Chapter 42

Zoe had gone to bed in a flurry of questions.

"When will Santa be here?"

"Did Santa get my letter?  Tay writed it for me."

"How does Santa get down the chimney?"

Lee loved hearing Isaac's replies to his little sister.  Obviously, he was no stranger to the questions as he never hesitated in his answers.  Finally, she settled down enough that they actually felt she might go to sleep and they headed back downstairs.  Lee had never seen the house so quiet.  At her own house, it was not uncommon, but here at Hanson Central Station, it was just weird feeling.  On tv, "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" was on, one of Isaac's favorite's, but the cold that had taken hold of him had kept him from really enjoying it.  The feeling of Lee's fingers running through his hair and occasionally massaging his achy muscles, though, was more than enjoyable.  It was downright addictive.  Just as he thought he might float away from all the physical and mental things that were all threatening to overwhelm him, the door opened and a dark flash that was Taylor flew past them both and up the stairs.  Next through was Zac, his face a combination of anger and sadness.  Isaac sighed as the rest of his family filed in and began removing their coats.

"Zac," his mother asked quietly, "what is wrong with Taylor?"

"What do you think, Mom?"  he snapped back,  "It's fricking Christmas and we're supposed to act all happy, but there's nothing to be happy about."

She glared back at him, "First of all Zachary, don't speak to me like that.  And second, we have many things to be happy about.  It would have been nothing for that man to have killed him, but he didn't.  And if you don't think that's something to be happy about, then you need to sit down and get your priorities straight."

The room was silent.  The anger had left Zac's face and he quietly turned and left the room, going upstairs.  Walker looked at his watch.  "It's late guys, time for bed.  Santa's going to be here soon and if you're still up, he might pass you by."

Lee watched the children, at last she saw smiles as they hugged first their parents, and then made their way over to she and Isaac.  Jessica was the last to give her a hug and when she went to embrace her oldest brother, he whispered, "what happened?"

She shrugged her shoulders, then shook her head.  Lee watched as she signed, "T-A-Y freaked and Z-A-C followed.  All I know."

He nodded, "Ok, night Jess."

"Night,  Ike."  She said as she followed her other siblings up the stairs.

Diana sat in the chair usually occupied by Sparky who had gone with Taylor up the stairs.  "Ike,"  she said, "would you and Lee go up and check on your brothers?"

"Sure Mom," he said, getting up off the couch, "are you ok?"

"I'm fine."  She said, "Just tired.  It's been a long week."

She sighed.  He walked over and hugged her.  "Oh baby, how are you feeling?"  She asked, feeling guilty that she hadn't asked before.

"I'm ok,"  he replied, "I took some stuff."

Walker looked at Lee, glad his son had found such a nice girl.  She was a little different and at first he'd wondered if things would work out between them, but she had taken all the odd things thrown at her in stride and, in fact, had probably dealt with things better than most other girls would have.  "Thanks guys."  He said.

When they got to the top of the stairs they stopped and looked at the deserted hallway.  "God, I hope I'm up for this."  Isaac said.

"Tell you what,"  she said, "you take the angry one and I'll take the quiet one."

He stopped and looked at her.  "That's weird.  Y'know, I just remembered back a few years ago... in one of our first interviews... I think it was MTV, I don't know.  But, this guy asked us to describe ourselves or something, and, like always, me and Zac kinda went off jabbering and Tay just kept watching us, like he always does.  I'm sure he was dying for us to shut up."

He smiled at her, "Imagine that."  She grinned back at him.

"Anyways, when he finally got to say something, he looks at the guy and says, 'Obviously, I'm the quiet one.'  Or something like that.  Who knew that in a few years, that would be so true?"

Lee put her arms around him, "He's gonna be fine Isaac.  You know he is.  It's just gonna take some time.  And if he wants to be pissed off sometimes, you gotta let him.  And if he wants to be depressed sometimes, well, you gotta let him do that too."

"I know.  I just want him to be the way he was though, Lee."

"Of course you do.  You and every female the world over."  She smiled at him, "I think you guys may have written yourselves off too quickly though, you know?  You and Zac have fans too and I think that Taylor still needs the music so bad.  Don't you take that away from him too.  Don't give it up, or you let that guy win."

