Installment Five

Contrary to what it may seem, other things were going on in my life beside my preoccupation with my brother.  I had school, and friends to think about, and JR.  He’d called me a lot in the passed few days.  He wants me to go out with him, as in a date.  I have to admit that I’m a little nervous; I’ve never really been out on dates, and I’ve never really had a boyfriend, so it’s a little scary.  But… it’s a little exciting at the same time.  Someone is actually interested in me.  Of course, Zac wants to meet him, but I haven’t exactly agreed to that yet, and Isaac is coming to dinner on Sunday – he wants to meet JR too.  Melanie is more excited than me, I think.  In a sense, it seems almost surreal.  But I’m not complaining.

When I got off the phone with JR, dad came into the den and sat down on the small couch across the room.  I had the distinct feeling he was going to give me a lecture, or something relatively similar to a lecture.

“You busy?” He asked me.  It seemed innocent enough.

“No,” I said.

“Have you talked to Taylor at all?”

I groaned.  “Dad… why are you bringing this up?”

“Honey, I’m not here to lecture you.” Sure Dad.  “It’s just, I talked to your mom, and she said you two had a long talk, and you were just asking some questions…”

“No, I haven’t,” I said.  “I haven’t seen him; he stays in his room and I’ve been busy.”

“Well…” he shrugged a little.  “When you get the chance, sit down and talk to him?”

“Mom already talked about this with me; I said I’d try when I was ready.” To my complete surprise, he surrendered.

“Okay,” he said, “just making sure.” He got up and started out.  “So, um, what’s this I hear about a date with JR?”

“Dad…” I felt my face flush with heat, and knew I was lovely shade of red.  “It’s no big deal.”

“Sure it is.  You’ve spent a lot of time with him lately.”

“So?  Isn’t that good?”

“Hmph.” That was his reply.

“Relax, Daddy,” I said, getting up and hugging him.  “Everything is good.” I kissed his cheek.

“Why don’t you have him over for dinner on Sunday?” He asked, looking down at me, but I shook my head.  I was most definitely not up for having him over for dinner.  Not with Isaac, Zac, and him all together.

“No,” I replied, and smiled.  “Nice try.” He shrugged, and smiled a little too.

“I’m heading downstairs to help your mom get dinner started.” He kissed the top of my head.  “Talk to Taylor,” he whispered, and disappeared down the hall.  I sighed.  I guess there’s no time like the present – unless it’s the future, or never.  I might as well get it over with.

I trudged down the hallway to Taylor’s room.  The door was partway open, enough for me to see inside; I could see him sitting at the desk in the corner, chin rested on his hand, just gazing out the window.  I pushed the door open quietly, and went in.  He looked at me, but didn’t say anything; he turned his chair, so he was facing me as I sat down on the edge of his bed.  I sighed.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you in here,” he said.  He sounded… sad?  The anger we had felt for each other not too long ago seemed to be gone from him.

“I wasn’t expecting to see me in here either,” I replied, unenthusiastically.  “But mom seems to think that I should talk to you.  I’m yet to be convinced.”

“No one’s forcing you to stay here,” he said, and gestured to the door.  “Go if you want.  I think it’s obvious how you feel about me.”

“Taylor…” I shook my head.  “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t hate you, one good reason why I shouldn’t stay mad at you for the rest of my life.”

“Because,” he said quietly, looking at the floor.  “I’m human, and I make mistakes too.” I was shocked.  I had never expected to hear those words come out of his mouth.  Maybe mom was right… maybe he had changed…  “And I’m sorry…” I didn’t know how to respond to that.  So I didn’t, and I changed the subject.

“So what do you have in there anyway?” I asked pointing to the “purse”.  It didn’t really look like a purse; it looked more like a fanny pack, and there was something rectangular in it, I could tell that much.  He looked down at it for a moment, and I couldn’t read the expression on his face.  It was almost blank for a moment, and then I saw the same look I saw in mom’s eyes, just a different form.

“It’s nothing,” he said, his voice quiet.  I couldn’t tell if he’d said with sadness, anger, bitterness, or even contempt, and I didn’t know if it was directed at me for asking the question, or because he was hiding the answer he didn’t want anyone to know.

“It can’t be that bad – “

“Just drop it, Avery.” He said quickly.  “It doesn’t matter,” he said crossly, pushing himself back in his chair.  I sat there for a moment and shook my head.

“You and your secrets, Taylor,” I said quietly.  I stood to leave and he didn’t stop me, which I was thankful for, and then I turned to him sadly.  “I knew you couldn’t have changed.  Everything you just said was probably just another lie… Everything you are is lies.” We just looked at each other for a long moment.  “Everything about you that I remember, all the good things,” I shook my head, “it’s all overshadowed by all your broken promises and lies.  I don’t know why I thought it would be any different now.”

