Chatlog with Charlie

by James A. Gardner 


Hey Charlie!

Here's bit of a one-man rave I had tonite/morn in lieu of that letter I promised you. It's
basically my whole life over the last 4 months in a nutshell. 

Hope you're doing well and that you find something in here to like.


Session Start: Sat Jan 13 11:16:09 1996
*** Now talking in #calamus
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
*** sword changes topic to "Every man is a tool unto himself"
*** sword sets mode: +nt 
 Hey Chuck!
 I'm feeling incredibly bizarre tonite at 11:17am Pacific on Sat, Jan 13, 1986.
*** sword is now known as Jim_
 Chuck, I really wanted to reach out to you after our conversation last weekend.
 Your friendship means something to me.
* Jim_ slaps Jim_ around with a North Beach salami! ;-)
 This is an IRC channel I created. I'm alone in it 
 which ain't normal Chuck
* Jim_ is not normal.
 I'm coming to you like this in an attempt to avoid lameness and to share a bit 
of this bizarre world that I'm inhabiting.
 I lost all my records (Leonard Cohen's bummed with me) of an incredible two 
months online 
 Internet Relay Chat
* Jim_ slaps Jim_ around with his bat.
* Jim_ is a Louisville Slugger, now living in San Francisco, CA.
* Jim_ allows Jim_ to hold him tight.
* Jim_ places slugger in Jim_ 's hands.
 oops! Forgot. You're not a homo like me. :)
 :)
* Jim_ smiles.
 :)
* Jim_ smiles.
 again
 Anyway--I'm at home with Holden Caufield's best BUDdies..It ain't duff. I'm a 
pig.
 My body is healing, the creeping horror is on the run. Looks like Doc was right.
 I usually hang on a channel like #gaymilitary. For some reason (yeah, right) 
I've found a few friends there. Some of whom have moved on to other channels, others 
disappeared, others become profound friends in a really 2001: A Space Odyssey sort of 
way. I feel all at once a pioneer, a surf of the digital age --and as I'll relate. A 
tool.
* Play unable to access c:\mirc\birkin.log
 I can play a text file to the room if I get the path right --hold on, BRB (be 
right back)
 The guys in #gaysf, which wd. be a more realistic place for me to hang, is full 
of younger guys i'm not interested in, or IRC twits who take it all too seriously
* Playing c:\mirc\birkin.log to #calamus with 1000ms delay
 Session Start: Fri Jan 12 16:09:53 1996
  we just got this cool coverage 
 in The Red Herring..
  "the red herring" ?
  venture capital magazine
  bigtime 
  the press coverage is rolling in..
  going public?
  it's a "watch these guys they're dealing with ___________" 
 kinda article
  financial independence is NICE
  you're FI aren't you? I knew i wanted to be like you (no matter what 
else 
 you might say bout yourself)
  I can retire poor, but retire
  you have property there and in TN, right?
  what kinda car you drive?
  I drive a small car
  a 68 VW Beetle?
  nevermind, I'm too dang nosey, i know...
  a small foreign car
 * JaySF drives a 1994 Corolla
  it's 5 years old
  25,000 miles
  It's in really good shape
  actually perfect
  i'm expecting the punchline any time now
  I drive a 500 SL Mercedes-Benz
  my third mercedes
  I had you pegged as either a BMW or Mercedes type (nice birkin)
  BMW's are nice if that is all you can afford
  you're incorrigible
  luckily for you i find that compelling
  that is the standard M-B owners joke
  i'd hardly know since i'm just white trash
  the car was only $120 out the door!!!
  my corolla is the first new car i ever owned (leased)
  not counting the 87 Firebird that my company gave me 
 when i was an optician working in Lexington, KY
 Session Close: Fri Jan 12 16:51:45 1996

 Session Start: Fri Jan 12 17:44:05 1996
  you seen vulken's pic?
  don't think so. U send it?
  he's a classic
 Session Close: Fri Jan 12 17:50:18 1996
 Session Start: Sat Jan 13 05:07:44 1996
  dc asked me if i'd seen you earlier...fyi
  I talked to him before he left
  thanks
  gru-v
 Session Close: Sat Jan 13 05:13:14 1996

 Session Start: Sat Jan 13 08:06:27 1996
  what's a tool...haven't heard that 
 one b4 :0
  a tool of the capitalist, a 
 tool of the trade, also .. as in 
 fool. :)
  ok
  thanks
 Session Close: Sat Jan 13 08:09:16 1996
* Playback of c:\mirc\birkin.log complete