He sighed, "I know, I know.  It's just... different now.  We hafta figure it all out.  And, now, we have this whole trial thing hanging over our heads."  He looked at her.  "If you woulda seen him, he just looked at some pictures, Lee and he just flipped.   Marcy thought he was having a heart attack.  Christ, I don't know what's gonna happen.  You never know with Taylor.  He might pass out or he might jump over the table and try to kill the guy or..."

"Isaac,"  she cut him off,  "and he might just deal with it like a sane person.  Frankly, when I heard about it,"  and she lowered her voice, "I thought he'd be suicidal."

"What do you call climbing up a tree and onto the roof in an ice storm?  Or smashing your arm through a glass window?  That was more than just anger Lee."

She looked at him, thinking.  "Hmmm, maybe so.  Still, I'm talking nut house Isaac, and no sharp objects and people watching and stuff.  I think, all things considered, he's doing ok."

"I hope you're right."  He said, and he kissed her forehead.  "Well, I guess we better just bite the bullet, you still gotta go home tonight,  or you could spend the night..."  He said, and he raised his eyebrows lewdly.

"Nope, my folks have one kid and they would miss me terribly.  At least, I'd like to think they would."

"I know they would.  I will."  He said smiling at her.

She kissed him and said, "let's get it over with.  Hey, maybe we talked so long out here, they fell asleep, huh?"

"Yeah, right.  You obviously don't know either of them if you believe that."

She walked over to Taylor's door.  "A girl can dream, can't she?  Meet you back here in a bit?"

"Ok."  And he gently knocked on Zac's door before opening it.

~~~~

"Zac?"  he asked, "you ok in here?"

The room was dark, lit only by the glare from the monitor where his brother sat in front of the computer.  "Ike, what happens to stuff when you delete it?"

"Huh?"  Isaac was taken aback.  He'd expected a sad, quiet Zac, not a wired, jittery one.  "When you delete stuff...  What happens to it?  How can I find it?"

"Um..." he thought.  "It depends on what it is.  Some stuff goes to the recycle bin, some of it  just goes away.  What exactly are we talking about... files, or favorites, or what?"

"Unread mail."  Zac said.

"Oh.  That's easy."  He said, and he walked over and moved the mouse.  "Shortcuts... deleted items... there you go."  He stepped back as the screen showed line after line of old messages.

Zac's dark eyes were riveted to the screen as he scrolled down.  At the end, he turned to Isaac, "It's not there!"

"What, Zac?  What are you looking for?"  Isaac was still puzzled, not understanding how what had happened downstairs could have anything to do with the agitation now apparent in his brother's actions.  He could have sworn Zac was going to cry, a rare occurrence, but not unheard of.

"It's just... some old mail, Ike.  I really need to read it.  But, it's not here."

"How old?"  He said gently.

Zac's eyes darted back and forth and Isaac could almost see the wheels turning in his head.  He put his head in his hand a moment.  "Maybe, like, summer.  I don't know.  Wait!  When did Tay have to get his lip sewn up?!"  His face brightened.

"Uh, I think it was like, late July or early August."

"Ok, that's the same time as the mail I need."

"Oh, well, we get so much mail, our computer is set up to only keep deleted items for, like, two months I think.  So, you won't be able to find it."

"Oh God, don't tell me that Ike!"

Isaac turned the chair around so that Zac was facing him.  "What is this about, Zac?"  He looked at the screen, "and why are you going through Taylor's mail?"

Isaac watched as the biggest, fattest tear rolled down his brother's nose and dropped onto his knee, soaking into the denim.  "Ike," he said quietly, "did you read any of the stuff in that folder?"

"Yeah, some of it."

"Well, Sarah, the girl in the pictures?  The girl that got Tay... well, remember how he got all upset and mad and stuff, 'cause she never wrote to him?"

Isaac cocked his head, "yeah..."

"Well, she did write to him."  He looked up at Isaac, "But, I deleted it."

Isaac froze, letting the words sink in.  "You did what?"

"I deleted it."

Isaac put his hand up to his mouth, "Zac, why did you do that?!"

"Because, I was so mad at him...  He sucker punched me, remember?  And I didn't know it was her!  I swear I didn't!"

"Ssshhh!"  Isaac didn't want anyone else to hear.

Zac continued, "I never knew her name 'til Marcy asked me about it and I saw the pictures.  It took me a while to figure it out, but it was her.  It had to be."

Isaac had set down on the bed.  "Oh God.  Zac, what did they say?"

"I don't know...  I told you I never opened them.  I just deleted 'em."

"But, I thought she just wrote him in October or something."

"I guess when he never wrote back, she gave up.  Then, she musta found out she was pregnant..."

"Zac, is this what he got upset about tonight?  Did you tell him all this?"

Zac shook his head, "No.  I think he's still messed up from last night.  And, everybody singing at church got to him."

Isaac closed his eyes and sighed.  When he opened them again, he looked Zac in the eye.  "You do not tell him about this, do you understand?  If you never opened them, you don't know it was really her and you don't know what it was about.  Maybe she was telling him to get lost or...  I don't know."

Zac looked at him, "Ike, you know that's not the case.  Women don't tell Taylor to get lost, especially after spending five hours in the sack with him."  He took a deep breath, "if it wasn't for me, he would still be singing.  And talking and whatever else he did before.  You know it and I know it."

"Here's what I know Zac, you're gonna be the one to watch out for him.  For the rest of his life.  You better be there for him."  And with that, Isaac left the room leaving Zac to his own thoughts.

