Chapter 16 - Hey! What are you handcuffing me for? I haven’t stepped on any ducks!

Abby

My heart felt as though it was going to pound out of my chest as every step I took carried me closer to Brooke’s front door. I was terrified, so scared I thought I wouldn’t actually have the strength to ring the doorbell. What in heaven’s name was I doing here?

The butler answered the door almost immediately after I rang the doorbell and invited me in. He was glaring at me in the way much like a father would examine the date of his daughter. Without taking his eyes off me, he picked up the house phone and dialed Brooke to let her know I was here.

If the butler was this bad, how terrifying would the father be?

“Hey, Taylor!” Brooke exclaimed, rushing down the stairs excitedly. She caught herself rushing and quickly slowed her steps. Brushing a hand through her hair, she approached us confidently. She paused and gave the butler a sweet kiss on the cheek before looping her arm through mine.

“Hey, Bro…”

“What time will you two be home?” The butler asked, his face hardening again. The burly man stared me down, his nostrils flaring as his mouth twisted into a scowl. I wondered if they paid him extra to put the fear of God in Brooke’s dates.

Brooke smiled sweetly. “Humphrey, please. We’re just going out for a little while. I promise not to be back too late. Please don’t worry.” I think even my toes were sweating.

“Well…” The big man relented.

“Goodnight, Humphrey!” Brooke exclaimed, jogging out of the house with me dragging behind her. I looked back and saw the butler giving me a look of death. With a shiver, I turned my back to him and followed Brooke to the Explorer.

Taylor was eyeing the interaction between Brooke and I with insane scrutiny. I felt as though I was under a gigantic microscope and running around a petri-dish with the rest of my fellow protozoa. Was he trying to make everything more difficult for me? How did he expect me to act naturally and comfortably when I might as well be up on a well-lit stage in my underwear?

I tried to remember my gentlemanly manners as I politely opened the car door for Brooke. Taylor grinned excitedly and I noticed he was scrawling something in a small notebook. If he was evaluating my performance as Taylor Hanson I would stuff that book where the sun don’t shine.

“Hey Abby, Zac,” Brooke began, smiling at the backseat. “Abby, I like your jacket!”

“Thanks!” Taylor exclaimed, looking down at himself proudly. “I liked it too! And you look amazing, Brooke! Doesn’t she, Taylor?”

I started the ignition and smiled fakely. “Gorgeous.”

Brooke blushed and turned to face forward again. “You don’t look so bad yourself, Taylor.” She reached over and rubbed the smooth jacket. “What a beautiful jacket! I love the feeling of suede…”

I tried not to wince as the girl gently rubbed my shoulder. I would pay the girl my weight in gold coins to stop petting me like a cat. Granted, she was flirting with me because she thought I was a guy but clearly I am not and therefore I want nothing more than to sit in my room and cry.

I heard a whine from the backseat and I instantly realized it was Taylor’s pathetic cry of inhuman jealousy. Trust me, Tay, I don’t want to be pet any more than you want to see me get petted. Hell, I’d even suffer through a date with Zac if it meant this girl would refrain from touching me for the rest of my life.

Brooke stopped petting the jacket and eventually went back to sitting comfortably in the seat next to me. For once, the car was actually peaceful. Zac was staring vacantly out the window, Brooke was fiddling through her purse, Taylor was gazing repulsively at Brooke, and I was thrilled at being not touched. If the rest of the date remained like that, I would be a happy woman.

Yet somehow I don’t believe that will be the case.

***

“I love this place!” Brooke exclaimed, nudging Taylor in the ribs. We all briskly entered the fine restaurant, one I’d never been to before. He giggled, caught himself, and hit Zac when he started laughing at him. I felt an unnatural feeling of foreboding as I pulled Brooke’s chair out for her.

The maitre d, whom took us to our table in the corner, politely sat four brown leather-bound menus in front of us. I sat down uneasily and tried to focus on my menu. Taylor, who was on my left, continued to stare at Brooke like a fool while Zac listlessly flipped through his menu.

“Don’t they serve chicken fingers here?” Zac muttered, flipping through another page.

It was then that Taylor unleashed the evil eye. It was quite frightening to see, despite the fact that it wasn’t even directed towards me. I had heard from men that all women possessed what was called “the evil eye.” I never believed it, not for one moment, believing that they were simply trying to give women a bad name. Clearly, painfully, it was actually true.