 My buddy birkin just called me a tool on channel. 
 When you spend as much time as we do on channel, flirt with and assist each 
other, the company is easy to take for granted.
 Since I swore him off as unlikely, since he lives in _______ among 
other reasons, ole birkin has been acting strange. I've hurt him and I'm so down on 
myself I didn't even know I had the power to.
 It's another in a long list of unlikely involvements for me and I break down to 
see where I'm at.
* Play unable to access c:\mirc\playgay.txt
* Playing c:\mirc\playgay1.txt to #calamus with 1000ms delay
  Jay sent me a list
  the ever helpful and only sometimes bitchy jay
  but, no, birkin did not do anything with it
  I did call the cable-internet guy
  o yeah?
  he has not called back
  he exists?
  cool
  i'd love to plan on having that in a few months
  imagine - with all the snow, he did not call
  yeah, aol was sposed to close with us this week, no one home.
  10Meg transfer rate
 *** Joins: KZ1 (cuses@ecom2.ecn.bgu.edu)
  do me
 *** Parts: KZ1 (cuses@ecom2.ecn.bgu.edu)
  it's funny how the internet makes the world your 
 neighborhood...
  all sorts of possibilities and blind alleys
 *** Joins: aural (graul@ucsu.Colorado.EDU)
  the problem is that they are a Alexandria company and not in 
 Arlington. Just neighbors
  i see
 * birkin might have to move a few miles
 *** Quits: Bill (Leaving)
  damm, he never got my pic
 *** Joins: derekknut (~derekknut@pipe3.h1.usa.pipeline.com)
  Hi Aural
  Howdy!
  Hey, KeinZeit, did you get your bug fixed?
 *** Joins: CANUCK (~none@line2.clo.com)
 * jaysf thinks he'll never know what he missed.
 *** Parts: CANUCK (~none@line2.clo.com)
  fuck no
  still have bug
  KZ is yer bug BIOS related?
  or you just want a large HD
 *** Joins: foneboy (~foneboy@204.166.233.154)
  i think it's just software
  i bought a 1.2 gig a coupla months ago and installed win95 
 at same time and has been downhill since
  so no win95 anymore and am going back to basics
  I know the feeling
  if you can get a BIOS upgrade, things'll work out..but what a 
 hassle.
 *** Parts: foneboy (~foneboy@204.166.233.154)
 *** Joins: HonDa (~A@PPP25.soonet.ca)
 *** Quits: Rustler (Leaving)
  my sergeant spanks me
  cool Hon
 *** Parts: Scrap (pmbattan@rock.me.mtu.edu)
 * jaysf holds birkin down and forces him to drink more coffee.
  so what's your point honda?
  will find out monday, jaysf
  I like gooks
  acer told me the upgrade exists, only question is can i 
 install myself or do i have to drop the unit off. 
  I want to screw every one
  try #gook honda
 *** jaysf sets mode: +b *!*@*.soonet.ca 
 *** HonDa was kicked by jaysf (jaysf)
  like picking cherries
 * birkin thinks Jay's coffee is kicked in
 * jaysf sings the blues in order not to have them.
  i like banning them first, and then kicking them.
  like walking the plank
 *** Joins: BlonD (Billc@204.32.174.147)
  that way they can see what is coming
  best way
  you are such a tool, Jay
  a tool? 
  saves a second kick i think
 *** Quits: BlonD (Connection reset by peer)
 *** Joins: hhh (~hhh@dd09-003.compuserve.com)
 *** Parts: telaviv (~blech@gold-17.hoth.vcx.net)
 * jaysf is a long thick wratchet
  Wow, Compuserve!!
  Have not seen many of those
 * birkin has been sheltered
  Compu$erve isn't TOO bad for an ISP
 *** Quits: derekknut (EOF From client)
  Lt hav eyou noticed I have not lost my server (and the server 
 is not irc.netcom
 * jaysf noticed Hotlanta
 *** Joins: koole (koole@199.183.196.48)
Session Close: Sat Jan 13 11:36:24 1996

