From Rivendell to Lothlorien:  A Very Strange Trek

And so the fellowship set out from Rivendell with the Nazgul not too far behind.  While riding swiftly after their prey the Nazgul sang a song of war to speed them on their journey:

(Sung to Little Bunny FooFoo)
We are the Nazgul, riding through the forest
Looking for Frodo, and his silly ring.

Presently the leader of the Nazgul fell off his horse and got his cloak stuck in a thorn bush. The other eight riders dismounted to help their leader and became entangled themselves.

As the fellowship continued on their trip Boromir was waging a war with himself.  “I want that ring, I need it.”  “No it’s evil.” “It will be mine.” “Oh, shut up already.”

Boromir snapped out of his trance just as the blizzard on that blasted mountain with the long name brought their small group to a halt. Since the group decided to turn around and travel through Moria, Aragorn and Boromir began plowing a path back through the snow.  Merry shouted, “Aragorn, hurry up! The hairs on my feet are freezing over and my underwear are getting wet!”

They finally made it down the mountain with Merry grumbling the whole time (and tugging on his undies).  The retreat towards Moria was going fine until the Fellowship was attached by wolves.  Legolas noched an arrow to his bow and let fly a shot, and missed. “Darn,” he muttered.  He aimed and shot again, and missed!? When Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli and Gandalf were done slaying the wolves, Gandalf turned to the elf, “I thought you were picked for this journey as you were a great warrior, highly skilled with the bow. How is it you keep missing your mark?”

Legolas, looking slightly pink, mumbled, “I’ve always carried the bow around because it looked so well with my clothes.  I didn’t think I would actually have to use it.”

Eventually they arrived at the gates of Moria, however they found the doors shut.  Gandalf tried spell after spell and was about it give up when Frodo, reading the inscription above the door asked, “Gandalf, what is the elvish word for friend?” “I’m not sure” said Gandalf, “um, amigos?”

“Frodo, the word is Mellon,” said Legolas. “Oh you mean like watermelon,” said Frodo, and with that the doors swung open.



The group climbed up and down the stairs through the different levels of Moria.  When they reached the Chamber of Records, Gimli knelt down and cried out, “No, Balin, Gimli is going to be so upset to hear of your death.”  “But you’re Gimli,” shouted Pippin. “Oops, I guess my secret is out. I am Gimli’s twin sister Gimlite.  I tied Gimli up and stuck him in a broom closet before we set out from Rivendell.”

“No matter,” said Gandalf. “We had better make our way through here as quickly and quietly as we...”  Gandalf was suddenly interrupted when Pippin tripped and fell down a well.  “Poor Pippin” said Merry, “cut down in the prime of his life.” “Um, Merry,” called a voice up from the well.  “I’m not quite dead yet.” “Could you throw me a rope?” “Sorry” yelled Sam, “I left it all with Bill the pony. We will come back for you after the quest, if we remember, that is.”

Just then, orcs rushed towards them. Boromir and Aragorn fought off the orcs as Legolas tried to hit something with his arrows.  Aragorn was skewering one orc after another when his sword lodged in the chest of one orc and would not come out. He pushed and pulled and pushed but it would’nt come out. So he continued to fight, swinging the sword back and forth with the orc still attached and doing little damage. 

Gandalf ran ahead leading them towards the bridge leading out of Moria. He urged the others on across the bridge and turned around to stick his tongue out at the orcs when he suddenly tripped on his cloak and hurtled over the bridge into the abyss. 

As they regrouped outside Moria Boromir asked, “Aragorn, how are we going to explain that we have lost our wizard?” “This is not good,” grumbled Aragorn, “we can’t go around telling everyone he tripped over his own feet.”  “Let’s continue on,” said Legolas, “I’m sure we can think up some terrible foe and make a decent story to tell anyone who asks questions.”

The small group reached the eaves of Lothlorien. Legolas could be heard muttering to the others over and over, “remember it was a Balrog... a Balrog.”