Installment Nineteen

I planned on talking to Shanna like Taylor had asked me to, though I wasn’t too sure of how to approach her or what to say to her once I had approached her.  Talking to someone about their dying husband didn’t seem like an easy thing to do, especially since her dying husband was my brother.  I knocked quietly on his bedroom door, knowing he wasn’t inside and Shanna was.  I heard her call for me to come in, and when I did she was sitting on the bed feeding the baby; she breast fed.

“Oh, sorry,” I said blushing.  “I can come back later.”

“Don’t be embarrassed,” she said smiling a little.  “It’s a natural thing.  And don’t come back later; you’re fine right now.  Come on in.” I shut the door behind me, coming towards her and watching as she fed the tiny boy.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” I asked, scrunching my nose.  She laughed quietly.

“No,” she said, “but it feels strange.  I don’t think it’ll hurt until he gets teeth.”

“Ouch,” I said cringing, and she laughed a little.

“What can I do for you, Avie?”

“Um, actually, it’s not for me.” I looked at her, and she looked a little confused, and granted if I were in her place I’d be confused too.  “Um, Taylor asked me to speak to you the other day…”

“What about?” She said, her eyebrows knitting together.

“Um, living arrangements,” I said, feeling a little weird about doing what I was about to do.

“Taylor put you up to this?” She echoed my statement.  “Why am I not surprised,” she said smiling a little.

“It’s kind of important,” I said, unable to smile about what I was about to talk to her about.  Once she saw the look on my face she stopped smiling.

“What is it, Avie?”

“Um, Tay…  Tay wants to make sure that you’re… taken care of, after he’s… after…” I cursed myself in my head for not being able to do this properly.  “…after he’s gone.”

“Oh…”

“He wants you to stay here, Shanna,” I said quietly, “I mean to live – you and Jordan.  He said you and the baby could have this room – his room – and mom and dad could help you with stuff.”

“I couldn’t do that to your family – “

“You’re family too,” I said, finding myself needing to convince her now, too.  “I mean, you married my brother, and you have a baby together…”

“I don’t have much here…”

“We can send for your things in New York,” I said.  Finally knowing what I really needed to say, and it killing me the whole while, I said it: “I think it’s one of Taylor’s last requests…”

“Oh…” She looked down at the baby, and I could see her eyes filling with tears, as my own did as well.  “I can’t deny him that,” she said softly.

“I’m sorry, Shanna; he asked me to make you stay – “

“It’s ok,” she said softly, looking up at me as tears ran down her cheeks.  “I’m glad you talked to me; I would’ve gone back to New York to no one, and nothing, and raised my baby alone – at least here he’ll have all the family he needs.” She smiled sadly.  “I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to live in this room knowing he used to be in here, and being without him…”

“There are other rooms,” I said.  “You could have one if you needed it.”

“Thanks Avie,” she whispered.  “I haven’t known you long, but I love you like I’ve known you my whole life.”

“I love you, too,” I said, feeling incredibly touched.  “This whole family loves you – Taylor loves you, with all his heart, and Jordan too.”

“I know,” she said quietly, wiping her tears.  “I’ll tell Tay tonight that I’ll stay, and he and I have a certain sister to thank for it.” She smiled a little at me, and I put my hand over hers, giving it a gentle squeeze before making my way out of the room.

What I had just done was kind of morbid, and it set my mind about a certain train of morbid thoughts.  I began to wonder if they had funeral arrangements, or a casket, or a ground plot, or a headstone picked out – did Taylor pick an epitaph or did he write his own?  It was one of the most morbid trains of thought that ever ran through my head, and what made it worse was how much it hurt.  The thought of my brother in a casket, in the ground, and a headstone with his name on it… It gave me chills for an hour and nightmares that night.  I might have been more afraid of Taylor dying than Taylor was of dying.

I found something about a week after Jordan was born, although, being a Hanson family weird and unintentional tradition (excluding Zac) he had been called by his middle name, Parker, more often by Taylor – Shanna preferred to call him Jordan, after his father, and often told Taylor to stop calling him Parker before he confused the kid.  It was humourous when witnessed.  Mom, and Shanna and the baby, and I all went small town shopping – it was more like a flea market down in Jenks, and I found this beautiful plaque.  There was a picture on it of a sunset on the beach, the waves coming up gently on the shore and foam-capped, and footprints across the sand.  I knew as soon as I read the inscription that followed that it was perfect – I needed to get it for Taylor.  He had started feel under the weather, and it was starting to worry us all more than it had before.  It was more than just a cold, and we all knew it.  I could tell he was starting to get a little discouraged, and like I had, he was losing his faith in God; it didn’t matter to me at that point if I lost my faith, but I didn’t want Taylor to lose his; if anything I thought he needed it more than ever at that point.  So I bought it, after letting mom and Shanna read it, and making them both cry.

