Installment Two

Our attic is pretty big; pretty big and dusty.  It has to be big, if you think about, with seven kids and a lot of memories to keep.  There are about ten thousand boxes cramped together up here – okay, maybe ten thousand is pushing it.  There has to be at least something near a hundred.  Some of the boxes were marked with names, or whose room they should have gone into when we moved, and some were just blank with a thick layer of dust on them.  Either way, I had no clue where to even start looking for that doll.  I guess the most logical way to do it would be to look in any boxes with my name on it; so that’s what I started doing.  There were three boxes that actually had my name on them, and I figured it was probably all the stuff mom had kept from when I was a baby.  There was going to be a lot to go through, but, I had to find that doll.  I wasn’t sure if it was for my English paper or me anymore.

I started with box closest to the front; I had given up on the doll when I was nine, when Taylor wasn’t the Taylor I loved anymore.  Old dance costumes are the first thing I encountered.  Mom had always made my costumes for me, and I guess she had saved them as well.  I smiled a little, taking out the sequined one-piece I had used a couple years ago for my tap solo.  I preferred jazz and ballet, but I never complained.  I set it on top of the box next to me and continued to rummage through the one I had opened.  I got about half-way through the box when I finally decided what I was looking for wasn’t in there.  So I stuffed everything back into it, closed it up, and pushed it aside, going to the one furthest in the back.  This one had a lot of baby stuff in it, but… I started to get curious, so I went through it anyway.  There were a few things that had ‘baby’s first…’ whatever on them, and I had to smile.  I used to be that small…  I set aside a few photo albums, and picked up one that looked particularly dusty.  I blew on the top of it – big mistake, I scattered dust everywhere, making myself choke.  And I said Mac was the one with no common sense.  When I opened it up I had to smile – there were pictures from my Christening.  Dad was holding me, and I was in this little white dress – it almost looked like a mini wedding dress – and Ike, and Taylor, and Zac were standing around him.  Dad was sitting on the couch, Ike to his right, and Tay to his left by my head.  Zac was sitting by Isaac trying to see.  Isaac had to be around nine, Taylor about seven, and Zac about four.  Jessica had to have been two, but she wasn’t in the picture.  I smiled, and flipped through a few more; Isaac was holding me in a few of them, and then… Taylor was.  I can’t really explain how proud he looked to be holding me.  It was almost hard to believe, now, that Taylor could have ever been so innocent…  It almost felt like I had dreamed all of what happened, and he was never really the brother I remembered, almost like I had imagined it all.  But I knew that I hadn’t imagined those years, no matter what it felt like, and I suddenly found myself angry.  I closed the book quickly, slamming it closed and tossing it on top of the others.  I didn’t come up here to look at old pictures; I came up here to get a stupid doll so I could write a paper about her.

After putting everything back into the box, I moved on to the last one.  What I was looking for had to be in there.  I coughed as I opened the box and dust flew up in my face, again.  I dug around for a minute, and ended up finding an old soccer jersey.  I never played soccer, but my brothers had.  It was green with white numbers on the back – number 01.  I suddenly knew who it belonged to and in spite of myself, laughed at the reason it was in my box of things.  One night on the bus, I had a lot to drink before I went to bed, and I was sharing a bunk with Tay because we watched a scary movie and I didn’t want to sleep alone.  And, well, I kind of… peed on him.  He was wearing that jersey to bed, and after it was washed he gave it to me.  I was only six.  But that was a long time ago…  I tossed the jersey aside and sure enough, there it was: Maggie.  I hadn’t seen that rag doll since… 2000?  2001?  I pulled her out, put everything else back, and closed the box.  I’d had enough memories for one day.  I didn’t care to remember anything else.  Besides, my allergies were killing me now, thanks to all the dust.  So I just made my way back downstairs, avoiding anyone so I wouldn’t have to tell them why I dug out Maggie, and went right up to my room, closing the door quietly.  I threw the doll on my vanity, and threw myself onto my bed.  I really don’t know what came over me, but I just… cried.

Mom said we were supposed to be in bed by eleven, but I had crawled into my bunk and started watching a movie at ten-thirty, and I still wasn’t tired.  I sighed, maybe a little more loudly than I had intended.  I could hear someone coming, and hoped it wasn’t mom, because she’d make me turn my movie off, and I was into Beauty and the Beast… sort of.  I was relieved when Taylor poked his head inside the curtain.

“Hey Avie,” he whispered.  I grinned at him and scrunched up my nose.

“What do you want?” I stuck my tongue out at him and he laughed quietly.

“Nothin’.  I heard your,” he sighed dramatically, “sigh.” He grinned at me and I giggled.

“You’re a dork, Taylor.” I pulled his hair gently.  “Can I play with your hair?”