Session Start: Sat Jan 13 11:36:53 1996
*** Now talking in #calamus
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
*** Jim_ changes topic to "The Walt Whitman Channel and Why Jim Is a Tool"
*** Jim_ sets mode: +nt 
 wow! I just got kicked...disconnected from the IRC network
 perhaps for playing the text file at too fast a rate.
 Hey! Didn't they know this is my letter to you!
* Jim_ salutes Jim_.
* Jim_ stands at attention when Jim_ speaks.
*** Jim_ is now known as JaySF
 Jay is my cousin's name. I was always jealous of him and since Jim is already 
taken and not quite as cool, I have become for the time being JaySF.
 The beauty of IRC is that you can change nicks at will.
*** JaySF is now known as LuvJay
 My friend Nath, a staff sergeant at Ft. Ord, CA until he shipped to Bosnia on 
Dec 31, adopted this name on his last nite in my honor.
 luvjay...
 My Pop called me during several sessions with Nath, and through me, Pop and 
Nath got to know each other and exchanged war stories and Army lore. Nath played the 
sounds for Pop that shared with you during the phone monster call.
*** LuvJay is now known as cooljay
 That's for a while
 I'm listening to Dylan biography, Visions of Johannes, hahahaha! 
===========;>)
*** cooljay is now known as Dylan
*** Dylan is now known as Zimmie
 Anyhow, 
 the rest of the story is pretty boring...so typical of my failed relationships 
with other humans. I am the garbage of the 20th century
* Playing c:\mirc\playgay2.txt to #calamus with 5000ms delay
  Yes, noticed that
 * jaysf slaps birkin around with a North Beach salami! ;-)
  If they will have me I use them again.
  "The light is the law and the reproofs of instruction are the 
 way of life"
  ho-hum
  :)
 Basically I asked birkin what he meant by TOOL
  "take a ride with me now baby:
  Well guys. it's bed time.. See you all tomorrow
 *** Parts: LtSMD (lynx@129.71.52.221)
  Jay drove the LT off
  i doubt that
 * KeinZeit guesses he was 
 so nasty to nathan8va 
 last nite that he left 
 irc tonight every time i 
 tried to join a channel 
 he was in....jeez
  i'm there in WV 
 Editor's note: KeinZeit and nathan8va are tortured closet faggots.
 with him now
  :)
  We are here for 
 you KZ  :)
 *** Parts: koole (koole@199.183.196.48)
  lol
*** Zimmie is now known as PlayText
 * KeinZeit needs to be 
 here or somewhere for 
 himself
  hehe
* PlayText : Am I the living bra or what?
  How can you be two places at once when you are not anywhere 
 at all?
  go ask alice
  firesign theather
  well, how can you be married to a woman forever, be a 
 recovered alcoholic and fall in love with a drunk and start 
 drinking all over again and balance half the week at the man's 
 place and still keep the wife happy?
 * KeinZeit shouldn't have said that....he retracts it
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
  lol
 *** Joins: hey (levied@ip193.prc.primenet.com)
 *** Parts: hey (levied@ip193.prc.primenet.com)
  It would take a better man than me
  for the wife part
 *** Joins: CloneBtUK (~ask@am122.du.pipex.com)
  wife is nice...wish she had a dick
*** PlayText changes topic to "I Dream'd Love Was As Thick As Trees Along the Rivers of 
America (I might've been delusional)"
 * jaysf is very afraid now.
  :)
  trade the dickhead for a dick
 * birkin says "Be afraid. Be VERY afraid"
  "Only the strong survive"
  "I feel your pain, son" - B. Clinton
 *** Quits: CloneBtUK (Leaving)
 * birkin is making jokes KZ
 *** Joins: Scrap (pmbattan@rock.me.mtu.edu)
 Here's where Jim indicates he didn't like birkin's definition of a tool as a 
fool:
 * jaysf thinks it sux when the jokes on him.
  I think he is off somewhere in Houston
 here's where birkin tells Jim to fuck off: 
  It's no joke then..........
 *** Quits: Scrap (Leaving)
 *** Quits: aural (Leaving)
  I'm back!! just talkin' to some of my fellow Native 
 Americans. :)
  Just in time for me to exit to bed H25
  You guys hold down the fort
  what? so early?? wimp! (g)
 * birkin is a wimp
 *** Parts: birkin (~birkin@ix.netcom.com)
  no your not!!!
 Session Close: Sat Jan 13 08:17:19 1996
* Playback of c:\mirc\playgay2.txt complete
 Sigh...
*** PlayText is now known as JimGardne
*** JimGardne is now known as JaySF
 so be it, make it so...
 It is now 11:52Pacific
 So I had a long conversation with my friend Bill, who goes by various names. In 
this interview he is Rainbwman, an odd evolution from his earlier incarnation as 
ArmyMan -- a sheerly fetishist nickname for him since he's 24, not military, and 
caring for a 40-year old lover who is just entering full-blown AIDS.
 I have lost all correspondences from my hard disk and feel a tremendous sense 
of remorse. Chuck what in hell is happening? I can't figure myself out at all.
 All I know is that I'm out here fucking up a great thing without my full wits. 
What is left of a very cocky asshole who is now an old fart before his time.
 A current country song goes:"I'm much too young to feel this damn old."
 But I'm more in that Joe Jackson mode: "and miracles will happen soon in 
tomorrow's world."
 Here's my friend Mr. Bill. Who, in all his troubles, tries to help me:
* Playing c:\mirc\rainbwman.log to #calamus with 1000ms delay
 Session Start: Sat Jan 13 04:53:46 1996
  hey
  I hope the process of recreation is going well..
  i'm downloading the world
  Hopefully your friends keep good records :-)
  it's happened before...the core logs w/ Will are safe..that's 
 what i care of most, and well, the birkin logs are telling but 
 ...gone...plus the 15 pix he sent.
  15?? 
  i know
  well quite honestly.. I think it would be too horrible if 
 you didn't remember that one so well..
  not at all...
  oops.. that was wouldn't be too horrible..
  i have no intention of forgetting birkin. 
  the good news is i masturbated today for the first time in 2.5 
 months
  Really now?  that *is* good news!
  does this mean that you are feeling better about yourself?
  you there?
  the skin is healing better since i started working out and 
 lotioning last fri
  Well I'm glad to hear that the physical is improving.. gonna help 
 moving on be a lot easier..
  no doubt...i start tae kwon do this week if everything works out...i'll 
be 
 a centered sage in no time "...as i have done"
  sure you will.. it's really great to see you in this 'mode'.. gonna 
be 
 some exciting stuff goin on.. :-)
  yeah, work cycle is going into "round the clock mode" -i missed the 
 opportunity of the holidays. Working out is my only social focus and 
possibility 
 since i'm also cash poor. 
  and i'm already paying for the Y
  Well you never know who you may run into at the Y ;-)
  j/o boys mostly, BTDT (been there, done that)
  but there are TONS of men cruising the steamrooms.
  Well you just never know when a guy of your caliber will show up.. 
 after all.. you are there..
  yes---it's a good choice for me since it's not the main *gay* gym, but the 
 YMCA in a sophisticated city. ANd it has a pool...i've been a distance 
 breastroke swimmer in the past.
  lots of buff banker boys
  Well one of these days I'm gonna be hearing about some great guy.. 
 just waiting for his name bud..
  no doubt true :)
  *hugs*
  maybe 
  maybe?
  "And though my friends just might ask me, They say, "Martin maybe someday you'll find true love," and I 
 say... maybe, there must be a solution to the one thing we can't find" ---- wail>------ sisters and brothers, shd. help each other, oooOOOOOoooo" ABC, "The 
 Look of Love", 1981
  what are you doing?
  Just working on my WWW page and chattin with you
  why?
  no partickula reason
 Session Close: Sat Jan 13 06:15:07 1996

