July 22, 2002 - 12:50 P.M. CT.
Well...I talked to JoRae last night. I answered the phone, thinking it would be Lisa, but it was her...her cell phone went dead, so I hung up and then I disabled call waiting and called TELL ME...a service with news, entertainment, weather, etc. I sat there and listened to the weather forever...waiting for Lisa to call back (she said she was talking to her friend...a friend who she didn't want to talk to, so she would be off soon.) Forever went by, I called Lisa back a few times, she kept telling me she was STILLLL on and would be off in like 5 minutes. I hung up, and I picked it up to call TELL ME again, but there was someone on the line...it was JoRae (I had been trying to avoid telling her about everything, thus trying to avoid her altogether.) I HAD to talk to her. I told her the phone was messed up or something? I have no idea what was wrong, I said. We talked a VERY short time...she asked me about the apartment, I said I didn't know what was going on with it. Which is sort of true. Anyhow, I ended up telling her that I had to take Rachel to meet her friend, because it was either that or have her spend the night (I DID take Rachel to meet her friend EARLIER in the night, so that wasn't a TOTAL lie either. Right?) Anyway- I told her I had to do that...she said to call back, but then said nevermind, it would be too late, and she needed to sleep. She sounded upset, because we never get a chance to talk, and when we FINALLY do, we can't, because I have to leave. (or so I said)...I told her I loved her, because she was waiting for it, and if I didn't tell her, she would have wanted to know why, and I would have had to tell her EVERYTHING...which I wanted to do, but I chickened out. I told Lisa all of this...she was pissed. Turns out, she was lying...she was talking to Paul, her weirdo 31 yr old online friend who constantly talks about how he wants to have sex with her, and a man she claimed she wanted to date at one time (or so she implied in such a manner.) So...I talked to Lisa on the phone finally, and mentioned that I would have to go to college to be able to support her (which has to be the case, or we will never be together.) She sorta acted like that was silly, and I had changed my mind. But- it all comes down to this...I either work full time making 15 bucks an hour, and never go to school (because I'll never have any money saved or have time because I'll be working 40 hrs a week) or I can forget it all, and make another choice. It's either Lisa, whom I will probably never be able to see in person, because she cannot work...and she has said numerous times that even if she could, she wouldn't. She wants to be a housewife. But, she's 19...I'm 23, and I surely am not getting married anytime soon. I need to start something soon...not sit around and talk on the phone while waiting for something to happen a year or so down the road. Or...I could be with JoRae, who I know is already planning on coming here and working, and we'll do it all half and half...what choice do I make? Someone I CAN be with, or someone I can't? I have talked to Lisa a lot more, and I feel much more comfortable with her...I know she is smart, fun to talk to, will definitely be supportive of me, etc...JoRae, on the other hand- major loyalty issues, don't know how much support I can count on her for, trust issues...I feel as tho I need time in general. I need time to think about what I NEED....what I want, all of it. Wanting something, and needing something are two different things. I NEED to be with someone. Not that I can't be alone, I'm just saying, I need something going on...I need someone to do stuff with, someone to share my life with at this point, someone who will be there for me...I don't have that now, and haven't for the longest time...so I NEED that...and soon. At the same time, I want all of that too. I wish all of this wasn't so hard, and I wish both of them understood a little better. Lisa will probably read this and never talk to me again, but it's all true what I'm saying, so if that's the case, then it clearly wasn't meant to be anyhow, right? I have no idea. All I know is that I want to stop thinking about this right now, who to be with, who I can actually be within the next century, all of it...I think I'll go lie down and stare at the wall or something. I'm really nervous in general today as it is. Sucks. I have to go to work at 6, because two people are gonna be gone tonight. Plus, I need to call and see if I can get Thursday off. Nice...