“How come you always wanna play with my hair?  You’ve got your own.” He smiled at me.

“‘Cause, Tay, I can’t play with my own hair; I can’t see it.” He seemed to think about it for moment.

“I guess I can see your point.” He smiled at me.  “Scoot over.” I did as told and scooted over in the already cramped bunk, allowing him to crawl in next to me.  He laid down with his back to me, and I started to comb my fingers through his hair.

“Your hair is soft,” I whispered.

“Oh yeah?  Maybe that’s why everyone thinks I’m a girl…” I smiled at his stupidness and poked him in the ribs.  “Hey, I said you could play with my hair, not tickle me.” I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see it.

“Hey Taylor?” I said quietly.

“Hmm?”

“When I grow-up, can I be like you?” I whispered.   I looked over him, and he smiled slightly.

“Why do you wanna be like me?” He asked me, speaking quietly as well.

“Because… I just do.” I didn’t know how to explain it to him.

“If you really want to,” he said quietly, yawning.

“I really do.” I said, still combing my fingers through his hair.  “You’re the best brother Tay.”

“Sure I am,” I watched him smile a little again.  “You just say that because I let you get away with everything.” We both laughed quietly.  I finally laid down, his back to me, and I curled up against him.

“I love you, Tay,” I whispered to him, my eyelids finally growing heavy.

“Love you too, Ave.”

I sat up quickly, my heart beating fast and my breathing quick.  What on earth…?  I fell asleep?  I sat for a moment, just thinking about the dream I had just had.  What is it with these stupid dream-memories?  That was a long time ago, why was it coming back to me now?  Because of this paper?  Because mom told me Taylor was coming home?  I just… didn’t understand, and I didn’t like it.  I wanted to be like Taylor at one point, but not anymore.  That changed.  He changed.  Everything changed.

Mom has been acting kind of strange for the last few days, ever since she told me Taylor was coming home.  I could have sworn she was crying; I know what it looks like when my mom cries, and it’s not something I like to see.  She’s had this sad look in her eyes that she’s been trying to hide, and I don’t know why.  I have a feeling it has to do with my brother, and if he did anything to hurt her, I swear to God his ass will be hanging from a tree.  In the meantime I have this stupid English paper.

“Hey Avie,” Jessica stuck her head in my door.  “Melanie is on the phone.” So the English paper can wait.

“Thanks Jessie,” I said as she tossed the cordless phone to me.  She smiled.

“No problem.” She turned and breezed back out.  I rubbed my eyes for a moment and then picked up the phone, and answered it.

“Hey Mel,” I said, running a hand through my hair.

“Hey Aves,” she replied.  “Are you busy today?”

“No.” I stretched.  “I just woke-up.”

“You lazy slug!” I heard her laugh on the other end, and I chuckled.

“I haven’t slept all morning.  I was up at nine and I went up to the attic to find something, and when I came back down I fell asleep.”

“Well, me, Cat, Jen, Mikey, and JR are going to hang out and we wanted to know if you wanted to come.”

“Um, where?” I asked.  Let it be known that I’m not a groupie, I never have been and I don’t think I ever will be.

“Mikey’s house; you’re mom’s let you come to his house before.”

“That’s because she knows Mike is too stupid to try anything.” We both laughed quietly.  “Hey, isn’t JR a junior?”

“Yyyeah…” she replied, and I could tell she wasn’t telling me something.

“Okay, spill it.  I know you’re hiding something.”

“JR asked me to call you; he wants you to come.” JR is very cute, very popular, and very my type.  If there was any chance at all he liked me I was not going to pass up the chance to hang out with him.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m dead serious.  I think he likes you Aves.”

“Um, what time are you going over to Mike’s?” I asked, sitting in front of the vanity and brushing my hair.  I don’t really wear a lot of make-up.  I’ll put on a little blush and some light mascara, but other than that, I really don’t bother.  Mom says I have natural beauty; I say she’s biased.

“We’re meeting there in about half an hour.”

“Well I need to make sure it’s ok with my mom, and then I need to get someone to drop me off – “

“Don’t worry about a ride.  JR is bringing me and he wants to pick you up.” I felt my heart skip a beat, or two, or three or four.

“Really?” I didn’t want to sound too excited, because then I would just look like an even bigger dork than I really am.

“Uh huh, and you know your mom will let you go.  So we’ll see you in half an hour, okay?” I was speechless for a moment.  “Avery?”

“Oh, um, yeah.  I’ll be ready.”

“Great.” I could hear her grinning.  “I guess we’ll see you then.”

“Okay, great.  Bye.” I hung up the phone feeling a little numb.  JR wanted to hang out with me?  Why?  There were senior girls who would kill to date him, and he was looking at me?  What for?  I looked at my reflection again.  I brushed my hair once more, semi-satisfied, and sighed.  “Guess that’s good enough,” I said to myself.  I rose from my place in front of the vanity.  I had to go and ask if I could actually go.

