Chapter 41

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son…"  Taylor had heard the words countless times before and had even taken comfort in them.  Tonight, they only seemed to magnify the guilt that had been brought back to the surface of his thoughts since seeing Sarah's lovely face again.  "…his only begotten son…"  He was thinking she would have been close to six months pregnant now if he'd figured correctly.  His thoughts were interrupted  when everyone in the church stood up and began to sing.

    Oh holy night!  The stars are brightly shining,
    It is the night of our dear Savior's birth!

Automatically, he opened his mouth to sing the song he knew so well and for a moment, he forgot that he could no longer sing.

    Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
    'til he appeared and the soul felt it's worth.

Beside him, Zac sang the song in a clear voice and Taylor realized he'd never been so jealous of anything or anyone in his life.

    A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
    For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Zac felt Taylor's eyes on him before he saw them.  He looked over and his brother's stare was almost frightening to him.

    Fall on your knees!  Oh hear the angel voices!
    O night divine!   O night when Christ was born!

Taylor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself not to lose his composure this night as he had the night before.  When the family, minus Isaac and Zoe who both had stayed home, entered the church, an audible gasp went through the congregation.  On Christmas Eve, everyone who belonged to the church attended midnight mass.  Attendance was second only to that of Easter Sunday.  Taylor had looked at the floor, unable to meet the curious, questioning eyes of all those present watching him.  He opened his eyes again.  As he looked around the church, he watched everyone singing.  At the foot of the altar was a nativity scene.  He looked at the serene face of the Virgin Mary looking down at her newborn child and he couldn't help but think of Sarah carrying his own child.

Zac watched his brother's eyes dart back and forth between the people around him, the balcony, and back up to the front of the church, wondering what was going on in his mind.  He was starting to worry, Taylor had been acting strange since they'd walked in.  He looked down the pew to see his mother.  She had her hands folded under her chin, and though everyone else was singing, she seemed to be in prayer.   His father held open a hymnal and he and Mackie were sharing the book as if they didn't already know the words to the song by heart.  His sisters stood beside each other, their voices blending in the same way that he and his brothers' voices had.  Tonight, he thought, his own was the only one of the three to be heard, Isaac was not feeling well and had stayed home and Taylor, well, Taylor had no voice now.

    Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
    Let all within us praise his holy name!

As the song ended, everyone sat down again.  Everyone but Taylor.  He hadn't seemed to notice.  Zac grabbed his arm.  "Tay,"  he said quietly.  Taylor turned and looked at him, then quickly walked out of the pew and nearly running, made his way down the aisle and out the door as the eyes of everyone followed him without mercy.

Diana started to follow him, but Zac stood in front of her. "Mom, let me go."  He said.  Their eyes met, that cool blue like his brother's to his warm brown, and she nodded.

Taylor was sitting on the top step of the church, his blond hair blowing in the wind and almost glowing against the dark suit he was wearing.  His back was to the door and he had his eyes shut tight.  Zac stood a moment watching.  "Tay..."  He said finally, "what's wrong?"  He stepped around and sat on the step in front of him.

Taylor sighed and opened his eyes, "I miss it, Zac."  He mouthed.

"Me too."  Zac said solemnly.

Taylor shook his head glaring at his brother.  "You sounded F-I-N-E, loud and C-L-E-A-R.  What E-X-A-C-T-L-Y are you missing?!!"

Zac looked back at him, "you."  Taylor's gaze softened.  Zac continued, "I miss your corny attempts at humor, your yowling in the shower, the way you used to laugh...  God, nobody laughs at Isaac's jokes now.  And he doesn't interrupt me nearly enough so I find myself rambling on and on... worse than him!  I miss singing all the time with you guys.  It's just not the same with just the two of us."  Taylor didn't respond.  "And,"  Zac said, "you're always taking off by yourself instead of hanging with us!"  Zac was beginning to sound angry now.  "Why can't you stand to be around us anymore?!"

Taylor stood up and went down the steps 'til he was face to face with Zac.  "Because I feel like a FREAK and everybody acts weird around me!  Like I'm bringing everybody down or something!"

"Sign to me please, it's dark out here."  Zac said.

Taylor stood still for a moment, blinking back tears.   "See?!"  He signed. "That is what I am talking about.  It S-U-C-K-S.  No S-P-O-N-T-E-N-E-I-T-Y  Z-A-C!!!  Did I spell that right?!  If not, then I guess I'm just F-U-C-K-E-D, aren't I?  If they don't sign, and most people DON'T, they just look at me and wonder what the H-E-L-L   I want or need or whatever.  If I write, they stop talking to me like I can't hear them.  Go to B-U-R-G-E-R   K-I-N-G  sometime and order like that and see what happens, then tell me how you feel."  Zac sighed, his breath visible in the winter air.  "You know what the W-O-R-S-T thing is though, Z-A-C?  Knowing that, because of me, S-A-R-A-H is dead.  D-E-A-D."  He looked away for a moment, then turned back.  "I had so many C-H-A-N-C-E-S to do the right thing and I S-C-R-E-W-E-D up every time."

"Tay, you didn't know...  God, how many times do we have to say it?!!  It's not your fault!"  As Zac said the words, it hit him hard.  The knowledge struck him with full force.  There was no doubt in his mind that he had played a large part in the situation that had led to his brother's kidnapping and everything that had resulted from it.  Had Taylor gotten those e-mails from her, they may have formed some sort of relationship or at least a friendship and she would have been able to tell him about the baby.  Instead, they'd each felt used by the other and she'd felt abandoned as well.

Suddenly, the sound of music flowed over the two boys as the doors to the church were flung open and the strains of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" poured out of the building.   Both boys looked up to see Father Ryan standing there as the parishioners began to leave and head home to their families.  Taylor looked at Zac, turned and went down the rest of the steps heading towards the van, his hands in his pockets and his head down.

Jessica walked up to her brother, "Where's Tay?"  She asked.  He didn't respond, only looked out towards the parking lot.  "Zac," she said louder.  "Where's Tay?  Are you alright?"

He looked over at her, "No, I'm not alright and Tay's over there." He said, nodding in the direction he'd gone in.

"Is he ok?"  she asked.

Zac rolled his eyes, "Yeah Jess, he's just great.  Merry Christmas."

Ordinarily, she wouldn't have allowed him to get by with the snotty remark, but she felt like something big had just gone down and that she'd let it go for now.  Before the rest of the family, or anyone else could corner him, he stalked off to join Taylor and prepare himself for the ride home and the first Christmas morning without the sound of him singing carols along with them.
 
 

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