Installment One

I can remember years worth of time when I shared a room with Jessica and we’d sit up at night and talk about all the cool places we got to go because of our brothers.  I have a room of my own now, which I’m grateful for, but I’m beginning to think that I actually miss the lack of space and privacy.  Jessie and I have always been close, and we still are, just not as close as we used to be.  If I need someone to talk to she’ll make time for me, most of the time.  She has a new boyfriend so she’s been hanging out with him a lot and leaving me to reflective silences while sitting in my room and staring at the ceiling.  Mac is… well, Mac is Mac and he isn’t really the brother I’d go running to anyway; beside the fact he’s younger than me, he hasn’t the common sense God gave a tree stump.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s smart – book smart – but leave him to make any decisions for himself and forget it.  Then again, he is only twelve.  Ike doesn’t live home anymore, but he comes by often enough.  This was just one of those days that I wished he would; I felt kind of… blah.  I wanted to do something, but there really wasn’t much to do – I had even done my chores and Jessica’s seeing as she wasn’t home.  I was just bored and feeling a lot like I wanted to go back in time and brush my brother’s hair.  Zac was in class – he goes to college at Tulsa University, and yes, that is a real college.  He’s taking some art and math classes there, and some social sciences, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he became the focus of studies in behavioral patterns and personalities.  He and my two other brothers are on hiatus as far as the music industry goes, for now anyway.

I got up from my bed, making my way across the room to sit in front of the vanity that my mother had given me.  I looked at my reflection; long blonde hair – no surprise there seeing as it was the dominant gene in this family – brown eyes, smooth skin.  Plain.  I started to brush my hair out; it wasn’t as long as Jessica’s or Zoë’s; my hair was only to my shoulders, whereas both of my sisters had hair down to their butts.  I parted my hair down the middle, pulling two hair elastics from the drawer to my left.  I started to French braid the right side, screwed it up, pulled it out, and started again.  I could French braid anyone and everyone’s hair except my own.  I heard a soft chuckle from the doorway and turned to see my mother standing there, her still butt-length hair held back with a barrette.

“I think I’ll just cut it all off, as short as Zac and Ike’s.” I sighed and she laughed quietly.

“Honey, do you want some help?” She asked, coming into my room.

“Yeah,” I sighed.  “I can never braid my own hair.” I scooted over on the small bench allowing her to sit down beside me.  She was the epitome of Taylor and Zoë, or they were the epitome of her.  She was so pretty; my mother is elegantly beautiful.  She had high cheekbones, like Taylor, and bright blue eyes.  She had such a pretty smile that could light up any room; and she had this air about her…  I loved her so much.

“Not everybody can.” She said, taking a section of my hair and brushing it gently.  She pieced it into three sections and set to work, meticulously lapping each piece over the other.

“Mom, if I ask you a question, you’ll answer truthfully, right?” I asked her, looking at her in the mirror.  She met my gaze in the glass and smiled softly.

“I’d never lie to you, if I can help it.”

“Why do people change so much?” I asked, my eyebrows knitting together.  “I mean, I know time goes by and people grow-up, but why do they change?”

“Well,” she started, sighing a little.  “Circumstances can cause people to change; at least they can be a factor that helps change along.  Why do you ask?”

“‘Cause; I was just thinking about when I was little.  You know, when the boys first got their contract.”

I watched her brow crease in the mirror.  “What made you start thinking about that?”

“Honestly?  I was snooping through some stuff in your room yesterday, and I came across some photo albums.”

“I see.” She finished braiding one side of my hair and got up, and I scooted over again in the other direction to let her sit beside me again, just on the other side.  “What were you looking for?”

“My old doll; the one you told me Taylor bought me for my first birthday – you know which one I mean; that rag doll.”

She nodded once, smiling a little, ruefully.  “I do know.”

“Well, we have to write this essay for English on something that has meaning.  I thought about it for a long time, and well… all I could think of was that doll.  Maggie.”

“I haven’t seen her in a long time,” she said, pausing to look at me in the mirror.

“Yeah well, I packed her away when my brother turned into a bastard.” I said bitterly.

“Avie,” she said softly, scoldingly.

“Sorry,” I said quietly.  “I have to write what it means to me; what meaning it holds.  And I guess… well, it holds a lot of meaning.  It reminds me of how things used to be, a long time ago, and…” I got quieter “…how much things have changed.”

“What brought this on?” She asked, tying the elastic around the end of my hair as she finished.

