Installment Thirteen

It was finally prom night.  I was decked out in my black and white dress, my hair done up, my make-up done, all my four pieces of jewelry, and my purse.  Jessie looked amazing too; I never realized how beautiful my sister really was.  I mean, I see her everyday, I see her when she first wakes-up in the morning before she brushes her hair or teeth or puts on her make-up, and she had always naturally just looked pretty.  Well, that night she looked absolutely gorgeous.  I got a lot of the same compliments.  I could see that Taylor was still apprehensive about me going with JR, but he bit his tongue, and he knew I was thankful for that without me having to say a word.

We could have rented a limo, my family offered to pay for it, but JR wanted to drive us.  We aren’t the only family in Tulsa with money, and he proved that when he picked me up in his black Jag.  He came inside, gave me my corsage, took pictures, all the stuff prom dates are supposed to do.  The grand march was at 5:30 and the prom didn’t start until 7:00.  My family was coming to the grand march, and JR’s mom was coming, too.

I don’t really want to drag out all the details of prom since it lasted until 12:00 a.m., and then JR wanted to go to two or three parties.  Thankfully, he only had a beer at the first party, and one at the second, and then didn’t touch any more because he knew he had to drive us home.  That’s where things got a little… unpleasant.  I know I’m skipping a lot of actual prom detail, and party details, but what’s important is what happened afterward.  JR drove me home, and we sat in my driveway for sometime, looking at the stars through his moon roof.  At first I didn’t mind him putting the seats back, and getting closer to me.  It was nice, warm.  We stayed that way for some time, and it was about 2:30 in the morning when I said I should probably get inside.

“Just a little longer,” he mumbled into my neck, kissing.

“Um, JR…” I said, pulling back a little.  “I should really get back in now – “

“Shh.” He put his finger over my lips to silence me, and I was quiet for a few minutes.  He pulled his face from the crook of my neck, kissing my lips instead.  His kiss sent a warm tingling feeling up and down my spine, but when he got a little more forceful, I started to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach…

“Stop,” I whispered, pulling myself away from him, or at least trying to.

“Relax,” he mumbled, reaching behind me, trying to pull on the zipper of my dress.

“Don’t,” I said, almost as forcefully as he had started kissing me.  “Leave the zipper alone.”

“Don’t be a baby,” he mumbled, pulling my hands away from his chest where I had planted them, and started pushing him away.  He pushed my hands up, over my head, climbing on top of me in the passenger seat.

“JR, come on…” I tried to lift my arms, and was a little alarmed when I realized he pinned them above my head, and obviously didn’t plan on letting me go.

“You’re so pretty…” he started kissing down the side of my neck, getting much to close to my chest, and forcing his knee between mine.

“JR, this isn’t cool,” I said.  “Stop it.”

“Shh.” He kissed me hard on the mouth, and when his free hand started to wonder I started to panic.

“Stop it,” I said forcefully, trying to push him off.

“Come on, Avery,” he said, pulling the hem of my dress up.  “Just relax; it’ll be quick… you’ll like it…”

“Get off of me!” I started to get frantic, and he started to get pushier.  “Stop it!  Get off!”

The next thing I knew the door was yanked open, and JR was being dragged out; that’s when I realized I was in hysterical tears, and scared shitless.  When I finally opened my eyes, I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do.  Somehow, Taylor had found enough strength to drag JR from the car and throw him up against it.

“What the – “

“Shut up,” Taylor said through gritted teeth.  “You listen and you listen good you son of a bitch.” He was too weak to be doing this and I knew it, so I don’t know how he did it at all.  “If you ever, ever touch my sister again, I will kill you.  Do you understand me?”

JR was silent for a moment, obviously taken off guard.  “Do you understand you little piece of shit?”

“Yeah,” he managed to get out.  Taylor swung him around, and threw him on the ground.  He turned to me, his demeanor changing completely.  “Are you ok?” He asked me softly.

“Yeah,” I answered quietly, wiping my tears.  “Just take me inside, ok?”

“Yeah,” he said softly.  “Come on.” He gently took my hands and helped me out of the car, and as soon as I was standing I was suddenly his support.  His knees almost gave out from under him and for a moment I thought he was going to pass out on me.

“Tay?  Are you ok?”

