My Journal

Ok, it is here that I have decided to place a journal. This really is not for anyone but myself, so do not expect anything exciting. The main reason for putting it up here is just because I can access this myself if I want. Thus it is not high tech or anything. Of course this could be because I suck at html and even though I am using Microsoft FrontPage, I still do not know what I am doing half the time. So without further explanation, here I begin.

May 30, 2005 3:44 pm

Well I am sitting here at work yet again doing another entry in my journal. God I really hate these damn six days work week. I do not understand why it is so freckin hard fpr Mark to schedule me for five days. It is not like I am getting anymore hours, just instead of working eight hour days he has me coming in for five and even one four hour shift! It is rediculous. Two days off for me make the week so much more bearable and I am able to get more done. Instead I come into work and it just sort of sucks the life out of me. It would not be so bad but there is some cleaning I need to do at home and I still have laundry to get done. I mean I am almost completely out of socks now! The only times I get two days off is when I request them it seems like and of course that is when I have plans. Oh well I will get everything done before Saturday that I need to get done. That much I am sure about.

Yesterday finished up to be a good day. First off I got home and hooked up my high definition cable for the X-Box and damn it looks beautiful. I cannot beleive how much better it looks, and this is someone that was amazed when I saw the high definition on television. I do not think you are ever fully prepared for how good it looks when you are used to it not being in high definition. In celebration of it, in the one hockey game I got to play on it I scored an all time high by the score of 23-4 and Forsburg score seven goals! That is ok I guess:) I am now 13-0 in this season. Not a bad start at all.

After that I ran the second game of Melderon III and it came out pretty good. I was hoping for more players this game, but it was still just Paul, Dan, and Castor. That is fine, but I really want to know what everyone is playing so that I would know what to plan for. In a way it is sort of like planning in the dark. Still though the basic premise of the game is planned out and soon the real plot will begin.

Last nights game was the parties reintroduction to Amador. Amador has went from a rundown city that used to be lawless to a city that has grown several times over.

Ok have a customer will finish this later.

May 29, 2005 4:00 pm

Ok, I am standing here at work standing behind the counter completely bored out of my mine. We have been slow, I mean really slow. I knew it would not be that busy, but damn, I thought more then this. I guess this is the penalty for living in Indiana is that everything goes to a crawl on race day of the Indy 500. I may not mind that if I liked racing, but damn it is boring. It is driver driving in circles! Now if they had to take a shot at every lap or it was blind people, or better yet both mixed together, now that would be interesting!

Now that I complained that I was bored, I just turned around and sold a phone. I swear that is always the way of it. It is fates way of saying quit your bitching. Of course if that is what fate wants to say everytime I bitch about being bored, I need to do it more often. Of course the phone was not much, just a PCS upgrade, so it was only a ten dollar Spiff, but hell that is ten dollars for doing eight minutes of work. I can live with that. I just wish I would sell something with my phones. We started out a contest Thursday to sell phones and possibly get free stuff. The only thing about that is required is to sell two accessories with the phone to get an entry. Something I have been doing regularly. Now of course since the contest has begun, I am 0-11 on doing that. Oh well, I am making money and in the end THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

Today I also ran by Best Buy and picked up the high definition cable for the X-Box. I saw it there for $17.99 and could not pass that up. I have an extra optical cable at home so now I can be playing hockey in High Definition. I cannot wait to see that. I also want to see Knights of the Old Republic II in high definition. Both of those games are made for the higher resolution. It should be sweet. Of course since I am going to be running DnD tonight I will not get much of a chance to play with it, but hell I can get one period in:)

May 29 2005 10:40 am

It is almost eleven and I am up and moving around. I have to be at work for the day today. Luckily today is Sunday and that means short day. It will only be a six hour day. Coming off yesterday is a good start to the week. I did like sixteen hundred in sales yesterday. Not a whole lot in Spiffs, but sixteen hundred. It also looks like the next paycheck should be pretty good. I should have enough to pay my paycheck and utility bill. Plus some for the party for Brad.

I also accomplised the completion of my DnD game for tonight yesterday. It should be an ok game. It will be good when I know exactly what the characters will be playing. I can then develop the stories more about them. Plus when Brad and Lehmann start playing, I can begin the real plot. It should be pretty good.

Well I am going to get ready for work.

May 28, 2005 1:40am

Work today was interesting. It was an all day shift. I was not looking forward to it, but it ended up not being bad. It seemed to drag most of the day but the evening made up for it with selling six phones including five to one customer. Also closing with Scott and Dickie is the best way to end the day. When it is Jackie, I know I am on the floor by myself most of the night and with Mark he decides as the last thing to get things done when we are ready to get out.

I then came home and played some more hockey. I am now 11-0 for the first season of the dynasty mood. I only have seventy-one more games til the end of the season and I wonder if my hands will hold up:) So far my best score is 18-4 against Calgary. I thought I was about to lose my first game against the New York Rangers, but I pulled it out in the last couple of minutes to win 11-9. Scoring should be like in this game, then hockey would be so damn popular.

I also got the DnD game done for Sunday. It weird to be running games again but nice. It should be a decent game. Nothing really major but a good little adventure and mroe introductions to the party. Of course the game really will not take off until Brad gets back, but as long as I got 3-4 players I will run. The characters so far are entertaining. The party mix is wierd A paladin of the goddess of storms and thunder, a centaur that see human culture as so alien, and a Druid/mage. Scott I think is going to play a thief and that should be interesting. Add brad's Archean priestess (Goddess of women) and her slave that Aaron plans to play, that will be interesting.

May 27, 2005 1:24am

Ok I need to update this so here it goes. First off Wensday was a pretty good day. I got to go to the track and walk around. It was all thanks to Sprint PCS, which is awesome. I got to meet the driver Tomas Scheckter, I had never really heard of him before meeting him, but what a surprise there. It is not like I ever follow racing. In fact I cannot even watch it, which of course was the irony of me winning this contest. He was fascinating to hear and easy to get along. He was a driver that was from South Africa and was originally in Formula One before switching to Indy cars. It was facinating looking at the car and him telling how the little changes change how the car react. Sprint at least chose well for the driver.

It as was a fairly good trip although I stupiedly left my wallet at home so Mark had to cover me for lunch but he was cool about that. We walked around the track until around five so I got a lot of exercise just doing that. We also got a number of free stuff and free things are always cool.

When I got home again it was off to play another game of hockey. This addiction needs to go away because my left thumb is really hurting. I am not used to that. After playing a game I took a short jog to get what I consider the real exercise of the day. It was not too bad. My lungs hurt like hell after it but no asthma attack and that equals victory.

When I got back I started to watch "The Right Stuff." That was one of my movies that I had not gotten around to watching yet and I was fairly impressed with it. Of course part of my impression is because I do have an interest in the space race and space exploration. Ever since I had class on it, that fascination has really grown. The pride that America and the world had for those astronauts really is something we cannot properly comprehend. There was a strong sense of pride with that and in a way he made Americans feel invincible that they could face all challenges. Anyway the movie was good I am glad I finally got to see it. It is not as good as Apollo 13, but that was a hell of a movie.

Today I had a good sales day, which is something that I did need. Now if tomorrow can be, then this paycheck will be good. Besides with it being an open to close day it better be. There is nothing worse then a dead day that is open to close. I felt tired today though. I even went to bed early last night but I woke up in the middle of the night. I am not sure why I am not sleeping well, but who knows. I do not get to sleep in until Sunday when I do not have to be into work until noon. Blessed short day:)

After I came home and played another game of hockey. Ok, so I am playing a lot of Hockey, I am not sure why it is so addicting, maybe there is mind controlling subliminal images interlaced into the game. Then once again I took my daily walk. Soon I think I am going to start swimming in the pool, but I would prefer it to be a few degrees warmer to start that. Then I came back and played yet another game of hockey. Finally I finished watching the second half of the The Right Stuff and played yet a third game of hockey...but no more tonight!

May 25, 2005 1:32 am

Ok another day is gone, and sales sucked today. Of course it was a short day so I was not expecting a great sales day, but a little better would have been nicer. I think though I would have had a decent day at work if Mark had not pissed me off. He did not cause me to have less sales and the fact that there just were not many customers was the fact at no money, but I think I would have been able to enjoy the day.

What happened was this. Mark came in at one which was the time he was scheduled. About an hour after he was there, I had a customer asking for a big remote. It was for their daughter. Well we used to have one in the store that was huge, but thankfully they got it out of the stores and never replenished us because they never sold. Well after showing the customers the remote controls I got the new one we just got, that was like a fifty dollar remote control. It really was a pretty cool one. It had all the functions they wanted and it was pretty big. Then Mark is yelling over from the counter that we can order the other one and basically sucks the customers away from me. He told them it takes like three days to ship to the customer which is bullshit, it is five to ten business days. Plus it was big but it did not cover all the things they wanted it too. I think Mark was under the assumption it was for an old person, but it was a graduation gift to their daughter. Well Mark sold them the remote control and yes he did ring it up under my number but if there is one thing I cannot stand is another salesperson interfering with another. There are those that I can bounce off with and we make a good team, but today was not one of them. Ultimately they will get the remote control late and it will not cover all the features they want. In the end it will be returned and I could have sold something today that I was confident would stay out.

Other then that I really have not done a whole lot today. I have played a couple more games in dynasty mode. I am truely addicted to that game. It is a fun game and it is something that I can do by myself but not think about it by myself. That is a good thing. Although my hands hurt like hell right now. I really need to take a break from playing it. I have never played so much on my game system in such a short time, except maybe the first time I got Halo and then I do not think I have played as much. These 20 minute period games are what really kills me, but at least I can pause the game and walk away. I now never tend to turn my X-Box off.

Besides NHL Hockey I took two walks today. One was a rather long one in the afternoon and then tonight I did a rather short jog too Marsh and carried back a case of Mountain Dew back. I tell you what a case of pop is really heavy after jogging:) It is good though. I am thinking that once I get fully on even keel which should happen inside of eight weeks if not sooner, that I would invest in a subscription to a gym to get even better exercise. That though is in the future. Til thing I will keep my walk/jogs up and going everyday.

May 24, 2005 12:55 am

Well I thought that my computer problems were over but it appears that they are not. When I got home I realized my computer was doing the same problem again. It is really frustrating. I thought for sure it was the hard drive. Now though we know that it is not. So it is either the motherboard (which is what I really think it is), the video card, or the power supply. So we are back to square one with the figuring out what is wrong. Now I guess I have a 120 gigs more of hard drive space.

So I have put out an e-mail to all my computer friends for their suggestion. I was surprised when Richard called me tonight about it. I did not expect someone to get back with me so quickly. He gave me some ideas to try about taking of the easier parts out and replacing them with others to try to find the problem. Like he described it, it is like solving a murder mystery:) He offered to loan me some computer parts for the endeavor, so I think that is going to be the plan.

Other then that I guess I cannot complain. I am not really upset, but just frustrated, but that is life. Eventually I will get the desktop up and running and realize how nice it is to have a working computer.

May 23, 2005 7:05 pm

Ok, I am bored at work, but it is not a bad day really. First off I woke up today to knocking at my door just after nine today. I had not gotten up yet but I would have been up shortly anyone. That is another thing that I have changed over the last couple of weeks is that I get up earlier, although not necessarily sleep earlier, but thank god for naps. Anyone the person at the door was maintence. They had finally came to fix my tub fosset that has been dripping for months. Actually they came pretty quick since I did not report ut until Friday.