“Avery…”

I shook my head.  “Never mind,” I said quietly.  I started out of his room.

“Avie, please – “ I closed the door behind me, cutting him off.  I didn’t want to hear lies; I can’t believe I even thought for a moment he meant what he said.  I can’t deny though, that something was wrong.  Something about him just wasn’t right…   I’m not saying that I’m concerned, or that I even care, just like I said before – I just wanted to know.

Dinner wasn’t bad on Sunday – there were a lot of questions for Taylor, about New York, about his friends, if he had a girlfriend.  He wasn’t too enthusiastic at first about answering them all, but he eventually just started talking.  He was still wearing long sleeves, the “purse” or “fanny pack” still around his waist.  I was just quiet, only making conversation when it concerned me, or something was directed towards me.  I helped mom clean-up again after dinner, wanting to avoid any confrontations with Taylor.  Ike came in the kitchen while we were cleaning, just wanting to visit for a while.

“So what have you been up to little sister?” He asked me, taking a sip of his coffee.  Mom was just quiet.  I looked at him pointedly.

“I’m almost as tall as you, so you really can’t call me ‘little’ anymore.” We both smiled.  “And not much; hanging out with my friends and doing homework most of the time.”

“So, uh, when do I get to meet JR?” He asked, taking another sip of his coffee from the mug with his name on the side.

“How about never?” I suggested with a grin.  “And isn’t there a mug that says Doofus on it that’s more suitable for you?” He balled up a napkin and launched it at me.  We laughed quietly for a moment.

“How are things around here?” He asked, more quietly than his other questions had been.  I immediately got quieter, and mom looked at him.

“Fine,” I said quietly.  “You know how things go around here,” I forced a smile, “there’s always some drama going on.  Mac ate too much for lunch the other day and went running around and puked in the hallway; Zoë dropped a water balloon on Zac’s head from mom and dad’s bedroom window – “

“That’s not what I meant,” he said.  My smile faded.  “How are things with Taylor?”

“Isaac…” Mom started.

“No, it’s ok,” I said quietly.  She looked at me a little quietly.  “I talked to him, but it didn’t go that well.”

“I heard,” he said.  I looked at him questioningly.  “I talked to him a little while ago.  He wants to talk to you, still.”

“I can’t talk to him,” I said.  “I can’t trust him; I don’t know what to believe anymore when he says things.” It had been so long since I could do those things, and I had spent six years feeling nothing but anger and bitterness and hurt concerning him.

“Avery,” mom said softly.  “I know he hurt you, and I know you’re scared to get close to him again.” Get close to him?  I had no intention of doing that.  And how did she know that anyway?  I didn’t tell her that, but she was dead on target.  “But you two can’t keep this up.”

“Mom?” Taylor’s voice interrupted the three of us, and we all looked at him.  He looked a little on the pale side.  “I don’t feel too good, so I’m gonna head upstairs.” Mom turned a little more toward him, maybe a little too quickly.

“Are you all right?” She asked, sounding a little too eager.  He cast a nervous glance at Isaac and me, and then at our mother; almost immediately she straightened and calmed herself.

“Yeah,” he said quietly.  “I’m gonna take a nap.”

“Okay, baby,” she said softly, and we all watched him turn and go.

“Ma?” I looked at Isaac as he called her from only a few feet away, where we sat.  She looked at him.  “What was that all about?” She shook her head.

“Nothing,” she replied.

“Mom,” he said again.  “Is there something you’re not telling me?  Is Taylor ok?” She looked at us again, this time with tears in her eyes.

“You’ll have to talk to him,” she said, her voice a near whisper.  She set down the plate she was drying and headed out of the room, I assumed to go check on Taylor.  Isaac then looked to me, as if I knew something and had any answers.

“What was that about?” He asked me quietly.  I shrugged slightly.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled.  I was still trying to convince myself that I didn’t care what was up with Taylor that I was just curious, but I was starting to not believe myself.  “Ike… I keep telling myself that I don’t really care, that I’m not concerned but… I’m not sure if I am or not.” I said unsurely.  I knew I could talk to Isaac; he’s really good with advice, and I’m sure he could probably make more sense of what I was telling myself than I could.

“What do you mean?” He asked, his brow creasing.  He looked a lot like dad right then.

“I know this sounds crazy, stupid even,” I mumbled the last part more to myself.  “But… I know something’s up with Taylor, I just don’t know what.  And… I think something’s wrong.”

“Like what?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.