*Bill gets disconnected when Manuel picks up the phone line to make a call.
 Session Start: Sat Jan 13 06:15:54 1996
  icky
  He normally checks before he does that.. but I guess he 
 saw me working on the WWW page and thought it was safe..
  Oh well.. gotta love him ;-)
  he didn't know you were a PowerUser(tm)
  He *should* know by now!!!!!
  so what did I miss.. you said.. "What are you doing?" and 
 then I went bye-bye :-)
  nothing at all, i'm in a 'puter-induced coma
  I see... maybe a walk in the hood would help..
Session Close: Sat Jan 13 11:59:35 1996

Session Start: Sat Jan 13 11:59:54 1996
*** Now talking in #calamus
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
*** JaySF changes topic to ""Whoever you are holding me now in hand.."
*** JaySF sets mode: +nt 
 hey, it's 1996 and I just got kicked again...
 keep forgetting to set the playback slow enough so that the server doesn't 
kick me
* JaySF notes that Bill switches nicknames cause it really sux to have to type 
"rainbwman"
* Playing c:\mirc\rm.log to #calamus with 5000ms delay
 Session Start: Sat Jan 13 07:53:07 1996
  done
  well pleasant can still be done.. just a horrible detour getting there
  it frustrates me that love and friendship are so hard for gay men..
  yes.. and sex comes way too easily
  I used to like sex. :) 
  me too :-)
  I still do..but after Will...well, you know. It's always what I wanted. 
 and still do.
  I told you about what I said to Allen the cowboy, right?
  I don't think so..
  ?
  "new tears to cry, old songs to sing, and be forever blue."
  Allen takes things that are said and interprets them to his advantage
  it's a long story
  forever is a long time to agonize over someone you can't have
  i told him i was considering therapy
  he reacted against it and said "I can counsel you" 
  practically ordered me to go with him to a support group for HIV-
  and then started to critique my net time (without knowing even the 
first 
 thing about it or me)
* JaySF was quoting Chris Isaak, which was on the spinner..."and be forever blue..
  And what did you say to all of this?
  i said: "Is there any chance you're a control freak. you're awful 
bossy"
  he excused himself
  i said fine
  what does it mean to call someone "a tool"
  I see
  "jaysf you're such a tool"
 birkin called me a tool, a capitalist tool
  ??
  I have not a clue...
  I'm curious as to why Allen is bothering you?
 I still can't believe it, Chuck. Buddy
   he wants my HLB
  Websters says:  tool: a person manipulated by another for the latter's own 
 Am I that big an asshole aside from being a weird fuck
 ends
  he is yet another person who mistakes vulnerability for weakness
  yeah, thanks. it means fool.
* JaySF notes that HLB =hot little body. It's a Will thing. go with it.
  people who prey on either need to see a counselor themselves
  I didn't mean "why does he want you?".. I meant why is this bothering you?
  because he tried to manipulate me
  OK.. but you saw that.. and handeled it
  definitely
  then you have the best possible outcome of such a sitation
  early on with Allen i made a remark about liking "hot daddies" by which i 
 meant hot adult men.
  he later said with a sneer: "Thought you said you were a bottom"
  what an ass
  O.K.  =grin
* JaySF wasn't Allen's tool. that's fer sure and birkin overestimates himself.
  what a sexist pig
 * RM often wonders why people attempt to limit themelves and others
 * jaysf wonders why birkin just called him a fool.
  he called you a fool?
  yep
  what were you talking about?
  it's unimportant, i was just being myself
 Chuck: In this meaningless existence, I think the universe turns logic aside: 
Everything happens for a reason.
  I wonder why he wanted to hurt me at that particular moment.
  *hug*
  o well, fuck him. 
  "guess he went and aced me" 
 * RM concurs
  it's one of those you're here all the time so i'll take you for granted 
 cuts he made
* JaySF thinks he's been *ACED* once too often.
  that's a normal part of human nature.. it's tough to avoid that in the 
         real world.. IRC just makes it worse
  i rarely hurt people on purpose
  do you really belive that birkin means to hurt people?
  no
  i think he meant he thinks i'm a tool..for helping him so freely when he's such
 an asshole.
  and what do you think?
  i have no idea where he's coming from, not enough info
  I mean do you think that you are a tool?
  funny, he just got thru reaching out to me in the last week..it'll 
 probably come out in the wash
  if it means i'm a naive person, a believer in causes, and an enthusiast 
 on channel...yes
* JaySF notes that at 12:08am, Jan 14, 1996, he thinks that birkin was probably right. 
If not for the right reasons.
  i wouldn't change that
  nor should you.. those are the marks of a good man
  i feel what i do for a living advances knowledge and have been more 
than 
 generous helping birkin learn his stuff.
  he's free to take or leave the friendship...i'm always offering 
  i doubt whether birkin has the guts to see jaysf clear..honestly
  You know of course I have no idea on the birkin issue.. we have barely met...
  Session Start: Sat Jan 13 08:06:27 1996 what's a tool...haven't 
 heard that one b4 :0 a tool of the capitalist, a tool of the trade, also 
 .. as in fool. :) ok thanksSession Close: Sat Jan 13 08:09:16 
 1996
  who knows...
  i'm going to get stoned and cry, but not over birkin
  what I do know is that you need to protect yourself.. that means if people 
*** JaySF sets mode: +l 1996 
 are abusive, you shut them out and move on
  you did that with Will..
  he hasn't been abusive..he's been kinda cool actually
  did what with will?
  you helped Will out of abuse..
  yeah
  being cool and treating someone badly on the side is not cool..
  i guess it depends on whether he bothers to explain himself
  i sure as hell won't be asking
  Well you know this one far better than I..
  you know, IRC and chat are funny this way
  a guy like birkin is being someone he wouldn't/couldn't be before 
* JaySF is reminded that birkin said "Then it's not a joke ..."
  and he's undeveloped emotionally, admittedly, 
  when he says he's a bastard i have to believe him
  he's no longer in a position to hurt me
  that's why i ask: I wonder why HE wanted to hurt ME at that particular 
 moment.
  it's curious
  maybe you have hurt him
 Chuck: I'm so full of shit it's hopebirkins.
  i have
  then wouldn't it be natural for him to act in such a way?
  yeah, except when he hurt me that once I gave him the courtesy of 
telling 
 him.
  and, honestly, in this state i'm incapable of picturing myself as 
having 
 the POWER to hurt him.
  so maybe he still hurts
  these are all real possibilities, Bill.
  It's hard to go beyond friendship and then come back
  well-when he said i think you misread me (which was BS), i said, well 
 here's what I read: "You're someone i like intellectually, who shares the 
 net passion, and who, if timing were right and God willing, i'd be willing 
 to meet"
  he said: " it could happen."
  on Monday, i called him at home from work and we talked for a 1/2 
 hour
  about Smart Bookmarks
  i've probably done too much with the email forwards and shit
  i give people the creeps i guess
  I doubt that.. I think that when they see the real possibilites, they 
 get scared.. that isn't about you Jim
  hey, so many men have filled the role in my mind, the idea fixe, that 
 birkin has played for a few weeks...
  i have always been a dangerous book that can be taken off and put 
 back on the shelf
  it's an archetype that involves me fully
  did you know that gay men are often shamans in many indigenous 
 cultures, including the pre-Xtian european ones?
  no I didn't know that.
  and that in other cultures, they were further distinguished by 
 warrior-shaman and gatherer-planeter-shaman (more women's role)
