Chapter 14 - Excuse me, fate? Why don’t you fuck me up the ass with a baseball bat while you’re at it?

Abby

He smiled that coy, irresistible smile at me as he ran his long fingers through my hair. I shivered, and curled up right underneath his chin. I felt his warm breath tingling my skin and I felt so weak that I thought my knees were going to give out on me.

“Abby, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen,” he whispered, kissing along my neck. “And I should know, I’ve BEEN you.”

My eyes threatened to roll up into my head. “Oh, God, that feels good.”

I could feel him smile cockily. “You know what else feels good...”

The door suddenly opened and Isaac walked into the bedroom. We both separated regrettably and tried to look as innocent as two guilty people possibly could. He walked over to the two of us and grinned at us.

“Taylor, let me know when you guys finish,” he murmured, his cool brown eyes burning into mine. “Then I’ll show her what a real man feels like.”

I gasped and Taylor had to catch me to prevent me from fainting with delight. Taylor, being the jealous type that he is, glared at his brother menacingly. Isaac continued to stare at Taylor confidently.

“Oh, you think you could even keep up with me?” Taylor boasted, puffing his chest out slightly.

Isaac snickered. “Tay, I call you ‘Little Brother’ for more reasons than one. You could never satisfy Abby like I could.”

Taylor’s jaw dropped. “You wanna discuss this outside?”

“Oh, a fruit fly could accidentally fly into you and you’d fall down with a broken rib.”

“That’s it! You’re a dead man!”

“Boys!” I interjected, physically coming between them. “There’s plenty of me to go around. Why fight when we can share?” Taylor and Isaac looked at each other for a moment before looking back at me.

“Well, I guess we could both make love to you at the same time,” Taylor suggested, shrugging his shoulders.

“But I get to rub the body oil on her back!” Isaac insisted, enthusiastically.

“What!! NO!!” Taylor shouted, quieting once receiving a death glare from me. I could see him physically squelching his anger. “FINE. But then I get to feed her the strawberries!”

Isaac rolled his eyes. “Okay, I guess that’s fair. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve prepared a hot bubble bath?”

I grinned happily. “Oh, that sounds absolutely divine, Isaac. You’re so thoughtful.”

Taylor growled obscenities to himself before his face completely lit up. He dug through his jean pockets and pulled out a bag of pink rose petals. “Well, I hope you don’t mind if I sprinkle rose petals on you while you soak?”

“Wake up, sleeping ugly.”

I groaned as one eye opened menacingly. Whoever just disturbed my all-time greatest almost sex dream would pay dearly for their interruption.

Damn you, Zac Hanson. Damn you to hell.

“Why have you decided to wake me...” I muttered, reaching for the alarm clock nearby. “...a good five minutes before my alarm was set to go off?” Although seemingly unreasonable, the urge to cry stabbed at me. A lot of good stuff could have happened in those precious five minutes!

“Because I was afraid you were going to choke and die on your saliva,” Zac explained, pointing to my spit-drenched pillowcase. “Having good dreams, were we?”

“Oh, eat me,” I barked, sitting up and pushing back the covers. Zac laughed and started fumbling through different drawers.

“I don’t think that’s physically possible in the state you’re in, sweetness.”

“You are the most evil, satanic person I have ever... OH MY GOD!”

“WHAT? WHAT?” Zac asked, whirling around so fast that the clothes in his arms went flying around the room. All of a sudden he fell to the ground cackling like a hyena. His face grew red from laughing hysterically and his entire body was convulsing.

“WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?” I demanded, feeling the panic start to choke me. I looked into the mirror and wanted to faint onto the floor. As soon as the absolute terror started to dissipate I was going to rip off Zac’s head and post it on a spike in the front yard for laughing at my sheer misfortune.

“A boner! I can’t believe you woke up with a BONER!”

“Make it go away!” I screamed, stomping on the floor.

“I’m not touching it!” Zac exclaimed, wiping the tears off his face.

“IT HURTS!” I wailed, feeling tears spring into my eyes. I don’t know what I wanted to cry for. I’m not sure if it was because I was shocked, or scared, or embarrassed, or even in pain, but I wanted to sob into my pillow. This stuff wasn’t supposed to happen to me! I’m not really a boy!

Zac stood up and walked towards me, only to erupt in a fit of giggles once again. I scowled and turned back to the mirror again. I’d never seen an actual boner before (one that wasn’t on TV, that is) so I was almost kind of impressed. But the awe of it was greatly overshadowed by my desire to get rid of it.

“Zac, if you could please stop laughing for two seconds…”

“Is everything okay in there?” Mrs. Hanson asked, opening the door slowly. My eyes went from the bulge in my boxers to Zac in the second it took before I dived onto Taylor’s bed. Mrs. Hanson stepped all the way in and looked to Zac and I for answers. “I heard shouting. Tay, are you hurt, sweetie?”

“No, Mom,” I insisted, sweating bullets. I tried to smile convincingly but Taylor’s penis was causing way too much pain right at the moment. My kingdom for a butcher knife...

Zac was trying his hardest to contain his laughter. He stared at the floor intensely, and I could tell he was biting his lip forcefully. Meanwhile, I was smiling falsely while praying for the incessant throbbing to stop and that Taylor’s mom wouldn’t catch on.