After he had left I played a game of hockey (Yes I started Dynasty mode and being a glutton for punishment I set the periods to twenty minutes each. I then watch the two episodes of Judging Amy that was on TNT. After that with it being a nice day and not having to be into work for another couple of hours I went for a walk/jog. I am not getting as much time jogging as I did last Thursday, but slowly my lungs feel like they are taking it better. Sure they burn and hurt at the end, but I am still breathing.

The one thing that is funny that happened today is that Mark called me while I was at home. It appears that I won a contest over the weekend, one that I did not even know was going on. Basically when you sold a new Sprint phone you faxed the ticket it and you won a lunch and a tour of the Indy 500 pits and that. Mark had faxed them in and we both won it. So Wednesday instead of sitting here working I get to ride up to Indy with Mark and get free food and a tour of the facilities. Even though I do not care for racing and I had just told Kenny a few days ago of my views on it (Kenny was excited about going to the 500 Hundred and I got the enjoyment of the Irony of I winning this contest). Another aspect that is cool is I guess we get to meet the guy that is on the pole for the race. So that should be fun.

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday that I wanted to mention is that it looks like I have my desktop working again. I pulled out my hard drive that was going bad and replaced it with a new maxtor 120 gigabyte one. It had pretty high reviews. One thing I was impressed with was how quiet it was. So hopefully this works. It was not to bad to get set up either. I only had one hiccup trying to get XP set up on it at the beginning, but once I worked myself through that, I was all gold.

May 23, 2005 1:22 am

Ok today was my one day off and I finally finished my Hockey season. Starting out this morning I was up against the Edmonton Oilers. It was the second round. I won the first two games, and lost the third one to make the series 2-1. I then won the next two to finish the series. That put me up against the Dallas Stars for the Conference finals.

The Dallas Stars had been my nemesis all season. I know that they had beat me twice in the season and the two victories I had were by one goal. It did not help either that my hands were hurting from all the playing of games. Still though I persisted. I wanted to finish it today. The first game I started off strong and was ahead like by three goals. Then in the third period they caught back up and tied it. Overtime ended in the first time I was down in the series and the first time I had lost an overtime game. I was really worried at this point.

The second game began and this time I came out strong. It looked like I would crust them. Through the first two periods the game was mine, then the third started again. Everything just fell apart. They started to score and I could not score. My lead that was like four or five goals fell away one goal at a time. In my frustration I began to cuss at this damnable game. I was beginning to think that the Conference finals were going to be the last level I made. As the third came to a close they tied it up again and it was back to overtime. I was frustrated and felt desperate but within two minutes of overtime I scored and pulled the game back out.

I was still frustrated. Up to this point I really have not had that much problems with a team. I took a break and walked to the grocery store. I figured that I needed to get some air to alleive all the stress of the games:) I came back and resolved to play. The next game was once again a close one. I lead by three going into the final period and then once again they struck back. Thankfully I held on and scored two points in the final minutes to secure the game. As the fourth game started I got a quick goals and from that point I dominated that game. The score was 11-2. Finally I finished them up with one final dominating game to win the series. They made one last run in the dreaded third period but I was too strong to let them come back.

Then we came to the final series against the Boston Bruins for the stanley cup. Surprisingly since it was the last series it was the only one I swept. The irony was I was the first seed in the west, and the Bruins were the eighth seed in the east. The last game was exciting as they tied it up with like two minutes to the end of the game. Then at fifty seven seconds left I came up and scored to take the lead. Boston pulled their goalie to try to put another attacker to tie the game up, but I managed to steal the puck and go down and score on the empty net. Thus after a 101 games, I won the Stanley Cup! I feel accomplished:)

Other then that I have not done a ton today. I walked to the grocery store twice today and did another walk this evening. The day was really nice and the exercise was good. I did a little bit of cleaning and cooked up some proper chili and not Brad's burn a hole into steel chili.

One thing I did manage to do last night before I went to bed is finally update my DVD list on my laptop. I had been bad since before Christmas putting them in. So I finally did it. The total number is 819. I also pondered about what the best movies I have in my collection. People are always asking me what my favorite movie is and I am never able to really answer it. So as I got the list updated I began to think of what my top ten list would be. Now I guess depending on mood this might change a little but here it is.

1. Titanic. I have never made a secret that I loved this movie, but it is not the reason why most people do. The love story is really only so-so and while I will admit the Leonardo DiCaprio is gorgious, that does not make a great movie, otherwise Total Eclipse would be the best movie, that has a full frontal of him:) No I think what was done with it was magnificant. I have always had an obsession with Titanic and Cameron did an awesome job of really showing what the Titanic was. It was the largest most glamerous ship of it's time. There has never been or never be again a ship like her. They went as far as building a set that was 9/10th the size of the Titanic. He does not sugar coat the disaster either. Other movies do not deal with the survivors that floated in the debris field only to freeze to death. Plus how they did all the film work and introduced those that did not know the story of the Titanic how it all went down by computer simulation so there can be focus on other things is just a great method.

2. Mr. Hollands Opus. This is one that I also have never made a secret that I loved. It is a dramatic movie that tells the story of a music teacher went into teaching to earn money so that he could have free time to compose the great American Symphony. Instead though he never leaves teaching and ends up battling to save the arts and music programs in the school. In the end he is finally forced down to retire and feels like he has accomplished nothing. It is then that he realized that he left his mark on hundreds of students and did do something. That really appealled to me, plus the message of how school cutbacks really are devastating our education system by not introducing students to music or arts. Basically we are blandifying our youth.

3. The Shawshank Redemption. This is a favorite of most people and I have to agree with that. Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins do a phenominal job in this movie. It is basically about a man that is falsely arrested for the death of his wife and her lover. It is about survival and patience. It is about never giving up. The ending is just awesome. It is a remarkable story.

4. Chasing Amy and Clerks. Now I had a tough job here, because I thought about adding both of these seperately, but I even though I love Kevin Smith I like both of this for the same reason, the writing. Both are witty and well written. The dialogue does not seem forced but just natural. Plus both movies I feel you walk away with something. They have life messages so to speak.

5. Jurassic Park. A lot of people probably would not put it here, but I have to say I love that movie. The special effects were just phenomonal and the plot was enjoyable. It may be the kid inside me or the fact paleotology rocks, but I love this movie and I do beleive that it deserves on my list.

6. (Tie) Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I thought about just picking one for this choice but that really is not right. In a way it is one movie and was even filmed in one time. This really is a classic even as it was coming out. Peter Jackson's vision really came to life and brought Tolkens story to the big screen. He did a hell of a job and the acting was superb. This really is the type of movies that the Academy should really love because it reminds me of the old greats like The Ten Commandments and Sparticus.

6. (Tie) The Original Star Wars Trilogy. I almost did not put this on the list but if I did not I would be lying. These movies really alter my life growing up and helped to develop my creativity. The special effects that were done were things no one had ever seen and in fact so much was invented just to make it happen. Plus it really accomplishes what it was suppose to be, a space opera. It was done in the image of the old seriel like Buck Rogers that were shown in the thirties. It was meant to be campy and different. It also really is a cultural Icon of our society....Scarey it is.

7. Silence of the Lambs. Ok I love this movie. It is a great psychological thriller. Hannibal Lector is probably the best villian ever made in a movie. It was dissettling because shows serial killers for what they are, monsters, but not stupied. Hannibal Lector was not only a genius but a cultured man. It is a fascinating look into what makes a serial killer tick. Plus Jody Foster does a phenomenal job as Agent Sterling. She is tough but also weak all at once. Gotta love this movie.

8. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. The way the director and writer weave a tale where so many different people end up in the same plot at the end is phenomanal. It is like a master artist painting a great painting. It really is art how the story is weaved. Plus the humor facter is great.

9. (Tie) Pleasantville. This was a movie that just moved me from the first time I watched it. It is all about changes in life and experencing them not with fear but with excitement. The shifting from a black and white palette to color was awesome. Plus there were so many things in there that were just great touches like the indian on the television and courtroom at the end. Just a great movie. Plus you have to love William Macy.

9. (Tie) High Fidelity. John Cusacks greatest movie. Some will argue that Gross Pointe Blank is and while I love that, this movie is so much deeper. It about fear of commitments and really dealing with life. Just an all around great movie with a great soundtrack. Plus it had Jack Black and he is always hilarious.

10. October Sky. This one is really about making your dreams happen. It is based off a true story of a high school student in West Virginia that saw Sputnik crossing the sky and decided he wanted to be in Rocketry instead of working in the mines. Though everything was against him, he did it. Very awesome and moving tale.

Honerable mentions

Blazing Saddles. This is Mel Brooks best work and one of the funniest movies ever. It not only makes fun of westerns but it also really strikes against bigotry and the folly of hate.

Finding Forrester. Moving tale about a young writer that befriends a great writer. I personally love it for what it says about writing and succeeding even against he odds.

Dead Poet Society. Rage against comformity. Walk your own way in life, enough said.

Raiders of the Lost Ark. Nazi, Harrison Ford, and thirties like action again. Who could not love this movie. I mean do I have to say Melting Gestapo agents!!!

Matrix. Awesome sci fi movie, but I think it lacks the greatness of others. It wins because no one had a clue what the Matrix was. After we knew, we knew that Reloaded and Revolutions sucked, but the first is good.

Maverick. Cards, Jodi Foster, and Mel Gibson. A lot like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking barrels on how everything comes together. Packed full of great actors and actresses of old. It is a great movie.

Godfather 1 & 2. I almost put this on my list, I mean everyone does, but to make my top ten it just does not quite do that much for me. I mean great Killing and well written and acted but not ones I can watch often. Although great material to make fun of your Italian friends:)

South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut. Hilarious, lewd, cartoon Musical. I mean the music is catchy and it has a Les Miserables theme. I can play this just for background:)

Kill Bill 1 & 2. Probably the premere Pulp movie. Great violence and action. Well written and great actors. Lucy Lui was awesome in it, just do not ask her about her parentage:)

Holloween. All I will say Killer in Captain Kirk mask, scarey...ok it is an intellegent movie that launched the slasher movie and the only one that freaks me out.

Boondock Saints. If you have seen it you understand, in not SEE IT NOW:)

Well I could put a few more on, but that is the list. Like it or not, I do not care, because well I am right:)

May 21, 2005 11:00 pm

God I feel damn tired right now. It is nice that I have been working days, but the last week I have slept like crap. Part of the reason is NHL Hockey, part of it not feeling week with the runny nose and such, and then I just plain have not slept well. Like last night I went to bed at three and woke up at least twice. I almost was late for work because I slept though my alarm. Thus I spent today just really damn tired.

That though did not make the day go bad. Sales today were pretty good. There was nothing really blowout today, but I did manage to sell a thousand dollars and three phones. That made the day well worth it. Plus it broke my streak of good day, bad day, good day, and such. I might have been able to make the day even better but just being tired made me feel lerthargic today.

While I was also at work I invested in a new X-Box game. Castor had been raving about Elder Scrolls 3: Morrowind so I decided to look into it. It was like the big game in 2002. I walked down to Game Stop and saw that I could get a used copy of it for eighteen dollars. After seeing it I went back to the store and thought about it more. I thought that why not look at Best Buy and see if it is there and for a good price like twenty. I do not mind paying two more dollars for a new copy and plus it would go on my rewards card. Also the idea of walking over to Best Buy while we were dead was very appealling. Luck would have it that they did have it there and it was marked at twenty. So I grabbed my copy and walked up to the front of the store to buy it. To my surprise I got even a better deal. The game was on sale for just ten dollars! Sweet ass, not only did I get a copy cheaper then GameStop but it was a new one.