“I don’t know really.  I guess with Zac in college, and his new girlfriend, and Jessica getting her license and her new boyfriend… I guess I just miss old times, that’s all.”

“Feeling left out?” She asked, resting her chin on my shoulder and looking at us in the mirror.

“Yeah, a little.”

“Avie, it doesn’t change that they’re still your brothers, Jessica is still your sister, and they love you.”

“I know that.  I just wish that some things hadn’t changed.” She knew what I meant, and she sighed as she stood up.  She kissed the top of my head.

“I thought you might like to know, Taylor’s coming home in a few weeks.  You might want to spend some time with him.” I snorted.  The last person I wanted to spend time with was that jerk.  I was quiet as she left the room, leaving the door open as I had left it.

I go to public school, hence the English paper.  Jessica, Mackenzie, Zoë and myself all had the option of being home schooled like my older brothers or going to public school.  We all opted to be home schooled, until last year when Jess and I decided we wanted to try high school.  It was her junior year and my freshman year.  She liked it, and now she’s in her senior year, and happy at that.  I didn’t care for it that much, but I figured I might as well try one more year and if I didn’t like it after that, I’d go back to home schooling with the two younger kids.

I had the intentions of calling a friend and doing something, that was the sole reason I had my hair braided, but… I changed my mind.  I hadn’t seen Taylor in about two, maybe three years, and now he was coming home.  I felt a little dizzy; it was strange.  Suddenly, all I wanted to do was lie down and take a nap.  My mind was reeling with the thought of my older brother coming home, and I just wanted to not think about it.

I wandered down the hallway to my brothers’ room, not bothering to knock on the door, knowing that two out of three of them were definitely asleep.  I crept in quietly, leaving the door cracked so the light from the hallway would allow me to see so I didn’t trip over anything that they had strewn across the floor.  I crept to Taylor’s bunk bed, thankful that he slept on the bottom, and stood beside the trundle where Zac slept, my legs by his head.  I reached out and gently tapped Taylor’s shoulder, and like the light sleeper that he was, he turned over to look at me.

“Avie?” I nodded.  “What are you doing up?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” I whispered, shrugging a little.  He looked down at Zac, and then at the clock on the dresser.  The bright green numbers read 12:03.  He gave me a small smile and nodded toward the door.  I headed in that direction and he followed, carefully climbing out of his bed, making sure not to step on Zac.  He followed me out and down the hall to the room I shared with Jess.  He turned on the lamp by my bed, knowing it wouldn’t wake our sister – she slept like a log.

“What’s up, Ave?” He asked quietly, tugging gently on a lock of my long hair.  I shrugged.

“When are you guys leaving for L.A.?”

“You’re worried about that?” He asked, a little surprised.

“How far away is that?”

"It’s in California,” he answered.  “What’s all this about anyway?”

“Mom said you and Ike, and Zac got a contract.  She said you’re gonna make a CD.”

“Yeah,” he nodded.  “That’s right.”

“Is California far away?”

“Pretty far,” he answered quietly, smoothing my hair.  “What’s wrong, Ave?”

“I’m gonna miss you,” I whispered.  I felt tears sting my eyes, and I really didn’t know why.

“Aw, honey,” he smiled a little and pulled me into a hug.  “We’re coming back.  And you won’t have to miss me; we’re all going to California – we’re just leaving a little earlier than you.”

“You’re gonna be famous, and forget about me.” He held me out and looked at me sternly.

“Avie, I could never forget about you, okay?” I sniffed and he repeated himself.  “Okay?”

I nodded.  “Okay.” We hugged each other, and I started playing with his hair.

“Come on,” he said softly.  “Get under your covers.” I slid under my covers, and he smoothed my hair away from my face, wiping my tears.

“Sing to me?” I said, and he smiled.

“Only if you promise to go to sleep right after.” I smiled now.

“Okay.”

Then he started to sing; it was my favourite church song from Sunday masses.  “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…”

“Avery!” I was startled awake by Mac, his head stuck in my doorway, grinning like a mad man.  “Dude, you should have seen yourself jump.” He laughed.

“Shut up, Mac.  And I’m not a ‘dude’.”