  i've done quite a study in Jungian psychoanalysis, dream work, 
 comparative mythologies.
  the nightwatch poems are an Orphic initiation cycle
  in which the protagonist experiences the death of social derision
  ie
  "who will bear the labor of the cold glint in the ax-light of a water 
 glass at mealtime" is like when you're at a restaurant with Manuel and the 
 stares tire you, dismay you, frighten you, anger you
  homophobia wears us down despite courageous effort
  "if we should fall taking conquest of fear for power, let us remember 
 our first meeting..
  thus, someone who strikes out at me, after having wanted friendship, 
 pursued it brazenly, affectionately, is experiencing a crisis in faith 
 under duress
* JaySF corrects the line: it is "first meeting's courage"
  you're right. it's NOT about me
  fool or not
  but the hero in the drama always gets a chance to recover from 
 error..so long as that error is a weakness and not a baseline character 
 fault
  the Whitman stuff reeks of such initiatory practices
  what is this fault you think you have.. the ability to want love that is 
 bigger than anything?
 I REPEAT 
* JaySF is a tool.
 Websters says:  "tool: a person manipulated by another for the latter's own  
ends"
  well, i was referring to birkin' fault ...the fault of a motivation to 
 hurt me for no good reason when i don't deserve it..
  apparently, when he was using netscape mail (which i dont use) i was 
 impatient while he tried to figure how to make an address book entry
*** Invalid sound filename
  you assume again that he wants to hurt you
  why else do you call someone a fool.
  and the word tool probably has specific meaning, since he thinks i'm 
 a liberal..
  he was probably angry... I know I say all sorts of things I regret later 
 when I'm angry
  i know he cares for me.
  i don't know if that means anything
  It means he cares for you.  period.
* JaySF notes that birkin is a nuclear engineer working for a large nuclear utility. How 
unlikely is that, Chuck?
  we'll see ...cause now i'm resolved to avoid him.
  he has this new saying that puzzles me.
  "birkin is so hot for jaysf, but he's so cold.."  takeoff>
  once again, i count myself confused
  he knows it gets me cause i've responded several times
  ??
  weird
  very...
  is he saying he thinks that *you* are holding back?
  it's not what you'd picture the real situation as, right? 
  i have no idea.
  truly puzzling
  Perhaps a little talking without riddles is in order :-)
 Not as weird as being stoned out of your mind at 12:18am, Sunday Jan 14 talking 
to yourself on the Internet.
  since i over-analyze everything i don't feel at liberty to ask that.
  it'd be a bad move
  too jay-like a move
  I tell ya.. I could never do that in real life.. I would go crazy.. I 
 need to know where I stand
* JaySF wonders why Jay hates himself so much.
  i'm going to withdraw, get a life, work on my art and martial arts, 
 heal myself, and hey, birkin has every phone number and email 
* JaySF is a Louisville Slugger, now living in San Francisco, CA.
 address i possess. and a map to my house
* JaySF is 34, 5'7", 140 clean cut thin brn hzl, hairy chest. Semi-handsome, very single and 
living in San Francisco, CA.
  yeah, but Bill, the soonest we could meet would be April and we are 
 both in need.
  i don't think the dc30 thing worked out for birkin and sam.
  would it even be wise to do that?
  we both have immediate needs and the shadows are too long
  i'd do it
  but only cause i know i can afford to sidetrack to louisville
  I would think that one through real well.. if the guy doesn't even know 
 if he wants to be with you or not, it's not a real good start
* JaySF notes that birkin sent him a t-shirt, his business card, and a 58-part email 
message with a map of San Francisco pinpointing my exact location.
  well, it's a long time til then. i'm not planning on it and the 
 invite hasn't been mentioned in a month.
  it wont be jay that brings it up
  Jim.. how do you think he is going to react if he does want you.. if you 
 suddenly drop it???
  i'm not going to disappear. he knows where to find me.
  right now--he owes me an explanation.
  he can give it or not
  Time will tell
  indeed it shall
* JaySF has lost the courage of his convictions in moving to San Francisco and birkin has 
represented the dream of a simple, Virginia shepherd or some such 
citizen-soldier-comrade fantasy that is getting phoney. (YOKO)
  suffice it to say, that in the next days, i'm moving to eliminate 
 some of the dissipating forces swirling around me from my life
  nothing to do with birkin
  you need to remember though that birkin (and anyone else) will never be 
 Will
* JaySF says to Chuck: THE NEW LIFE STARTS HEREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!
  i find that encouraging actually
  you watch star trek:TNG?
  I can see why...
  yup.. love TNG
  love is never the same twice
  the episode where young Will loses his first love, he says to Guinan, 
 "it'll never be the same"
  she replies, "you're right, it wont"
  he's taken aback. "I didn't expect you to say that." She smiles knowingly.
  she says: "love is different every time..." and goes on to say how 
 fortunate
  that is
* JaySF sings Joe: "WELL THEY SAY IT'S A TRAGIC STORY, BUT HE WENT DOWN IN A BLAZE OF 
GLORY"
  sure... whoppie is very wise :-)
  it means what was with my Will is SPECIAL...profoundly meaningful, but 
 that I can move on now.
  it's ok to move on
* JaySF knows that he may be an angel in flames.
  yes.. but are you ready to do that?
  no, but not because of will, because of what i do to myself, how i am 
 wounded, how i have issues, how i'm not fit company for a dog much less a 
 man
 "He went out in a blaze of glory, but you and I, you and I just FADE AWAY" Sing 
it Joe..
  the reason i have to withdraw is because i bring nothing of interest 
 to the table as a weakened, addle-minded irc head.
  if someone doesn't respect me they're off the list, same thing for 
 desire me...
  but if i can't be kinder to myself, well...nothing will work out
  You know every last answer Jim.. the time for action is here..
  if you have issues that you can't deal with, seek help
  i'm doing that in several ways
  for the next 12 weeks i'm in training. :)
 Websters says:  "tool: a person manipulated by another for the latter's own  
ends"
  it's a good start
*** Invalid sound filename
  i think that if i am in despair, it will be better if i punish myself 
 with juice, water, working out, working hard, and such....than what comes 
 easy, ie...cigarettes, pot and coffee
  and self-pity
  covering up despair never did anyone any good
 sound booboo.wav Hey there little bear, why the long face? :(
  not covering
  stopping the indulging in
  addressing the issues would work better to bring resolution
  to do that, it's going to take a change in behavior.
  can you hang on a few mins...it's ok if you need to go.
  ?
  BRB
  I will be here Jim
* JaySF walks down to the corner of 16th@Guerrero and buys a pack of Marlboro 
Lights...discussing quitting smoking or doing anything positive means I smoke more, 
drink more coffee. I didn't eat food on Jan 13, 1996.
  BAK
  welcome back
* JaySF reminds himself he once promised not to smoke in the 1980s. rolling on the 
floor (ROTF)
  in searching the recorded words of 
 Jesus for a mention of support for old 
 testament injunctions against homosex...some 
 scholars have focused on the phrase "Do not 
 call thy brother Racha."
  King Jas Bible translates that as "fool"
  ok
  liberation theologists point out the 
 Hebrew noun means more "effeminate, paramour, 
 catamite, fag, sissy"
  so an injuncion against terms rather than 
 persons
  yes
 Chuck: I have no idea what the word Racha means. I read it somewhere.
  it's the sin of sodom (inhospitality) in a lesser form..the sin of 
 unkindness out of boredom
  ROTF
  
