Chapter 8 - So, do you, like, touch his naked body…

ABBY

“Abby, please.  Abby you need to think about what you are doing here,” Taylor pleaded, on his knees.  I smiled and continued to charge after him.  With little effort, I maneuvered him onto his stomach and handcuffed his arms behind his back.  I turned him so that he was lying on his side and swiftly kicked him in the stomach.  After some swearing and crying on his part, he decided to beg for mercy.

“I’m sorry, Abby!  I swear to God I am!”  He cried, trembling with fear.

“You deserve to suffer you miserable peon!”  I retorted, kicking him in the stomach again.  This will make him think twice before switching bodies with someone again.

“You’re right!  I’m a terrible person!  Just please show some mercy!”  He begged, pitifully.  “I’m begging you, please!  I’ll do anything you want I swear!”

“You’d better give me my body back, you disgusting pervert, before I get really mad!”  I shouted, stepping on his head.  I wished I could have squished it and have done a favor to mankind.

“Yes, let me turn us back!” Taylor insisted, tears streaming down his face.  I was about to agree before I paused.

“I want to wait a few minutes,” I muttered.  “Because if we switch bodies back right now, I will be handcuffed and in pain.  I want you to suffer Taylor.”  I grinned evilly.  I can arrange that.

I began hitting myself repeatedly in the stomach.  “Come on, Taylor!  Change us back now!”  I hit myself over and over.  It was so painful but I knew he would really be the one suffering shortly.  Punch…punch…punch…

“Taylor!  Get up, sleepy-head!”

My eyes opened ruefully.  Some wacko kid was jumping up and down on my stomach calling me Taylor.  Who the hell was this kid and why was he bothering me at this ungodly hour of…11:30.

“Were you going to sleep all day?”  A strange boy asked, walking into the room.  “I swear to God, Tay, sometimes I think you could put Zac to shame with your laziness.”

Despite the shrieking child, all I heard was a choir of angels and violins in the background.  Who was this beautiful specimen walking before me?  It didn’t really matter that he was calling me Tay, just as long as he was calling me.

The child, noticing that he had gotten his way, sat back on my stomach and grinned.  He then suddenly threw himself upon me like a rabid dog, hugging me so tight I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out.  Although it was quite endearing to be adored so by a child, I hadn’t forgotten the fact that he was a complete stranger to me.

“Hey you,” I began, to the demon-child.  That’s funny, my voice sounded rather low this morning.  I cleared it a couple times as the kid decided it would be fun to squirm around on my stomach.

“Hey, Tay, would you mind going over that new song of Zac’s?  I think it’s called Eternity or something like that.  There’re a couple places where I don’t think the harmonies are quite working out.”

“Why do you insist on calling me Tay?”  I questioned, smoothing my hair.  It felt a lot shorter than I thought it was.  Not only was that kind of weird, but I had no idea where I was at the moment.  I was obviously in a bedroom of some sort, but how I got in there was a complete mystery. 

“Oh, I’m sorry!  Would you prefer Mr. Hanson?”  The boy asked, sarcastically.  Hey, there was no need to get snippy.  You’d think he’d have a little compassion for someone who was very confused about her whereabouts.  “Or maybe you’d prefer Party Animal because that’s what you’re turning into!”

“Oh, give him a break, Ike,” a voice laughed, as a new person entered the room.  It sounded like a boy, but its hair was much too long and shiny.  Perhaps she was just a great big, ugly girl.  “He goes to one party and suddenly he’s on a one way street to reckless partier titles.  Who are you, Dad?”

“Ike,” whom I assumed could also be referred to as Isaac, rolled his eyes.  “Zac, look at him.  He looks as though he was shot at and missed, then shit at and hit.”

Oops!  Sorry, Zac.  Didn’t mean to consider you a female.

“Yeah, you look kind of bad, Tay,” Zac agreed.  “What were YOU doing last night?”

I squinted for a second.  What had I done last night?  Let’s see… I went to Brooke’s party.  I had a lot to drink.  I was going to sleep over at Brooke’s house.  I bumped into that Taylor asshole… God damn it. 

“I’m a boy…” I muttered, angrily. 

“What did you say?”  Zac question, giving me a weird look.

