Installment Eleven

Prom was two weeks away.  I had my dress, my shoes, and a hair appointment set up.  JR had spent a little time at my house a couple of times, but he wanted to go out most of the time.  We spent a lot of time together, and I think it might be a guy thing, but he always wanted to make-out or something.  I never got carried away, not once, I always stopped wandering hands that made me uncomfortable or kisses that were headed in directions I didn’t like.  Taylor had been doing all right; he’d gotten out of the house a bit; he went to dinner with us once, and went out on his own a few times – I think he just needed time to think, or rather not think.  It was after I had finished eating breakfast one morning, before I had to head out for school that he decided to share on of those expeditions with me.  It was nothing close to anything I wanted to her.

“Avie?” I stopped outside his open bedroom door.

“Yeah?”

“Can you come here for a minute?  I think… there’s something you might want to know.”

“Taylor, if you’re going to tell me something depressing, can we save it until after school?” I was trying to make light of a situation that I was afraid might turn into a big tissue fest.

“It has nothing to do with me,” he said, surprisingly, as I came into the room.  “It’s about you… and your prom date.”

“JR?”

“Yeah.” He motioned for me to sit, and I did.  “How much do you like him?”

I smiled, trying to keep it in but failing utterly.  “A lot.”

“Then I really hate to tell you this…”

“What?” The smile was still on my face.

“I went out the other day to run some errands, and I stopped to get something to eat, and your date – JR – was with some of his friends.”

“Okay…”

“I overheard him talking, and he said some pretty… questionable things.”

“What are you talking about, Taylor?” I asked him.  I was starting to become annoyed; I didn’t like people ragging on guys that I had a thing for.

“He said he was just using you; I heard him say that he was going to win some bet.” I stared at him in disbelief.  “He said he was going to “crack” the “Hanson goody-goody”.  Avie… he thinks he’s gonna score on prom night.”

I was furious.  I stood up, speaking loudly and heatedly.  “Not every guy is like you, Taylor.” I saw that that comment hurt his feelings but I was too angry to care.  “I don’t need you to tell me things that aren’t true about the guy that I’m dating.  You’re going right back to your old ways; you just can’t stand to see someone else getting attention, can you?” I started to walk away, fuming.

“Avie; it’s the truth – “

“Shut up, Taylor.” I said angrily.  “Just mind your own damn business.”

“Avery – “

I slammed his door behind me.  God, why did he have to go and say something like that?  Things were going so well, and then he says stupid things like that that aren’t true.  It made it seem like he was going back to asshole-Taylor and that only pissed me off more.  It set my whole day off track.  I didn’t even give it a second thought; JR liked me for real, he wouldn’t use me…

I passed my English test – it was the paper that I had to write, the one about my doll Maggie.  Taylor had made me so mad earlier that day that I didn’t even get excited about acing it; there wasn’t a single thing wrong – perfect punctuation and grammar, perfect spelling and form.  After school JR tried to cheer me up by taking me out for some ice cream, even though he didn’t even know what was upsetting me – no, I didn’t tell him what Taylor said.  See?  If he was using me, why would he be so nice to me?  He gave me a ride home, and I’m thankful that he realized without being offended that I needed some time to myself to think.  I came in and told mom and dad that I was home, then went up to my room, closing the door behind me; I still had a lot of thinking to do and I wanted to be by myself to do it.  But I was exhausted, and I could feel a nap coming on, yet I didn’t want to take one because I knew I had homework to do.  I pulled out my Course two notebook and text book, a pencil and my scientific calculator.  Ugh, if there is one thing I hate it’s geometry proofs.  They suck – big time.  I sighed, opened my notebook and book and started to work even though my mindset wasn’t exactly on math.  It had to get done, no matter how much I needed to think, or the fact that I was so tired I could barely focus my eyes on the problems.  The first few problems were hard enough, and I decided to just put my head down for a few minutes, just long enough to keep my eyes from burning any longer, and to make myself able to focus.  Just a few minutes…

I sat on Daddy’s knee, waiting still; Taylor was supposed to pick me up an hour ago to take me to the beach.  It was supposed to be just me and him – like old times.  He had a new girlfriend, again, but he promised me that he would be there.  He told me that he would pick me up and just me and him would go the beach and spend the day together, and he would buy  me lunch and teach me how to swim on  my back, and on the way home we’d get ice cream and just hang out in his car at Tasty Treat.

