Chapter 20 - All I heard was, “Blah, blah, blah, look at my tight little butt as I walk around in this tiny pink towel.”

Abby

“Brooke…” Taylor trailed off, as Brooke ran away from us. My cheeks were red hot with embarrassment. I reached out to him, but he sped off towards Brooke before I could open my mouth to say a word.

What had I done to my best friend? Brooke had been so nice and welcoming towards me and how do I repay her? Make out with the boy she likes. If it hadn’t been for Brooke no one in this school would have given me the time of day and look at me now. I’m one of the most popular girls in school. Me, the poor, brainy girl, being part of the most elite clique in school.

Of course I would have to do something stupid to fuck everything up.

Personally, I blame Taylor. If he wasn’t so freaking exasperating all the time then maybe I wouldn’t be so inclined to kick him… or kiss him. If he didn’t smile at me and push my buttons all the time then I wouldn’t be so drawn to him. It’s his insufferable blend of charisma, arrogance, and boyishness that is simply charming the pants off me. And I hate him for it.

And, of course the bastard has to be an amazing kisser.

My lips were still tingling from our heated kiss. The way his mouth took mine takes my breath away every time I think of it. His tongue playfully teased mine so subtly that it had felt as though I had dreamt it, and only wanted more of him. I can still hear the little grunt he made when he first captured my mouth with his. It sends shivers down the back of my spine.

Yes, this entire ordeal is his fault. I will promptly tell him so as soon as he comes back.

He’ll come back shortly after making sure Brooke is all right.

I checked my watch. Forty minutes had passed. I sat down and rested the back of my head on a locker. I hoped Brooke wasn’t suicidal or anything. I didn’t know what the hell else would be taking so long, though.

All right, where the fuck is he? It’s been exactly one hour and twenty-three minutes. What is that bastard DOING?

After two hours of sitting by myself in the hallway, the tears started to fall down. I hated them. What was the point in crying? Tears never solved anything really. They only made your skin blotchy and makeup smeary. He wasn’t coming back for me. He’d just….left me here… alone.

To be with her.

And the worst part of it was that right now I was imagining how beautiful I must have looked crouching against a locker, shaggy blond hair partially hanging over my face, blue eyes piercing with sadness and shimmering with tears. I really hated my pathetic mentality.

Why had he not come back? We KISSED. That was a huge deal. A HUGE deal. How can he simply ignore that?

I sadly took the half-empty cardboard box back to the school basement and shoved it in a corner. We’d gotten almost nothing done today and I was almost positive that we’d get an earful from Mr. Jenison tomorrow when he saw our lack of work. I didn’t particularly care at the moment, but it was still just one more thing to add to the “Why My Life Sucks” list.

I got into his black Explorer and stuck the key in the ignition. I was deep into self-pity mode and in no mood to drive. I had no choice in the matter, so I lethargically pulled out of the school parking lot and made my way to Taylor’s house.

I will forever be the second place girl. Guys like Taylor honestly don’t go for ordinary girls like me. I’m not trying to be insecure, I’m simply telling how the cruel world works. Like most girls, I lack that essential charm, beauty, and magnetism that coveted girls like Brooke possess without even trying. She exudes perfection while I exude plainness. While I’m pretty, she’s beautiful. While I’m funny, she’s charismatic. While I’m interesting, she’s enamoring. It’s the classic girl next door versus the beauty queen. There is no contest. There can be nothing done to change any of it, so I just accept defeat and move on with my second place life.

For a while, I honestly thought Taylor was totally into me. He kissed me, for Pete’s sake! And then he runs off with Brooke without even saying a word to me. Who does that? She walks into a room and suddenly I’m invisible.

I pulled into the Hanson garage and slowly stepped out of the car. I entered the house and it sounded as though the circus was taking residency there. Children were everywhere, screaming and running around like maniacs. I could only sigh and pray that the den was vacant so I could properly pout in peace.

I said a silent prayer of gratitude as I flopped down on the couch. Picking up the remote from the coffee table, I turned on the television and absent-mindedly began flipping through channels. “Just Married” was playing on one of their millions of movie channels, so I allowed myself to dwell on the fact that I will never find a love like that and will be alone for eternity.

“Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening. You don't want me to be with Sarah and I can't change that. I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do. And that's that I love Sarah. And I am going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life. Now, will you please... please... open the gate so I can tell that to my wife.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up you whiny piece of shit...” I don’t know why I continue to torture myself with this cheesy movie. It’s only making me even more depressed than I already am.

