July 9, 2002 - 12:38 P.M. CT.

Well, I am bored. There is nothing to do. I need to call some staffing places to see about finding a day job. I hate working third shift. Plus, I hate the environment. I'm totally alone, no one to talk to...even if I worked with the others, they're annoying as it is. Benita is okay...well, she is being weird lately, but she was okay before. Then again, she's not very exciting in the end either. Oh well. Anyhow. I need a first shift job, I wanna be home at night. I also want to be able to get 8 hrs a day (40 a week or more), which is impossible at this job. I barely got 6 hours last night, and I went as slow as I could. The only way to get 8 hours is to clean the same phone for 2 hours, which is impossible. I mean, I could do it, but it drives you insane, and I surely don't need that. I wish I could start a business...be my own boss. That would make things so much easier. I wish I could do something. Anything. I need to call Pam at vocational rehabilitation to see if she closed my case and forwarded it to the Evansville office. Hopefully, the Evansville people will have some brain cells in their head and be able to help me find a job. I worked with Pam for nearly 6 months, I bet, and she didn't help me find ANYTHING. Well, she did help me find a 10 hour a week job calling people and doing surveys- which I was going to do, but I never went in. It's practically telemarketing, and that's just awful work.

I wish JoRae was here already. I miss her a lot. It's been nearly three years since I've seen her, and I'm tired of waiting. I just want to hug her or something. I didn't talk to her the other night, because she called so late, and I had been up since 3 am the previous morning (she called at like 1 AM Monday morning, I believe.) I told her online when we talked (didn't get to talk very long) that I would stay awake so she could call...and, I tried...but I fell asleep. It's weird. She said they left at 7 PM, which means when I talked to her, she had like 5 or 6 hours before then, but she couldn't call me at home, because she had too much stuff to do. I'm not calling her a liar, but do you really have 5 hours of stuff to do just to get ready for tour (drum corps?) I must admit, I don't totally trust her. Granted, with everything that has happened before, I have every reason not to trust her at all...I do trust her tho. Just not completely. Not yet atleast. When I see her in front of me, I will trust her. Maybe then not even 100%. Who knows. I'm trying to forgive and forget, and get past the...umm past. I do love her. I do want to be with her. I do want to start my life with her (finally), it's just- I wonder if she'll really come. I have an apartment (even tho I found out yesterday they have an exclusive contract with a shitty cable company here- which means only 28 channels of cable tv, and NO high speed internet access. Plus, they only allow one phone company to do the phones there, which happens to be a phone company I owe a bit of money to, from when I lost my job before...so, I will have to end up getting a cell phone!) and I should be moving in within the next 3 or 4 weeks, so we're set, I guess. I bought a bunch of stuff for the apartment, but still need a lot more. Check the newest stuff section to see what I bought. So, basically, it all depends on if she comes. I think she will, no one in my family agrees...hell, no one agrees. They all think she's going to do the same thing she did a million times before. If she does, I'm screwed. I'll be stuck in an apartment with nothing to do for a year by myself. I would die! Like I said, about her not being able to call...that stuff worries me. Is it true she was just TOO busy for 5 hours, or is it her parents would have noticed her on the phone? I don't know. She always calls so late, so we can never talk. Then again...when she was home these past few days, she wasn't online and didn't call from home or whatever. Should I worry? I dunno. She hasn't even told her parents about us being together again, and that she is moving here when drum corps is over in August. She told my mom the reason was- she wanted to wait to the last minute to tell them, so they wouldn't have time to talk her out of it. That doesn't instill much confidence! Ya know? I mean...geez, thanks. Like I said, I love her. I hope she doesn't read this and get pissed...this is a journal, I'm supposed to write what's on my mind, right? Good then...

I wish I was in a band. I love music, it would be fun to get paid to play it. Oh well.

I want to write a book too, but I can never find the time to do so, or for that matter- the inspiration or whatever. I can't write worth crap anyhow, even tho everyone else tells me I can. Atleast those people who have read stuff I've written before.

Well, I need to go. I don't NEED to, I don't work until 6 (another 5 hours away), but I'm going to go watch as told by ginger, I have episodes on tape...aren't I just the coolest? Yea, I thought so too. I need to see if mom will call my aunt to see if she can talk to the guy she knows at the Sprint Store, and see if he can waive my deposit so I can get a phone today or tomorrow, or sometime soon...

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