“Daddy, how much longer?” I asked, and he looked at the clock again.  I hopped down off of his legs and started to skip excitedly back and forth across the room, watching the window carefully for my big brother’s black car.

“He should be here soon,” he replied, smiling down at me.  I smiled back, trusting his word.  I picked Maggie up from her spot beside him, and held her to my chest, gently stroking her hair.  We were going to have fun with Taylor; he wouldn’t tell me he would spend time with me if he couldn’t again…

“What time is it?”

“Um, it’s… it’s 2:30, honey.” He answered, and a less than pleasing one at that.  Tay promised me he’d pick me up at noon. I looked down at the carpet and felt my eyes begin to burn – Taylor lied to me; he wasn’t coming to get me…

“He’s not coming, is he, Daddy?” I asked quietly.

“Oh honey,” he said sympathetically, “I’m sorry but… no, I don’t think he’s coming…”

“He promised me, Daddy,” I said softly, heartbroken.  He liked his girlfriend more than me, and to tell the truth it really hurt.  He made me cry – again.  It was the third time in a week he had broken his promises to me, and I wasn’t going to let it happen again.  I was never going to believe another promise he made me ever again.  I dropped Maggie quietly to the carpeted floor, my tears falling as she did, and daddy picked me up, wrapping his arms around me.

“I’m sure he has a good reason, sweetie.  He wouldn’t forget you; Tay wouldn’t lie to you,” he said, trying to convince me and it was obvious.

“Yes he would, Daddy; he always lies to me…” I buried my face in his shoulder and cried, my tears soaking through his shirt, my doll lying forgotten on the floor.

I lifted my head groggily, the imprint of the notebook spiral on the side of my face; I rubbed my face for a moment, scrunching my face.  What was that noise?  I looked around, and suddenly realized – and feeling mighty stupid – that someone was knocking at my door.

“Um, come in,” I called, still rubbing my face, and yawning.

“Avie, please don’t throw me out,” Taylor said quickly.  “I just wanna talk to you.  Please?”

“Fine,” I said, turning in my chair to face him as he shut the door and came to sit on my bed, across from me.

“Look, I’m really sorry, please, please, please don’t be mad at me.” Taylor was begging me?  I cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Have you been drinking?”

“I’m serious, Avie,” he said.  “I didn’t mean to upset you today, so let’s just forget about it, okay?”

“I still don’t believe it,” I told him.

“Fine, don’t believe it then.  Just don’t be mad at me.”

“Fine,” I replied in return.  “It’s forgotten.  Now is there something you want?”

He cocked his head to the side, grinning a little.  “Did you fall asleep doing your homework?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Other than you have the I-just-woke-up look going on, you have a bunch of wire marks in your cheek from your notebook.”

“Oh…” I rubbed the tell-tale indentations and laughed a little.  “I was a little tired so I took a little nap.”

“Well,” he said, standing, “Mom sent me up to tell you it’s dinner time.”

“Holy shit,” I said.

“Ah-hem?”

“Oh come on, you swore when you were my age.”

“Not quite so freely,” he said, still grinning a little.  “How long were you asleep anyway?” He slung his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him.

“Um, two and a half hours?”

“Damn, I guess you were tired.”

“No thanks to you making me crazy all day.” I playfully socked him in the ribs.

“Umph,” he grunted a little.  “Take it easy; I’m easily damaged, remember?” I had forgotten completely, and I suddenly felt horrible.

“Oh my God, Tay, I’m sorry; I forgot – “

“Relax; you didn’t break anything.” He smiled at me as we started down the hallway.  “Yet.”

“Shut up,” I grinned at him.

“Come on,” he said, starting down the stairs.  “It’s tuna casserole tonight.” I followed him down the stairs close at his heels, both of us coming into the dining room with our differences from earlier that day resolved.