~~~~

Taylor had hung his suit back in his closet, hoping he wouldn't have to wear it again for a long time.  Then, he remembered the trial.  "Hmmm," he thought, "wonder if they're gonna want me to look like Mr. Innocent in a baby blue sweater or Mr. GQ in an Armani suit?"

He looked down at Sparky, shook his head, grabbed a flannel shirt off the hanger in front of him, then went to the chest of drawers and took out an old, comfortable pair of Levi's.  He put them both on, picked up his wallet and stuck it in the back pocket and reached over to take the tiny wrapped box that sat on the nightstand.  He turned as he heard a knock on his door.

"Make some noise if you're decent."  He heard Lee's voice through the door.  On the other side, her ears picked up a long, wet, drawn out fart sound and she had to smile.  "A whistle would have been sufficient."  She said as she stepped in the room.  "Ya know how to whistle, don'tcha?  You just put your lips together and blow."  To her relief, he smiled and raised one eyebrow.  "Your Mom asked me to check on you, you alright?"  He rolled his eyes and nodded.  "Nice outfit."  She said.  "Going somewhere?"  He just looked at her.  "Well,"  she said as she sat on his bed, "do you have a minute, or is she already waiting somewhere for you?"

He gave her a cold look that said, "Mind your own business."

"Hey, I don't care who you hang out with, if it makes you feel better, go for it."

"What do you want?"  He asked.

"I told you, your Mom asked me to make sure you were alright.  She was a little worried after the way you stormed in like that.  So was Isaac."   His face softened.  "Did something happen between you and Zac?"

He sighed, then shook his head. "No."

"You know, if you talk and sign slowly, I'll bet I can follow.  Me and Isaac have been practicing."   She looked up at him, meeting his eyes.

"C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S is sad."  He said.

"A lot of people feel that way Taylor."

"I did not feel that way before."

"I guess you're going to be experiencing a lot of feelings that you didn't before."  She said.  He nodded and sat down on the bed next to her, sitting the box back down on the nightstand.  Sparky jumped up on the bed next to him.  He wasn't exactly opening up to her, so she pressed on.  "What do you think about them catching the guy that did it?"

He continued looking at the box as if he hadn't heard her, but she knew he had.  Finally, he looked at her, his eyes peering deeply into her own.  For a moment, she thought he was angry, then, he signed, "He S-C-A-R-E-S  me."

"I'm sure he does.  But, he can't hurt you anymore.  You know that, right?"

"I don't want to go back to N-E-W Y-O-R-K.  R-E-P-O-R-T-E-R-S and C-A-M-E-R-A-S everywhere.  People watching."

She felt sorry for him, she knew that he was easily embarrassed, even in the best of circumstances.  She and Isaac had watched some old videos and she had been glad they had them.  Taylor was very hard to get to know now.  She felt it had given her an insight into him that she'd never see again.  Not only had she seen an incredible performer, but, when he sang, he showed so much emotion that now, he seemed to keep bottled up until it came pouring out like a flood.  In interviews, he had generally cut to the chase, whereas Isaac and Zac were more likely to be silly or to stray far from the subject.  "Taylor,"  she said, "can I tell you something?"