“Nothing…”

“Ike said shit!”  The child squealed, clapping his hands.

“No he didn’t,” Zac insisted, pulling the child off of my tired body.  I would have to thank him for that later.  The little tike was heavier than he looked.  “You know better than to make up stories and say bad words!  Now, skedaddle before I tell Mom and you get in big trouble!”  The little imp, terrified of getting in trouble, let out a scream and high-tailed it out of here.  I only wished I could do the same.

“So, what happened at this party, Tay?”  Isaac asked, sitting himself on the single bed.  He grabbed a magazine lying on the floor and started flipping aimlessly through the pages.  “Zac and I waited for you until about two but then we fell asleep.  Usually you’re home around one-thirty or two whenever you go out.  What made this one special enough to waste precious sleeping time?”

“I bet it was that girl you told me about,” Zac guessed, scratching his chin.  “What was her name?  Barbara?  Becky?”

“Brooke,” I replied, rolling my eyes.  “And yeah, this party was unlike any party I’ve ever been to, trust me.”  I made a mental note to watch what this Zac character ate at dinner, since he was the one who decided to resemble a trumpet last night. 

“What do you mean?”  Zac asked, genuinely interested.  “Brooke’s pretty high society.  I bet her parties are killer.  How’d you get invited anyway?”

I laughed.  “Beats me.  I’m definitely not good enough to go to a party like Brooke’s.”

“Now, Tay, don’t make me bring in Mom,” Isaac warned, with a grin.  “She’ll make you sing the “I Love Myself” song with Zoe.  Although, I must admit, that would be a rare treat for Zac and I.  Don’t you agree Sir Zachary?”

“That I do, Sir Isaac.”

“You guys are such dorks,” I muttered, shaking my head.  “No wonder you’re my brothers.  I fit in perfectly.”

“Hey boys,” a woman said, knocking softly at the door.  It was Taylor’s mother, I remembered her from last night.  “Are you all hungry?  Brunch is on the table.  Today the kitchen has prepared pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, cinnamon buns, and home fries for your dining pleasure.”  She smiled a radiant smile before leaving the room.

“Wow, what’s the special occasion?”  I asked, slowly getting myself out of bed.  I felt a slight stomachache, which I assumed was due to a hangover.

“Special occasion?”  Zac asked, skeptically.  “Are you all right, man?  You’ve been acting sketchy all morning.”

“Yeah, I know,” I admitted.  “It was a wild night, that’s all.  I’ll be back to normal in no time.”  Taylor’s brothers kind of shrugged to each other and made their way out of the room and headed towards the dining room.  I started to follow them before I felt a strange, tingly feeling.  I had to use the restroom.

I tried crossing my legs but it didn’t seem to affect the pressure building up.  I started doing some type of weird pee-pee dance down the hallway that went on forever until I finally came across a bathroom.  Triumphantly, I shut the door behind me and slid my shorts off.  I sat down and sighed before I realized that I had a penis and sitting wasn’t going to get the job done effectively.  By now, the pressure had become almost unbearable and I had to grit my teeth to keep it in.

“Okay, how does this go?”  I asked myself.  “Seat up and shoot?”

I started urinating and it took me exactly two seconds to realize I’d done something wrong. 

“Oh, EW!  It’s going down my leg!”  I hissed, trying not to be too loud.  The last thing I needed was for one of his millions of siblings to listen to my incriminating conversation with myself.  I managed to stop mid-pee, which is a quite difficult task, mind you.  At this point I was so disgusted I thought I was going to keel over. 

Now how was I supposed to get it into the toilet?  I tried standing in front of it and it just wouldn’t work.  Cursing Taylor, I pulled half of the toilet paper from the dispenser and wrapped it around my hand many times.  With bile rising in my throat, I regrettably took his member in my hands and then aimed it for the toilet.  It appeared as though that was the tried and true method used by all men.