  words have lots of power.. too much perhaps
  i renounced any claim or clinging to birkin two weeks 
 ago..
  he's been moving towards me ever since
  does he know that you were backing down?
  don't know, it's possible...you know IRC
* JaySF bullshits himself again: Sting, If you love someone set them free.
  i'm still very interested in knowing this man..but 
 as birkin likes to say 
 "Be afraid. Be VERY afraid."
 i'm not cutting any deals all the same, Bill
  I understand..
  "to live a love, you gotta give a love, to give a 
 love you gotta be part of..."A Man Needs a Maid" neil 
 young
  It's all rather perplexing
  i think i understand and it leaves me 
 feeling very strong, detached, familiar, 
* JaySF counts himself confused, Chuck.
 compassionate...
  sometimes the strong are mighty unhappy
  there is a time for strength, and a time 
 for honesty
 "Only the strong surive" birkin
  ahh, happiness
  "the bitterest pill is mine to take, if 
 i took it for a 100 years i couldn't feel 
 anymore hate..." The Jam, Paul Weller
 to everything turn, turn, there is a season, turn turn..
  I mean what is the point of all this Jim 
 if in the end you are unhappy?
  You have been happy before.. you know it 
 is doable
  happy is not in my control...what will 
 suffice is enough
  but happy *is* in your control
  what suffices makes me happy
  what do you mean by "all this."
  This as in birkin and allen and I would 
 imagine others that are close to you.. if you 
 don't belive in yourself you will never trust 
 that they belive in you
* JaySF i think a little ezra pound comes out and i bore everyone within 3000 internet 
miles. (very far)
  i do believe in myself, i never said i 
 didn't
* JaySF lies to the kid..
  i have doubts
  like any man
 thinks about Ginsberg....who be kind to..
  and at this point in life i'm at a fork
  yes.. you have serious doubts.. doubts 
 that love will ever again be real, and scared 
 that it may be
  i have no reason to trust allen, and as 
 for birkin, i don't know what to think, but i've 
* JaySF reminds Chuck of "Nineteen Forever"
 been trusting him as much as i can afford to
  i'm not scared that love is real
  love IS real
  OK.. so maybe I'm projecting :-)
  very possibly :)
 "I lose my fear of war and dying, 
  I've often thought that about my 
 relationship with Manuel... that I have kept 
 it at a lower level to avoid being profoundly 
 hurt like with Christopher "Only my mirror sees my crying, each time I lose another year.
  it's hard to say
  I've been working on it.. I don't want that..
 WOULDNT IT BE A DRAG TO BE LIKE THEM?
  no, definitely
  I'm going to head off to bed now Jim.. it 
 was nice sharing with you as always
  I hope that talking helps you sort it out 
 IM GOING TO STAY NINETEEN FOREVER
 at least a little bit
  Goodnight, Bill. take care of ya
 WE CAN DO MAGIC IN THESE TIMES
  it does
  very much
  **HUGS**
* JaySF THINKS HIS FRIEND CHARLIE KRAMER IS ALREADY A ROCK-N-ROLL STAR.
  =) smooch
  :-)
 Session Close: Sat Jan 13 10:14:03 1996
* Playback of c:\mirc\rm.log complete
 "but i got something to keep me wired, so we can dance the night away..
 Thinks it's a drag to be like him. 
 If i was a tool
 "there gonna sell out everything
 YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, YOU KNOW MY DREAM'S STILL ALIVE
 you can lump it or leave it, but i'm never going to be 35
  wish you were here charlie, and not just because i'm alone.
Session Close: Sat Jan 13 12:35:25 1996