I bounced down the stairs, and into the kitchen where I knew I could find my mother.  She was there, eating a sandwich and drinking coffee.  She and dad drink so much coffee it’s ridiculous; I think that’s where Ike and Taylor developed their love for it – Zac hates coffee.  She had that look again; she just seemed… sad.

“Hey Mom,” I said, sliding into a chair beside her.  She looked up at me and smiled a little ruefully.

“Hey sweetie,” she said, looking at me for a moment, and then down at her coffee.  She took a sip and we sat quietly for minute or so.

“Um, Mel just called, is it ok if I go to Mike’s house for a while?”

“If you give me a little bit I can drop you – “

“No, it’s okay.  I have a ride.”

“Oh?” She raised her eyebrows in question.  I kind of wanted to tell her anyway.

“Well, this kid, JR, from school is driving Mel and he offered to pick me up too.”

“I see.  Is this the JR I’ve heard you talk about a couple times?  The one who’s so popular?”

“Yeah, that’s him.  I don’t know why he’d wanna hang out with me, but… whatever.” She smiled a little, and nodded.

“It’s ok with me, honey.” She looked back down at her coffee and stayed silent for a while.

“Where’s Dad?” I asked.

“He ran to get some more orange juice,” she answered quietly without looking up.

“Mom, is everything ok?” I asked her quietly, and she looked up.  She smiled at me, but her heart wasn’t in it and I could tell.  Something was bothering her, and I wanted to know what.  “Mom… what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, honey.  You go with your friends go have a good time.” She patted my hand and I stood up, walking over to her and hugging her.  “I love you, Avery.” She said, hugging me back.  I was hoping something wasn’t really wrong.

“You always tell me that you’re here if I need to talk,” I said softly, “but that goes for you too, Mom.  If you wanna talk about anything…  I know I’m your daughter and I don’t have that much wisdom to offer…”

“Thanks honey,” she said, letting me go.  “But I’m fine.”

“Okay.  I’m gonna go grab a light jacket.”

“Avery?” I turned around.  “When you come back, would you put fresh linen on the bed in the spare bedroom.  Tay’s coming home a little earlier than expected.”

“Oh,” I said flatly.  “Sure.”

“Thanks baby.” I smiled tightly at her and ran up to get a light jacket, and with another thought, brush my teeth.  I had just woken up after all, and who knew what my breath smelled like.  I didn’t want to breathe on someone and kill them with my death-breath.

The fist thought that entered my mind when JR and Melanie arrived to pick me up was: JR has a Mustang?  I quickly ran my fingers through my hair, smoothing out any pieces of hair that had thus far decided to have minds of their own.  I called to both of my parents to let them know I was leaving and headed for the door.

“Wait a sec,” dad said, and I skidded to a stop in front of the door.  I turned around, hoping against hope he wasn’t going to want to meet JR first.  “Who’s that?” He asked, pointing out the window at him.  I barely knew the kid myself, so I wasn’t going to try to explain too much in detail.

“It’s just one of the guys from school; he’s bringing me and Mel to Mike’s house.”

“I’ve never seen him before,” he said, eyeing him carefully.

“Dad, please don’t get super over-protective on me now,” I whined.  “I really have to go…”

“How long are you staying at Mikey’s?”

“A couple hours.  I’ll be home for dinner.” I answered.  Those were my intentions, and I planned on sticking to them.

“All right, then.” He smiled.  “Far be it for me to hinder you further.” I smiled at him and stood up on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“See you in a little while, Daddy.” I opened the front door and hurried out, almost too excited.  I had to remind myself not to say or do anything that would make me look stupid in front of JR.

I climbed easily into the back seat of his hunter green mustang, smiling at him and Mel as I settled myself.

“Hey Aves,” Mel said, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

“Hey Mel,” I replied, pretending not to notice JR.  He’s a little hard not to notice.  He has that olive complexion with the dark hair and grey eyes, almost a steely colour.  He’s built, but I don’t consider him ripped, and yet he is in no way scrawny.  He was about the same height as Isaac.

"Hey Avery,” he said to me, smiling a little in the rearview mirror.  I smiled a little and hoped I wasn’t blushing.

“Hey JR,” I replied, looking out the window and hoping he wasn’t noticing too much the stupid grin on my face.  “Thanks for picking me up.”

“My pleasure,” he smiled at me through the mirror again.  I just smiled back and looked out the window so as not to stare at him.  Did I mention he has a gorgeous smile?  Oh yeah; the kind that makes just about any girl melt into a puddle where she stands, or in my case, sits?  Well, that’s it.  He was killing me.