Even Zac shuddered in his seat. “What?” He squeaked, causing Brooke to look over at him inquisitively. “I like chicken fingers…” Taylor’s gaze immediately softened.

“Silly Zac, chicken fingers are for kids,” Taylor replied, shooting him one more threatening look. “This place is way to upscale to have something like chicken fingers. But look, you can get your next favorite, escargot.”

Zac slouched in his chair pitifully. “Thanks, but I think I’ll see what soups they have.”

“Suit yourself!” Taylor said, batting his eyelashes. He suddenly frowned and slapped Zac on the knee, causing him to let out a little yelp. “Sit up straight, for God’s sake! We’re in a nice restaurant!”

“Yeesh, who are you? Mom?”

Brooke smiled at the interaction between them. “It’s so obvious you two like each other. You guys act like an old married couple.” I forced myself to take a swallow of the water sitting at the table before to keep from cracking up right there. Zac looked as though he was trying to keep from falling over.

Zac snorted as Taylor simply smiled gracefully. I tried thinking of a funeral or something of that nature to keep a straight face. Even though I didn’t give a damn if Brooke ever wanted to go out on another date with Taylor again, I didn’t want her to feel as though she didn’t belong or that she was being made fun of. She was still my best friend. I think.

I continued skimming through the menu when I saw something that actually sounded edible. Lobster alfredo… made with house specialty white wine and fresh lobster. In fact, that sounded rather incredible. My eye shifted to the price.

“HOLY GODS AND LITTLE FISHES!”

“What?” Zac asked, after he nearly fell out of his chair. Taylor merely let out a small whimper and let his head hit the table in front of him.

Oh, good, now everyone in the entire restaurant is staring. Yes, uh huh, I am the cheap bastard who was screaming about the ludicrous prices. Thank you, you may now look elsewhere.

“Did you guys see the prices for this crap?” I exclaimed, forgetting about my supposed alter ego for a moment. Taylor looked like he wanted to stab me in the eye with his salad fork. “I’m serious! They’re raping our wallets for Pete’s sake!” I pointed to the lobster alfredo on the menu. “Do you see this? $69.95! I could feed a family of nine in Ethiopia for that price! Are they out of their cotton picking minds?”

Zac burst out laughing as Taylor looked as if he was praying for mercy. Brooke was looking at me with a perfectly arched eyebrow raised. I closed my menu and cleared my throat loudly.

“Not that you’re not worth every penny,” I mumbled, smiling feebly at Brooke.

“You know what, you’re right,” Brooke replied, standing up. “I, for one, do not feel like being raped tonight…” Zac, again, snorted. “Let’s go somewhere more reasonable, shall we?”

“We can eat here if you want!” I exclaimed, getting heated glares from Taylor. Oh, was he going to lay into me when we got home! “Really, I was just overreacting!”

Brooke shook her head firmly. “No, I totally agree with you. Why waste money? Besides, I’d rather you take me somewhere you like to eat.” She grinned and put on her jacket. “Abby, what do you think?”

Taylor looked up at her frantically. “I think Taylor was just being funny. It doesn’t matter about the prices.”

She sighed heavily. “Taylor, where would you like to go?”

I cast a glance in Taylor’s direction before returning my attention to Brooke. “I think we’d better get going before the waiter gets here! Come on, hurry up!”

***

“I’ll have the ten piece chicken fingers,” Zac said, as the waitress scribbled down the order. He was happy as a clam, er, chicken finger now that he was out of the stuffy restaurant. Molly’s was his favorite diner because it could fulfill all of his deep-fried needs. “Extra hot, with blue cheese on the side, and some curly fries please.” He shut the plastic menu down on the table and the waitress left to put in their orders.

Brooke happily looked around the small diner. “I’ve never been here before. I love how it has this almost fifties feel to it.”

“That’s because half of the crap in here was bought in the fifties!” I replied, laughing. I gave her a serious look. “Are you sure about your order though? You are a Molly’s first-timer after all and I wouldn’t want to see you overwhelmed.”

Brooke returned my serious look and leaned in closer. “Bring on your worst.”

“You just ordered it.”

Brooke laughed and looked over at Taylor. “Abby, are you okay? You seem a little unhappy.”

Taylor immediately perked up. “No… no, I’m fine. Really. Are you sure you don’t mind coming here though? You look so nice and this place is kind of a dive.”