There’s a habit in this family that we all inherited, well a few, but one in particular: eavesdropping.  I know it’s rude and unethical but sometimes you just can’t help your curiosity.  Me, and mom, and Taylor (surprisingly enough) cleaned the kitchen together; he wasn’t as slowed down as he was when he was on the chemo; I think that day he told me, when I ran out, the only reason I made it out the door without him catching me was because of his treatment, because Taylor’s always been a wicked fast runner, and for him not to catch me…  There just wasn’t any other explanation in my head.  Well anyway, after we were done cleaning mom and Taylor asked me if I could give them a few minutes alone, so of course I agreed, but I wanted so badly to know what they were going to talk about that I had to listen.

“There’s something I want to tell you,” he said quietly.  “I feel so guilty about it – I never told anybody; you’ll be the only other person who knows beside me and Shanna.”

“Who’s Shanna?” She asked.

“My ex-girlfriend.  We were dating for the last year; she was the first long time relationship I’d had in a long time…” He was quiet for moment.  “I did something horrible to her, Mom.” The first thing I thought of was he cheated on her, but that didn’t seem so horrible coming from Taylor.  Sorry, I know, but still…  Then a thought crossed my mind that I never want to ever think of again; I thought maybe he raped her, but even as much as a bastard as he had been I knew he wasn’t capable of something like that.

“Baby, what is it?”

“I left her,” he said quietly, “because she was pregnant.”

“What?” She was shocked, mildly so, but shocked nonetheless.  “Was… was it yours?”

“Yeah,” he answered quietly.  “I told her I didn’t want a baby, and I told her I wasn’t going to have anything to do with her if she had it…” He was almost in tears; I could hear it in his voice.

“Taylor,” she said softly, almost scoldingly.  “Where is she now?  And what happened?”

“She got an abortion, Mom, because of me,” he cried softly.  “She killed that baby because of me…”

“Oh honey…”

“I don’t want your sympathy.” I was shocked to hear him say that.  “I deserve every ounce of guilt I have; I’m the one who told her I didn’t want her if she had the baby.  And now… now I feel so… horrible, Mom.”

“She chose to do it, Taylor,” mom reasoned.

“Because of me,” he replied.  “If I hadn’t said what I did then she never would have had it done.”

“Taylor, why are you telling me this?” She asked him softly.  I heard the scraping of chair legs as she pulled out a chair and sat next to him.

“When I went for the consultation about chemo, one of the repercussions is… if I live through this, it damages the sex cells; I probably won’t be able to have kids.”

“Oh Taylor…”

“After I found that out, all I could think of was Shanna and that baby…  I called her the other night; she said she forgives me; God only knows why, but she does.”

“Isn’t that good?”

“I guess.  But I have nothing to offer her.  I’m just going to die anyway – “

“Jordan,” she whispered.  “Don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered in return.  “I deserve this,” he said quietly.  “I deserve everything that’s happening to me after all the things I did to people who’ve done nothing but love me.  God has every right to hate me.”

“God doesn’t hate, Taylor,” she said softly.  I felt bad for intruding on this, but I had and I knew something now that I wasn’t sure how I felt about.  I didn’t believe in abortion because of my moral and religious upbringing, but this girl that Taylor had gotten pregnant obviously did.  Taylor could have been a daddy…  And with the way he used to be with Zoë, and the way he is with her now – the way he is with all young children I guess – says that he would have been a good one too.

“Why not?  After everything I did – “

“Stop it.  You’ve made up for the things you’ve done; you’re changing your lifestyle.”

“It isn’t gonna save me, Mom.  I’ve still got this horrific cancer, and…” he was quiet a moment, “there’s no guarantee that treatment is going to do anything.  I need a miracle to live through this Ma, and I don’t feel like I even deserve it, so how can I expect to get one?” He was in tears again, and I heard my mother say something comforting and heard them embrace, and decided I had done enough intruding for one day.  I would keep it to myself, not even writing it in my journal; that was something I wasn’t supposed to have heard in the first place, and I wanted to make sure it never got out.  It was none of my business, and yet I knew, and I felt bad for Taylor, and for his ex-girlfriend, Shanna, and for that baby that will never get to open its eyes to this world or take its first breath.  And Taylor… I had hope, but it wasn’t enough; every time I heard him speak despairingly I was afraid that one day too soon he’d be taking his last breath.

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