When we got home I think we were all I little affrighted when dad told us Taylor was upstairs lying down – he didn’t feel good.  I let Shanna go up and see him, even though I wanted to; I had to get used to the fact she was his wife and the mother of his child, and she got to see him first.  So I waited for a while, and when she was through talking to him, she came out and apologized for taking so long even though she didn’t have to.  She let me go in and have some time alone with him – she knew I wanted to give him the gift I bought him.  I was a little dismayed to see him in bed and notice that he had lost some colour in his face.  He wasn’t deathly pale like he was when he was getting treatment, but the healthier pigment to his skin had decreased some.

“Hey Taylor,” I said quietly.  He turned to look at me, seeming to be ok – not good, but ok.

“Hey Avie,” he said quietly as well.  “I hear there was more female bonding today.”

I smiled at him – he had a way of making people smile… “Yeah,” I said, “it was fun.” I looked down at the bag in my hands, “I, um, got you something today.  I thought you might appreciate it.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he said frowning slightly.

“I know I didn’t, but… I really liked it, and I think you will too.”  I pulled the plaque out of the bag and handed it to him.  “It isn’t much, but, it was worth every penny…”

“Oh Avie,” he said quietly, “it’s gorgeous.”

“Read the little story, Tay,” I urged.

He took a deep breath and sighed, and looked at me; he looked back at the plaque and pushed himself into a sitting position.  He took it in his hands again, and took a breath.  “One night a man had a dream.  He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.  Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.  For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

“When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.  He noticed that many times along the path of life there was only one set of footprints.  He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.  This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

“‘Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You, You’d walk with me all the way.  But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there was only one set of footprints.  I don’t understand why, when I needed You most, You would leave me.’

“The Lord replied, ‘My son, my precious child, I love you and would never leave you.  During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.’”

He continued to stare at the plaque for a moment, as I swallowed against the knot in my throat, trying to blink back the wave of tears that seemed to come to my eyes.  When he finally looked at me, his eyes were filled to the brim with tears.  “Thank you,” he whispered.  I started to cry, and so did he.  He motioned me over, and I sat down on the bed, and he took me in his arms; we held each other tightly, and just wept.  We were going to lose so much…  I knew that he appreciated the gift, and understood it; and after that, he hung it above his bed.

We, as in all of the family, went with Zac and Rachel to Wedding Belle, a dress and tux shop down in Jenks so they could pick out their colours.  I had always thought Rachel had good taste in clothing and colours until she picked up a lime green bridesmaid dress; it reminded me of aliens and puke, neither of which were associated with weddings in any way, shape, or form.  Luckily, it didn’t become one of her choices.  She found the prettiest satin teal dresses, and some soft yellow ones, and some gorgeous deep purple dresses.  And Zac was picking out styles they had discussed, and coordinating the colours with the dresses she had picked thus far.  He had picked out all black suits with white shirts, and vests that coordinated the colours; the ones for the teal dresses were silver and teal vests, the ones for the soft yellow were just that solid color, and the ones for the purple dresses were silver and purple.  The last set of dresses was a beautiful dark burgundy colour – those and the purple were off the shoulder, and the teal and yellow were spaghetti strapped.  Two of her close friends were to be bridesmaids, and Jess and I were also asked.  She planned on having Zoë as her flower girl, even though she was nine and flowers girls were usually younger, Zoë was petite enough to pass; and though Mac was twelve, he was the only option for a ring bearer.  Zac had asked two friends of his from college to stand up for him, and Ike, and he had asked Taylor to be his best man.  He was hesitant at first, and none of us could understand why, until he said that he wasn’t sure if he would even be around for the wedding… It kind of put a damper on things, but he agreed finally, and if anything were to happen, Isaac would take his place.

Rachel had already had her wedding dress picked out and purchased, and it didn’t need a stitch of alterations, and when all of us girls saw her in it, we were breathless.  She looked absolutely beautiful, and that was even without the aid of a professional hair-do or professional make-up.  She was a natural beauty anyway.  It was a perfect fit and style for her; it was a thin spaghetti strapped top that dipped into a low but modest V, with beautiful sparkles all the way down the fitted bodice, and the bottom half fluffed out – but not too much – in a gorgeous bell-like shape with a gauzy type material – the fabric of the bottom half almost seemed gossamer – leaving a train of the same fabric trailing about two or three feet behind her.  It was supposed to have been a spring wedding, so she was choosing the right styles, and chose the right colour when she chose the beautiful pale teal satin dresses.  The men were all getting themselves fitted when Rachel came over and sat beside mom and I, who was gently running her fingers through my hair.