“I’m fine,” she replied. “And it’s not a dive here. The Singing Dolphin is really quite pretentious if you ask me. The food is excellent but it does get old after awhile. And Taylor is absolutely right, the prices are outlandish. Usually my father takes me and my stepmother to lunch there because I think it makes him feel like he’s better than everyone because then he gets to shove his money around…” She trailed off when she noticed her mouth was once again running off. She quickly took a sip of her pink lemonade. “So when did you and Zac start dating?”

Zac leaned over and put his hand on Taylor’s, earning him yet another dirty look. “It’s really quite romantic how we fell in love...”

“I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear it, Poopsy,” Taylor muttered, gritting his teeth. I had to admit, I was having more fun on this “date” than I’d like to let on.

Brooke’s eyes lit up and she clapped her hands together excitedly. “Love? Oh, that’s so romantic! Please, tell me! I want to hear!”

“Don’t be embarrassed, Boo-boo,” Zac replied, looking at Brooke innocently. “My little Boo-boo bear gets embarrassed when we talk about our heated romance.”

Taylor was literally fuming at this point. Had I been a nice person, I might have tried to end his suffering by changing the subject. I could have so easily deterred Brooke’s attention from them to me with merely a wink of effort. I regret to admit it but, alas, I am not a nice person. In fact, I am enjoying his torment quite a lot.

“What happened?” Brooke exclaimed, sipping her lemonade. Zac grinned and put an arm around Taylor, giving him a quick noogie.

“Well, she became instant friends with my brother and started hanging around at the house all the time,” Zac began, milking the attention. “Of course, she was immediately smitten with me because of my impeccable charm…”

Brooke giggled and winked at Taylor. “Oh, of course.” Taylor attempted to smile back but it came out as a wince.

“And one day she came over, dropped to her knees and…”

“ZACHARY HANSON YOU SHUT YOUR FILTHY…”

“And told me how much she loved me,” Zac finished, smiling sweetly at Taylor. “From then on we’ve been in this whirlwind romance that I can hardly describe! Can you, sweetness?”

Brooke sighed heavily. “Wow. It’s incredible to have an instant connection like that. It sounds like love at first sight!”

“Almost sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it?” Taylor asked, weakly. He shot me a desperate look and try as I might to ignore it, I sort of felt an inkling of pity for the fellow.

“Hey! You all wanna hear something funny?” I exclaimed, loudly. Yeah, I had no idea what I was going to say yet. But hopefully, it would be somewhat funny.

“Are you going to tell us a joke or something?” Zac asked, still beaming from his Taylor torture.

“Ooh!” Brooke’s eyes lit up again. “Tell us a joke!”

“Okay,” I began. I searched my brain for something remotely witty. “Okay, I’ve got one. A mushroom walks into a bar…”

“Someone please end my pain…” Taylor muttered to himself, sinking into the booth.

I ignored his feeble pleas. I thought this was a funny joke, so they probably will too. “A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender looks at him and the mushroom goes, “I’d like a rum and coke, please.” The bartender shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The mushroom looks at the bartender and says, “Why not? I’m a really fun guy.””

I think I can hear the crickets chirping in the distance.

“Get it?” I asked, energetically. “A fun guy? A fungi? Mushrooms are fungi? Hello?”

Zac cracked a smile. “That was truly awful, man.”

Brooke grinned wickedly. “You think that’s bad? Listen to this one. So, these two muffins are in the oven and one muffin says to the other, “Hot in here isn’t it?” The other muffin stares at the first and goes, “Holy shit a talking muffin!””

I snorted. “Is that it?”

She burst out laughing. “Yup, that would be it.”

“You guys officially suck at joke telling and therefore have been denied all joke telling privileges from hereon out!” Zac insisted, shaking his head.

“That’s the first time I’ve heard a joke worse than my own!” I exclaimed, bursting out into full-fledged laughter. “Fine, Zac, you think you can do better?”

“I couldn’t do worse,” he replied, grinning.

I shrugged. “The floor is yours, my man.”

“Hmm, let’s see. Okay, Brooke, Abby, and you unfortunately die in a horrible car crash...”

“Good joke, idiot,” Taylor muttered sarcastically, hitting Zac in the shoulder. “Tell it again.”

