Chapter 51

Taylor opened his eyes and looked over at the clock.  It read 5:21.

He'd had the most disturbing dream he'd had since it had happened.  And yet, it had also been the best dream he'd had in months.  He was sitting at the piano singing.  Just singing.  He couldn't recall even what song it was, only the feeling of his own voice pouring forth from his mouth and the feeling it gave him.  He didn't know if he was on a stage or in a studio or floating in the middle of the ocean, only that a song was coming out of him.  He couldn't remember what woke him up, whether something had happened in the dream or some noise in the house, but he couldn't seem to get back to sleep now.  He sighed, then sat up.

By the door, he could see his suitcases sitting there, ready to go to New York.  The thought was sickening to him, that tomorrow, in a few hours actually, he'd be on a plane to New York where Sarah had lived and died and where Tom Harris had lived and practiced medicine, helping people, sometimes saving their lives, in his case, he thought, ending it.  He stood up and walked over to the chest of drawers, pulling out a pair of clean jeans, he certainly wasn't going to wear those velvet pants, no matter how much Kim and Marcy liked them, even though they were laying on the end of his bed.

~~~~

Sparky stretched and jumped down off the bed as Taylor went out the door and down the stairs, his bare feet not making a sound.  He went all the way down to the basement, followed closely by Sparky.  He stepped into the studio and then Sparky stopped, not sure he wanted to go in as it was always excruciatingly loud to his sensitive ears.  He eyed the menacing drum kit over in the corner.  At the moment, Zachary was nowhere near it, but he'd occasionally seen Taylor produce loudness there as well.  Taylor looked down at him one last time and started to shut the door.  At the last possible moment, he darted in, deciding it was more important that he stay close to him right now as he could sense his master was troubled.  Sparky watched as Taylor flipped a switch on the wall bathing the room in a soft light.  He then sat down at the piano.  He closed his eyes and placed his fingers on the keys.  He played very softly and Sparky cocked his head, enjoying the sound.  He'd never known the studio to be so peaceful.

~~~~

In his head, Taylor sang the words of the song as his fingers instinctively played the notes.  His lips mouthed the words and Sparky jumped up on the stool and lay his head on Taylor's leg as tears began to fall from his eyes.  He stopped playing and put his head down on his arms, crying.  In the months since losing his voice, Taylor had been dealing with his guilt over the death of Sarah and the baby, his anger with Tom and Karen and endured an intense crash course in communicating without the luxury of speaking.  He'd only allowed himself small spurts of self pity where his voice was concerned.  But, that simple dream and the impending trip to New York where he knew he would have to face, not only the fans, but a courtroom full of spectators and media, had brought it to the forefront of his mind.  He would never experience that feeling again that he'd gotten from the act of singing a song.  Whether he'd written the song himself or was just singing the ABC song to Zoe, it gave him a joy like nothing else he'd ever done.  No drug could replace it, not sex, or even love.  It was gone and he was miserable.  His crying turned to sobs and he stood up and went over to the couch in the family room, falling into it's softness, burying his face.  Sparky followed, wanting to stay close.

~~~~

At 6:30, Diana's alarm went off.  Without opening her eyes, she reached over her head and turned it off.  She wasn't looking forward to this day.  Though he'd tried to hide it, she knew Taylor was terrified of going to New York.  Plus, there were six other children as well as him to deal with and none of them were happy about the trip.  She sat up and pulled her hair to the front and began taking out the braid it was in so that she could take a shower and get everything going.  She reached over and patted her husband, "Walk, why don't you go to the bakery real fast while I'm in the shower, that way there won't be any dishes to clean up and no cooking.  We can just get out of here quicker that way, ok?"

He grunted and she smiled knowing he'd heard every word.  Once in the shower, the warm water and the smell of the soap helped her to wake up.  She washed her hair and conditioned it, all the while humming "Amazing Grace" to herself.  She then rinsed it all away, turned off the water, stepped out and grabbed two towels, one to wrap her hair in and one to dry off with.  The house was still silent and she took advantage of the last few peaceful moments by rubbing lotion on her skin, loving the scent and the feel of it.  Finally, she threw on her clothes and went out into the hallway going from room to room and flipping on lights saying, "Good morning, time to get up!"  as she'd done countless times before.

When she got to Taylor's room, the bed was empty.  She knew he'd come in the night before, she'd heard him.  Plus, his pants were laying on the bed where he'd obviously tossed them.  If she hadn't been so worried about him, she would have made a mental note to scold him for treating velvet pants that way.  She looked down and saw his suitcases sitting there, ready to go.  She hurriedly went to the remaining rooms and flipped their lights.  Everyone else was where they were supposed to be.  She went down the stairs thinking maybe he was in the kitchen, it wasn't unheard of for him to come down before everyone else for something to eat, his metabolism always seeming to have been a notch higher than all her other children.  Walker wasn't back yet and the lights were all off still.

Just as she was about to go back up and ask Isaac and Zac if they knew anything, she heard Sparky downstairs, just a little whine.  She knew if Sparky was down there, so was Taylor, the little dog never went near the studio if he wasn't.  When she got to the bottom of the stairs, she saw Sparky standing on his hind legs, his front paws on the couch, staring intently at Taylor who was in a heap on the cushions, his face hidden somewhere amidst hair and arms.  His bare back shook.  She knew he was crying even though there was no sound.  She walked over and put her hand on his back, "Tay?  What's wrong, baby?"

Sparky looked up at her.  Taylor's cold skin was legendary and so she knew from the warmth of his back as she stroked it that he'd worked himself into a tizzy.  She stood up and grabbed the box of Kleenex from the coffee table, then sat down next to him.  "C'mere and tell me what's wrong."  She said softly.  "Did something happen between you and Marcy?"

Slowly, he gathered himself and sat up snuggling into her.  She handed him a tissue and he wiped his nose.  He had his head under her chin and he'd pulled his legs up on the couch so that, as awkward as it was, he, at 6'2" was curled up in the lap of his mother.  "Is it Marcy?"  She asked again.

He shook his head.

"Are you sick?"

Again, he shook his head.

"Well baby, what is it?"  She leaned her head to the side to try and see his face.

He looked up at her, his cheeks flushed and his eyes red from crying.  "Mama..."  He mouthed.  She knew that was a bad sign, none of her kids called her that unless they were extremely distraught.  "I want to be able to sing."  He signed.

"Oh, I know you do, honey.  I miss hearing you so much."  Now, tears fell from her eyes as well.

"And I don't want to go back to New York!!"

She wasn't sure exactly what the last part was, but she was pretty sure it had to do with the trip and that it would have come out in a wail if he'd been able.  He threw his head down on his knees and she pulled him in close to her and stroked his hair.  She raised her head as she heard footsteps.

Walker came down the stairs to see them on the sofa together.  "Is everything alright?"  He asked.

She shook her head, "I think we're just in the midst of a crying jag."  She sniffed.

"Hmmm, I've sort of felt like having one of those myself lately." He said.

She smiled at him as Taylor buried his face into her hair, embarrassed for his father to see him.  "Do you think you can get everybody ready to go?"  She asked, looking over at the VCR.  "We've only got about 35 minutes 'til our ride gets here."

"Sure, Ike can help and so can Zac, if I can get him up.  You want coffee?"

"Oh yeah, but none for him."  She said pointing at the boy in her lap, "he's wired enough already."