I then came home and play more NHL Hockey. I finally finished the season with a 75-7-0 record. That is a pretty good record. My hands right now are hurting at all the playing of it I have done today. I only planned to play a couple of games but next thing I know I played like ten games to finish the season...ok I am addicted...sue me. I at least have not started the playoff yet:) Of course who knows before I go to bed tonight. My first round is Calgary. I suspect to slaughter them and sweep that series.

Yesterday was the first game of Melderon III, and I was pretty pleased with it. It was mostly for a character generation session so I know what to expect. Then we played a short game. It was an introductory game to introduce the party to their sponser at least for the beginning games. They had to rescue Lord Schleffenhuffer's daughter that was "kidnapped". In actuality she had run off with a guy. While her father would not see it she was a bit of a whore, and this had been like the tenth time she had run away. The party was hired to go catch her. They preceeded to find her to see that her and the guy, Mardon Albreicht were argueing. He was upset that she had been following him and that she was dragging him down. The party then negotiated with Mardon to bring her back. On there way out of town the party was jumped by people actually planning on kidnapping her. Negotiations broke down with these people and the party had to fight them. Somehow Dan's character actually managed to surprise that head guy and get a free attack on. Even with Dan's pathetic attacks he went down. The party got her back and managed to get an NPC to boot. Not a bad start.

Well I am going to cease now. I am tired and this is more then enough writing. I also finished reading Jurassic Park again. It really is a hell of a book. Now to start reading the Harry Potters again in preperation of July.

May 20, 2005 12:49 am

Warning there is Star Wars Episode III spoiler in this entry, so if you do not want to know about anything of it, then cease reading.

Ok, before I get to that point I figure I would get the rest of the days events in here. First off, sales equal suck today. It happens, I have had two really great sales days and two bad ones. That is the nature of retail. When I got into work I was damn tired. I have been playing too much NHL Hockey, but it is fun and it does good to kill the time away from work. Unfortunely it has had the bad side effect of me staying up later. I clinched a spot in the playoffs with a record of 53-6 record and then the next game I won a victory and clinched my division. Now I am 57-6 and keep churning. One day maybe another team might finally clinch a spot in the playoff but not yet.

Beyond being tired today, I finally went out and picked up yet another hard drive. My desktop has been down for awhile and I have not been using it for awhile, but there are somethings I would like to be able to use it for. Especially since all of my fun games cannot be handled on my laptop except for like StarCraft or maybe Warcraft 2. Anyway, I talked to someone that knows a lot about computeres and he was pretty sure that my interpretation of the sounds my computer was making did equal a bad hard drive. So I guess that I will spend my one day off Sunday getting that done and reformated and such,

After work I got home and got ready for Star Wars. I have to say there was a part of me that was really excited about it. There has always been something about it that has always brought out the child in me or just the fond memories. I grew up on the original trilogy and even the toys I remember playing with was that. Still though the new ones are not the same. Although this last one was closer to the originals then the last two. Anyway I got home around five thirty and decided that since it was such a nice day that I would walk to the theater. It is part of my program to walk some everyday. I figured to get there a little early so I could get at least in line. So I grabbed my mini disc player and put the book I started reading in my pocket and walked. I got there about six fifteen. On my way there I saw tow trucks towing cars from the levy. When I got in line someone came out from the theater that cars were being towed from the levy for anyone not going to the strip center. They have become such dicks on the levy. I guess I could understand the students at least to some degree, but the theater people? Especially when there is hardly any college kids around. Oh well, I guess it is there property.

When I got there, I got a surprise when Dan called me and asked me if I was going to the theater. I was not aware that anyone had decided to come to that showing. I told them I was in line. I thought they were on their way, but in actuality they were ahead in line. That is cool though, I was not about to cut in line. Patience is a virtue. Anyway I got in the theater and said hi to them. There was no seats around them so I went off and found my own. That too was not a big deal since that was what I figured I'd be doing anyway since no one had said anything:) Now for my comments on the Movie.

First off, the one thing I can say is I liked the movie. It was hocky and the writing was very poor, but it was fun to watch. There were several funny things in it and some lines that popped into my head that I had trouble holding in. First off I guess you have to say that Anikin's fall to the darkside is because he did not have the guts to use a hanger when his wife told him she was pregnant. The look on his face when she told him was entirely funny on its own. I figured he might show the abortion uses for a lightsaber. Then everytime I saw her with him, I kept thinking, "Honey lets go over to the stairs." And pushing her down.

In the beginning there was a pretty impressive battle scene and Obi Wan and Anikan had to go rescue Chancellor Palpatine from Count Dooku. There was some funny lines and the special effects were pretty good, but one thing bothered me and that was Dooku dying like a bitch early on. Part of the reason is I love Christopher Lee as an actor and he makes such a good villian. They really did not use him to his full potiential. I also though understood it and did appreciate it because they got immediately to the plot, and that was the fall of Anikin Skywalker.

Some of the scenes were pretty inspired. Anikin then Darth Vader leading the clones into the Jedi academy to wipe out the Jedi. Just the image of him marching in front of the soldiers into the wide halls is so dramatic. In the academy there is a scene when Anikin walks into the Jedi council room and there are a bunch on younglings in there and they come out and ask Vader for help. Vader pulls out his lightsaber. Then there are some pretty good cutscenes of the Jedi being cut down by the clone soldiers.

There is an impressive fight scene with Obi-wan and Vader. It is the battle that badly injures him and makes him the man that he would be. At the same time there is a really good fight scene between Yoda and the Emperor. It was kind of nice to see the Emperor fight as a bad mother fucker.

Ok now for the things I would change. This movie really was done too short. It would have been better to have it divided into two films. Forget about Episode one and start the first movie with one and two sort of put together. Episode two should have become the real fall of Anikin without the Jedi knowing. The reason is that it makes more congruence with the later movies. In Star Wars, Obi Wan talked about how Vader went down and hunted the Jedi down. There really was not much of that. The Clone soldiers did most of the killing of Jedi. Also the scene in the Jedi Academy could have been done so much better. There really was little of that. I did like the fact that when Palpatine came out too Anikin I like how all the later scenes became darker. That was a good touch. I also liked that while Palpatine was manipulative too Anikin, he also went to help him. That though was another issue. Anikin had to wait to be rescued by the Emperor after his accident. It is amazing how distance in Space became so much like nothing. All in all though it was a pretty fun movie to watch though.

After the movie I had thought about going over to Nicks and hanging out with Bobby and maybe playing a few games of pool. Unfortunately it was raining. So I walked over to McDonalds to decide what I wanted to do. I finally decided to call it a night since I still had to walk home and I have to open in the morning. Luckily the rained died down and I started to walk home. On my way home I decided to jog about a third of it. Partially to try to make sure I avoid the rain, but mainly to see if I could do it. As I got home I worried a little about an asthma attack, but the mind was stronger then the body. That was relatively invigorating. There is nothing that bothers me more then sometimes I feel like my body is unable to keep up. Maybe though it is a sign that I am getting stronger.

May 18, 2005 8:10 pm

Well I have not written in this in awhile and have been meaning to do it. So I guess while we are dead at work I shall get at least some form of an entry in. I guess the only real excuse for not writing is my addictive behavior to NHL Hockey 2004 right now on the X-Box. It really is a good game. I never thought I would be into it, but as far as sports games go, it is the best that I have played. I especially like the fact that you can basically be the GM and the coach and can do the dynasty mode. I right now am just playing one season mode, but I have my team at a respectable 48-6 record.

Other then that, there has not been a lot going on. I seem to either be at work or at home. Work has been pretty good this week. Monday I had an awesome day and today I have had a good one too. Yesterday sucked but between the other two days that has made my week really. I need this paycheck to be a good one and I think it will. This is the time of the year that we start rising back out of the slow months. I just wish that my schedule would not be as screwed up as it is. Today was an open and close shift which I hate then like yesterday I had a three to close shift. Next two weeks are six days of working each one, but no more hours. Aka, it just means I work shorter shifts and not get my second day off and I absolutely hate that. I don't know. At least I have Sunday off.

Otherwise everything is same oh same oh. I have been keeping my apartment clean, although i need to work in my bedroom and do some more organizing. I am really getting into the habit. I do not go to bed now unless all the dirty dishes are rinsed and put in the dishwasher at least. The only other things I really have been doing is some reading of Jurassic Park again, a great book and playing with the rats. They are really good for keeping spirits up. I mean is there anything cuter then watching a rat hop around a room, and crawl all over you? I think not:) Then on those times that I get a bit stir crazy I have been taking some sort of walk everyday. So I am at least getting some exercise to go with my NHL addiction.

May 14, 2005 10:55 pm

Well it is Saturday evening and I am sitting alone. I sort of have mixed feelings about it. Part of me is really fine with it. I am going to try to work a little on my story and today has given me time to get some more cleaning done. Then there is part of me that wishes I was out doing something. Today though everyone chose to go out to the Cactus, which is cool, but that is not my definition of fun except  maybe if it was cheap liquer night and then only because it was cheap liquer night. I can never hear anyone there and thus just not fun. To add to that I really cannot afford to go out. My wallet is empty and even the cover charge is more then I have:) It is not that I am really poor, but that I spent my allowance of fun money last weekend for Cinco De Mayo and then some. Not that I am complaining about it, it was well worth it:) It makes me feel good when a party goes off well. So thus I have chosen to stay home.

The last few days have been sort of up and down. Sales have been lousy. I kept expecting it to pick up but it never did. Then on top of that I just have not been feeling real well. I still have that lingering sickness. It is not bad or anything but just uncomfortable and not helping my sleep. Often I am awaken by fits of coughing and I am have constant nasal drainage. Alas though it is bound to get better. To make the discomfort worse I have been somewhat dizzy lately and have often had feelings of numbness on my right side and head. I know where that is coming from, that is the fact that I have not been taking the zoloft this last week. Those effects are bound to go away before I know it:)

In other news I have spent the day talking to Brad online about what to run when he gets back. I still do not know if it will come to be, but I think I will either run Star Wars or Melderon Amador: 6 years later. I know that if I restart gaming Lehmann will be excited about it and it makes me feel good that Brad seems excited about it too. I have a wealth of creativity over the last few weeks, but who knows if I will put it to good use.

Last night I went out to Nicks with Wanke, Paul, and Carrie and that was fun. I really do like that place. It just is a very welcoming place. I did pretty bad in pool but I had a few good shots. I just need practice. To get there I chose to walk there which was good. I have been trying to walk an hour or so a day at least for exercise and the fact that I like it. I can put my minidisk player on and just immerse myself in a different world so to speak. I only wish last night was not so humid.

I also got the joy of watching the Pacers win there second game against the Pistons to take the lead in the series. It is not that I am that big of a sports fan, but there has always been a little part of me that can enjoy watching basketball. Plus there is a part of me that would like to see Reggie win this one. It is his last season and in a time when players always leave for more money, or go to where they know they can win, or do not give back to the community, he has defied all of that. He will retire fro the only team he has ever played for and not because he could not make more money or be on a better team. It was out of loyalty. On top of everything too he has done a lot of good things for Indianapolis, making large contributions to the Indianapolis hospitals. He is a real winner.