“What the hell are you watching?” Isaac asked, walking into the den.

I sniffed and stared blindly at the TV screen. “I’m watching Ashton Kutcher. He always makes me feel better when I’m depressed. He’s really hot and I take a great deal of comfort in seeing his beautiful body.”

Isaac’s eyebrow shot up. “So, the whole freeing your soul through music was just a façade? Whatever you say, Tay.” He froze. “Did you say you like to look at Ashton Kutcher’s body?”

I shrugged. “I’d really like to concentrate on the happiness others, meaning people who are not me, possess. You may leave me to my consuming misery now. Thank you.”

Isaac frowned and walked over towards the couch. “Wanna talk about it?”

I shook my head. “Not really.”

He nodded thoughfully. He waited a moment before exclaiming, “Hey, I have an idea! I have to start getting ready for my date with Sharon tonight. I could really use your help.” I shook my head. “Come on, Tay, I’ll let you be my number one fashion consultant.” I hesitated. “I’ll let you do my hair…” I just wasn’t going to win.

I groaned and threw my hands up in the air. “Fine. FINE. Let’s go then.”

***

I completely forgot that I even knew a Taylor the moment Isaac stepped into the bedroom, dripping wet and clothed only in a fuzzy towel. The way the droplets of water were falling from his hair and down his back were so mesmerizing that I thought I’d fall into a glee–induced coma.

I hope he didn’t notice my lips moving as I wholeheartedly prayed for his towel to accidentally fall off.

“Okay,” he began, scampering over to his bed. “I laid the clothes we bought yesterday out on my bed. I’m not so sure if I should wear the collar though. Don’t you think that’s kind of over the top?”

I honestly didn’t hear a word he just said to me. All I heard was, “Blah, blah, blah, look at my tight little butt as I walk around in this tiny pink towel.”

Isaac gave me a strange look and picked up the choker. “I don’t think I should wear this tonight. It’s kind of weird.”

I gazed at the hideous choker in his hand. “It accentuates your outfit. Who’s the fashion consultant here, me or you?”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “You.”

“Good boy,” I stated, patting him on the backside. Hey, after the God-awful day I’ve had I deserve a cheap feel. “All right, let’s get you dressed, shall we?”

Isaac dropped the towel and walked towards his underwear drawer. For a handful blissful seconds, I saw a buck-naked Isaac Hanson in all of his glory. My eyes probably bugged out of their sockets and I’m sure drool was emanating from every orifice of my body, but it was the greatest moment of my life. I made sure to engrave it into the depths of my memory so I could recall the glorious sight in the future.

I have now seen two Hanson brothers in their birthday suits.

I should publish a tell-all book. Complete with pictures and detailed descriptions. I’d make millions.

It was only then that I realized I had been humming “Whatta Man” by Salt ‘n’ Peppa.

Much to my dismay, Isaac didn’t remain naked forever and quickly dressed himself. He looked absolutely ridiculous in the black JNCO’s with horrible flames traveling up one leg, the black satin flame shirt that is truly painful to look at, and shiny, bright red shoes that match the red in the flames. He checked himself out in the mirror and made a face.

“You think I really look good in this?” He asked, hopefully.

I gave him an eager thumbs-up sign. “You look hot.”

“Har-har,” he muttered, looking at himself once again. He reached for the flame collar and put it on. “Okay, now I need to do something with this hair.” He raked a hand through it and sighed. “You should be thankful that you weren’t cursed with curly hair. I swear, one of these days I’m just gonna shave it into a Mohawk.”

I snorted. “Why don’t you just stick with a faux hawk? A Mohawk would require a gallon of mouse with your hair.”

Isaac looked at me as though I had just discovered the cure for the common cold. “A faux hawk... That’s genius! Why haven’t I thought of that before? I think that might look kind of good on me. What do you think?”

I shrugged. What the hell did I know about hair? “It would look good, I guess.”

“Hey, do you think maybe you could do it for me?” He asked, excitedly. “You know you’re much better at dealing with hair than me.” He played with his hair for a moment. “Do you mind getting the mousse from the bathroom while I blow-dry my hair?”

“Sure, no prob.”