“Whatever.  Dinner’s ready.” He said, still laughing, and ran from my doorway.  I swung my legs over the side of my bed, and just sat on the edge for a moment.  That was no ordinary dream; that was a memory, and it kind of hurt.  Remembering Taylor that way made me wish he was still that way.  I suppose I should tell you where Taylor is coming home from.  When he was twenty, or maybe twenty-one, I don’t remember that well, he moved to New York City.  He has an apartment there with his friends, if it’s possible for him to even have any friends.  I don’t know what he does there, but it probably involves skanky girls and sex, and then bragging about it to his buddies.  That’s Taylor for you.  Hearing my name shouted one more time I sighed.

“I’m coming!” I called back, and headed down to dinner.  Zac should be home by now; he could hang out with me if he wasn’t busy, and even if he was he’d let me hang in his room and play video games.

I helped mom clean-up the kitchen after dinner, scraping plates, drying the dishes and putting them away after she washed them.  We had a dishwasher, but don’t ask me why we never used it.  She didn’t mention Taylor again; I think she knew it was kind of a sore subject with me.  He’s kept in touch with us; he still calls mom every single night, and she calls him every morning.  He talks to my brothers and sisters on the phone occasionally, but I always make up some excuse not to talk to him.  The truth is I don’t want to talk to him.

“Avie?” Mom said my name and I looked at her as I reached up and put the last plate into the cupboard.

“Hmm?” I replied.

“I think your doll is up in the attic.  You’ll have to go up and check when you get time.” I stared at her for a moment; she kind of caught me off guard.

“Oh,” was my brilliant answer.  “Okay.  I’ll go up and check tomorrow.” She smiled and nodded.

“Go on, honey.  I can finish the rest of this.”

“You sure?  I don’t mind.” I said, putting a glass in the next cupboard.

“Yeah.  Go on and see Zac.”

I smiled, thankful for her letting me off the hook.  I said thanks and ran upstairs to Zac’s room.  I always knock before I go in Zac’s room, not because I’m worried that I’m going to walk in and see something that will scar me for the rest of my life, but for the simple fact he’s nice to me so I’m just being polite.

“Enter.” He said, and I shook my head, smiling.  He’s such a dork.  I opened the door and stuck my head inside and he smiled at me.  “Hey Avie.”

“Hey.  Can I come in?”

“Sure.” I came in and closed the door behind me.  I smiled at his girlfriend.  She was really nice, and could get as crazy as Zac sometimes, or as quiet as Ike.  She had really dark hair, almost black, and these really pretty green eyes.  I told her before that I wished I had eyes like hers; it was really cool how she had all that bright, emerald green and then the flecks of gold mixed in with it.  Her eyes were a lot prettier than my plain old brown ones.

“Hey Rachel,” I said, smiling at her.

“Hey Avie.” She smiled back.  I always liked her, right from the start.

“Are you busy?” I asked my brother.  He closed whatever text book he had open and smiled at me.

“Nope.  Not too busy for you, anyway.”

“You’re such a dork, Zac.”

“Must run in the family,” he said, shrugging and grinning.  Rachel laughed quietly and I laughed a little, too.  He had a point though; we could all be pretty dorky sometimes – I think we get it from dad.  I sighed.

“I’m really bored.  I hate to bug you, but…”

“Well, what do you wanna do?” Rachel asked me.  She and Zac let me tag along with them a lot, when they weren’t in with groups of their friends; then they left me out for my own good, which I was always thankful for, knowing I would feel very out of place.

“I don’t know, honestly.  Just… something.” I flopped down on his bed beside Rachel.

“You wanna see a movie?” He asked me.  “I’ll pay for you if you don’t have any money.”

“Thanks for the offer, but there really isn’t anything good out.” He seemed to digest that and just think for a moment.

“I could kick your ass on a game of Moral Kombat 4.” He grinned wickedly, and Rachel laughed.

“I think that’s a challenge,” she said, looking at me, and I grinned wide.  They both laughed.

“We’ll see who kicks whose ass.” I slid off the bed and Zac followed me to the floor.  “Prepare to lose, Zachary Walker.”

“Oh no, Avery Laurel, I think you are the one who should prepare to lose.” He said and leaned over toward me.  “You’ve never beat me yet,” he whispered and grinned.

“Shut up,” I retorted, smiling in spite of myself.  Rachel came and sat on the other side of me, sandwiching me between her and my brother.  I didn’t mind though; at least they always made me feel welcome and wanted.  This was good for now.  I could go up to the attic and search for Maggie tomorrow; I had more important things, like kicking Zac’s ass on this game, or getting my ass kicked by Zac on this game, than look for a raggedy doll a brother I would like to forget gave to me when I turned one.

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