Well I am going to try to get some writing done or something. Perhaps I will play some more NHL Hockey tonight. I am really enjoying playing that game. My team is now 20-1 in its season and I am starting to feel more and more confident playing it. I am not of a Woodfin or Terry quality but I am not aweful either:) Of course they may not be of that quality playing it on the X-Box since they are used to the PS2.

Well I guess now there is a change of plans as the outage to the bar tonight has been cancelled. So I guess shortly I will head back to Nolands.

May 11, 2005 6:12 pm

God, I am on hour eight at work and I swear it is dead or during the periods we are not, we are getting the retarded customers that keep coming in. Another example of one today was a guy that was looking to buy an AT&T cellular phone. First off we clearly sell Verizon and Sprint PCS, but ok I can see that. Then he goes into a long tirade about how unhappy that he is with Cingular because they want to sign him up to a two year agreement. He already completed his agreement with AT&T and was going month to month. He would be willing to pay three hundred dollars to get a phone, but not sign up for a plan. How stupied is that. He could get a free phone and even if he cancels early then it would be only like a hundred and fifty dollar early termination fee. People are just retarded, and for some reason the mall has turned on the Retards are Welcome sign I think.
 

On good side, Dan has stolen me a copy of the Star Wars Core Rule Book in PDF format. It is a little annoying to have to go up and down on the screen to read the book pages, but I do not think that Mark would appreciate me printing out 387 pages, color pages at that on the company printer:) The real downside of getting this copy now is that I am on the wall on what I want to run now. I really started to get into the idea of the DnD game, but I have such good Sci Fi ideas too. Hmm, now I have to think about it all:)

Well I just sold a phone. So I better see if maybe sales are about to change for the night.

May 11, 2005 1:21pm

Well once again this is an entry from work and we are dead again. It has only been like three and a half hours but this is not boding well. I need this to be a money day. I am not going to complain though. Besides that I am doing ok. I just need to sell some phones and that can happen at anytime.

Last night finished off fine. I did not sell anything but the evening was good. The weather was really nice and I took a walk to go get Burrito Supremes from Taco Bell. I for some reason have had an addiction to them as of the last few months. Finally that addiction is starting to wain. Then I came home and watched the two episodes of Judging Amy on my PVR and the Daily Show. Finally I ended by watching an episode from the third season of Buffy. I started to rewatch that the other night. Then too bed I went.

Sleep last night was not good though. I woke up several times hacking and coughing. This is getting really annoying being sick. I have been sick for really over a week. It is not bad, mostly it is just decongestion and occasional coughing. Night though has been really bad for that though. I have been taking some nyqual to calm that some. It does not help me with the sleeping part but it does helping with the coughing and decongestion. Hopefully this will get over soon because it is not fun to deal with.
I think I am going to try to get back to work. Maybe a customer or two might even walk in...who knows.

May 10, 2005 8:03pm

Well this day is coming close to an end. I have fifty-three LONG minutes to go, but soon it will be time to close the doors. I am not saying that it has been slow but I have only sold like 500 in sales and Peggy and I pretty much have all the closing jobs done except for closing the doors and shutting the televisions off. Damn I hate days like this. Hopefully with tomorrow being an open to close shift, I will not have a slow day. It needs to be busy otherwise I may have to shoot myself:)

Something else I forgot to mention this morning is the fact that I got a letter from Best Buy today. Last year around this time I finally signed up to get a rewards card. Normally I never sign up for something that costs money to get discounts, but with the amount of DVD's it made sense. Well today they sent me a letter and said that because I am a preferred customer they were renewing it another year free of charge and they gave me a coupon to double my points on one purchase. I have had other perks cards from places like Waldonbooks, but never have they given me a free renewals. I was going to do it anyway, but this way not only saves me ten dollars but really does give me the satisfaction that they really have appreciated my business. It is little things like that that do make me feel glad that I have done most of my DVD purchases from them.

On other news I have begun formulating a new DnD game slowly but surely. Brads return has rejuvenated my desire to run a game. I guess it has also done well to jump start my creative processes. It should be interesting. The basics behind the game is that it is a world that is sort of based off the very old British colonial period. It is also going to be a little bit from Dune too. The basic idea is that this Kingdom has a colony overseas. They began to colonize it and then something like a long war happened back in the mother country. So the exploration did not continue although more people moved over to the new world. Magic is gone and even the idea of demihumans have become mythical over the years. They may not even exist, who knows? Anyway though now that the mother country is getting back on its feet, it is beginning to look at it's colonies again. The idea is to start out the players coming to the Colonies from a new group. The king is replacing the current ruler of the colony with a new Duke. The party basically will know nothing about the New World, except for the merest rumers of the salvages so to speak. There will be intrigues from people the old Duke put in, guilds, and even the church which is working to convert the heathens. I figure the current system has like thirty-eight nobel houses that are ruling as sort of fiefdoms. As the time goes on I should get this more details.

Damn, I just got interrupted by an annoying, stupid customer. I can handle one or the other, but it pisses me off to get both. He calls in and asks how he can connect ribbon cable to something that cannot except it. People seem to not understand we are not technicians here. We are not paid to even do that sort of stuff. I offer the best ideas that I know, but that is little in that area. I am very polite and say well perhaps Scott tomorrow might be able to answer that question but that is the best I can do. Then the customer was like well that is not good enough. What the hell, do people really think that Radio Shack is going to have trained technicians at every store to help customers on problems that even are not having to deal with sales are making money? No technicians would cost the company like what twenty to thirty dollars an hour. People are just stupid. Oh well, I just hope he does not donate any DNA to the gene pool....We can only hope.

May 10, 2005 12:28 pm

Well, I am sitting a work early with nothing to do. Kenny called me this morning and asked me to come in early because Dickie did not show up. By the time I got here Scott was here to cover his shift. I could go ahead and clock in, but I went out and got a couple of Burrito Supremes and now am sitting here until two. If we get a little busy I will go on the floor, but today looks like the definition of slow.

Everything right now feels like it is going ok. I have not have Zoloft for several days. I am going to try to wing myself off of it since I may be screwed on my health plan. At least right now though I cannot complain about depression. I have really been in a decent mood. It may be because Cinco De Mayo went so well or perhaps because Brad will be returning next month, and any combination of things. Any which way I will not complain. As long as I feel not bad things will not get too bad.

Yesterday was a wierd day. I should have been a little down but I did not get that way. First off before I went to work I went looking for a cd in my room. There was a song I wanted to listen too but I could not find the cd. While I was going through boxes I came across the top of a can that was given to me from long ago. The story about it is that when I was a freshman in high school, I got very ill. It was appendicitus. I almost died from it. In fact there was a fifty-fifty chance of that and there are even a couple of days I do not remember because I was doped up on drugs at the hospital. While I was there my Grandmother gave me that can full of M & M's. She had said that she would always keep that full. Of course it only got filled one more time because we just forgot about it, but it was the sincerety of it. It may have been the nicest thing she ever got me. I had not thought about that in a long time. It may me really miss my Grandparents. You never realize how fortunate I was growing up with having all my Grandparents until they were all gone.

The other thing that should have bothered me more was the fact that for like the fifth time in the last few weeks I referred another customer to Greg's computer business. After all the shittiness to me, I should not really do that, but I guess in the end I do not want to be that type of person. Even now I still beleive in his business and his abilities. I guess I take solice that I will not be that petty.

The good thing is that even with both of those things and the Pacers loss, I still felt good about myself and things. Right now I am feeling pretty invincible and that is a good thing. If sales are good today, I am sure that that feeling will remain. I just have to keep working it and keep up the positive energy. We will see though. That is all we can do.

May 9, 2005 10:51 am

Well today is VE day for Russia. On this day sixty years ago the Soviet Union celebrated victory over Nazi Germany with a huge cost. Twenty seven million Russians perished in that fight. That is such a huge number that it is hard to comprehend that many deaths. If you killed everyone in Indiana, you would have to do it over four times over to get to that number. Of course that is only the beginning of the Cold War and more hardship. Stalin was just as barbaric as Hitler. Still though the Russian sacrifice for the fight against Hitler should never be ignored.

Everything here is going pretty good. I had been meaning to write in the journal but with everything being so busy, I have not had a chance. Saturday was a big day. We had the annual Cinco De Mayo Party and that turned out awesome. I was very pleased with how it came out. There were a few people taht I wished had made it too the party, but all in all the turnout was great. Once again everyone had fun. Unfortunately Castor did not fall down the stairs but nothing is perfect:) We played some cards, Halo, and ate a lot food and consumed a great deal of alcohol and jello shots.

Wanke and I have come up with an interesting theory. Neither of us felt bad the next day with a hangover and I don't think that anyone did. Our theory was the the sauerkraut was the answer. It is all liquid and the amount that we ate made sure that we did not have a hangover. It is a very logical premise. Now we have to set up a series of tests that will prove this. Which of course means that we need to try this enough times to get a reliable base.

Other then that, everything has been pretty good. I pretty much have just been working and cleaning. The apartment looks pretty good, but there are still a few things I need to do to clean up around here. I figure I may finish getting the downstairs back up to speed before I go to work today. I have done well getting into that habit and I am not about to break it right now. It is a good habit to get into. Work has been good too. This was Richie's last weekend at work. I am going to miss him. It is not often that I go up in tenure when someone quits. Work will not be the same without him.

Well I am going to get on the ball and do some cleaning done. Hopefully it will not take me as long to update this again.

May 3, 2005 11:50 pm

Well today is coming close to a close and I have to say that I feel pretty good. I have accomplished quite a bit today. I am right now on the last batch of laundry and that has been a trip to do. I needed to do it for over a week. I was basically out of everything. So today just around one thirty I walked over to Dan's to do the first load of laundry. Usually I went to the laundry mat, but to conserve money it seemed like a better idea. Usually I take all my laundry at once, but I figured that maybe it might be more organized to take one load at a time has worked pretty good. One nice thing is the fact that it was good exercise to do it that way. I felt a little bit stupied though. I always figured that the dryer at his house really sucked, but only to find out that his dryer is the only dryer in the known universe that the timed part of the dryer is only air fluff and not heat. Now that I figured it out this evening, the laundry started going quickly.

I also got the few erronds I needed to get done. Plus I got some cleaning done. I had dinner with Dan and Sara (who by the way does have an H in her name besides what she says). We were celebrating Sara graduating at Purdue. That is an awesome accomplishment. I am sure that it will take no time for her to get a good job.

Well, I am going to go get the last load of laundry from Dan and can be happy to finally have it all done.

May 3, 2005 12:03 pm

Today is the last day off I have before the Cinco De Mayo party and there is a ton of stuff that still needs to be done. The first floor is still pretty much done, but there is some things I need to do upstair including the fun job of cleaning the rat cages. Although thinking about it, I may want to wait to do that in a couple of days. That will not be too bad to do. It is not like I have long days ahead at work. I think the latest I work is four. I also today have to get laundry done. That is a chore I hate because of the time it takes. Senor Noland is greatfully letting me use his laundry machine so I can save the ten dollars to do it at the laundry mat.