“Y-yeah,” he said quietly, putting his arm around my shoulders both to comfort me and lean on me; I slipped my arm around his tiny waist, and snuggled close to him as we walked.  There just wasn’t the kind of safety anywhere in the world that a girl can find in her brother other than right there in him.  No one else could ever make me feel safer than he just had.  “Let’s just get upstairs.”

“Okay.”

We carefully made our way upstairs, as quietly as a few squeaky floor boards would allow.  He led me to my room and stopped outside the door.  “You change,” he whispered, “my door is open when you’re done.  Come in and we’ll talk.”

“I don’t wanna talk, Tay,” I said quietly, feeling tears sting my eyes.  “You were right about JR.  I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. “

“Avie – “

“We can talk about it tomorrow; after I change can I just come in and sleep in your room?” I was crying again and he reached out and gently wiped a tear from my cheek.

“Sure.  I’ll be waiting.” He said softly, kissed my head, and made his way down the hall.  Everything he had ever done wrong, anything at all, I had just very nearly completely forgiven; his saving me was more than atonement enough for his wrongdoings.  If it hadn’t been for him, I don’t even want to think of what JR would have done to me; he had definitely atoned for his sins or mistakes or whatever you wanted to call them.

His door was open like he said it would be, and I knocked quietly on the doorframe before going inside.  I was wearing an oversized tee shirt and a pair of shorts, my hair still done up and my make-up still on; I was sure I had black streaks down my face from my mascara.  I made my way across the room and sat down on his bed; he reached out and tucked a stray hair behind my ear.

“How’re you holding up?” He asked me quietly; he knew that I’d had my feelings hurt really beyond repair, and I’d just have to wait for the hurt to go away on its own.

“I feel really stupid,” I cried quietly.

“Oh, Avie, you shouldn’t feel that way,” he said softly.  “You didn’t do anything wrong; that guy was a jerk.”

“You tried to tell me, and I didn’t believe you.” I spoke quietly, admitting my wrong.

“I wish you would have; you wouldn’t have had to go through this tonight.” I sniffed, and he scooted closer to me, pulling me into his arms.

“How could I have been so blind, Tay?” I cried into his shoulder.

“Everyone makes mistakes, Ave; he was a good liar.  That’s not your fault.”

“I feel so humiliated…”

“Avery,” he gently held me out at arms length.  “He didn’t…  He didn’t… hurt you, did he?”

I knew what he meant, and it meant a lot to me that he was that concerned.  I shook my head, “No,” I whispered.  “You saved me.”

“I did what any brother would do; I would have killed him if he…”

“He didn’t,” I said softly.  “Thank you.”

Looking at Taylor, and thinking about how weak he had been recently… How did he do what he had just done for me?  “Taylor… how did you…?”

“I don’t know,” he said quietly.  “I really don’t, Avery.  This week I’ve been feeling like I was about to die, but when I saw what he was doing – trying to do to you, I just… snapped.  You’re my little sister, and there was some guy trying to hurt you…” He shrugged a little.  “I couldn’t let him hurt you.”

“Are you ok?  Now, I mean?”

“I don’t know,” he answered.  “I feel… really drained.  I think I went a little overboard.”

“You should get some sleep,” I said softly.  “No offense, Tay, but you’re not looking too good right now…”

“I don’t feel too good.”

“I’ll go; sleep sweet.”

“Avie?”

“Yeah?” I looked at him, waiting for whatever it was he was going to say.

“You know I love you, right?”

“I know,” I said softly.  “I love you, too, Tay.” I shifted one foot to the other and looked at the doorway, and back at him.  “If…  Do you think I could…?  Can I stay with you tonight?” I asked quietly.

“If you want,” he answered, lifting the comforter.  I couldn’t explain why I wanted to stay with my brother; I guess I just needed to feel safe, and the only place at felt safe at that time was with Taylor.  I slid under his comforter, staring up at the ceiling, as he lay on his right side, facing the wall.  “Night Avie.”

“Night, Tay.” I whispered back.

I was up before Taylor the next morning, and thought I should just let him sleep, so I went back to my own room.  I climbed into my bed and laid there for a while, realizing it was still relatively early.  It was about seven, and I could hear Zac rustling around in his room, getting ready to shower and take off for his first class, which was at 8:15.  I could hear him talking to Rachel, telling her it was time to get up, and he was sorry to wake her.  I decided that I really needed to stop listening in on people’s conversations; one of these days I was going to end up hearing something that I really didn’t want to hear.  I knew mom was already up because I could smell coffee, and I could smell toast, and I knew dad was up because of the same reasons – he and mom usually got up together.  On a lighter note, it was the alone time together that they liked, and if they got it early in the morning, then so be it.  I smiled a little thinking about how in love my parents still were with one another, and it almost made me sad to think that I had ever thought of JR like that.  I snuggled into y covers, pulling them tight around me – the air conditioning was too high in my room, and I finally fell back to sleep.