After scrubbing my leg and hands with all the antibacterial disinfectant soaps I could find, I exited the bathroom.  If I ever had to do such a heinous task again, I would seriously consider all the vast ways of ending dear Taylor’s life.  That was a fascinating subject to think about really.  If I were to commit suicide, would I die trapped in Taylor’s body or would Taylor die and I get to return to my own body?  Interesting…

“What took you so long?”  Taylor’s mom asked, as I entered the kitchen/dining room area.  It was a beautiful kitchen, complete with sippy cups on the counters and children’s drawings posted proudly on the refrigerator.  I noticed who appeared to be Mr. Hanson sitting at the head of the table, reading a newspaper while Mrs. Hanson was helping her baby girl eat her eggs at the opposite end of the table.  All of the children, including Isaac and Zachary, were eating and talking peacefully.  I think I’ve stepped into the Leave it to Beaver realm.

This had to be the complete opposite of everything I’ve ever grown up with, after my dad died.  When my father was still alive, we had breakfasts like this all the time.  Mom didn’t have to maintain a job, so she was available to cater to our every dining whim.  My sister and I actually got along then, surprise, surprise.  But now, my kitchen is pretty much a serve yourself type establishment.  I would grab a granola bar or even a bowl of cereal if I’m ready early and dash out of the door.  And, let’s not forget the quintessential cheerless banter between my sister and I.  That’s pretty much routine between us now.

“Hello?  Earth to Taylor?”  The oldest of the girls exclaimed, waving her hand in the air.  “He’s been invaded by a body-snatcher or something.”

I snapped back at attention and frowned.  “You got that right.”  I sat myself down at the only empty seat and found myself being glared at by Zac.  “What are you staring at?”

He just shook his head and poured more syrup on him pancakes.  In spite of myself, I found myself grinning excitedly.  I haven’t had a breakfast smorgasbord like this in years.  I filled my plate to the maximum of eggs, five pancakes, four sausage links, a handful of bacon (which resulted in an eyebrow raise in Mrs. Hanson), and as many hashbrowns I could fit on my plate with everything else.  I felt seven pairs of eyes staring me down.  I looked up slowly, feeling extremely uncomfortable since the only eyes not glued to my plate were the baby’s. 

“Um, hey everybody, is there something on my face or something?”  I asked, nervously.  They couldn’t possibly have figured out that I’m not Taylor!  Oh my God, what if they did?  They would cut off my head by guillotine!

“Since when do you eat bacon?”  Zac asked, slowly. 

I shrugged.  “I just felt like having some.  It’s no big deal.”

“Yeah, it is,” the oldest girl exclaimed, obnoxiously.  “Every time Avery and Zac trick you into eating bacon you throw a hissy fit and you gargle for like a half an hour.  You don’t eat bacon.”

I groaned inwardly.  Why the hell wouldn’t Taylor eat bacon?  He doesn’t seem like the vegetarian type.  And, of course, the entire family HAS to take notice that I chose a few pieces of bacon this morning.  Why can’t they be as oblivious as my family?  I swear, if Taylor really is in my body he has it so much easier than I do.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled, defeatedly.  “I guess I just want to expand my tastes.  I’m sure you’re all right though.  No matter how hard I try I will never like bacon.”

After the breakfast catastrophe, I decided to get dressed and stop by Brooke’s house in hopes Taylor would have the intelligence to meet me there.  Even if this was his elaborate perverted scheme he’d want to return back to normal eventually.  He got to sleep over at Brooke’s for the night, now it’s time to stop playing around.  I’ve suffered enough.

“Hey, Tay?”  Zac asked, entering the room as I opened a drawer (it was different from the one I’d dealt with last night, since they had a whole other dresser on the other side of the room) to select Taylor’s ensemble for the day.  I nearly jumped a mile.  Hasn’t anyone ever heard of privacy in this household?

“You scared me,” I commented, after I caught my breath.  “What do you want?”

“Why are you looking through my drawers?”  He asked, folding his arms across his chest.  “Those are my shorts and t-shirt you’re wearing.  Why are you into my stuff?  You hate my clothing.”

“Does it really matter if I wear your clothes?”  I snapped, fed up with these little quirky tidbits.  It’s hard enough pretending to be a boy.  “But so I don’t bother you anymore, I will close your drawer and open this nice one underneath it.  Or, do you have a problem with this one too?”

Zac narrowed his eyes at me.  “That one’s Ike’s.”

Ugh, I give up.  “Fine.”  I slammed that one shut and opened the one underneath it.  This Zac kid was the most annoying bastard on the planet.  Why was everything such a big deal in this family?