“I’m not done!” He protested, dodging his punch. “Okay, so you three tragically die in a car accident. You’ve all been pretty good people in your lives so you have no doubt that you’re going to get into heaven. So, you’re waiting to get into heaven when you bump into Saint Peter. He’s a real great guy and he gives you guys a warning. He says, “Now, I know you three are really good people so I wanted to let you in on a little something. Now in heaven, there’s a lot of ducks flying around. They’re very precious to God, and therefore you must be very careful. If you accidentally step on a duck you will be severely punished. There is a terrible, terrible consequence for stepping on ducks.” So, of course, the three of you are very grateful for the advice and vow to never, ever step on a duck. Unfortunately, one day in heaven Brooke gets distracted and accidentally steps on a duck. Saint Peter comes down to her and as punishment, handcuffs the ugliest, most repulsive man to her for all eternity. Abby and Taylor see this and they’re confident that they will never, ever step on any ducks because of the horrible penalty. However, Abby was playing football with some of the other angels and oops, stepped on a duck. Saint Peter came back once again and handcuffed a disgusting, revolting man to her for all eternity. Taylor sees this and thinks to himself, ‘There is no way I am going to step on a duck!’ So he makes sure he walks around heaven so meticulously with his head down so that he never steps on a duck. One day Saint Peter comes over to him with handcuffs and Taylor says, “Hey! What are you handcuffing me for? I haven’t stepped on any ducks!” Saint Peter nods and says, “I know, but that girl over there has…””

Brooke and I burst out laughing as Taylor scowled with his arms folded over his chest. Our waitress then brought out our food and set our plates in front of us. Zac greedily began chowing down his chicken fingers, Taylor picked at his lifeless hamburger, I put some more ketchup on my bacon cheeseburger, and Brooke simply stared at her plate with a disgusted expression.

I looked over at her and grinned. “You look like you’re going to vomit. Is there a problem with your order madam?”

Brooke swallowed hard. “Nope. I’ve just, ugh, never seen anything quite like this.” She stabbed at it with her fork. “It’s kind of gross looking.”

I looked down at the plate and shrugged. “This coming from the girl who eats caviar.” I dipped one of my French fries in some ketchup and shoved it in my mouth. I was positively starving. Taylor’s insane metabolism made me hungry all the freaking time. “Don’t be scared. Chilidogs are quite harmless.”

Zac looked over at Brooke’s plate hopefully. “If you’re not going to eat those pass ‘em over!”

“Hell no, Hanson!” I exclaimed, snapping my fingers at his face to get his attention off the dogs. “Your intestines aren’t capable of handling such things!” I whispered to Brooke, “He farts in his sleep.”

“Hey! I heard that and I just want to say in my own defense that tooting is good for you...” Zac exclaimed, laughing wholeheartedly. “Brooke understands, don’t you Brooke? Everybody farts.”

“Oh, bloody, fucking hell...” Taylor moaned, searching the heavens for some type of answer.

Brooke laughed and made a face. “That is so gross!”

I chuckled. “You have no idea! There have been times I couldn’t sleep due to this guy over here and his chronic flatulence.” Brooke let out a shriek of laughter and almost sent her lemonade flying. By now, all three of us were practically in tears we were laughing so hard. Only Taylor remained in a permanent frown, muttering to himself every now and then.

“Abby, what’s wrong?” Brooke asked, looking at her friend inquisitively.

“Yeah, boo-boo, what’s wrong?” Zac asked, snickering.

Taylor glared at his brother before returning his full attention back to Brooke. “Oh, it’s nothing really. I’m just anxious to end all of this lovely conversation and to go out dancing.”

Brooke grinned and turned to me. “Is that where we’re going next? Are we really going dancing?”

I grinned weakly. It’s as if the poor girl has never gone to a club before. “Um, yeah, I guess we are. That is, if you’re up to it after eating these here chilidogs.”

Brooke looked down at her plate and her smile faded. “How bad could they be, right?”

“Famous last words,” Zac muttered, as we all watched Brooke take a big bite.

***

“BBBBBEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHH!!!!”

“Ugh! You’re stinking up the car!” Zac shouted, waving his hand in front of his face. I chuckled as I stopped at a red light. We’d only just gotten back into the car to begin our journey to a local club, The Perplexed Octopus.

Brooke giggled and covered her mouth with her hand. “Sorry! Those were powerful dogs!”

“You’re telling us!” Zac exclaimed, still waving his hand in front of his nose.

“Well, at least you’re handling them with grace,” I replied, receiving a whack on the side of the head from Brooke.