 
On other fronts I have been a little irrate at work. There are several reasons right now but the bulk of it right now is the fact that Radio Shack is changing health insurance providers. They are changing to an HMO starting in July and that is going to basically screw me. For one, my doctor is not on that HMO, so I would have to change my doctor. Then to make matters worse, neither hospital in town accepts it. The closiest hospital that excepts it is Crawfordsville. It just really pisses me off, especially when the company is using the smoke screen that they found out it was "better" for the employees. It is all screwed up. Oh well it is something I have to figure out.

On the lighter side my rats are doing pretty good. I have been letter a select few run around the rat room and it is funny to watch them. Rasputin is the really funny one. She will just run and hop all over the place. She figured out the other day that she could jump up to the couch. It is just the cutest thing. Vladimir is equally funny because he will go from nervious looking to all out running across the room. It is like you can see him build up his bravery to do it. They really are quite smart animals.

May 2, 2005 5:15 pm

Well I am standing behind the counter bored to death right now at work. I got in at three today and there has not been a whole lot of business. I think tonight will pick up but I wish it would pick up sooner then later.

Yesterday we did inventory at work. It is the one part of the job I most hate. It is just such a menial mindless job, sort of like dishwashing. The first couple of times were not so bad, but now it is just a horrible ordeal. All I wish is to get it doen when it begins. What annoyed me even more is that it was the first night of the return of the Family Guy on Fox. I had been waiting for months for that day. I still got to watch it, I mean I had it set on the PVR for the last four or five days...but it is not the same thing as being able to watch it live. That and of course watch it without inventory happening that night:)
Well, I am going to cease for a moment.

April 30, 2005 12:44 am

Wow what to say about today. I felt like shit today. I think it was from a hangover, but I may also have a bit of the flu too that may have made me feel worse. Last night I went out to Nicks as per usual. I almost did not go, but it is the typical thing I do and Bobby the bartender looks for me on that night. I have gotten to know him pretty well and he is a cool guy. He also does a computer business on the side and I told him that if he got me cards I would forward customers to him. That will make two computer techs I can send customers too, plus it is a move towards the tab:) Not that I am really worried about it, I just really like Nicks. He offered me a cut deal on a t-shirt last night, and I promised to get one when I get through the bills this next month.

Last night though was pretty fun. I played some pool and royally sucked. That though did not matter, I just wanted to practice and well it is fun. I played a guy I did not know and that is another thing I like about Nicks. It seems everytime I go I meet more people. I just should not have drank as much as I did. Actually it was not a ton, but I just did not drink enough before I went to bed. I think it was because as soon as I got home I got hit by a deep bout of depression. I was great until then and then my mind started wondering to all the shit that I worry about and failures and that sort of crap. Normally it is not that bad but for some reason last night it was really bad. I do not know I guess I am just full of regrets nowadays. I have to get over this, but it's going to take time. Slowly but surely I have been feeling better. The Cinco De Mayo Party has been something that has helped me because it is something to look forward too.

So thus today I felt like total shit. I managed to see my stomach lining today at work. That is the worse. Normally if I have a hangover I can just lay down and sleep it off. Even if I wake up not feeling well in the morning, I can drink some water and lay down and sleep more and feel better. Unfortunately though I had to work at ten. Still though I sold a decent amount. Then I came home. I got a burrito supreme and managed to down that and get some water in me. Then I took a nap. I am feeling better now. Still a little lingering out of wack feeling and my nose is running, thus also making me wonder if I may have a little bit of the flu. My immune system though is strong. Tomorrow I will feel better.

On another rant. Work is changing or medical plan. I am so pissed. It looks like my current doctor is not covered on it. It is just really shitty. So I do not know what I am going to do there. Plus who knows what the change will look like in the drug plan. It is not like I go to the doctor much but it is nice to have a regular one. I don't know it is just aggravating.

Well I am going to get some shit done now. I have to go to bed soon since I have a damn morning meeting at work. At least though I have gotten the downstairs pretty much clean. It looks pretty good. I even scrubbed the floor in front of the front door.

April 27, 2005 7:15 pm

Well so far I have accomplished quite a bit today, but I feel a little unfulfilled today. I feel a bit down right now. I was doing really good today until I started to walk to get some nails to hang up pictures in my living room. Then for some reason I was hit with a wave up depression. It was not really bad depression but just a meloncoly one. I do not know how to describe it. I guess I just do not feel good.

The last few weeks have been a lot like that. I go from being in a good mood to ultimately a depressing mood. Then back again. For the most part I am pretty good at getting myself a lift back up but sometimes I just do not feel up to doing that. I wish there was a better description but I cannot think of a better one.

Well enough of this. I am going to get back to work. I need to at least get the living room completely.

April 27, 2005 10:48 am

It has been awhile since I have put an entry up here. I have debated for awhile on getting another one posted. Part of the problem has just been an apathy to get a new one up. Everytime I have thought about doing a new entry I end up shelving it for something else or just not feeling like doing it. The other part of the problem is that I have been going back and forth from feeling good about myself to being depressed. I guess in a way that is better then just always feeling depressed but it does not always feel like that.

First off there is a major change going on at work. Richie has finally found a job in his field. I am very happy for him. He is one of the few people in the district that has more tenure then I and he has been looking for months for a job. He is also the hardest working person at the store, so he deserves the success. It is a job that works on debugging software in phones and pda's in Plainfield. He is rightly excited about it. I have to say though that I will miss working with him, but since it is better for him, it is worth it.

I have started the work on getting the house ready for Cinco De Mayo. Two days ago I got the kitchen floor mopped and the kitchen is looking pretty good. I will have to do it one more time before the party, but that should not be a problem. I also got my DVD's rearranged then too. I placed a row of them at the top of the book shelves and for the first time since I had the book shelves, the DVD's moved backwards back up shelves instead of down. It also I think looks a little better.

Today on the agenda I am going to continue to work on the apartment. I am going to try to get the rest basically done today. I figure that this is the second to last day I will have off before the party and as long as I get everything done, then next week I will just have to touch it up. It should stay pretty clean, and as I get more into the habits I am developing, much easier to up keep.

Well, I am going to get ready and start some cleaning. Maybe later I will try to get another entry down that goes into more details on what is going on.

April 14, 2005 12:23 am

What to say right now. Well first off, I am blond right now, yeap that is right. It was hilarious. Saturday I got off work on a break to get a haircut. We had been slow and I needed to get a haircut for a long time. I got down there and I had to wait like thirty minutes to just get to the barber. As I sat there waiting I began to ponder what I would look like blond. Finally when it was my turn I was like, what the hell, I should be blond to see everyones reactions. It was well worth it. I have never had my hair blond before but it was a kick to do. I actually look pretty good with it blond. I think I will keep it this way for at least awhile.

The last few days has been food because of all the reactions I have gotten. Seeing some of the expressions on peoples faces has made it really worthwhile. I guess making people get a good laugh makes myself feel good. The last several weeks have been hard on me, but this has made me feel better to some extent. I feel like I am reinventing myself, but I know that it is not truly that. I know that soon enough I will be jumping back from depression to not depressed. This is sort of a plecebo. I still have not talked to Greg and that in a way still pains me. He had been such a good friend until the last few months and it is always hard to find those. Plus there is other deals going on, but I don;t know.

Well, i am going to stop for the night. Today will be weird in a way. Tonight at 11:40 pm will be the anneversary of the Titanic sinking. It is wierd to think about that. I have always had a connection to that event. It was my first obsession in history.

April 9, 2005 11:21 am

This probably will be a short entry but I want to stay on top of this. Yesterday was a day that really just sucked. I did not sale a damn thing and on top of it all I did not accomplish anything. I really want to start writing again, but everytime I sit down to try I just do not have it in me. I wish I could be a cold unemotional person that was not affected by anything. No that is a lie. It is often a weakness but it is also a strength. It is what made it easier for me to help Scott when Bayleigh was sick, and I know that it was a strength in getting Greg back on his feet last year.

 I think I said it once in here, but I think it is worth repeating. I am good at getting people to have confidence in themselves again and to help them become better people. Unfortunately is a mutual help. Like last year when I helped Greg out. I gave him the companionship he needed while I got to learn about working on a house other things about computers I did not know and little things like that. He helped me out as much as I helped him out. Unfortunately they, like he, reach a point that they do not need me anymore and basically they walk away. I am not saying that is wrong, it is life I guess, but still it hurts. I could trust Greg with anything and hell the bad thing is even now he still could trust me for anything. I don't know. In the end life gives us what we deserve and ask for. I am not complaining. It is what life is about. I just hate it sometimes, but if I did not hate it at times, I could not take as much pleasure in the little things that mean so much.

Oh well, I need to get to work. Hopefully today will be better.

April 6, 2005 11:41 pm

Well another day is closing. It is a day that I did not get shit done like I planned for . I only worked for four hours this evening, so I figured I would get a few things done today. Unfortunately sleep seemed to intervene in that. I got up around ten today and planned to do some things around the house. I figured I would at first watch a couple of episodes of West Wing. I do love that show. The problem was today that by the time the second one ended, I had fallen asleep. That nap last about four and a half hours. Giving me only a little time to get to work.

I have slept quite abit this last week. I am not sure why I am sleeping so much. I think that maybe it is the lack of enthusasm this week. I know that part of it is that there are a lot of things bothering me. I have done somethings really well, but I guess not enough. I feel pretty worn out and frustrated with life in general, but I am not going to complain about anything. I have always felt that we live in the world we create for ourselves.

April 5, 2005 6:36 pm

Another day is beginning to come to a close and I do not know what to think right now. I have to say that yesterday ended on a really good note. It was a good day and I cannot complain at the end. I got home from work and ended up going out and playing poker with Brad Davey and his friends. It was five dollars to get in and I did not win, but it was fun. It felt wierd because almost all the guys there were from latin America and they all spoke spanish much of the time. I kept having bad memories of my attempt at learning Spanish where all I learned was to say I have no clue what you said. They were funny to be around too and it was a blast.

After that Davey and I got some food and came back to my place and we watched Resevoir Dogs. I was tired by that point, but Davey is good company. It also is a really good movie. Not as good as Boondock Saint, but hell there are not a ton of movies that are that good. He liked the movie though and that is all that counts. It is funny though, he did not have anything to do today so he was all about watching another movie, but since I opened, I was like I need to get some sleep...well that and the fact that I did fall asleep in Resevoir Dogs, which everyone that has seen it should know that is an accomplishment with all the yelling:)
The one thing that really sucked about last night was the fact that I closed with Jackie. I do not really dislike Jackie, but she sat in the backroom and talked on AIM all evening. I managed to sell four phones because she was sitting back there, but the problem is that we would get busy, so I could not really sale. That was really annoying. Oh well, the day ended well so I am not going to worry about it.

Today was a relatively slow day at work. I sold a few phones and did sell a hundred dollars per hour. It was not a bad day. I just wanted to get out of work today. It was too nice a day to work. So around four I got off and came home. The only other thing I did was walk to the supermarket and get some apple juice and watch a couple of episodes of West Wing Season Four.

April 4, 2005 7:48 pm

Well, I am sitting at working and it is damn slow tonight. There was a run but at the time I was helping a verizon customer. I will not complain about that because I was selling a five hundred dollar phone, but I would like to have sold more tonight. I suspect that the sales are done with the time growing closer and closer to the NCAA Final Game.

Today has been a decent day I guess. I did do something that made me immensely proud. I fixed my truck on my own. Now I owe a great thanks for Richie in that he talked me out of having Dubbers rip me off and he helped me replace my spark plugs a few weeks ago that in essance showed me how that system worked. When I originally took my truck to Dubbers they told me it would be three hundred and sixty dollars to get it fixed. Doing it myself the parts were only like forty bucks. God they have pissed me off.