~~~~

In the kitchen, the family had all gathered around the huge box of assorted doughnuts, muffins, bagels and such.  Isaac had a gallon of milk in his hand and filled cup after cup for his little brothers and sisters.  When his father walked in he asked, "where's Mom and Tay?"

"They're downstairs.  I think your brother's about had it."

"I figured as much.  Y'know, the last couple months have been awful, but these last two weeks have been over the top."

"I know it."  Walker said, biting into a pecan Danish, "I'm wondering if we should give him some of that medicine or not.  The counselor from New York called in a prescription for him last week and I got it filled, but I was hoping he wouldn't need it."

Isaac looked at his father remembering the state his brother had been in the night they'd caught his kidnapper.  "I don't know Dad, maybe just keep it handy.  I don't know what's worse, a basket case or a zombie."

"Yeah, I don't know if it's the same stuff or not.  Hopefully, we won't have to find out."  He looked out the kitchen window envisioning the boys playing tag and hide'n-go-seek, wondering where the years went.

~~~~

Mackenzie went upstairs to get some clothes for Taylor.  All the suitcases were out on the walk, backpacks were in a pile by the front door and coats were laying on the couch.  As he stepped into the room, he met Zac on the way out taking Taylor's two suitcases down for him.  "Hey man, you're supposed to be downstairs, ready."  He said.

"I am ready."  The little boy said.  "But Tay's still barefoot, which shoes should I grab?"

Zac looked back into the room.  "How 'bout those old brown boots he always wears?  They're over there by the nightstand."  And he was off down the stairs.

Mackenzie opened the drawer where he knew Taylor kept his coolest t-shirts.  Eventually, he found his favourite, it was black and had a comic book girl on it.  She said, "You get what everyone gets, you get a life."  He wasn't sure what it meant, but he thought she had the prettiest eyes.  He took it, grabbed a long sleeve button up from the closet and his brother's huge shoes and took off down the stairs at lightening speed.

~~~~

By the time Taylor and Diana made it out, the van was loaded and everyone was in, waiting.  The driver got out and opened the door for the two.  They'd left a seat for them next to Zac.  Even though they hadn't given him any of the medicine, Zac still thought Taylor looked like a zombie or at least some form of walking dead.  He'd been surprised that morning to find his brother out of sorts, he'd seemed fine the day before.  Taylor stepped up into the van and sat next to Zac and Diana followed and sat on the other side of him.  Zac smiled when he saw Sparky's head poke out of Taylor's jacket.  He'd wondered if they'd forgotten as they had a little crate especially for him and it had been loaded, empty, into the back along with their luggage.

Jessica and Avery each grabbed a brush from their purse, and as the driver headed off towards the airport, Jessica began to brush out her mother's hair and then braid it.  Avery had to stretch to reach the top of Taylor's head without unbuckling her seatbelt, which every Hanson kid knew was a no-no, but she managed and as he rolled his eyes and Zac grinned, she made her brother presentable for the always present cameras and any fans they might encounter along the way.
 
 
 

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