“I lied.  The second one WAS yours,” Zac exclaimed, shutting the door.  He approached me and stared at me straight in the eye.  “The third one was Ike’s.  Okay, you have a lot of explaining to do, buddy.  You’ve developed this snotty attitude and you don’t talk to us like you usually do and suddenly you want to eat bacon.  What the hell has gotten into you?  You’re like a totally different person!”

“I am a totally different person.”

“What are you talking about?”  Zac asked, stepping back a bit. 

I sat down on the floor and started to cry.  “You won’t believe me if I told you, Zac.  And I want to tell you.  I wish there was someone else who could understand but that would be Taylor.  I tried to tell his stupid friend Jason but he thought I was stoned.”

“Dude, you are not making any kind of sense,” Zac remarked, tilting his head to the side.  “Why are you talking in the third person?  I hate it when Ike does it so don’t you start!”

“Never mind,” I muttered, regrettably.  I wiped the runaway tears from my eyes and stood up.  “I was right.  You wouldn’t understand.”

“What happened at that party, Tay?”  I felt a hand creep onto my shoulder.  I shrugged it off.

“Stop calling me Tay.”

“What would you like me to call you then?”  Zac asked, folding his arms across his chest.  “Jordan?  JT?”

“Abby.”

Zac burst out laughing.  “Okay, Abby.  You can call me Deborah.”

“Stop being such a wise-ass,” I muttered, searching through the second drawer.  It was a complete mess.  How did the boy dress himself in the morning?  “My name is Abby.  I’m not Taylor.  This is going to sound really crazy and impossible but it’s the honest truth.  Somehow Taylor and I have switched bodies and I’m stuck in his.”

“Are you on drugs?”

I stamped my foot and screamed.  “I am not on drugs!  God!”  What do I have to say to these people to get it through their thick skulls?  “Have I been acting like Taylor?”

“No…” Zac replied, slowly.

“Do I speak like Taylor?”

“Sometimes…”

“Okay, then, forget that one!  Look at my girlish tendencies!  Can’t you see that I’m just a girl trapped in your brother’s body?”  I pleaded, pulling at the blond hair on my head.  “Come on, you cannot tell me your brother is this girlie!”

“Well, he can be kind of a diva when he wants to be.”

“Would he do this?”  I asked, grabbing him and kissing him square on the lips.  Zac pushed me off of him in less than a second, looking completely grossed out.  He wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand and just glared at me, appalled.  I smiled at him smugly, crossing my arms across my chest.

“So, you’re a girl, huh?”  He asked, wiping his mouth again excessively.  “Don’t ever do that again, okay?”

“Ew, I promise!”  I exclaimed.  “I didn’t exactly enjoy that either but I had a point to prove.”

“Yeah, but I just kissed my brother.”

“Okay, I apologize for that,” I offered.  “But now you see the severity of the situation!  I need to get back into my body and fast!  I don’t like being a smelly, disgusting boy!  This madness has to stop before I go completely crazy!”

“How did this happen?”  Zac asked, watching me closely.  I suppose he was making sure I looked exactly the same.  At the same time, I did feel a little bad for him since his brother was now a girl.

“I have no idea,” I replied, sadly.  I pulled nearly every single shirt out of the drawer.  Was there not one normal thing to wear?  I grinned as I saw a “Danny’s Music Box” t-shirt.  This would do nicely.  It’s about time the boy wore something other than silk, spandex, or leather.  “But I know it has something to do with your insane, evil, sick, and twisted excuse for a brother.”

“Hey there!”

“Well, he was the one who put the whammy on me!”  I exclaimed, in my own defense.  “He wanted to get close to my friend, Brooke, and obviously would do anything to do that!”  I put my hand on Zac’s shoulder and grinned.  “But now that I have an ally I know we can find him and make him change us back!”

“Do you have any proof of this?”  Zac questioned, just looking at my hand oddly.  “Taylor’s not really that kind of person.  I believe that he’s into your friend but for him to go all out and switch bodies just isn’t his style.  He’d have to be involved in the black arts or something.  And Taylor is more of a history, English person.”

I just kind of glared at Zac.  What did Taylor’s academic strengths have to do with anything?  “Well, if he didn’t do it, who did?”