“Careful, he’s not the most stable driver,” Zac warned, from the backseat. “You might want to wait until we’re safely out of the car before you start beating on him.”

Brooke finger-combed her hair. “That’s okay. I’ll just take it out on him on the dance floor!” Zac “oohed” from the backseat dramatically. Taylor continued to bite his lips in the same worrisome fashion he had all night.

I peered over at her. “Are you insinuating that you’re a better dancer than me?”

“No, I’m outright saying it!” She challenged. That earned another “ooh” from the backseat.

“Let’s have a contest then. Loser has to eat five chilidogs?”

“With hot sauce!”

“Deal,” I replied, shaking her hand firmly. I felt a not so gentle tap on my right shoulder.

“Um, Taylor, I don’t mean to burst your bubble but you don’t dance,” Taylor muttered, rubbing his temples roughly. It was as if he was trying to make his pain go away by rubbing a hole through the sides of his skull. “Like, at all. You sing. You do not dance. Sing. Not dance. Get it?”

“Oh, let him make a fool out of himself,” Brooke insisted, winking at Taylor. “I want to see him choke down those chilidogs.

Taylor bit his bottom lip. “But you see how tall and skinny he is. That creates a hazardous living environment for anything remotely kinesthetic.”

“Don’t worry about me, Abby,” I began, smiling sweetly at him through my rearview mirror. “I’ve got killer moves I’ve been just DYING to unleash.”

“You hear that, Abby? KILLER moves!” Zac exclaimed, in Taylor’s ear.

Taylor sighed and pressed his forehead against the hard glass window. “I hate life.”

***

The Perplexed Octopus was jam-packed tonight. There were drunk, sweaty teenagers and early twenty-somethings everywhere you turned. I paid the outrageous cover charge and we were thankfully fortunate enough to find a vacant booth towards the back of the smoky club. We sat down and I ordered four cokes from the walking bartender.

Shortly we received our overpriced beverages and I couldn’t help but laugh at the cups. Each cup was a brightly colored upside down octopus, tentacles and all. Without the straw I think it would have been fairly difficult to even drink out of them.

“Don’t these tentacles just make you horny?” Zac whispered in Taylor’s ear. Zac licked his lips and fingered one of the tentacles in mock sensuality.

Taylor swatted him away. “You’re an ass.”

“Whatever,” he muttered, placing his hands lazily behind his head. “You just want me for my body anyway.”

It was then that Brooke invited me out onto the dance floor. Warning bells were going off everywhere and yet I was helpless to listen to their pertinent messages. I looked to Taylor for help but he was too busy yelling at Zac. I had no choice but to enter the dance floor of death with Brooke Thompson.

She coyly wrapped her arms around my neck as she started to sway her hips back and forth. I nervously put my hands lightly on her curvy hips. Unfortunately, she then decided to grind against me, one hand touching my hair softly.

Did I mention that the other hand was on my ass? Cause it is.

And I don’t like it.

Help?

“So, what are these killer moves you were dying to unleash?” She whispered, as I tried to keep from crying like a two year old who lost her favorite Barbie doll.

I quickly separated from her. “Oh, I’m not sure if you’re ready for those. You see, you have to stay a good two feet away from me the entire time and...”

Brooke giggled and wiggled a finger at me. “You’re not getting shy, are you Taylor Hanson?” I pretended to dance comfortably (which obviously looked incredibly awkward) while she shook and shimmied around me. She was definitely defying the two-foot perimeter. Big time.

I looked over at Zac and Taylor, who were sort of dancing together. If you could call it dancing. I’m guessing Taylor wanted to spy on Brooke and I and therefore threatened Zac’s life until he agreed to join him. It was almost comical to watch them pretend to dance. Every now and then Taylor would stomp on Zac’s foot as hard as he could. A pathetically fake “So sorry” could be heard off in the distance every so often.

However, I was in too much anguish to enjoy the mishaps of others. Right now there was a girl grinding her butt against my crotch. What the hell did I do to deserve this, Lord? WHAT I ASK?

I didn’t want to do it to him. I really and truly didn’t. But Taylor has to understand that despite my slight pity for him, I simply cannot sacrifice my mental stability (or what’s left of it anyhow) anymore. Every person has a limit to what he/she can endure and I’m sorry but mine’s been filled since the ass-grab.