Session Start: Sat Jan 13 12:36:40 1996
*** Now talking in #calamus
 I can't go to sleep and don't know what else to do
 Bear with me. I may not even have the guts to send this to you. As accurately 
as it may depict me.
 "Do No Harm, JaySF" used to be one of my macros. 
 Nice guys finish last. Only the strong survive. 
 Websters says:  "tool: a person manipulated by another for the latter's own  
ends"
 You and I both know that if Jim Gardner gets manipulated he probably gets it in 
his due measure according to what he has so callously given.
 For every masochist is also a perfect sadist. 
 no kink implied
 NORTH AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT
 WESTERN HEMISPHERE
 EARTH
 "there's a planet that's great and wide, that's got the biggest of everything..
* JaySF thinks the bank is open and he can draw for guns to fight in his backyard.
 The Mission is murder city, daddy-o. How bohemian is that? ;-)
 ANOTHER BLOW AGAINST THE EVIL EMPIRE
 
 I'm jamming because I don't know what else to do
 That kid in Dead Poet's Society: "Gotta do more, gotta be more"
Session Close: Sat Jan 13 12:45:09 1996

Session Start: Sat Jan 13 12:45:14 1996
*** Now talking in #calamus
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
*** JaySF changes topic to "The Green Man lives..."
*** JaySF sets mode: +nt 
 "you think you're smart stupid --shoot that poison arrow through my heart."
 Here's some poems -- haiku -- from my friend Britta Matthews.
*** Joins: bobo (Guitar@ppp7.IdOLA.net.id)
 Hello
* Playing c:\mirc\mosquito.txt to #calamus with 5000ms delay
 The Mosquito Haiku
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
 by Britta Matthews
* JaySF smiles.
 I. 
 Here I sit--outdoors
 The mosquitos eat my toes
 Is twilight worth it? 
 I'm using this channel to write a letter to my friend in Kentucky, Charlie, a 
guitarist.
 II. 
*** Quits: bobo (bobo)
 Murder mysteries--
 ROTF
 Method, opportunity,
 Motive, solution. 
 III. 
 The fog rolling in...
 Cool, clammy yet comforting.
 But, no stars tonight. 
 IV. 
 Cut my hair all off
 Baldness is not curable
 Chemotherapy. 
 V. 
 Batteries bring light.
 I broke my flashlight tonight.
 Now I wait for dawn. 
 VI. 
 All praise the fire god
 Not light, but charred animals.
 It's a barbeque. 
 And now a haiku from hormone hell-- 
 VIII. 
 Big moon means big pills.
 Monthly they take away pain.
 Cramps are such a bitch. 
 Created: 1995 by Britta Matthews, edited for HTML by James Gardner 
 [Pen & Sword Contents] 
 [Copyright ©1995, Pen & Sword] 
Session Close: Sat Jan 13 12:52:43 1996

Session Start: Sat Jan 13 12:52:48 1996
*** Now talking in #calamus
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
 [Return to Pen & Sword Home] 
 [Write the Author] 
*** JaySF changes topic to "Wish upon a star that might help.."
*** JaySF sets mode: +nt 
* Playing c:\mirc\looklove.txt to #calamus with 1000ms delay
  >>vulken used to have white briefs...not sure what color they 
 resemble now...  =)
 *** Joins: br (rosenkrb@136.218.200.2)
  wow hat long?
 *** Joins: LIKE2FIGH (like2fight@205.241.147.11)
 *** Parts: Joe-boy (Donaldz@mariner.cris.com)
 * jaysf has the the look of love.
  And what a look it is.
  :)
 -> *vulken* you're sweet.
 * jaysf allows vulken to hold him tight.
  hello
  >>vulken hugs jaysf gently. 
 :)
  
