Are you all busy this afternoon? I really wanted to go to the mall to get some new underwear from Victoria’s Secret. They have these new satin thongs that are just so adorable!”

Oh yeah, I needed some underwear too. Thanks for the reminder.

It’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one in dire need of undies.

“Victoria’s Secret?” Uma repeated, with an eyebrow raised. “It’s that kind of upper middle class? Why not go to Audrey’s and get something decent? I swear, our clique is seriously becoming a little too common, don’t you all think?”

Tiffany pouted as Brigitte put a hand on her shoulder. “Well, I would go to Audrey’s if my father hadn’t taken away my credit card. Asshole.”

“Why did your dad take your credit card away?” I asked, innocently. “Did he find out that you were already flunking math?”

Tiffany shook her head, sending her blonde hair flying out or a messy ponytail. “God, no, he doesn’t really care about that.” She grew quiet. “The maid found my pot stash in my underwear drawer so my dad took away my unlimited credit card as punishment. He gave me another credit card with, oh my God how can I say this, with a $200 limit!”

“NO!” Uma gasped.

“He can’t be that harsh!” Brigitte squealed.

“That’s just vicious!” Sandra exclaimed, covering her mouth in horror. “How long to you have to stick to this $200 limit?”

“A WHOLE WEEK!”

“NO!” Uma reiterated, taking along sip of her diet coke. “You poor, poor thing. We’ll look for the most expensive underwear we can find, love. Don’t you worry.”

“I have an idea,” I suggested. Five heads turned simultaneously toward me. “Well, um, why don’t you get yourself a part-time job and then you’ll have money of your own without having to rely solely on your father.”

The silence was deafening.

“A JOB?” Uma exclaimed, her eyes bugging out.

“What?” Tiffany asked, looking around the table. “I’m confused.”

“You shouldn’t have said the J-word,” Brigitte whispered to me, running her hands through Tiffany’s silky blonde hair comfortingly. “Tiff, sweetie, she was only kidding. Please don’t cry.”

“Abby, love,” Uma began, glaring at me venomously. “No one of our social and financial status would ever lower ourselves to having some petty part-time job where we’d make six dollars an hour. Why would I work for others when I can pay to have them work for me?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Well, aren’t you lucky to be in such an esteemed position.”

“You’re such a princess, Uma,” Brooke said, shaking her head. “I don’t see anything wrong with getting a job. I think it’s good to interact with different kinds of people and I wish I didn’t have to rely on my father’s money. Then maybe I could tell him what I really think of his new marriage. “ The rest of us just looked on quietly as she calmly took another bite of her salmon. I’ll remember to bring that up next time we are alone.

Lunch ended rather quickly and I pulled Brooke to the side for a moment. She looked at me with concern as I pulled a folded piece of paper out of my suit coat. I handed it to quickly, hoping she didn’t notice my hand shake slightly. I loudly protested when she began to open it.

“Wait!” I insisted, covering the note with my hand. She gave me a confused smile. “I, um, it’s a letter from Taylor. He feels just awful about what happened and was too shy to give it to you himself. So I agreed to give it to you for him. But, uh, um, please read it later. In private. I know he’d feel weird having it read in front of me.”

“Sure thing,” Brooke replied, gently putting the note in her pocket. “Well, I guess I should start heading to my locker.”

“Ooh, one more thing,” I began, hesitantly. I stepped a bit closer to her and looked around to make sure we were out of earshot of everyone else still in the cafeteria. “This is going to sound really odd and perhaps disgusting but, um, I accidentally forgot to put on any underwear this morning and I was wondering if for some miraculous reason you might happen to have an extra pair that I could borrow for the rest of the day? If you don’t, that’s cool but it’s really uncomfortable.”

Brooke burst into giggles. “You forgot underwear? Abby, who forgets underwear of all things?”

I laughed uneasily. “You know, I used to not wear underwear from time to time but then when I lost the penis I suddenly grew quite fond of underwear.”

Brooke just stared at me, her head cocked to the side.

TMI Hanson, TMI.

“KIDDING!” I shouted, wishing the earth would spare me further humiliation and just swallow me whole. This girl was going to think I was completely insane. Well, I suppose she wouldn’t be completely incorrect. “Just a joke. A stupid one. So, you’re going to the mall huh? Too bad I have detention.”

Brooke laughed and moved her gorgeous blonde hair off her shoulder. “You crack me up, Abby. I can only imagine you as a man. You’d be this scarf-adorning, vintage t-shirt-wearing pretty boy...”

Well, slap me silly and call me Sally.

She knows me so well it’s frightening!

I hope she means “pretty boy” in a supremely masculine way...