“You want to see my killer moves?” I shrieked, causing her to jump slightly. It at least gave me some breathing room for the time being. “Prepare to be mystified!”

It was then that I began my exotic dance, filled with sensuality and illusion. I began with the sprinkler, tossed in some lawnmower, broke into the running man, sailed into the shopping cart, bounced into the macarena, shimmied into the fax machine, and went out with a bang with the coveted moonwalk.

“Oh my Lord! She fainted!”

Brooke fainted? I knew I was good but I never thought I was THAT good!

My ego balloon was quickly popped when I realized that it hadn’t been Brooke that fainted, it had been Taylor! A part of me wanted to simply laugh and point at him lying helplessly on the floor, call him a woman, and proceed to tell him to stop being a little bitch and take his pansy ass off the floor. However, Brooke was thoroughly freaked so I knelt down and helped Zac lift him to his feet. We took him back to our booth and sat him on the squishy seat.

His eyes opened slowly and he let out an awful groan. “Am I in hell?”

“If by hell you mean The Perplexed Octopus, than you are correct,” I replied, handing him a glass of water. “Drink this.”

“Are you okay?” Brooke asked, feeling his forehead. Taylor smiled warmly at her soft touch.

“I think all the heat and excitement was too much for me,” Taylor began, lying fluently. “I hope I didn’t ruin everyone’s good time.” I hated the way he fabricated things so eloquently. Every time I try to lie my way out of something I always end up fucking it up somehow. It just wasn’t fair. God should have never graced this boy with such an angelic face and a devious mind.

***

The car ride home was fairly uneventful. We were all starting to get a little tired from our crazy night and we were all yawning up a storm.

“Taylor?” Taylor asked, at one point on the way back to Brooke’s house. “Is there any possible way we can stop back at Molly’s for a second? I just want to run in quick and grab something to go. I have a hankering for a couple chilidogs.”

“Sure,” I muttered, yawning. He was probably starving to death since he’d barely sampled his dinner. He was too busy starving in protest of life itself to bother with eating something he was spending his own money on. I always hated wasting perfectly good food when there are some people in the world who don’t have the luxury of eating good meals.

After a quick stop at Molly’s, we made it back to Brooke’s in record time. I unbuckled my seatbelt as Brooke trotted up her long sidewalk.

“I’ll be right there,” I called after her. Before I could open the door, Taylor opened it for me.

“I just want to let you know that I hate you immensely and that I gave Zac those chilidogs to enjoy.” He grinned villainously. “Have a pleasant sleep.” With that said, he hurried up Brooke’s walkway and entered the mansion before I could catch up.

Wicked, wicked boy.

I found Brooke waiting outside the door for me. I smiled tensely, hating this situation even more than Taylor at this moment. Was I supposed to say something profound? Would a simple goodnight suffice?

“I had a really great time tonight,” Brooke began, smiling shyly. Holy fucking hell, she wanted to kiss me!

“Er, yeah. Me too. Loads of fun.” I need to get out of here. Oh, do I need to get out of here!

She stepped closer. “Maybe we could do it again some time?”

“I’m sure he’d, I mean I’d, like that.”

She stepped yet closer. “Goodnight Taylor.” Her eyes closed and she was about ready to move in for the kill when I shoved my hand out in front of me. She opened one eye regrettably and appeared quite taken aback when she noticed my extended hand. She took my hand and shook it softly.

“Night Brooke. See ya in school!”

“Um, yeah,” she replied, still bewildered. “Drive safely.” I smiled once more before awkwardly making my way back to the Explorer. I shut the door behind me and took a deep breath before starting the car. Zac, who had moved up to the front seat, chuckled softly.

“Way to go, killer,” he teased, earning a tired look from me.

“Shut up, Zac. You’ve had your fun for tonight.” I yawned again. “Please don’t mock this tired soul. My night has been a mockery in itself.”

FFFFAAARRRRRTTTTT.

I sighed and secretly wished I could have bashed my head right through the windshield. “Stop it. Stop it now, Zachary! There will be none of that!”

FFFAAARRRTTT.

“Like I can help it!” Zac exclaimed, weakly.

FFFAAARRRTTT.

“Don’t make me cork it!” I shouted, nearly running a red light. “I swear to God I will cork that shit!”

“Lay off! It’s a function of life!”

“You know what else is a function of life?” I asked, glaring at him. “Death!”

FFFAAARRRTTT.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”