Zac raised his hands in surrender.  “Hell if I know!  Remember, I just found out my brother’s a girl.”

I burst out laughing.  “That must really suck.”

“It must suck for you too.”

“Oh, it does, trust me,” I replied, chuckling.  “I have no idea why this is suddenly funny.  I mean, I have been agonizing over this for hours and there is no solution in sight and here I am, laughing my ass off!”

“Yeah, that’s really not natural.”

I finally stopped my laughing fit and cleared my throat.  “Excuse me, but can you leave?  I need to change.”

“Dude, you’re my brother, remember?”

“Um, okay, but can you at least turn around?”  I asked, politely.

“Well, yeah I wasn’t going to stare at you or anything,” he answered, turning his back to me.  I switched shirts and found a random pair of jeans balled up and put them on.  When Zac turned around he put his hands on his hips.  “Those are my jeans, Abby.”

I shot him a dirty look.

“That you’re more than welcome to wear for today,” he muttered, as I patted him playfully on the arm.  “But when Tay sees that he is going to flip out.  He would never wear my clothes.”

“Why the hell not?”  I asked, making a face.  “Your clothes are actually comfortable.  His are unbearably tight.  Like those leather pants!  I don’t know how I got them off last night!”

“So, do you, like, touch his naked body…”

“Do I have to dignify that with an answer?”  I retorted, throwing a dirty sock at him.  “That is so disgusting.  Look, we need to get the show on the road.  Taylor doesn’t know where I live so I’m hoping we can get to Brooke’s and get him there.  Then, he can switch us back and we all live happily ever after.  You in?”

Zac shrugged.  “I suppose.”

We got to the garage and I waited for Zac to pick out his car.  The family had five cars in their enormous garage, from a sporty mustang to a practical minivan.  Zac’s car, a blue jeep, was sitting on the furthest end.  We hopped in and I gave him directions to Brooke’s mansion.

“Um, I’m fifteen.  It’s illegal for me to drive,” Zac explained, as I sat down in the passenger seat.

“So what?”  I asked.  “Just drive.  No one will stop us.  Besides, I am in no condition to drive.  Do you see the vein ready to explode out of my skull?”  He nodded ruefully.  “That means I am not a happy camper.  So, drive.”  I paused.  “You aren’t even legal to drive yet you still have a car collecting dust in the garage?”

Zac simply shrugged.

The car ride there wasn’t horrendous, but it didn’t go bicker-free either.  We had one little tiff about the difference in radio station preferences.  I didn’t want to listen to the Eagles and he refused to listen to any station that had ever played anything by Celine Dion.  We ended up with Oldies.  Our second skirmish dealt with me singing to the Supremes.  Zac insisted he could never look at his brother with the same amount of respect if I continued.  Things went fine until I started singing to Dancing Queen.

“This is it!  Stop the car!”  I ordered, nearly jumping out of my seat.  Zac stomped on the breaks and gave me a dirty look.

“Thanks for the notice.”

“Stop whining and come with me!”  I insisted, unbuckling my seatbelt and dashing out of the car.  “Hurry up!”

“Okay, bossy!”

We rang the doorbell and waited anxiously.  A tall man in a white shirt and black pants opened the door and raised a suspicious eyebrow at the both of us.

“Can I help you?”  The butler asked, snottily.  Geez, even the butler was snobby?

“Yeah, can I please talk to Abby Deluca?”  I asked, politely.  “It’s an emergency.”

“Of course, please step inside gentlemen.”  The butler picked up a telephone by the door and dialed a number.  The Thompsons telephoned each other in their own house?  Does anyone else think that is a little bit too much?  I mean, if your house is too big to hear someone on the other side doesn’t that tell you that your house is too big period?

“The ladies will be down in a second.  Please make yourselves comfortable,” the butler offered, turning his nose up at us.  Zac rolled his eyes as soon as the older man had his back to us.  Within minutes, the girls came bounding down the stairs, Taylor first.

“Zac?”  Taylor asked.

Zac looked stupefied.  He stared at Taylor like he had two heads.  He swallowed hard, obviously finding this an extremely difficult pill to swallow.  He kept glancing form Taylor to me, then back to Taylor.  I felt a little sorry for him.

