I'm cute enough, and I'm good enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!	Keyser "Autumn Twilight" Soze released on bail on ten counts of fraud	Well, not the shots that I would use to promo.. WAIT! IS THAT MEATLOAF!?!? I thought he was in the freezer!

Let's move on to the characters themselves. Again I felt that by and large they were done well. Flint is convincingly crabby. Tasslehoff is every bit as annoying as he should be. Caramon is a food and boob obsessed retard and Raistlin is sneering, snapping jackass. Tanis is another story. Perhaps it's been too long since I've read the book, but I just don't recall Tanis being such a whiny emo boy. Certainly his character was conflicted and deservedly so, but his characterization in the movie seems a bit too over the top. I kept waiting for him to go off in the woods to cut himself while singing moody songs about how painful life is. Also, I don't recall Fizban being such a self important egoist. The way he touts Paladine as being the greatest thing since sliced bread at every possible chance makes the whole Fizban thing seem less like a clever disguise used to help lead the heroes on a path of righteousness from behind the scenes and more like a celestial PR stunt. In fact, Fizban gets so overbearing towards the end that it was almost a relief to see him "die". When Tanis falters, Fizban moves in and proceeds to yell at him. I nearly expected him to shout something along the lines of "Believe in me right now and stand up and be a leader, you spineless witless skank of a half-elf, or I'll rip the tips of your half breed ears off and feed them to you with my fists!!" Don't get me wrong. I wanted to lay a slapdown on ol' Tanis Half-Decided myself, I just didn't really think Fuzbat should be the one doing it. Wait.. Foobar... Flingnut.. Whatever.

As far as the design of the characters goes, once more we're presented with a mixed bag. I loved the design of Sturm's armor, from his etched on shin guards to his pointed little nazi helmet, for example. However, there were some misses as well. I realize that elves are meant to be slender, but a lot of them looked more along the lines of being emaciated. Honestly, if the Qualinesti soldiers are a representation of your typical elf, then we need to start importing Beefcake 9000 weight gainer supplement to the forests but quick ! As has been discussed in other reviews, The Forestmaster is also problematic, the unicorn being seemingly wrapped in... some green thing... Could be vines, could be the world's worst varicose veins. In any case, it really makes the poor thing look silly rather than majestic. See? That's what happens when you misuse steroids. There's no way the judges are gonna let Forestmaster keep that gold medal in the hundred yard dash now.

Weeeeery eenterestink. BUT SHTOOPIT!	Please, Sir. Can I have some more?	First a face full of Alien wing-wang and then I wake up looking like this.

Again, it isn't all bad. In fact I felt the designs were mostly good. Bupu was perfect. I loved her expressions. Flint was almost exactly how I pictured him, the grubby midget. While I found Goldmoon to be a bit lacking (What is that you're wearing, girlfriend? Lord, no!), I felt that Riverwind's design was both perfectly wanderer and perfectly plainsmen. Tasslehoff was well designed from topknot to boot, but the token kender hoopak? Missing the telltale "Y" at the top for all but one scene. Le sigh . I really took issue with the transformed versions of the dragons. First of all, when they animorph into people, they go from 3D to 2D. Well, Draconians are humanoids and are in 3D, so why aren't the dragon's human forms in 3D too? Or for that matter, why aren't the goblins?
Onyx's human form is a trip and a half. A quasi naked succubus wannabe, Onyx gives off the whole easy goth chick vibe. Attention Dragonmart shoppers, here's a public service announcement: If you want to successfully disguise yourself as a human, don't leave giant demon bat wings on your back. Her introduction scene also boasted what I personally consider to be the worst animated moment in the movie. While she's giving Verminaard her best seductive "My-big-sister-Morrigan-gets-all-the-good-ones-so-I'll-settle-for-you" look, a lock of her gothy-anime hair comes loose and sways in front of her face. Not that bad an idea, but the offending bit of hair sways in front of her face with all the subtlety and grace of a rusty hinge. I expected it to creak. To be completely fair, this whole scene probably had every sex starved teenage AV club guy frantically mopping up his drool before it could seep into the figures he bought at his local anime convention, but color me perplexed- I completely forgot that Onyx and Verminaard had a thing. The way he fondles her cheek? Man . Verminaard, Gilthanas, Huma.. Apparently, dragons not only have the ability to char, melt, freeze, gas, and fry you to death. They also have the super secret hidden ability to knock their partner's pants clean off. Makes me wonder what really happened with Flint and Tasslehoff and Khirsah. Ah well. What happens in Palanthas stays in Palanthas. Pyros also has an odd choice in human form. I don't necessarily have an issue with dragons taking on the personages of extras from post apocalyptic sci-fi movies, it just struck me as strange.