Last night I won Knights of the Old Republic II. It is sort of bittersweet that I did that. I am happy because, well I won that game and that is always nice, but now I don't really have it to play. It has been great at keeping my mind of things and such. I could go through it again and play as a Dark Jedi, but I am not sure that I want to go through the same thing I already have done just differently. Oh well there are other games I could play that I have not won yet.

April 3, 2005 8:57pm

I debated writing in this journal. I seriously thought about just giving it up, but in a strange way it makes me feel good to keep writing in it. It is a symbol of something that I have kept up with over a time that has been rather hard. These last several ones have been hard, but hell I guess the last few months have been.

Right now my ankle hurts a lot. I have taken some Ibuprofen so hopefully that will help. Yesterday I walked to and from work. That was some like fourteen miles of walking. I did not have a ride there and I guess while I was walking I remembered about how when I asked my Mother for a ride, she always made me feel like the worst person for asking. So maybe in the end it is the best thing for me. This morning I walked to work again and I thought the pain in my ankle would kill me, but I was smart enough to take some Ibuprofen. Tomorrow luckily Mark will give me a ride to work. I hated to ask him, but I need to give the ankle a little bit of a rest. Besides being the morning shift, I did not want to honestly get up at seven o'clock in the am.

Right now I feel like a complete heel and pretty damn worthless. It is not to say that I am depressed enough to do anything stupied, but I feel like I should not be around people. Someone I thought was my best friend has really hurt me. I ugess though it is not his fault. I think that I should just learn that I am only a good friend at times and only when I can be of some use. That is a truth too. I hate it when I am not a use. All I ever really wanted in life is to get the feeling I have accomplished something in life like Mr. Hollands Opus. At the end of that he showed that he made a difference in peoples lives. I know the reality is that I have not and I don't think I really will accomplish that. I guess that is a further weakness.

Well I am going to cease this now. It is not making me feel a whole lot better at the moment, but when my ankle stops hurting I am sure that I will be feeling somewhat better. The one nice thing about avoiding people is that I can try to spend time writing. That is something that I sorely need to do.

March 20, 2005 2:02 am

Well I am about to go to bed and figured I probably should get a journal entry in since I have not done it for a while. First off today was a good sales day. I cannot complain about it. I did over two thousand in sales and a hundred and forty in spiffs. Although I did work all day and that was not all that fun. I guess though it was not bad since the NCAA tournament was on. It really is the only time I follow basketball. I guess mainly because we do brackets at work. At least my four final four teams are still in it. Go Illinois, Connecticut, Georgia Tech, and Duke.

Other then that I guess I am doing ok. Last night I finally talked to Matt again after awhile. I had been watching for him to pop online but he had not shown up for ever. It was good to talk to him. He was someone that was always good to be around generally, especially in nesting season:) Hopefully he will get to come down to Fort Lauderdale while I am down there this week. I suspect he will.

Also on Wensday night we went out to the Nicks again for more pool. It was really fun there and I got pretty buzzing. I had to laugh because I have been working to get to know the help at Nicks. I figure it will be worth some free drinks in the future and besides they are pretty cool. There was a waitress there that normally worked at the Knickerbocker. When she would come around I would joke with her and talk to her. At the end of the night I got for free tickets for the Knickerbocker on their show nights. Free stuff is sweet! It just goes to show you that being nice has its own rewards.

Well there is more I want to write, but sleep really is calling me. I cannot wait until Tuesday when I get to Florida, that will be so awesome.

March 16, 2005 8:56 pm

I have not put anything in here in a couple of days and I really do not have a lot of excuses for it, especially since yesterday I have been off work. Things are going ok I think. One thing I have begun to realize is that I am not absolutely horrible at pool anymore I am starting to slowly but surely get better. Tonight I am going to go out again and play some more at Nicks. Hell Nicks is becoming my bar:)

Monday night I went out and played pool with Andrew, Greg, and Dawn. That was the realization that I did not completely suck at the game. Of course this is also coming two weeks after my massive slaughter of Scott at pool at the Cactus. I can see the shots now and where I need to hit the ball to get it. It is just the process of following through, but that is getting better. We then went to Walmart and I picked up the Incredibles.

My truck is running again and I have Richie to thank for it. I originally had it towed to Dubbers but when the called me they said it was going to be another three hundred and sixty dollars. I took that pretty hard. It was money that I did not have. I was not sure what I was going to do, but Richie asked me what they said and we priced the parts on the web. The problem was that the spark plugs and the wiring and air filter. Richie thought sure we could do it, so that became the plan. Tuesday I called a tow truck to get my truck back, but when I got there I guess I did not need a tow truck. I wish Dubbers had mentioned it. That cost me twenty five dollars to the tow truck driver for the call. That sucked. In the end with the towing fee too Dubbers and parts and the twenty-five dollar fees it came to just under a hundred, that is awesome. Richie was awesome to help me out.

Well, I am going to cease now. Scott will be here shortly so we can play some pool.

March 13, 2005 11:28 am

Well frustration continues this morning as my truck would not start. Hopefully it has something to do with the fuel pump so I do not have to put more money in it. It just really sucks. I feel like a fighter that is just getting pummeled all the time. I had just really gotten my head almost above water from the demise of winter and now if it is not the damn fuel pump I may be back below again even farther. I don't know it is just upsetting.

Yesterday was a long sales day with only mediocre results. It was not bad but it was far from great for an eleven hour shift day. Hopefully sales will pick up this week. If my truck is going to cost more money then I am going to need a really good check on this next one.

After work I went over to Dans and we watched the Tao of Steve which was a surprisingly good movie. It is one I will have to get in my collection. Unfortunately I was not feeling the greatest last night and went home about midnight. There was some pain in my lower stomach that was bothering me. I am not sure what it was but today it seems to have subsided. It maybe from stress or perhaps something I ate yesterday. Who knows. Although if I get to the Doctor this week and it makes a reoccurance I may ask him about it. I think I am going to go back to the doctor this week to see if I can get the zoloft dosage increased since it does not feel like it is doing the neccessary job. I am about finish with this refill and figured if I am going to see about it, then well I might as well do it before the next refill.

Well Richie is going to be here soon. Hopefully I will be able to get in sales mode. If not this reallly will be a long sales day.

March 12 2005 12:30 am

Today I cannot say that I accomplished much. The only thing I achieved today was cleaning the rat cages which desperately needed it. I really needed to get to the laundrymat, but I started play Knights of the Old Republic II and that was like eight hours of playing. It is an addicting game and it is something that does a good job at getting me to escape reality. It really is a good game and the plot is engrossing. I really had not started to play it until today. I figure at least for a week that it should keep my mind occupied and that is good.

Of course as soon as I was done playing I felt an intense loniliness that is hard to describe. I think that it is because with the exception of giving Brad a ride to Radio Shack so he could apply for a job I have had no other contact with anyone. I figured that it being a Friday night that something might go on, but no phone calls to say otherwise. I am starting to get used to it, but over time it just still wears on me.

Last night Lehmann and I went to Nicks and played some pool and came back and watched a The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was thankful for that, because I just needed to be around someone. It was the first time since Monday that I had been around someone socially and there is just a need to have that from time to time. I guess that is what happens though when you cease being in the loop. I do not know, I guess that is just the problem. I don't know, it weird that the only people that I have been talking too regularly is Wanke and Vince. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will feel better. Although working open to close probably will not help. At least there will be Knights of the Old Republic waiting for me.

March 10, 2005 1:56 am

Well I did not get an entry into the journal for a couple of days, but one of those I had a good excuse on that one. My computers do not work without electricity. It was shut off on me Monday while I was at work. God, I was pissed by that. They could have done it while I was here or called me and I would have taken care of it, but no they sneak in like the slime they are. It was very aggravating to deal with it, but in the end I am caught up and I do not have to deal with it anymore. It is all good.

Last couple of nights, I have taken a lot of time to think. Tonight I probably should have done something but there really wasn't anything to do. God, it really is depressing to go to the funeral of a child. Lehmann was right in that it is just not right. I agree she is out of suffering and it is better then going through what she went through, but in the scheme of things she should not have went through it. When Lehmann came to the showing he took it really hard. I had to kinda lift his spirits, so I came up with what my funeral was going to have to be. First off my coffin will leave the funeral to the tune of the Imperial March and the pallbearers will be midgets...I mean everyone loves midgets. My coffin will be a simple wooden coffin that will have DVD's attached all over it. I always said I wanted to go with them. Then when people walk up to the coffin they have to take a jello shots, you know the ones I mean with Vodka and everclear, and mind you that is everytime you go up there. There will also be an open bar. The music will not be any of this sad shit, but instead will be played from an IPod that will be placed in the casket. There will be no repeats so people will not know what will be next. Such songs as the Rocky theme, Superman theme, and everything that is the opposite of thoughts of death. Any crying also will require the person to take a shot. Of course with all the alcohol, no one will be allowed to drive to the cemetary, no instead there will be a line of taxi's placed behind the hearst for people to follow in. That is my funeral:)

Tonight as I continued watching my movies that I was behind on, I watched John Q. It was a great movie, but it probably was not a good time to watch it. It is about a father who does not have insurance and his son needs a heart transplant. He has to go through drastic measures to save his sons life. The end is a good ending because the son lives but it just reminded me of the funeral and the injustice of it all.

Last night I watched Ladder 49. That was a depressing movie, but excellent one. It was a depressing movie in a different way as John Q was. It basically is about firefighters and what makes a firefighter. It may be that I have a soft spot for firefighters because, well, what they did on 9/11. Any group of people that would do what they did that day deserve our admiration. It is something greater then anything else I can think of. It was a horrifying day for them, but it also was their finest hour. The movie really depicts firefighters as the people they are. It is excellent. I will have to watch it again.

Well I am going to go to bed. It is late and I am a little tired. Hopefully I will get an entry in tomorrow.

March 7, 2005 12:11 am

The weekend is over and in a way I am glad of it. It has felt like a long one, although not as long as I know it was for others. I hope the Jensens are doing better today, but I honestly know that they will not until after Tuesday. It is something I wish they did not have to go through, but I guess death is something we all end up facing. Willmore and I were talking yesterday and we got talking about threes. I do not really beleive in that theory, but for this case I hope so. That way no one else has to go through this for awhile. It started with Peggy's Mom, then my Grandfather, and now Bayleigh.

Today was not an exciting day. I meant to get some shit done, but once again, I managed to avoid it. I just did not have motivation today. I felt a little depressed. I felt sad for Bayleigh and I just did not feel much worth today. I felt I wanted to do something with someone, but I just didn't feel like people would be up to be around me. I know that a stupied thought but just the feeling for the day. The day though ended pretty good since I got to hang out with Greg. That had been the first time in over a week. It was just nice to watch a movie with him again.

Thus today I watched two movies I had not had a chance too. First by myself, I finally watched 1776. That was just hilarious. I owe Brad for convincing me to get it. It is a musical about the signing of the declaration of Indepence and is funnier then shit. It was well worth watching. The other movie I watch was with Greg and that was Flight of the Phoenix and I actually liked it. It maybe because I figured that it would not be good so I had no expectations, but it was fun to watch.

Well that is it for today. Tomorrow is going to be a weird day. I hope the Jensens get through it well.