“I don’t know, Ike.  And I keep telling myself that I’m not worried at all, that I don’t care, it’s his own freaking problem, but… I don’t know,” I shrugged a little.  “It kinda feels like I am getting concerned.” He almost smiled, but not quiet, sensing that I was right and something was going on.

“Whether you like to admit if or not, you feel that way because he’s your brother and you love him, no matter how long you’ve been mad at him.” I hated it when he was right; I felt like an idiot.

“I don’t know.” I looked toward the doorway, and I could hear dad talking with Jess and Zac and Rachel, and I could hear Mac cracking up watching reruns of the Simpson’s.

“You wanna get outta here for a little while?” He asked me.  He was always good at sensing how a person felt, or interpreting what they were thinking before they were even sure they were thinking it.  I loved that about him, and I was very thankful at that moment for his abilities to do just that.

“Yeah,” I sighed.  “I need to get out of here for a while.”

“Want some ice cream?  I think Tasty Freeze is open.” I smiled a little at his kind gesture.  Leave it to Ike to take your mind off your troubles with ice cream; and the funny thing was he could do it too.  He’d let you leave it be if you wanted to, or he’d sit and listen until you were through, and offer a piece of advice afterward if you were interested.  He was one of the best brothers a girl could ask for.

“Sure,” I smiled at him warmly.  “That sounds really nice.”

“Come on, kid, just you and me for a while.” He smiled at me, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into him, kissing the top of my head.

“I love you, Ike.” I said, looking up at him.  A few more inches and I’d be eye level with him.

“Love you too, Ave.” He told dad we were skipping out for a little bit and we just left, happy to just be away for a little while.  Maybe he could help me figure out what the hell I was going to do about Taylor.  I had so much going on in my life with finals in school now, my friends wanting to get together all the time, JR always wanting to hangout – not that I mind – and then family stuff.  I was beginning to realize that being a teenager was not all it was cut out to be.  Thank God for older brothers.

After ice cream Ike brought me back home and hung out with me for a while, along with Zac and Rachel, and then he headed out.  It was good to just spend time with him for a while.  When I passed Taylor’s room, heading for my own, I could se in a little and mom was sitting on the edge of his bed talking to him.  I didn’t eavesdrop, just kept walking to my own room.  Unfortunately, I had another memory that I associated with his door being partway open.  He did a lot of things, like I’ve said a million times, which were less than decent.  Insert bad memory here.

I was heading down the hall to the room Jessie and me shared, tired beyond belief.  It was way passed my bed time and I was practically falling asleep standing up.  I had no intention of staying up any later, but the sound of hushed voices from Taylor’s room stopped me.  At almost ten years old curiosity often got me in trouble, so to speak.  I stopped outside his room, his door open enough that I could see inside if I stood little to the right.  I could see him in there with someone, a girl with choppy blonde hair.  They were talking quietly to one another, but Taylor seemed annoyed.  He hadn’t spent much time with me at all lately, and I wondered if he had been spending time with her instead.

“Kate, no one is even up,” he said quietly, running his hand through her hair.  She had her back to me so I couldn’t see her face.  He leaned over and kissed her and I fought the urge to giggle.  He was already sitting so close to her that they were touching, and he slid his hand behind her back, pulling her almost into his lap.

“Taylor,” she said quietly, pulling away from his kiss.  “People are home; they’re sleeping…”

“For Christ’s sake, Kate, no body is going to hear anything.” He argued.  “Don’t be such a damn baby.”

“I can leave now,” she said, sounding like she was getting angry too.

“Don’t be stupid,” he said.  “I know you’ll like it.” He smiled at her, leaning in and kissing her neck.  I suddenly felt like I shouldn’t be watching.  She tipped her head back.

“It doesn’t feel right,” she whispered, “having sex while people are in the house.”

“It adds to the thrill,” he replied, and I felt sick.  Mom taught me about sex, and she told me we were supposed to wait until we got married, wait for the person we loved on our wedding night.  I’d heard Taylor talking about having sex before, but it wasn’t the same as this.  I looked one more time, and he was taking her shirt off, and then his own.  I quickly crept away to mine and Jessie’s room, closing the door quietly.  I was just only beginning to understand what Taylor was like.

I had seen worse after that; I’d actually walked in on him and some girl just after I turned ten, and it wasn’t the same girl he was with that one night.  He yelled at me for ruining his “good time”, and made me cry.  He never apologized either.  By then I knew Taylor had changed, and I was feeling pretty hurt that he didn’t ever spend time with me anymore; I felt like he didn’t love me anymore.  I felt like my brother abandoned me for a bunch of girls and sex – it was nice to know what was more important to him.  And things like that are what keep me from wanting to forgive him.  How can I?

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