Aside from the missing parts of the story, the plotline actually manages to chug along relatively unmauled. Fans of Autumn Twilight's funnier moments and Flint-Tasslehoff dialogues like myself may be a bit disappointed, as almost none of the fluff made it in, but they're a necessary omission in order to allow the movie to tell the tale in much broader strokes. Let's face it, the broad strokes mentality is the only possible way the book could conceivably be condensed into a single film. Yes, it sucks to know what's missing, but like the Sopranos, sometimes stuff has to "be taken care of" in order to keep business going smoothly. Largely, though, the important characters are kept intact and the important events, though sometimes changed in odd ways (as seems to be the case in any book to movie adaptation), are well represented.

Don't worry. I'm clean now. I took my meds.	Who owns Barter Town!!!!	i can has ratburger?

Finally, I'd like to talk about the music. As you have likely heard in other reviews, the music is phenomenal. In fact, I hesitate to say that because phenomenal doesn't really seem to do it justice. I simply can't find a real word that sums it up better. Kenderiffic? In all honesty, though, Preusser really put heart and soul into this soundtrack, and it shows. Well, it sounds. Damnit, you know what I mean! Each score sets the mood succinctly, and does an excellent job of drawing you in and getting you caught up in the moment. The best part though? The vocals, sung in elven. Since I have absolutely no idea what in sweet sweet purgatory any of it means, I feel free to just make crap up. The music is so striking and beautiful, the more idiotic and pointless the "words" you come up with, the funnier it all is. Hmmm hmm hmm, Raistlin is a woooooman. La la la laaa, and Soth is a potted plaaaaaaaant. One thing is for certain, fifty years from now, if the movie is somehow forgotten (and given the controversy it's stirring up and the pigheaded tenacity of the DL fandom, it's not gonna be), people will still be listening to this music and thinking to themselves "Man, someone should put this in a movie!".

So there you have it. The Dragonlance Movie is flawed, just like everything else in the world. Does that make it unwatchable or unenjoyable? How the hell would I know? I can't crawl into your head like some Stephen King novel or that Malkovich movie. I can say this, however. The novel, Dragons of Autumn Twilight and indeed all of Chronicles, is largely flawed itself. Weis and Hickman have both talked about the various mistakes made in writing them. Yet it remains near and dear to us despite the flaws, and perhaps even because of them. Is there a reason we can't afford the movie the same leeway? Sure, as you've seen me do here, it's easy to slap the movie around like a helpless foster child, and that's great for a laugh. Nothing is perfect, and it can be fun pointing that out, but obsessing over it is unhealthy like the single guy who hangs around the women's lingerie section of a department store. In my opinion, the movie was great fun. It may not be the ultimate fantasy movie of all time or make it on everyone's top ten list, but I enjoyed it for what it was. If I could do it all over, I'd spend the money again. Whether or not you choose to see this as an endorsement or come to the conclusion that I obviously just have way too much money, is a decision I'll leave to you. But if Paramount were to do a special edition or collectors edition with commentaries and extras, I'd buy it again. If they make Dragons of Winter Night, I'll buy that too. But that's because I don't take it, or myself, too seriously.

In closing, I want to say thank you to everyone involved. Those who made the movie for me to have fun with and to mock. Those who were willing to take the time out of their busy schedules trolling the boards and highways ad byways of the intarwebs in order to read this god awful hullaballoo. And of course, thank you to those who are willing to talk about it. To tell me how amused they were or how badly I suck. I feed off of your involvement, dissent, and praise like a gluttonous tick. Papa's hungry!