“Diana,” Rachel said softly.  “Zac and I have changed the wedding plans.”

“What?” Mom replied, a little shocked.  “I thought everything was good…”

“Everything is fine.  We put everything on rush.  All of you are being fitted today, and Mrs. Maxwell is getting a bunch of the seamstresses that work for her together so all the tuxes and bridesmaid dresses will be ready by next week.”

“Next week?  Why?”

“Well,” she said softly.  “Taylor’s worried he won’t make the wedding… So Zac and I decided to move it up.”

“How up?” Mom asked, still playing with my hair.

“Next Friday,” she answered.

“You’ll never have enough time,” I added.

“Yes we will,” she replied.  “The first practice is this weekend; the rehearsal dinner is Wednesday, and the wedding is Friday.”

"You two have everything set?  A church?  A reception hall?”

“St. John’s church,” she answered.  “One p.m.  We talked to Walker and he said you’re house was fine, seeing as we were making it family and closest friends only; there’ll only be about sixty guests or so.”

“If you’re sure that’s what you want,” Mom said.

“We’re sure,” she said, smiling a little.  They went and changed all their wedding plans for Taylor, which was more than admirable, except Taylor was starting to feel worse with each day that went by.  He did his best to hide it from us all, but we could tell; we could see him changing…

We got as far as the first quick rehearsal with no problems, but the actual rehearsal dinner was another story.  The Wednesday of the rehearsal dinner Taylor had been feeling particularly bad, almost to the point they were ready to take him to see Dr. Peterson, but he protested, like I knew he would, and they made it through the evening, though it was visible now that Taylor was not well.  He’d said he felt incredibly fatigued, and achy, and he’d woken up dripping in sweat four nights in a row, but he refused to see the doctor and chance missing his little brother’s wedding.

Well the wedding day came, and it went off without a hitch.  Taylor was the perfect best man, giving an amazing toast at the reception once we got back to the house.  Although, he and Ike had to perform their pranking duties, and had painted “SAVE ME” on the bottoms of Zac’s dress shoes in white-out.  It was all humourous in good fun.  And when the day was over, Zac and Rachel retired to his room to bed, ready to be up early the next morning to catch their flight out to Hawaii.

It was the beginning of the next week that set off a chain of bad events.  Taylor had been sleeping in constantly, unable to get himself out of bed because he was starting to feel so poorly.  Shanna spent considerable amounts of time between taking care of baby Jordan and taking care of Taylor.  He had started to look sick again; his colour had started to pale, and his eyes had started to dull.  He tried to hide the fact he was in some kind of pain, but it didn’t ever really work on us.  And I guess one day it all just gave way.

Taylor had been in the living room with Shanna and the baby one day, watching a movie, the rest of us milling about the rest of the house.  Mom spent most of her time cleaning someone’s room or in the kitchen, and Isaac was coming from the kitchen, and I was coming down the stairs heading to the kitchen.  We both saw Taylor get up and head toward the staircase, but he stopped partway there, seeming a little unsteady, or uncertain.

“Tay,” Isaac said, “is everything all right?” There was this strange look on Taylor’s face that I don’t really know how to explain, and he gave no answer.  “Taylor?  Are you ok?” He had the same strange look on his face when he finally looked up at our brother; he just stood there for a moment, then his brow creased slightly as he barely, slowly shook his head, looking almost “tipsy.”

“Ike?” He looked at our brother again, Isaac taking a step forward, Shanna and I just watching with passive concern.  “I think something’s wrong…” Suddenly his eyes rolled up and his knees just went out from under him.  Isaac moved quickly, reaching out just in time to catch Taylor before he could hit the ground, collapsing in Ike’s arms.

Shanna was up in an instant and I was hurrying over.  “Mom!” I called.

“Oh God…” Isaac said quietly, unsure of what to do.  “Tay?  Taylor can you hear me?” There was no response or movement, or any indication from Taylor that he could hear Isaac at all.  “Oh God…”

“What happened?” Dad asked, coming in the same time as mom.

“Oh my God…” She ran over to him, touching his face, but there was no response whatsoever from him.  “Avery,” she said turning to me, “go call an ambulance.”

A short time later, there was an ambulance outside our house, and a couple of men taking Taylor away strapped onto a stretcher, covered by a blanket, an oxygen mask over his face, and completely unconscious.  And I stood watching helplessly as they put my brother in the back of the ambulance, its flashing lights casting brief and repetitive shadows over everything, bathing things in its red light, and the doors closed behind two EMT’s.  I stood in the doorway as the siren started again and the ambulance rushed off.  I don’t remember when I started crying, only felt the wet, warm tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Come on,” Ike said softly.  “Let’s get to the hospital.” I had this feeling… Taylor was never coming home again.

<

Comment

>