I walked out of my room and headed towards the bathroom. I opened the cabinets under the sink and searched for a can of mousse. I grabbed the bottle when I noticed an interesting blue bottle beside it. Curiosity got the better of me and I reached for that too.

“Blue hair pomade,” I read aloud. I gasped as a truly cruel, villainous, vile idea crept into my evil mind. I set the bottle down quickly. I couldn’t be that brutal to the dear boy. Especially since I got the sheer privilege of seeing him naked.

On the other hand, after seeing the boy naked it would be a travesty for him to date that Sharon biznitch and not me. Teachers are boring anyway. I’d be doing him a favor in the long run. As his brother, it is my responsibility to act in his best interest, even if he might not see it now.

Clutching the blue bottle, I skipped back into the boys’ bedroom. Isaac had just finished blowing his short, curly hair dry and was unplugging the long cord. I winced. Putting the afro in a faux hawk was going to take some effort on my part, especially with blue pomade.

Isaac grinned and sat between my legs as I sat above him on the bed. I couldn’t help but notice how girly this entire situation was. It was as if we were sisters, not brothers. Here I was making his hair all pretty for his big date. All we needed was some Ani Defranco playing in the background to make it into even more of a chickfest than it already was.

It took me a good fifteen minutes to get his hair to stay in a semi-decent faux hawk. In all honesty, his hair was way too long and curly to do it properly. I’d have to suggest that he trim the ‘fro if he wants to keep the faux look.

The blue pomade only made it look even more horrific than it already did.

I really shouldn’t have been so pleased at my debauchery.

“Hmm…” I began.

Isaac’s eyebrows shot up. “Hmm, what?”

“I don’t understand why the mousse hasn’t changed yet…”

“Mousse hasn’t… what?” Isaac was really starting to get frightened.

I pretended to think. “You know, go from blue to clear yet.”

Isaac jumped onto his feet and ran to a mirror. He let out a horrified cry at his reflection. He ruefully touched his bright blue faux hawk with shaking hands. He turned to me and grabbed the blue bottle beside me.

“Taylor! This is the blue pomade Zac wore last Halloween when he dressed up as Boy George!” I thought the throbbing vein in his neck was going to explode. “This is NOT mousse!” He let out a pathetic whine and just stared into the mirror. “This is so awful. She’s going to think I’m the biggest loser in the entire world.”

I felt a nagging in my conscience. “I’m sorry, Ike. It was an honest mistake...”

He sighed and closed his eyes. “I don’t blame you, Tay. I know it was only an accident.” He turned away from the mirror and sat down next to me on the bed. “Sharon’s going to hate me, Tay. She really is. You know, it’s taken an entire month of my gentle persistence to convince her to go out with me? When she finally said yes I thought I’d heard wrong. I just wonder sometimes why things have to go wrong always at the most inopportune times.”

See that dog turd sitting in the back yard in the corner? Yeah, that’s what I’ve become. And if you look closer, you’ll see the maggot larvae feasting on the feces. Yep, that’s what I’m quickly evolving into.

“Just be yourself,” I advised, biting my fingernails. “She’ll see what a great guy you are. Your hair really doesn’t matter all that much.” I smiled. “As soon as she sees what a great personality you have, she’ll be hooked.” I know I am.

He made a face. “Yeah, I’m the guy with the great personality. Tay, no offense or anything, but what do you know about awkward first dates? Girls are too busy thinking you’re the hottest thing since individually wrapped cupcakes to notice if you are articulate or not.”

I sighed. “So, what you’re saying is that I’m so pretty that it’s okay to be a complete moron?” In Taylor’s case it might be true.

“More or less.”

“Isaac, if this girl doesn’t realize…” I was silenced by the loud doorbell.

“She’s here!” Isaac exclaimed, rushing toward the mirror for one last attempt at looking semi-decent. It failed miserably. That insane amount of blue pomade I put in his hair was staying put.

“Wait, she’s picking YOU up?” I asked, following him as he rushed to the front door.

“She’s a feminist,” he explained, quietly. I nodded and just waited to see what the feminist Sharon was going to look like for my Isaac. Isaac eagerly opened the door and a petite brunette walked in confidently.

“Hello, Isaac,” she began, glaring at his outfit. I could tell she was trying to hide her appalled reaction. “Are you, um, ready to go?”

“I’m all set, Sharon,” he replied, smiling. “You look incredible.”