March 5, 2005 11:29 pm

Well it is Saturday night and I did not expect to be sitting at home writing in the journal. I expected tonight to be in Indy with friends going out, but that was not to be. First off today there was some horrible news. Scott and Cretia's daughter Bayleigh past away. She had been sick for a long time with a degenerative nerve disease. In a way it is a good thing because she is at peace. What she went through was so horrible and especially because was just eight years old. It makes me sad to think about something that bad that happened to a little girl. Now though she is at peace.

When I found out today, I pondered about going to Indy still. Finally as evening rolled too, I decided it was best to just stay in town in case Scott or Cretia needed me. In the end they just decided to go to bed early. I guess they did not get much sleep last night and they got the phone call this morning with the news. Either way though I am glad of my choice. I know that the gesture meant a lot to Scott and Cretia.

Otherwise today was an ok day. I got to have dinner with Willmore that that was fun. I had never eaten at triple X before so, it was good to finally try it. It was pretty tasty. The conversation was good. We talked about different movies and stuff. I have to remember to make him watch Chicago, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Guns, and Incident at Loch Ness.

Last night was pretty good. Wanke, Lehmann, and I went out to Nicks. Everyone else had went to the Cactus and I was bothered a little bit about not being invited, but that is not that big of a deal. I just wish I had gotten a chance to see Brad on this trip and I did not really get that chance, but I am happy that it looks like he had a good time. In the end that is the important thing. I drank too many long islands last night that is for sure.

Well, that is enough for now. I at least got an entry done. I hope that the next few days will give the Jensens some strength. My thoughts are with them tonight.

March 4, 2005 9:35 am

Amazing enough I am up this early willingly:) Well I sort of just woke up and figured what the hell, I might as well stay up. I went to bed a little after one, so I got some pretty decent sleep. It is just weird to get up this early.

Yesterday was not a bad day what so ever. I did not feel really that motivated, but I sold about sixteen hundred in sales and like a hundred and thirty in spiffs. It was four phones that I sold that made the day. It was the best day we have had this month. It has been a strange one at that. February was just a month where everything was just nuts in selling. It seemed like we could not avoid selling phones. It went right up til the end of the month like that. Then the first of March rolled around and the mall just died. It was like, its March so everyone decided to stop shoppiing. Yesterday though hopefully started back up sales.

Work too was not bad. I closed with Richard and that is always fun. Yesterday was particularly fun. Sometimes he is a riot to close with and that it was last night. He really is one of the funniest person I know. Last month the company accidently fired him so he did not get paid most of the month. They eventually solved it all but it was funny to think that he was not paid during black history month. He can just say the most outrageous things to anyone and get away with it too. It is just too funny.

Then after work I went out to the Cactus with Scott for a bit. I figured I had not hung out with him for awhile so I should do it. Besides the thought of sitting home alone again last night did not sound too fun. We went out and I had one long island. The big thing about last night is while we were there we played some pool. On the third game I played the best game I had ever played. I had been doing better in seeing the shots, but not completing them. On the third game I was at first sucking it as per normal. Scott had gotten like all but two or three of his stripes in and I had yet to put any of my solids in. The all of a sudden it all came together and I could do no wrong. I put six straight balls in before missing one. Then Scott missed a ball and I put my last solid in. I failed to get the eight ball in and Scott went again. He got one more of his in and then missed. Then I called the back left pocket. I really did not think I had a shot and was just calling the pocket because it was the closiest thing I had to a shot. Then that damn eight ball followed through and went in. I was a pool god for one game:) I kick ass!

Then I came home and surfed on the internet for a bit and went to bed. All in all the day was not bad. I felt a little down as I was going to bed, but I calmed myself and managed to shrug it off. One more day by and we continue to move with it. Hopefully Saturday is as fun as it looks. I hope that Brads interview goes well today. I suspect it will.

March 3, 2005 12:28 am

Today was not a bad day. I got a few things accomplished and saw another good movie that I had never seen. I wanted to do a little more or maybe hang out with more people but it is all good. There is nothing I should complain about today and that is something that makes me feel a little better. I know it is just one day, but that is a start. Over the next few weeks there will be the up and down days, but as time goes on it will get better and there are things to look forward to in the future.

One thing that made me feel good is talking to Wanke online today. I let him know that Willmore was going to go down to Indy, so he might get his plans changed to go up to Indy, but if not no big deal in that. I feel lucky to have a friend like him. He wanted to also wanted to mention that in the future he wanted to talk to me about job opportunities in the chicago area. I don't know if that will really go anywhere, but it makes me feel good that he is watching out for me and wanting me around to hang out. He is a good friend.

I also got to spend sometime with Dan and Sara tonight and that was fun. They came over around eleven and got to see the end of the Way of the Gun and then we watched some Penn & Teller. It was all fun. I need to sit down or take a walk and talk to Dan in the future, but there never seems to be the time or the matching of our schedules. We have not really talked in a while and that is always good to do once in a while.

I did something today that I decided last night when I was going to bed that I would do, and that is writing. I started on a different story for the moment to just get the flow back. I did not want to write on the big story until I sat down and mapped out the second half of it. I had followed the plan for the first half and while I can sit down and start writing from point to point, I do not just want to write on that without having the points laid out. I just have not been in the mood for that right now. I figure if it does not come to me in a week or so, I will set some time to play Eternal Darkness and that should do it. It always had in the past. I jsut really want to complete it.

March 2, 2005 5:10 pm

Well this may not be a real long entry, but I wanted to make sure I got something in here. It is one of those things that I have to just keep in the rhythm.  Today, I am doing ok. I am not really depressed today and I feel relatively good. I wish I could say I have accomplished a whole lot today, but I have only got a little bit of my list to be done. At least I made a list and that is something:)

Last night was pretty good. Brad Davey and I watched a couple of movies and that was fun. The first was the Incident at Loch Ness. I had been waiting for that movie for awhile. It was well worth the wait because I really liked it. It was damn funny. It is a movie that is suppose to be a documentary of the Loch Ness sort of how they made the Blair Witch Project was suppose to be, but this was a hundred times better and not with an epileptic at the camera. I highly recomment it.

Saturday is also beginning to shape up and I am happy at that. Willmore will be there so we will get a birthday celebration. Also some of my old employees might be there and that will be fun. This time even if I have to drive down there, I will be there around seven:) Well hopefully I will get a chance to write some more tonight.

March 1, 2005 5:11pm

Ok here is another entry from exciting Radio Shack, well maybe not exciting
since I have time to write from here. Business is pretty slow today. There have
not been many customers and even less sales. I spent an hour getting caught up
on certifications that I had not done here at work. God those are really a
waste of time. I did not learn anything off those at all. Also we have a
contest going on right now flip2win. It is for selling a new phone with two
accessories. I had like nine flips to do today. You go to a website and click
on one of five phones and it flips over and tells you what you won. I won seven
entries into the drawing for a Vespa Scooter (aka NOTHING!!!) and a, now listen
up becuase these are phenominal prizes, I mean I cannot see anyone winning such
awesome prizes, they were a TOASTER and a BLENDER. Of course that is better
then Kenny he won a five mini-Cooper remote control car. Then of course Mark
turns around and wins a portable dvd player...where is the justice. I Mr. DVD
wins a friggin Toaster and blender and Mark wins a portable DVD player. Plus to
make it feel even more worse this is his SECOND one he has won in a contest.
Life just is not fair:)

On the DVD side, I am now gotten six movies watched that I had not seen yet in
my collection. I have kept up the endeavor of finally seeing all of my movies
in my collection. Although I guess today is a little bit of a setback that I
managed to get two new movies that I really wanted to see. I got Incident at
Loch Ness that is suppose to be really good, and Flight of the Phoenix, which I
have heard bad reviews of, but I really wanted to see it.

Beyond that I do not really know how I am feeling today. Not being busy does
not help my mood, but I just feel numb today. Tomorrow maybe better or worse
without having to go to work. I probably need to try to get some laundry done,
but I just need to have some motivation. That is something I really have not
had. I don't know if I had the answers then I guess I would feel better, or if
I did maybe then I still would not really have the answers. Time maybe the only
thing that will make me feel better.

Well, I am going to get back on the sales floor. We are not busy, but I have
sat in the backroom for thirty minutes and that is too much really.

March 1, 2004 12:00 am

Well, I guess I am going to do another entry in this thing before I go to bed. I should get this archived so it is not as long, but I do not feel like it at the moment. Sure it may take all of like four minutes to do, but that seems like too much at the moment. At least one person has figured out that I have started back on my journal which is a little surprising, because I have been real quiet about starting to write in it again. I know though someone has because well, the counter has been going up.

Well, I wished I felt a little better this evening, but I do not. I just want to scream right now. It has been two weeks since we laid my grandfather to the ground, and with everything else, I just don't feel good. I have tried to do things that normally make me feel better. Yesterday I got Willmore the DVD for his birthday and I dropped off a clock that Greg had wanted at his house on the way to work. Both of those gifts were things that I thought those people will find meaningful. Willmore said thank you and then acccidently left it at Dan's house. I know that was not intentional, but it made me feel like I did not pick that well for him. Then Greg did not even call, message, or even e-mail a thank you. It is not that he had too, but it would have been nice. Oh well, I know that he liked that gift because I did see his face when he saw it a couple of weeks ago. I guess I just miss hanging out with one of my closest friends.

I wish I could get my creativity back. I was hoping that just the act of writing would do that, but it has not. I just don't feel it right now. I think that has made me feel more alone. At least when I was creative, I could write and at least for the moment I could feel not so alone, because I could create a whole world on paper. Maybe it will come back to me soon.

Tomorrow is another day, either I will feel better or not. Hopefully Saturday will go off well and then maybe things might look up. Memo to self, remember that Sara's birthday is on the tenth....must have a gift by then.

February 28, 2005 6:26 pm

Snow, the most horrible word in the english language. That is the word that
describes the weather today. Everytime I think we are done with the abysmal
snow, there is more. Damn global warming people and there lies and promises. I
am promised global warming I can tell you that it is not warm here, in fact it
is not just cold, it is fucking cold!!! Oh well I cannot change the
weather...yet anyway. Maybe when I am a super villian.

Other then that, I am at work at the moment. It has been rather slow, although
I just had to take a break to sell four phones. I managed to actually get two
accessories with them, which was two more then I thought because the customer
was argueing that the phones were too much. It was a thousand dollar sale and
sixty dollars in spiffs. With the weather I do not expect to do a whole lot
more tonight. Bad weather usually equals bad sales.

I guess though in the end it is not bad. I do not feel really into the sales
mode tonight. I just feel a little bit worn down. I am not entirely sure why
because I slept for like nine hours last night. I think it is just an
emotional wariness. To be honest I just don't feel like I have much self worth
right now. I am sure that it will get better over time, and it maybe just the
weather, but who knows. At least I did something good and managed to at least
put to bed the problems Terry and I had. Saturday I e-mailed him after I got
home to put it behind us and today he replied. I will not go into it, but will
say that as far as I am  concerned.

Well I should try to get back to work. Maybe I might sell something.

February 27, 2005 10:35 pm

I am getting back into the rythem of this pretty good and I am happy at that. It has been a good outlet in the last few days. Today I just felt a little meloncoly. Not really sad, but not happy either. I guess I felt last night did not work out as well as I wanted. In the end I felt like I failed last night in not preparing properly. It would not have been as bad if Cretia probably did not really need it last night. I did not drink to the extreme but I had a good buzz going at least.