My stomach was what woke me up the second time; it was growling loudly, and demanding that I put food in it that instant.  I had every intention of doing that, but stopped about halfway; I was standing outside Taylor’s door and I could hear something… What, I wasn’t too sure, but it almost sounded like quiet gasping…  I know I shouldn’t have, but I did; I opened his door a hair more than it already was, and Taylor was sitting in front of the mirror – he was crying.  I could understand why he would be crying; his life was a mess, a constant struggle, his physical appearance had changed drastically and none for the better; what I didn’t understand was how it felt to him.  I had no idea he’d felt so badly, and I wished he had told someone; he didn’t have to go through so much alone, and yet… he always tried to keep it that way.  I don’t know if he was doing it out of fear of disappointing someone, or if he did it because he didn’t want to burden anyone.  Either way, he would have been wrong; we loved him, and we would have done anything in the world to make it just a little easier on him.

“I said I was sorry,” he whispered, crying still.  “What more do you want from me?” He looked Heavenward and I suddenly realized who he was talking to.  “Why are you doing this to me?  I’m sorry I made so many mistakes… but this isn’t fair…” he cried, talking to Him and unaware that I was listening.  “Please don’t do this to me…” he sobbed quietly, and I closed the door the hair amount I had opened it; it was definitely out of line listening to that.  It was not my place to be listening to my brother’s conversation with God – that was between them.  But I couldn’t help but think of his words, and they echoed inside my head, playing themselves over and over in my brain.  ”What more do you want from me?” I wanted to ask Him the same question; what more did he want from Taylor?  If He kept taking the way he was Taylor would never make it…

The day was quiet; I talked to mom about what happened with JR and what Taylor did for me, and that was all the discussion there was about it.  The day was pretty uneventful except for a phone call that Taylor got in the late afternoon.  Of course I was the one who answered the phone, so I knew who it was.

“Tay?” I said, touching his shoulder.  He had been sitting on the couch with Zoë, watching The Little Mermaid for the ninety-millionth time.  He looked up at me and I held the phone out to him.

“Who is it?” He asked quietly, obviously not expecting a phone call from anyone.

“It’s Shanna.” I watched his expression change from inquiring to shocked, and then something I couldn’t read.

“I’ll… I’ll take it up in my room,” he said quietly, getting up.  “Tell her to hold on.”

I did as asked, but when I heard the line click when he picked up the phone, I didn’t hang up.  I pressed the “mute” button on the receiver and listened to what she was saying.

“Tay…  I miss you.” She said softly.

“I… Shanna, I miss you, too, but…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” It was obvious she was crying now, albeit quietly, and controlled.

“Tell you what?” He asked in return, and I imagined he cradled the phone between his ear and shoulder.

“That you were so sick…”

“How…” he was shocked.  “How did you find out?”

“It was in the newspaper, Taylor.  There’s a picture of you coming from the hospital in Tulsa, and an article.” People couldn’t ever give this family a break; what right did anyone have to intrude so far into his life like that?

“Shanna, I… I didn’t want anyone to know; none of my friends even know…”

“They probably do now; it was in the New York Times, the right hand column on the front page.”

“Oh no,” he said quietly.  “Shanna, I’m so sorry you had to find out this way.” Now it sounded like he was going to cry.

“How bad is it Taylor?” She asked quietly.  “Are you coming back to New York?”

“No,” he said softly.  “I’m not coming back to New York.” Somehow I gathered there was more to that than he actually said plainly.  “And it’s really bad.”

“Oh my God,” she said softly.  “Are you doing ok?”

“Not really,” he said quietly, and I imagine he was staring a hole into his carpet.  “I’m sure it was in the article that I’m getting chemo.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly, “it was.  I wanna see you, Tay.”

“I can’t travel, even if I wanted to come see you I couldn’t.”

“I care about you,” she said softly.  “I care about you a lot, and I care about what happens to you, Taylor.” I had eavesdropped enough, and hoped he didn’t realize that I had been listening when I finally quietly hung up the phone.

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