 *** Parts: LIKE2FIGH (like2fight@205.241.147.11)
 *** Joins: TomM (~Tmil@ad58-007.compuserve.com)
  Anyone in So Cal?
  Hi!  I really like military 
 guys a LOT! Wanna talk?
 *** Parts: TomM (~Tmil@ad58-007.compuserve.com)
  North Hollywood..TomM. 
 Where are you?
  Bye, TomM...
  gotta be quick
* Playback of c:\mirc\looklove.txt complete
 "No, I won't be told, there's a crock of gold at the end of the rainbow"
 ABC
 "Cheap cut satin and bad perfume, showtime is almost here! --Elvis the Costello
 Chuck: My mind really works (or doesn't) like this. Snippets, quotes, bits of 
melody, despair....
 Websters says:  "tool: a person manipulated by another for the latter's own  
ends"
 *************
 ************* "Sentimental powers might help you now/But skip the hearts and 
flowers, skip the ivory towers/You'll be disappointed and I'll lose a friend."
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
*** JaySF sets mode: +l 1996 
 I've been living in the past. I've changed for sure and am less an impostor at 
the moment than I was an hour ago. The past?
 That was then =========== but this is now
Session Start: Sat Jan 13 13:07:43 1996
*** Joins: CKramer (charlie@kramer.anyhow.net)
*** Now talking in #calamus
 Hey Charlie! let's burn one and hang out til near dawn with that pressure tight 
around our foreheads and the smell of always postponed aspirations in our eyes.
 "The phase of the age of the time. The new life starts HEAHRR"
*** Parts: CKramer (charlie@kramer.anyhow.net)
Session Close: Sat Jan 13 13:09:04 1996

* JaySF thinks that Elvis has left the building. :)
 God, I'm really sick. 
 I used to listen to S.O.S by ABC and think of David Carrico and wonder what the 
future had in store for me. 
 I was so twenty. So fresh. Such a nice kid really.
 "why does this message always have to be SOS? SOS? One cool million for one 
cool caress."
 "so here we are still drifting on an open sea, so here we are..
 for all we know, and then again, we know
 for all we know, and then again, I know
 I know
 ....one cool million for one so possessed."
 
 Until the Corn Flakes (tm) grow out of your ears/you'll be surrounded by the 
years/remember this mid-life crisis/and smile fondly at yourself/
 Websters says:  "tool: a person manipulated by another for the latter's own  
ends"
 Here's an email I got from a guy nick of Sean. 
 He has an apartment here in downtown San Francisco.
* Playing c:\mirc\deepvast.txt to #calamus with 1000ms delay
 Subject: Fwd: Deep waters...
 Date: Sat, 13 Jan 1996 21:06:33 GMT
 Subject:     Deep waters...
 Sent:        01/02  11:25 AM
 Received:    01/02  11:25 AM
 Chat on Jan 1, 1996:
 >
 >
 >>Date: Mon, 1 Jan 1996 21:08:56 -0800 (PST)
 >>From: someguy@sfo.com
 >>Subject: Deep waters...
 >>To: "jay" 
 >>
 >>Sir James,
 >>
 >>Whoa...me thinks the wind has brought me over some deep waters!  Trey cool!
 >>What you've put together is quite impressive!  I spent only about 35 minutes
 >>there tonight, and can see that i must spend much more time to do the work
 >>justice.  Pleased to have made your acquaintance and thanks for giving me to
 >>opportunity to see your work, both literary and electronic.
 >>
 >>By the by, i don't know if you know it or not, but the Army JAG branch
 insignia
 >>is a quill PEN specifically set over a SWORD atop a wreath...for the pen is
 >>mightier than the sword, and the wreath is meant to represent knowledge.
 >>Interesting to see the Pen and the Sword on James A. Gardner's homepage.
 >>Twilight zone coincidence, or what?  And when were you a nightwatchman, or
 are
 >>you now, in a figurative sense?
 >>
 >>My book, published this past April by Some Press, is entitled
 >>"****!"  It's my coming out story, and is set against the issue of
 >>discrimination against gays in the military, and, in particular, how i
 handled
 >>being a gay army prosecutor, charged with kicking myself and others like
 me out.
 >> You'll find entirely too much about me in it.  Sean's been my pen name for
 >>years, my real one is Sean E.  Looking forward to coffee.
 >>
 >>Cheers, jas.  (Or shall i say Sean?)
 >>
 >>
 >
 ============================================
  "We must forever conduct our struggle on
 the high plane of dignity and discipline."
            Martin Luther King, Jr.
      "I Have A Dream"  August 28, 1963
 =============================================
* Playback of c:\mirc\deepvast.txt complete
 ROTFLMAO
 my fuckin' ass off..
* JaySF allows JaySF to hold him tight.
* JaySF salutes JaySF.
* JaySF stands at attention when JaySF speaks.
* JaySF thinks JaySF has it going on.
* JaySF excuses JaySF from actively participating.
 sosumi
Session Close: Sat Jan 13 13:19:09 1996

Session Start: Sat Jan 13 13:19:13 1996
*** Now talking in #calamus
*** Retrieving #calamus channel info...
*** JaySF changes topic to "An approach to a kinder, gentler America...."
*** JaySF sets mode: +nt 
 }:->
* JaySF thinks ABC kinda sucks in retrospect but it was a phaser/ager anyway.




Well, Chuck, I'm offline and it's 3am. I still don't have any answers for what is 
bothering me--maybe if I lay down sleep and a few hours of peace will come.

I'm heading to the Y in the morning i hope. Anything besides hanging out on IRC. I hope that 
this wank session didn't come off any weirder than my actual presence in your life over the
years. Although I know at times it's been hard to want to care.

You were always there to give and share.

Your pal,

Jim
©1996, by James A. Gardner

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