“Mike!  You’re such a loser!” I laughed, pushing him off of me.  You have to know Mike to really be around him and not be annoyed to death.  He’ll do stupid things like purposely fall on someone by accident, and cause you to spill what you’re holding or fall down with him.  I had been holding a bowl of popcorn.  He stood up, picking up some popcorn off the floor and eating it.  “You suck,” I joked.

“Hmm,” he replied, stroking non-existent hairs on his chin.  “Maybe…”

“You’re sick, Mikey,” Jen said, smiling.  We all just laughed, and that’s about the time I almost died.  I noticed that JR was looking at me, and quickly looked away.  I felt the blush creep into my cheeks, and chanced a look up at him.  He just smiled and looked down at the floor, and I did the same.  Maybe he really did like me…

“What are you guys doing in there?” Mikes mom asked, coming into the living room, chuckling as well.  Thank God she was easy going or we would have been dead; we always make a mess, whosever house we’re at, but in the same breath we always clean up after ourselves.

“Mike’s a dork,” I said, kicking him, causing him to topple over the coffee table.  It wouldn’t have been so funny if I had meant to do it, or if he had just done it as another one of his stupid antics.  But he really toppled over, and it was one of the funniest things I had ever seen in my life, and I almost wet my pants laughing so hard.  His dad, hearing the noise had come to check it out as well, and just shook his head, smiling.

“I don’t know about you guys,” he said, chuckling as he left us to ourselves.

After we had collected ourselves, and were no longer in danger of pants-wetting or hyperventilating, or suffocating from laughing so hard, I took a moment to glance at the clock.

“Oh crap,” I said getting up.  “Guys, I have to get home.  I promised I’d be home for dinner, and that’s in like, ten minutes.”

“It’s no problem,” JR recovered quickly.  “I’ll drop you off home.”

“Um, thanks,” I said, blushing a little.

“I’ll be back in a few guys,” he said, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on.

“See you guys later,” I said, waving to them, and following JR out of the house and to his car.  I was riding up front this time.  Go me.

It was about a ten, maybe fifteen minute ride from Mike’s house to mine, and most of that time I had spent brooding.  I should have been thinking about how great it was sitting in the front seat of JR’s mustang with him, but instead I was thinking of my mother.  I couldn’t get over the fact that something was bothering her.

“You’re awfully quiet,” he interrupted my thoughts quietly.  I turned to look at him, his features soft and bright, and a small smile on his lips.  I smiled a little and blushed.

“Sorry.  I was thinking about my mom,” I replied, inwardly kicking myself for how lame it sounded.

“That’s the first time I’ve heard that one,” he said, laughing a little.

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean… I wasn’t trying to ignore you.” I said, shaking my head, hoping he didn’t think I wasn’t interested.

“I know we don’t know each other that well, but if this makes you uncomfortable – “

“No!  Um, no.” I said, trying to calm myself down.  “That’s not it at all.”

“Well… wanna tell me about it?” He asked hopefully, looking over at me again for a moment.

“It’s really nothing big.  It’s just… well, my mom has always been a happy person or whatever, but… lately she’s been kinda down.”

“Hmm.” He seemed to consider it.

“I mean, my stupid brother is coming home, and if he had anything to do with her feeling down, I’ll kill him.”

“Maybe she’s having a mid-life crisis or something.” He seemed serious so I tried not to laugh.  With seven children her whole life was her mid-life crisis.  After a moment I actually considered it; it could be, I mean I hadn’t ever thought of it, but who’s to say that couldn’t be it?

“Maybe…” I said thoughtfully, looking out the passenger side window for a moment.

“I’m glad you came today.” He said, and I looked at him again.  “I want to get to know you better.”

“Really?” I couldn’t help the half shy, half hopeful smile that graced my lips.

“Yeah,” he replied smoothly.  “I think you’re really cool.” I laughed a little nervously, a little embarrassed.

“Thanks.” I looked down at my lap.  “You’re pretty cool yourself.” He seemed to like that answer and laughed too.  This was nice…

“Well… this is your stop.” I looked up, suddenly aware that we were alone in his car.  What now?  What was I supposed to do?  Shake his hand like a nerd and say thanks for the ride?

“I guess it is,” I replied quietly.

“I hope we can do this again sometime.”

“Yeah,” I said, “maybe.” He leaned over and softly kissed my cheek.  I smiled a little at him.  “Thanks for the ride.” He smiled at me.  Oh yeah, I am smooth.

“My pleasure,” he replied, as I undid my seatbelt and opened the passenger side door.  I smiled one more time at him, and got out, closing the car door, and bounding for my front door.  I was trying not to act too giddy.  I heard him pull away and smiled to myself before I went in the front door.  Today was good.  And now, it was time to face dinner.  You see, it’s a lot like the start of World War III at our dinner table; very noisy and often with flying debris.

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