I felt way more sorry for ME.  I gasped as Taylor bounded down the stairs.  He made my face look like it was ten years older due to stress and my hair looked like a rat’s nest.  The girls in the background were whispering and giggling behind him.  I felt all my fury heat up as my eyes narrowed at him.  I hated Taylor Hanson.

“Taylor?”  Brooke asked, stepping forward.  She wrapped her robe tightly around herself.  “What are you and your brother doing here?”

I glared at Taylor, who was looking helplessly at Zac.  “I’m here to pick up Abby.  Didn’t she tell you I was coming?  She knew I would be here this morning for her.”

Taylor raised an eyebrow.  “Well, Taylor.  It’s so thoughtful of you to pick me up this morning!  What a great guy you are!”  He cleared his throat as I glared at him.  “Let me go get your, I mean, my stuff.  I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

“Hey there, Taylor,” Tiffany purred, stepping forward.  I unfortunately noticed that she “forgot” to close her robe.  Her bedclothes were just as skimpy as her party clothes.  I heard Zac mutter something incoherent as he checked her out.

“You look like hell,” Uma sneered, sticking her nose up in the air.  “What makes you think you can come back to this house without calling?  We were all trying to sleep and you rudely woke us up!”

“Sorry…” I muttered, shoving my hands in my pockets.  “But it was an emergency.  We didn’t mean to intrude.”

“It’s fine, really,” Brooke replied, shooting Uma a glare.  “Is everything all right?”

“It will be shortly,” I replied, wondering what in hell was taking Taylor so long.  All he had to do was grab a bag and get the hell out.  If he was stalling I would make his punishment even worse!

“So, this is your little brother?”  Brigitte asked, smiling flirtatiously.  “He’s cute.  How old are you?”

“He’s too young for you!”  I retorted, as Zac hit me in the arm.

“I’m fifteen,” he replied, smiling. 

Taylor finally returned to us, with my bags in hand.  I also noticed he wasn’t wearing my mother’s nightgown.  That was probably a good thing, because I think the sight of him in a dress would make me sick.  We made a quick, pleasant exit and rushed over to the jeep.

As soon as the door was shut behind us, I pushed Taylor as hard as I could. 

“Hey!”  He exclaimed.  “What the hell was that for?”

“For making my life a living hell!”  I screamed, before regaining composure.  “Zac, drive us home!”  I sat down in the front passenger seat and started fuming to myself.  Taylor, who had not yet gotten into the car, stared at the two of us puzzled.

“Zac can’t drive!  He’s underage!”

“Details, details,” I muttered, rolling down my window.  “Now get your ass in the car before I pick you up and put you there.”

Taylor threw his hands up in frustration and got into the car.  The car ride was eerily silent, mainly because I was saving my screaming for when we weren’t in a moving weapon with an inexperienced driver.  Ten minutes and two ran stop signs later, we were back at the Hanson household.

“You are so dead,” I hissed, pushing my way past Taylor and into the garage.  When we got into the boys’ room, I slammed the door and charged for him.  I easily tackled him since now I was about forty pounds heavier.

“Ow!  Get off of me!”  He whined, trying to slap me.  He yanked on my hair and then when I was off guard, punched me in the stomach.  I kicked his legs and he was soon whining underneath me.

“Um, you guys,” Zac began, scratching his head at the display before him.  “Instead of killing each other, how about we try to find a way to switch you guys?”

Taylor and I ceased our battle and glared at each other malevolently.  Oh, this kid would soon learn the meaning of pain.  However, becoming a girl once again was number one on my list of priorities.  Killing Taylor was only number two.

“The lad has a point,” I muttered, getting off of the perpetrator.  “Now turn me back into a girl!”

His mouth dropped.  “What are you talking about?  I had nothing to do with this!”

“See?  See?”  Zac exclaimed, smiling at me.  I rolled my eyes.

“You HAD to have something to do with this!”  I wailed, stomping my foot impatiently.  I didn’t have time for stupid, time-consuming games.  “I bumped into you at the party and suddenly I’m a guy!  If it wasn’t you then how could this have happened?”