She smiled faintly as her eyes rested on me. I shifted uncomfortably. “Thank you.”

“I just need to grab my coat and I’ll be right back.” With that said, Isaac scampered off to his bedroom to find his black leather coat.

This Sharon chick was still staring at me oddly. I tried to ignore it but it was really starting to get on my nerves. For Pete’s sake, take a picture it lasts longer!

“What?” I asked, glaring at her.

Her eyes never left my face. “Taylor, right?”

“Sure.” I already didn’t like this girl. This was the same girl who, as Isaac wistfully described, loved to be around children all the time?

“You’re tall.”

Stupid bitch.

“I guess.” What the fuck was this all about? Yeah, I’m tall. So are a lot of guys in the world. Get over it.

“How old are you?”

“17.” Isaac… where are you?

I nearly vomited as she looked me up and down. If this girl was going to treat Isaac like crap just to get to a douchebag like Taylor… Poor Ike’s pride would be so wounded. Why women judge men solely on their looks just baffles me. Isaac is ten times the man Taylor will ever become.

I only now wish I could have put more blue pomade in his hair.

“Okay, I think we’re all ready to hit to road,” Isaac exclaimed, reemerging. Sharon stifled a groan as she glared at the insane outfit he was wearing. He took her hand and sweetly guided her out the door. “Bye, Tay. Thanks for all your help.”

“Anytime.” The door shut quietly behind them and I breathed a sigh of relief. All of the guilt and shame I’d been feeling for making Isaac look like a complete idiot was gone. I hope she was humiliated to be with him. I hope she never talks to him again. Isaac deserves a woman who appreciates him for being him, not because of his money or lame ass brother.

***

Isaac returned to the house at eleven pm. Zac and I were watching the Simpsons in the den while we waited for Isaac to get back. Personally, my nose was itching like crazy. I HAD to know how his date went.

“Oh my God, Ike,” Zac exclaimed, as Isaac stumbled sadly into the den. “You went out looking like that?”

Isaac gave him a hurt look before sighing heavily. “Needless to say, tonight did not go well at all.”

“Really?” I asked, trying to hide my excitement. No, I must remain in supportive mode. “What happened?”

“First of all, she was completely humiliated to have been forced to be seen in public with me,” he exclaimed, his voice growing louder. “She said that I looked like a circus clown with my asinine outfit and blue hair. I told her that I was experimenting with different looks. She didn’t give a damn. She said that if I cared about her at all I would have dressed like a gentleman and saved my experimentation for a shopping trip at Walmart.”

“Wow, what a bitch!” Zac exclaimed, eyeing me suspiciously.

Oops, I had been smiling.

“That’s awful!” I added, ignoring Zac.

Isaac shrugged. “I was really hurt by her complete lack of interest for a while. But now that I think about it, I really don’t want to be with someone who can’t accept me for who I am. And this might not really be me, but somehow I don’t think she would have appreciated the real me either.”

“It seems as though the Sharon fling is over then, isn’t it?” I asked, putting on my best concerned face. On the inside I was beaming with pride and happiness.

“Definitely!” Isaac exclaimed, standing up. “Well, I’m going to go play on the Internet for awhile. Taylor, I cannot thank you enough for your fashion advice. It saved me a lot of problems in the future.” He got up and left the den.

“Don’t mention it,” I called after him, grinning like a fool. I could feel Zac’s eyes burning two little holes in the side of my face.

“Did you dress Ike like Puff Daddy on purpose?” Zac asked, sharply.

I smiled innocently. “Maybe... but the collar really brings out his…eyes… don’t you think?”

Zac showed no emotion whatsoever. Instead, he continued to stare at me stone-faced. “And you decided to make him look like a smurf with that ridiculous blue hair, didn’t you?”

“I cannot confirm nor deny these accusations...”

Zac nodded. “I see.” He burst out laughing so suddenly that I almost fell off the couch. “Give me five, Abby!”

I hesitantly smacked my hand against his. It was safe to say that I was utterly confused. Instead of getting lectured on how I was a selfish, jealous person, I was being congratulated. As Zac continued to cackle like an old biddy, I could only watch him in apprehensive silence.

Zac eventually stopped laughing and grew very serious. I gulped as he pointed his large index finger at me firmly.

“Abby, if you ever, I mean EVER, play a joke on one of my brothers again…”

I sighed. “I know, I know…”

“...You’d better make sure you include me.”