“And if you want a pair of underwear, I happen to have an emergency pair in my locker,” she continued, completely oblivious to my inner turmoil. I quickly and gratefully followed her to her locker. “I keep it here incase I get my period unexpectantly.” She opened her backpack and slyly stuffed the underwear in the pocket of my suit coat. “There you go. I have to get going to class, but I’ll pick you up after detention to go shopping with us. You get off at five, right?”

I can get off whenever you want me to, sweetheart.

I am a dirty, dirty boy and I recognize it fully.

“Yup, five,” I replied, a huge grin on my face. “See ya then. And thanks for the underwear!”

****

I got a pass from Abby’s teacher to go to the bathroom during class. I’m surprised the old fart let me go considering I had been two minutes late for class. Oh well, I’m not really going to question it and just thank God for yet another small miracle.

I closed the stall behind me and sat down on the toilet fully clothed. I pulled the underwear out of my pocket but was momentarily distracted by the lovely graffiti and slander gracing the bathroom stalls. It’s quite remarkable how vicious women can be toward their own kind.

“Brenda Sillinger is a stupid whore and call 555-6257 if you want to fuck a dirty skank,” I read, to myself. “I’ll have to write that one down later.” There were actually quite a few telephone numbers that I thought Ashley might enjoy having. I kind of missed Eric and Ashley. As annoying and ridiculous as they could be, they were still pretty decent to hang around with.

I looked down at the underwear and almost had a heart attack.

Only half of it was there!

A thong. She gave me a freaking thong. Of course she’d have to give me a thong. I mean really, what else could she give me? This is my life after all and so it is not surprising that Brooke would give me a thong to wear for the day.

My mouth fell open as I examined the lacy fabric carefully. It was so soft to touch the sheer red lace in the front. The back, however, the back was a horse of a different color.

“A string,” I moaned, closing my eyes. The only comfort I had was imagining Brooke in this tiny, sexy thong. She was the ultimate sex kitten in this thong of thongs. I opened my eyes remorsefully. “I will have a string up my ass for the entire day. I hold little hope that it’ll be comfortable.” This was not the type of underwear that screamed comfortable. I held the thong out in front of me once again.

I can see the papers now: Taylor Hanson, Sex Kitten.

I sincerely hoped I was a size five.

****

Abby looked over at me and rolled her eyes. “Good grief. Would you stop picking at your ass for one second, please? You’re making my butt hurt.”

I groaned as I pulled the string of death out of my tender butt crack, only to have it slide right back into place. Why women would do such a heinous thing to their bodies, like wear pernicious thongs, was absolutely beyond me. It was the never-ending wedgie that only seemed possible in horror movies.

Detention had never been this physically painful. I was so glad it was the last one I was forced to serve until the Halloween carnival. I was so completely sick and tired of decorating these stupid halls with even stupider Halloween decorations. And I’d imagine that Zac will be glad to have his ride home from school again.

Abby grabbed my hand and forced it away from my backside. “Jesus, Taylor. Give it a rest. Why the hell are you getting so many wedgies anyway?”

“I’m wearing a thong!” I whispered, embarrassed. “A red, lacy thong that has a fetish for hurting my ass.”

Abby made a face. “What made you up and decide to put me in a thong today? If it was your decision to put it on then you can quit complaining to me. I don’t want to hear it. You did it to your idiot self.”

“Actually,” I winced as I pulled the string away again. “I sort of forgot to put on underwear this morning and Brooke let me borrow her spare pair. I was desperate! However, I think I was better off going commando.”

Abby stuck her tongue out. “You don’t think it’s kind of weird that you’re wearing the underwear of the girl you want to sleep with?”

Damn it. She had a point.

“You cross so many serious lines, Taylor,” Abby continued, shaking her head in disgust. She smiled cruelly at me. “I have half a mind to tell Zac.”

My face burned scarlet. “Oh, God, please don’t! If you have anything that somewhat resembles a soul than you will not do such a horrific thing to your good buddy Taylor!” I was definitely willing to beg at this point. “Besides, I’m going shopping with Brooke later after detention so I can buy a normal pair of underwear. This is merely a temporary situation.”

Abby’s face darkened and she quickly turned to tape some construction paper on the wall. “Are you sure you want to date the kind of girl who keeps underwear in her locker? A red, lacy thong no less! Who does that? It’s definitely not normal. It’s like she wants people to ask her for underwear so she can flaunt her slut gear in everyone’s faces...”

I just stared at her dumbly.

Her cheeks flushed slightly and she reached for another cardboard cutout. “When she asked you about our…kiss… what did you say?”