I think part of what made last night a little worse for me was the fact that one of my best friends did not return my call when I asked him too. It should not be a really big deal, but I do not ask people to call me back often. It was not the fact that he did not go out with us, but more the fact that when I asked him to let me know, he did not. This just seems like it has been more the standard lately with him. He finally responded around ten when I sent a rather crappy text message. I don't know it just makes me feel more like a loser then I already am. Maybe in a way there I deserve it to some degree, but I don't know. I just will keep trying to be the best person I can and just not let it get to me. It is just something that is really damn hard.

Today sales were not bad. I tried a little bit, but part of me was not all there. I did like fourteen hundred in sales and sixty in spiffs. I did do something which I am sort of proud of. Last night I found out that Monday was Willmores twenty-first birthday.so I got him a birthday gift today. I got him Payback, which is an excellent movie. I think he liked it which is the important thing. After that I came home for a bit and went back to Dans and watched some Penn & Teller Bullshit. That is such a good show.

Oh well, I am going to watch the movie Final Destination now. I have heard good things from Greg about it, so maybe it might be good. We will see.

February 26, 2005 5:36 pm

Well I wanted to get an entry in before I went out tonight. I figure that I will be unable to get one then. I tried to organize some people going out drinking tonight. I do not think there will be that many showing. That does not altogether bother me, because I know that a lot of people are busy, but I wished there were a few more. I think more then anything right now I am a little bothered by Greg. He is one of my best friends, hell over the last several months in a lot of ways he has been my best friend, but I just feel like he is ignoring me. It is not so much not doing as much with me as before, but not responding very often to e-mails or txt messages asking about shit. I don't know. It goes back to the whole thing of me being good to be around for awhile and then growing old I think. I guess a part of me also feels like he feels ashamed to have me around sometimes. I don't know. It is probably just paranoia, but I find it unsettling deep down.

Other then that, everything seems ok today. I was flipping through my phone and I thought about deleting my Grandfathers number out of there since it is no longer good. I did not have the heart to do it yet though. I guess in a way it is a reminder of him at the moment. It was hard to shift my other Grandfathers number and change the name to Dad since he took that number, but this is just deleting it from my life. People say that it is suppose to get easier and easier, and I guess it is, but damn that void is still there.

Last night I watched the Bourne Supremacy. It was not a bad action flick. I need to rewatch it because I ended up talking to Wanke on AOL through most of it, so I missed some parts here and there when I was concentrating on the conversation. It was a good movie if not a predictable action movie. If you like action movies, you should like this one and it has a pretty good chase scene in Moscow.

Well, I think that is enough for today. That is three entries in a row. I feel like I am on a roll. Maybe I will get back into the rythem of writing again soon. I have not worked on my story since my Grandfather passed away. I just have felt my creativity be sucked away. In a way though I have felt like that for awhile. I cannot remember the last time I ran a roleplaying game, but in a way that is not only because of the lack of creativity, but I guess the lack of continuous players. I always put a lot of myself into a game, and like myself I am not shortwinded in a story. So for me to game master well, well I need several regular players that will play pretty much weekly. I think also the fact that a lot of my close friends of late do not play has also had a lot to do with that. I just like doing things with as many of my friends as possible. I mean like I have said in the past, they are my family.

February 25, 2005 11:19 pm

Well another day has come to a close and I am not sure how I feel about that. Today was the long day at work. I was suppose to spend the whole day at work open to close, although I managed to escape an hour early. There are some things I liked about today. I did sales some stuff and made around a hundred in spiffs. More importantly I got to work with Peggy which was awesome. I have so missed working with her. She is just so awesome. Also I think today I finally got over my little bout of sickness. My nose is not running now and my throat feels better. It is all for the better because I plan to do a little drinking tomorrow. Hopefully there will be enough people for that.

I guess today I am still just a little numb right now. It is another evening sitting alone. There is a part of me that does not mind it, but there is a part of me that wants to be around people. I don't know. I am just a mixture of emotions about it all. I don't know, I guess in a way I feel like I am not fitting in anywhere at the moment. All the people that I felt like I fit well with are moved away generally, or always busy, or just not around. I am not upset with them, but it is just weird right now. I think it is just all the shit that seems to have been going on in the last few months. Maybe as the blasted cold leaves the land I will feel better.

Tonight I was flipping through the channels and I felt a little nostalgic for my Grandfather. On CMT was the Dukes of Hazzerd. It was a really aweful show, but it was one that gave my Grandfather such a kick. I could almost hear him being excited at it being on. It is little things like that that have been reminding me of him. Earlier in the week, I sold a scanner and I thought I might have to go to the back room, because one thing he absolutely loved was listening to the scanner. As time goes o though, I know that it will only get better.

Last night I watched the movie, I ♥ Hucklabees. It is a weird but good movie. It is all about extensiallism. I probably  butchered the spelling of the word, but it was really a cool movie. There were a lot of funny scenes and while it did not seem like it was really going anywhere, that was what it was about. Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman was just great in it. I highly recommend it for those that like more in a movie then just a basic plot. It is really sort of thought provoking.

Well, I think that is enough for this day. There are other things I could write, but I am watching Bourne Supremecy. It seems pretty good. I realized last night going through my collection that there a A LOT of movies I have not watched yet, so I am going to endeavor to catch up.

February 25, 2005 1:05 am

Ok, I have not updated this in awhile, but I did not want to necessarily do this when I was so depressed. I never wanted this to be something where I was just whining. In a way though I wish I had been doing it all this time. It is going to be hard to get back into the rytham of this again.

First off, February 9, around 3:30 pm Frances Lloyd Mabbitt passed away. He was my last surviving Grandparent. It was a long time coming, but I still miss him. His death did not hit me as hard as my last Grandfathers death. I think it was because it was such a long one that in a way I was able to prepare for it. I guess also it is because I found strength at the showing and the funeral trying to be there for my Aunt Joanne. She took it really hard, but why wouldn't she, she took care of him twenty-four seven over the last eight years or so. I also found some strength in my friends. Wanke continues to amaze me because he made a point to come down to Lafayette not once, but twice to make sure I was ok. Plus Dan, Castor, and Sara made it to the showing. That meant a lot to me. I guess I was a little disappointed that work did not send flowers, but when Peggy's Mom died, I was the chief organizer of that.

I want to just say that everything is ok, but they are not entirely. I am doing better, but there is just part of me lacking. I guess part of it is that I do feel a bit lonely. I have in a lot of ways given up on finding someone. It is not for lack of trying, but more of lack of self confidence and knowledge on how to do it I guess. For a long time I kept high self confidence, but there is more too it then that, and I do not think I have it. I have found out though what I am good at. I am good at finding people that are low in self confidence and pushing it back up and making them better people. I did that with Sheler, Paul, Baumbauer, and Greg. In a way that does make me happy. It is an accomplishment to help someone move to higher place.

Well, I should do a longer entry, but it is late and tomorrow is an open to close day at work. Oh I did forget to say something, there is a small victory in my life. Jeremy got transferred to a new store! That is like a gift to me. Don't get me wrong Jeremy can be a good guy and fun to work with, but then there are times he is a total dick. That will at least alleive some stress right now.

January 14, 2005 2:55 pm

Yesterday I got the privilege of getting a ride from work by ambulance. It was a bad asthma attack. I scared the hell out of Mark and Jackie at work. Hell I was scared a little too. How did it start? That is a good question. The day before I was not feeling well to begin with. I guess for awhile I have not felt well, but the day before was bad. I have been in a depressive funk for awhile. So many things going on. Then yesterday I was working on the order and moving some heavy boxes. There was also dust on some of the boxes. At first everything seemed fine and then the breathing started to get irregular. I try to kind of hide in the background and control my breathing but that was failing. My inhaler was empty, because currently I do not have a doctor, as mine had left the arnett clinic. Finally in the back room, I had to have Jackie to tell Mark to call 911.

I wish this winter would have been better, it seems that shit seems to fall, it falls. So much has been going on that it is hard to write it all here. My Grandfather is still teetering and I just wait until the end. Then there was the Christmas from hell and not having money. Four thousand is the amount I was off this year. Now I feel even worse because I have developed feelings for one of my best friends, or hell right now I guess he has been my best friend. Emotions are such a weakness for me. For some it can be a strength, but for me it always tends to be a weakness. In the last seven months we both had come to depend on each other, which was nice when it seemed like all the friends I ever had seemed like they were moving away. I helped him get over the breakup from his girlfriend of three years.

I know that it sounds stupid that I should fall for someone that was dating a girl, but there has always been something about him that no only me, but most of the people he tends to know wonders if he is gay. It doesn't matter in the end, but there is part that let me develop feelings. I have close with most of my friends and never developed feelings, but with him I was unable to do it. Then as shit started to fall on me he was there. There is a part of him though that is so afraid of being thought of being gay that even if he was then it would not matter. I know that between us that there are some feelings, but I doubt that his are the same as mine which makes me feel guilty. I am as close to him as family and he knows he can depend on me. It just really hurts though. Now he is hanging out with a girl most of the time. Part of me is happy about it, but there is a part of me that is jealous and that makes me feel ashamed.

I do not know. I am going to cease now. I need to get a new inhaler and I need to see if I can get a new doctor. I am going to try to get back on zoloft. Maybe that will make me feel better. Maybe not, who knows.

January 8, 2005 2:56 pm

Well I am sitting in my living room pondering. There is snow on the ground here and two friends are here, but even right now I do not feel real good. Yesterday my Grandfather went back to the hospital yet again. They had released him so that he would be comfortable, but he was having trouble breathing a chest pains. I thought about going back again, but I cannot do it. Part of it is just being a coward and not wanting to watch him die. I have done this too many times.

Today we are going out for Gregs birthday. His actual birthday is on the tenth, but it was easier to have people go out with him on tonight. I am glad that he is going to have a good birthday. He has done so much for me. Yesterday he came over and got me motivated to clean my apartment. I had been trying to do that all week, but I would get something done and I would lose my motivation. He also is the one that was able to give me a ride home to see my Grandfather last weekend.

Well I will try to write some more later. I do not like doing this while I have people over here.

January 3, 2005 9:54 pm

Hoppy is dead. I do not remember if I talked about him much but he was the escaped rat I had. Last Tuesday I had finally recaptured her. For like a month and a half she was loose in my apartment. Her death has hit me harder then I would have thought for a rat. I know that part of it is because I am really sensitive about people and animals. There is a part that I know is because it represents my Grandfather who is teetering towards death. I think though the real reason it is so hard because all though the last weeks when things seemed to be going to shit and it was hard to talk about anything with a smile, I could talk about the escaped rat. It was like when I was depressed two days before Christmas and I wanted to just not think of anything good and when I woke up that morning, there was Hoppy scurrying off my bed. It just made me feel good to think that she had crawled up onto my bed the night before. It was something to laugh about and a story to tell. Sitting in the living room and watching him cross the room, it made me feel like I had a pet like a dog or a cat. Now she is gone.

Before I went into work today, she was hardly moving. All I could do was hold her. She was breathing slowly coming

January 3, 2005 12:38 am

Well this is my second journal entry in two days. I am going to try to get back into the swing of this again. Having no internet for a month did a lot to break the routine and with this last Christmas I did not want to put a bunch of entries that had a lot of depression in it. It has been a hard one for me. In the end I know