“How do I know this wasn’t your doing?”  Taylor questioned, pointing a finger at me.  I narrowed my eyes at him.  “Maybe you’re gay and you can’t handle it so you wanted to become a guy!”  Was this guy for real?

“Um, she’s not gay,” Zac commented, looking down at the floor.

“How would you know?”  Taylor asked, fearfully.

“She kissed me.”

Taylor coughed loudly.  “You kissed MY brother with MY lips?  That is unbelievable!  What if I would have kissed Brooke?  Then what?  Then you would have gone all ape-shit on me!  But you do something as repulsive as this and it’s nothing?  I want to kill you with my bare hands!”

I rolled my eyes yet again.  “I had no choice.  He had to know I wasn’t you.”

“Did you try talking?!?”

“Of course I tried talking!”  I exclaimed, frustrated.  “But can we please get back to the issue at hand?  I wanna be a girl again!”

“Well, I wanna be a guy too!”  Taylor protested.  “It’s not just you suffering, toots.”

“Whoa, guys, just give it a rest,” Zac shouted, putting his hands in the air to silence us.  “Okay, now let’s think.  Neither one of you know how this happened.  So, there must be some sort of mystical thing going on.  Or, maybe someone’s playing a joke on the two of you?”

“Who would play a joke on us?”  I asked, impatiently.  I was feeling that tingly pee feeling once more.  I needed to get out of this body before I had to mummify my hands just to take a leak.

“I’ll bet it was Uma!”  Taylor exclaimed, angrily.  “She’s always hated me.”

“But she doesn’t hate me,” I informed.  “We get along decently.”

Taylor snorted.  “Not anymore.  I think I ruffled some of her Gucci feathers.”

My jaw dropped.  “What the hell are you trying to do to me?  Are you trying to make me an outcast?  I’m trying to impress these people Taylor and now you’re pissing away all my hard work!”  Speaking of pissing… I bit my lip and tried stamping my foot a little.  I needed movement as a form of distraction from the uncomfortable pressure in my bladder.

He simply rolled his eyes.  “Whatever.  You don’t need to worry about it because Brooke absolutely adores you, actually me, but who’s keeping track?”

“Poor, Brooke,” I moaned, running a hand through my messy hair.  “It’s a wonder she’s still standing.  It must have been hard to survive Hurricane Taylor.”

“Ooh, oh, ouch.  That one really hurt, Abby.”

“Guys, can you please stop fighting for two minutes…”

Taylor frowned at me.  “What in the hell are you doing, Abby?  You’re making me looking like some loser doing the chicken dance.  Do you have ants in my pants or something?”

I grimaced.  “No…ugh…it’s just that I have to go to the bathroom.”  Zac burst out laughing.  I can now see where his loyalties lie.

“So, do it and be done, will you?”  Taylor exclaimed, ushering me towards the door.  “You’re making me uncomfortable.” 

I shook my head.  “No, thank you.  I already did my time this morning.  I have no desire to go anywhere near your nether regions once again.  It was bad enough the first time!”

“You think that’s bad?”  Taylor questioned, getting up in my face.  “You think that’s bad!  You, missie, put me through hell!  You, sweetheart, decided to get your waterfall of a period last night!  I thought you were dying!”

Appalled, my hands flew to my face.  “Oh my God, tell me you’re joking!”

“Look at my face.  What does it tell you?”

“That is so disgusting!  I can’t believe you looked down there at me!  You are such a perverted sleazeball!”  I pushed him backwards.  “How dare you take advantage of this atrocious situation by looking at my crotch!  I am so disgusted by you, I could vomit.”

Taylor, whose hands were balled in tiny fists, growled slightly.  “You can just shut your cake hole because I think I got the shitty end of this stick!  I am a guy trapped in a girl’s body which, of course, decides to have its period.  So, I have had my very first experience putting in a woman’s tampon in a woman’s body.  I wanted to commit suicide before going near your rotting coochy!”

Zac just stared at his brother.  “Dude, tell me you didn’t…”

“You’re disgusting, runny blood was all over the damn place and I damn near fainted,” Taylor exclaimed, the vein in his temple throbbing.  Does it do that when I’m mad too?

“I can’t believe your scummy fingers touched me down there…” I wailed, miserably.