I shrugged. “I was just honest. I told her that we were fighting and it got the better of us. It was a mistake and we regret it fully. She was very understanding considering how hurt and shocked she was.”

Abby cleared her throat and set down the cutout. “A mistake?”

I picked up a black cat out of our box of decorations and taped it on the wall. “Well, yeah. You know as well as I how weird it was. I was kissing MYSELF for Pete’s sake.” I smoothed out the paper on the wall before turning to my next black cat in the box. “And how ridiculous is it to even joke about us as a couple? Could you see it? We’d be too busy hurling insults at one another to actually be romantic.” I smiled as I admired my artwork. Jenison would be thoroughly pleased. “And admit it, I know you hate me with a healthy passion. Don’t you?”

Abby continued to stare at her fingers. “More and more each time you open your mouth.”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed, as I accidentally got a piece of tape stuck to itself. I threw it on the ground in frustration. I hate wasting tape. “So, the only thing that really matters is that Brooke’s feelings be preserved at this point.” I took a couple of skeletons and walked over to another wall. “It was like kissing my sister… or brother...” I burst out laughing. “That is so weird. Can we make a promise to never do anything disgusting like that again?”

Abby didn’t say anything in response. I watched her lifelessly put up some random decorations in no specific order. I watched her put up a pumpkin sideways and a witch backwards. I knew I had to intervene when she started putting up wads of just tape and no cutout.

“Abby?” I began, approaching her slowly.

“WHAT?” She shouted, her nostrils flaring. I think I jumped back a mile.

“You’re sticking masking tape on the wall.”

“SO? Maybe I want to put some tape there? Maybe the space calls for tape? Not everything requires a pretty decoration in front of the plain masking tape, you know. Maybe some people want to admire the tape for once!”

I put my hands out in front of me. “Okay. Yeah, I can see why you’d put it there. Looks good.”

“WHY DON’T YOU BE A LITTLE MORE JUDGMENTAL?” She let out a little grunt and glared at me. “I don’t know if I want to see you later.”

“Later…” My mind was a complete blank.

Something tells me this won’t turn out well...

Her glare became more severe. “You were supposed to come over and help me research a cure for this God forsaken hell we’re in! Remember? Or were you too busy playing knight and shining thong for your poor little Brooke?”

I was such an asshole. I had completely forgotten that I had promised her that I would come over and help. Not that I really wanted to, since I wasn’t all that sure I was ready to be myself again. I was enjoying my vacation from being Taylor Hanson and was reveling in my opportunity to be nobody. It had been well over a week since I had to write an autograph, or pose in a picture, or talk to people I didn’t know like we were old friends. Of course, I didn’t want to remain stuck in a girl’s body forever, but I didn’t need to rush back quite yet.

“Taylor…” she growled.

“I’m sorry!” I screeched, praying she wouldn’t hit me. I backed away quickly. “It’s just that I feel as though I need to hang out with Brooke for a while to make sure she knows how sincere I am... I don’t mean to keep backing out on you but if I don’t hang out with her to hang out with you instead she’ll think something’s up with us! Can’t you understand?” I approached her in attempt to give her a hug. My arms got halfway around her when I heard,

“Touch me and die, asshole.”

I slunk away from her quickly. “Abby, I’m really sorry. It’s just really important to me.”

“You want to know what’s important to me, Taylor?” She asked, shaking her head. “Do you even care?”

“Of course I care,” I insisted, honestly.

“Really?” She exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips. “Right now I find that hard to believe. Anyway, it’s important to me to get out of this boy body and get back to where I belong! It’s important to me to get back to my classes and try to catch up! It’s important to me to have my best friend back! It’s important to me to no longer sleep underneath a boy with chronic flatulence!” She sighed. “Don’t you want to be able to date her for real, Taylor? Don’t you want to stop lying?”

“Of course,” I mumbled, fidgeting because of the thong induced discomfort.

Just not right away...

I’ve always known that Abby wanted to go back to being herself. However, I had no idea that she loathed our situation so greatly. I suppose it was sort of unfair to force her to remain being me when she clearly didn’t want to, just so I could selfishly live vicariously through someone else. I had to go back sometime, might as well be tomorrow.

“How about this,” I began, putting a hand on her shoulder. I was surprised she allowed it to remain there. “Since today is out, how about I pop over tomorrow night and we spend some time researching for a cure. I promise not to make any other plans, unless Brooke wants to have wild, lesbian sex… KIDDING!” She gave me the most disgusted look. “Please, don’t laugh too hard... Seriously, tomorrow I will crack down and get to the bottom of this, okay?”

She shrugged and walked away from me. “Whatever, Taylor.”