Glenn's Guilty Pleasures

OK,it's the one year anniversary of our podcast, so as a "special treat" I'm reviewing the must-be-seen-to-be-believed ROBO VAMPIRE! I did some research and IMDB claims this movie was made in 1988 in USA and Hong Kong. Lets take a techincal approach first: The movie must have been shot widescreen and the transfer is not exactly "Pan and Scan". The camera must have been set up in the middle of the picture...often we are looking at a wall while the actors faces are off screen, this is actually an improvement in most cases. Even the first letter of the director's name is cut off in the opening credits! There are many scratches on the film and the sound frequently drops to a whisper. But none of that will save you from the horror that is Robo Vampire!

Anyone able to pay any attention will notice that two movies have been edited together to make this stupid movie. One a "serious" movie about drug smuggling and abduction, the other a silly movie about Chinese hopping vampires. That right, I said "hopping"...they hop. Seriously. The thin plot thread linking the two storylines is the drug smugglers have hired a man to control the vampires to help protect their drugs from the anti-drug agents. Oh, and a solder is killed and brought back to life with a drill and a sparkler. Really. He's Robo Warrior, in an ill fitting suit that looks like it was made out of old oven mits. Ah, this soft sculpture version of RoboCop must really strike fear into his enemies with his helmet askew firing where he's not looking. Not to mention the guns have cardboard tubes attached to the ends packed with firecrackers. In case you missed that detail, they do a nice close up shot of the barrel of one of the guns for you.

So, the props and costuming are incredibly bad. But the special effects are worse somehow. For the scenes where they are making Robo Warrior, they use a stiff silver mannequine body...and to repair him, they adjust dials on large pieces of stereo size hardware inside him. Oh, and they use a welder on an edge of him...but there is nothing to weld it to. ...and the vampires, well, I did mention they hop...but they also smoke cigarettes and shoot fireworks from their long sleeves. Now, the main vampire isn't ordinary...he's a Vampire Beast! What does a vampire beast look like? Obviously like a cheap gorilla mask! A subplot involves a ghost appearing that was to be wed to the vampire beast, and she wants to consumate their relationship. A hightlight of the film is her sheer robe...which is suddenly not sheer when she does stunts and flys through the air (obviously a man doing her stunts).

Even with so much bad crammed into 90 minutes...the hightlight has to be the bad dialogue and wooden acting. Ok, the silly hats of the drug smugglers and a guy that looks like Father Guido from SNL is kinda funny too. But come on, hitting on a girl that's swimming naked by telling her she should bathe more often? That's classic. My favorite bit of dialogue has to be when they ask permission to make the Robo Warrior:

Soldier #1: Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I'd appreciate you approving my application.
Soldier #2: You're assured of success?
Soldier #1: Yes.
Soldier #2: Okay, it's approved.

It's obvous a lot of thought and passion went into this production...yeah, right. As always...watch it at your own risk! Check out some clips on YouTube!

"Robo Vampire" is now available as a double feature with "Devil's Dynamite" (from the same director) referred to as it's sequel. Funny since "Devil's Dynamite" was made in 1987 and "Robo Vampire" was made in 1988. When I bought my copy it said "Martial Arts" in large gold letters down the side. Now it's packaged as part of an "Eastern Horror" series of DVDs. Personally I don't believe a true martial arts or horror fan would be satisfied with this film. But, it's fun to laugh at.	OK,it's the one year anniversary of our podcast, so as a "special treat" I'm reviewing the must-be-seen-to-be-believed ROBO VAMPIRE! I did some research and IMDB claims this movie was made in 1988 in USA and Hong Kong. Lets take a techincal approach first: The movie must have been shot widescreen and the transfer is not exactly "Pan and Scan". The camera must have been set up in the middle of the picture...often we are looking at a wall while the actors faces are off screen, this is actually an improvement in most cases. Even the first letter of the director's name is cut off in the opening credits! There are many scratches on the film and the sound frequently drops to a whisper. But none of that will save you from the horror that is Robo Vampire! Anyone able to pay any attention will notice that two movies have been edited together to make this stupid movie. One a "serious" movie about drug smuggling and abduction, the other a silly movie about Chinese hopping vampires. That right, I said "hopping"...they hop. Seriously. The thin plot thread linking the two storylines is the drug smugglers have hired a man to control the vampires to help protect their drugs from the anti-drug agents. Oh, and a solder is killed and brought back to life with a drill and a sparkler. Really. He's Robo Warrior, in an ill fitting suit that looks like it was made out of old oven mits. Ah, this soft sculpture version of RoboCop must really strike fear into his enemies with his helmet askew firing where he's not looking. Not to mention the guns have cardboard tubes attached to the ends packed with firecrackers. In case you missed that detail, they do a nice close up shot of the barrel of one of the guns for you. So, the props and costuming are incredibly bad. But the special effects are worse somehow. For the scenes where they are making Robo Warrior, they use a stiff silver mannequine body...and to repair him, they adjust dials on large pieces of stereo size hardware inside him. Oh, and they use a welder on an edge of him...but there is nothing to weld it to. ...and the vampires, well, I did mention they hop...but they also smoke cigarettes and shoot fireworks from their long sleeves. Now, the main vampire isn't ordinary...he's a Vampire Beast! What does a vampire beast look like? Obviously like a cheap gorilla mask! A subplot involves a ghost appearing that was to be wed to the vampire beast, and she wants to consumate their relationship. A hightlight of the film is her sheer robe...which is suddenly not sheer when she does stunts and flys through the air (obviously a man doing her stunts). Even with so much bad crammed into 90 minutes...the hightlight has to be the bad dialogue and wooden acting. Ok, the silly hats of the drug smugglers and a guy that looks like Father Guido from SNL is kinda funny too. But come on, hitting on a girl that's swimming naked by telling her she should bathe more often? That's classic. My favorite bit of dialogue has to be when they ask permission to make the Robo Warrior: Soldier #1: Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I'd appreciate you approving my application. Soldier #2: You're assured of success? Soldier #1: Yes. Soldier #2: Okay, it's approved. It's obvous a lot of thought and passion went into this production...yeah, right. As always...watch it at your own risk! Check out some clips on YouTube!
TITLE	Robo Vampire (There is no Robo Vampire...but there is a robot and there are vampires)
CATAGORY	Eastern Horror/Martial Arts (You want the truth? It's unclassifiable)
RELEASE INFO	1988 Unrated (You couldn't pay the ratings review board enough to watch this)
ORIGIN	USA/Hong Kong (So IMDB says, questionable if you ask me)
CHEESE FACTOR	Five Cheese!
SEX	5
VIOLENCE	5
COSTUMES	5
STORY	5
STARS	5
SFX	5
ACTING	5
WTF	20
ROBO-VAMPIRE RATING:	100/100 ...well, it is Robo Vampire...