“I can’t believe your scummy vagina decided to bleed all over the place!”

“It is not scummy!”  I shouted, wanting nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs.  “This is so embarrassing!  I cannot believe how violated I was…” I paused.  “I suppose it wasn’t exactly fun in the sun for you either.”

“Try hell in a bathroom.”

“Well, what are we going to do about our situation?”  I asked, feeling a little sorry for erupting on him like that.  I suppose having a period would be a hellish event for a guy to deal with.  “It’s obvious you had nothing to do with it and I had nothing to do with it.  And, it doesn’t seem likely that someone would deliberately do this to the two of us.  I mean, we’re both new at Dayton, right?  No one really knows who we are yet.  But we’ll research it.  We can search the internet for curses or spells or even newspaper articles dealing with switching bodies.”

“I highly doubt the New York Times would have articles dealing with body switching,” Taylor commented, stubbornly.  I could tell he was still upset over the whole period ordeal so I let his comment slide without chastise. 

“He has a point,” Zac agreed, biting his thumb.  “We can look for articles in the Enquirer and the other tabloids.”

“Good idea,” I exclaimed, with a nod.  “We’ll begin immediately.  If we don’t find something tonight, we’ll have to keep pretending to be each other in school tomorrow.  I don’t know what else to do.”

“Maybe if you guys told people then everyone could help,” Zac suggested.  Taylor and I both gave him a skeptical glare.

“Zac, no one would believe us if we said we’d switched bodies,” Taylor explained, with a sigh.  “Mom and Dad would think I really went insane and you know they would.  Mom already thinks I’m halfway to the nuthouse.”  I arched an eyebrow.

“Can I tell Ike?”

“NO!”  Taylor and I shouted simultaneously.

“This is embarrassing enough,” Taylor began.  “Besides, you know Ike wouldn’t believe me.  He’d think you and I were trying to pull a pathetic, far-fetched joke just to see if he’d fall for it.  If he actually did believe us, which I almost know for a fact is impossible, I know he’d go straight to Mom and Dad.”  He paused and eyes Zac carefully.  “How come YOU believed Abby?”

“I knew something was up,” Zac answered, proudly.  “She wasn’t talking to us like you usually do.  And, she even ate bacon for breakfast!”  Taylor stuck out his tongue in disgust.  “But the final straw that broke the camel’s back was the fact that she was wearing my clothes.  You would sooner run around naked than wear something of mine.”

“I can see that she’s wearing your clothes,” Taylor muttered, distastefully.  “I was going to bring that up shortly.”

I groaned, ready to smack that kid upside the head.  “What does it matter if I wear Zac’s clothes?  They are comfortable and actually fit!  I don’t have to wear a corset to get into them, unlike some outfits you possess.  Besides, you’re wearing something that doesn’t belong to me and I’m not freaking out.  By the way, where is my nightgown?”

Taylor shrugged.  “I gave it to Brooke.”

“YOU WHAT?”

“Could you be any more selfish, Abby?”  He questioned, disapprovingly shaking his head.  “Brooke gave you that white outfit, which was much too tight…”

“Look who’s talking…” Zac muttered, under his breath.

“…And she let you stay in her house and she was more than compliant during my period fiasco.  I thought it was only fair to give her something nice.  Her eyes lit up when I said she could have it.  You should have seen her face.”

“No, you should see my mother’s face when I tell her that her nightgown is gone!”  I exclaimed, feeling tears sting down my eyes.  This had to be a joke.  “My father gave that nightgown to her!  It meant everything to her and I was pushing the envelope by borrowing it at all!  I can’t not bring it back to her!”

“Oh, I am so sorry,” Taylor began, biting his bottom lip nervously.  “Wow, I had no idea!  I can’t get it back from her now!  She’ll think I’m some sort of Indian giver…”

“Taylor, that’s a terrible saying,” Zac scolded.  We both just glared at him.  Our tempers weren’t on the politically correct mindset at the moment. 

“You need to get it back,” I insisted, choking down my emotion.  “I don’t care how you do it, but please just give it back to my Mom.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” he muttered, sadly.  “I feel so bad about that.”

I narrowed my eyes at the vermin scum.  “Good.  Now, let’s get to work so I can get back to my body!”