He looked at her.  Now she was the one to look away.  "I need you not to tell Isaac this, ok?"  She looked back at him with eyes that were almost black and he nodded.  "When I was 15, I had stayed late at school for something, I don't even remember what."  She shifted on the bed and Taylor could tell that whatever she was going to tell him was making her uncomfortable.  "Well, anyway, as I was walking home, I cut across the football field and just, from out of nowhere, this guy grabbed me from behind and pulled me into this little building that was full of equipment and stuff... and I couldn't stop him.  He raped me and then he just left me there.  He had this knife and he kept putting it up to my throat... he said if I screamed he'd kill me."

The look on Taylor's face was a mixture of concern and shock.  He'd not known her that long, but his impression of Lee was that she was tough and self confident, he couldn't imagine her being a victim but, two months ago, he would never have been able to imagine himself in that role either.  "I'm sorry."  He said

She smiled at him, "you know what, though?  I survived that, so it's ok, now...  But the reason I'm telling you this, is that, though you feel like it is, it's not your fault, nothing you may or may not have done was enough to deserve that.  I remember thinking... if only I hadn't worn that skirt or if only I would've fought harder or whatever...  It took me years to realize the only person to blame was him.  And you know what else?  Maybe he was abused as a child, or maybe he was insane... who knows?  Maybe it wasn't even his fault."   Now Taylor looked at her in confusion.  "I read a book that changed my mind about a lot of things.  It was written by a psychologist who had been treating a woman for a bunch of irrational fears.  Some people are afraid of heights or water, but this lady had those kinds of fears about, like, everything."   He raised one eyebrow.  "I know, I know, I'm getting there!"  She said laughing at him.  It was the same look he gave Isaac now and then when he wanted him to get to the point.  "So anyway, he started putting her under hypnosis, taking her back to traumatic experiences in her childhood.  When he would find out something, it would cure her of that fear.  But some of them hung on and so he took her farther and farther back, though he really didn't know if he could take her back to being a toddler or infant."  Lee stood up, looking down at him.  "As he did that, she suddenly began to tell him things he didn't understand, clothes she was wearing or places where she was."

Taylor watched her face become more animated, "She was talking about past lives.  She knew incredible things, she was able to tell him how she'd died in some of these lives.  Sometimes it was directly related to her fears.  But the most amazing thing was, she remembered some of what happened between life and death and the next life.  There were guiding spirits,  I suppose we would think of them as angels, but what the doctor was able to find was that there are reasons for everything that happens to us.  We may react to things a certain way because of something that happened to us before.  And that sometimes, we're only here 'til we do that thing we were sent here to do.  Some souls are older than others."

She looked down at him thinking he had the most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen and it made her sorry she hadn't seen them before the sadness had set into them.  "Taylor, I know you think I'm some new age foo-foo head, but I believe you are a very old soul.  How else were you able to sing that way at such a young age?  Not just your voice, but the feeling you put into it."  For a moment, he thought of all the times he'd been criticized for singing about things he was too young to have experienced, he knew he could still feel those feelings whether he'd actually lived through them or not.  She sat back down closer to him.  "I have a feeling you have a reason for being here.  You've had an amazing life in only sixteen years.  It's not over yet.  Maybe something had to steer you towards whatever it is that you're supposed to do."

He just looked back at her, letting the idea of it all sink in.  "But, what if I don't W-A-N-T the J-O-B ?"  He asked.

"Don't want  it?!"  She smiled at him, "I don't think we get a choice."

"Don't you think it C-R-U-E-L that S-A-R-A-H and the baby died so I could do my J-O-B?"

"Taylor, I don't know everything... only what I believe.  And that may have been their job."   She looked into his eyes.  "That baby may be born to you again, maybe even in this lifetime.  Souls seem to stick together throughout eternity."  She stood up and walked towards the door.  "Just think, you may have been Zac's wife in a past life."

He smiled, then shook his head. "No W-A-Y.  I-K-E is the O-N-L-Y man for me."  He signed.

She giggled, "I know exactly how you feel."  She said as she quietly closed the door behind her.
 
 
 

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