alexandr, my darling, i hope this letter finds you well and happy in your new home. it has been far too long since we have written or telephoned each other. i am planning a visit with you soon. please let me know when would be a good time.

the other reason i am writing to you now is, i have a question for you to answer if you can... if you will. you see, i have had the most extraordinary thing happen to me recently, and i just can not figure out why... why i should be so incredibly fortunate to have the most beautiful woman in the universe walk into my life and turn it completely upside down. my heart sings with a joy for the whole world to hear. my soul breathes in a new happiness i have never known before. but i have doubts, fears... anxieties. 

my question, well actually there are two, i need answered: one, when you look at me with your natural eyes what do you see? and two, when you look at me with your "real" eyes what do you see?

i know these questions may seem deceptively simple. however, i have a very good reason for asking them of you, my wise and dearest friend. i know you will be honest with me and answer them truthfully even if the answers are painful for me to hear. 

you were there when people cut my heart out with their careless words. you were there when the children laughed and pointed their fingers at me and whispered and giggled their jokes about me to each other behind my back. you heard the people in the restaurants buzz and question why was i eating there, why was i eating at all. you heard all the jokes, all the mean-spirited and unkind words strangers muttered under their collective breath when i entered a room. you once told me these things hurt you, too, deep into your heart. you once told me that you felt the heavy sadness i carry in my heart because of these things.

you must know why i need to hear your answers to my questions: because i can not understand why this new woman in my life would want to be with me. certainly, she must see the same things you see when she looks at me. she must hear the same voice you have listened to for thirty years. she must feel the same body you have known. and yet you both love me. this i want so very much to believe with all my heart and soul, to know with my very essence... to never question again.

my dearest alexandr, i await your reply. may god bless and keep you always in her watchful eye and protective arms. may she wrap you up in her tender mercies and give you peace.

(signed simply) with all my love always, taylor

I am excited to hear your grand news, both that you are coming for a visit soon and that there is a new woman in your life. How terribly wonderful! How marvelous!! I am happy for you. Any time you can get away is fine with me. Come, come as you are. And bring this woman with you. I want to meet her. And I want to know absolutely everything about her. Do not leave out a single detail. 

Taylor, why do you have to question everything? Why is it always so hard for you just to accept things as they are? Why always so many doubts, so many fears, so many anxieties? Can you not just accept this woman, love her, be with her, trust her? If this woman is of any character and merit (and she must be or you would have nothing to do with her), then she wants you because of who you are, not for what you may appear to be.

There are no simple answers to your questions. And before I answer them, I want you to know that I have never looked at you with a camera's eye. So if you are expecting a detailed description of yourself (height, weight, color of eyes and hair), then go look into a mirror and do not bother me again with your silliness. Much more importantly to me, your questions are but one and I shall answer it. You once told me this: If you are not prepared to hear the answer, do not ask the question.

What do I see when I look at you? I see a bright shining star, a woman of great intellect. A woman who sacrificed much to give me everything I ever wanted and she thought it good for me. I see a woman who is charming when she wants to be, witty because she can not help it, and wise beyond all others. I see a woman of many talents. I see a woman who is music, who can write up a storm, who loves me when no one else does. I see a woman who forgives me all my faults. I see an attractively handsome woman, the woman you were before I knew you. I see beyond and beneath the rolly-polly woman you see in the mirror. I see your soul smile. I hear it laugh. I feel it embrace me with your love. 

It is true that I have known you for thirty years, but I am just now beginning to appreciate you. And if this new woman is worth her salt, she is enjoying every minute of getting to know you, too. If this new woman is as good as you say she is, then she sees what I see when she looks at you. She sees the solid, warm, creative, trustworthy, funny, giving and generous woman you are. She wants to be with you, my sweet woman, because of who you are and she does not give a fig about what you look like on the outside.

What others see on the outside is not a proper or fit measure of who you are. It pains me greatly when I hear the cruel things people say about you when they think I can not hear them. People say mean and hateful things and I want to scream at them, "That's not who she is! Can't you see? Are you blind as well as stupid?" So if you were expecting me to say, "I see a short, fat, old, grey haired, ugly blimp," then I am sorry to disappoint you yet again in this life, because what I see when i look at you is my Mother.

May God bestow Her richest blessings upon your head, and give you peace.

(signed simply) Your loving daughter, Alexandr

my darling daughter -

you do me proud.

(signed simply) mother 

copyright © 1996 kimberly

Saturday, 09 March 2002 11:31:39 AM -0600