“Well, okay,” Mrs. Hanson began, eyeing us suspiciously. She didn’t believe our hapless cover for a moment. “Breakfast will be ready in ten minutes then.”

When the door blessedly shut behind the woman I let out a huge sigh of relief. Zac finally was able to let out the giggles he’d been squelching. I, on the other hand, would have loved to see him hold his breath and laughter in until his head exploded.

“Zac, I am begging you, please help me get rid of this,” I whined, pulling the sheets off me again. “I can’t leave the room like this!” Zac finally stopped laughing, but a smirk remained on his face. I supposed that was better than nothing.

“You’re going to have to take care of it yourself, sweetie,” Zac said, fighting more giggles. “Wild horses couldn’t make me touch another man’s penis. Especially one that belonged to my brother.”

“Keep telling yourself that, creampuff.” I groaned, wishing for the luxury of death. “I can’t... can’t... jerk him off!”

Again, more giggles.

“ZAC!”

“Okay, okay, sheesh woman!” He exclaimed, thinking for a moment. “I don’t honestly think Taylor would mind. I think he might be a tad disappointed that you weren’t doing it while he was inside his body but cest la vie.”

“I hate you.”

“Joking aside, I really don’t think he’d care,” Zac continued, shrugging his shoulders. “He knows the pain of waking up with a hard on, especially after a Beverly Hills 90210 marathon... hee, hee... I kill myself sometimes…”

“Let me know if you ever need help with that...”

“Oh, Abby, lighten up!” Zac exclaimed, smacking me on the arm.

I glared at him. “Lighten up? I’m pitching a tent in my shorts! This is a serious issue for me! Can you please be a little understanding?”

Zac’s face softened and he sighed. “Okay, seriously, if you don’t want to touch it, you could try taking a cold shower. If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“A cold shower...” I mused, thoughtfully. The idiot might actually have something there. I rushed into the bathroom down the hall (after making sure no sibling was nearby of course) and quickly turned on the shower. I let out a horrifying scream as the icy water stabbed like knives into my back. This shower thing had better work or Zac would find himself eating solids from a straw for the rest of his life.

After twenty minutes of gritted teeth, goose bumps, shivering, and swearing, I turned off the water with a great deal of contempt. However, that seemed to have been the miracle cure for my erection woes. I was no longer in pain, thank the Lord, and it was back to its normal, floppy resting position. No more high hard ones for Abby Deluca!

I padded back into Taylor’s bedroom with a towel wrapped around my waist. Zac was grooming himself in front of the full-length mirror, mainly fussing with his hair. I shut the door behind me and started to search for a clean pair of boxers.

“How’s your Johnson?” Zac asked, grinning viciously.

“Fine, thank you,” I replied, coolly. “We had a serious talk about what was appropriate morning behavior and I think we’ve finally come to an agreement. He won’t pop up unexpectedly and I won’t have to go all Lorena Bobbit on his ass.”

Zac made a face. “It’s not his fault, you know. He only sprung to attention because you were having a dirty little dream in your head. I wonder, what WERE you dreaming about exactly?” Zac grinned once more before leaving the bedroom. “By the way, we have to leave in ten minutes.”

The door slammed shut and I finally had the time to really consider what had actually happened and why.

Well, that was easy. I was having a sex dream about Isaac.

And Taylor.

Oh my God, please tell me that I was misremembering! How could I possibly want to have sex with Taylor if I WAS him? Although, technically in my dream I was back in my body and he was back in his... I am such a dirty person. Do they prescribe medication for this sort of thing?

I checked myself out in the mirror as I held the towel around my waist. A naked, shaggy-haired, blond boy was staring back at me with the most inquisitive, startling blue eyes I’d ever seen. The boy staring back at me was beautiful, even with wet, matted hair clinging to him.

I hate myself sometimes.

I had to be physically impossible for me to like Taylor Hanson. Sure, he’s good looking but I AM him! His hair is now mine, his eyes are now mine, his smile is now mine... Everything that was once his is now mine. For me to actually be attracted to him had to cross some sort of unrelenting line. To stare at myself in such a way is far past conceit and egomania.

I have a crush on myself.

Well, I suppose me liking Taylor explain a lot. It would pose as some sort of explanation as to why I always seem to jump down his throat and how he can get under my skin so easily. But there is nothing that explains why I’d like Taylor. His personality leaves a lot to be desired and sometimes he’s just downright annoying. Our personalities mesh about as well together as oil and vinegar. And sometimes, I firmly believe that we hate each other. Oh, and I think he weighs less than me.

Bastard.

And let’s not forget the fact that I am going to marry Isaac Hanson at some point of my life and have ten of his babies. Since I like Ike so much, why would I have the teensiest inkling of feeling for Taylor? NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY FREAKING SENSE!!!!

I stared at myself for a moment longer before rolling my eyes. How I was ever going to look the real Taylor in the eye at school? What if he has this sixth sense kind of thing where he can smell the morning boner off me? I wonder if it really does emit some kind of odor… Okay, I am really being stupid.

“Excuse me, fate? Why don’t you fuck me up the ass with a baseball bat while you’re at it?”

***

“Hey, what do you think about putting the giant witch cut-out in the center of this wall with all the black cats surrounding her?” Taylor asked, closing his eyes while holding his arms out. “It’ll be a masterpiece, I’m sure of it.”

I smiled briefly and replied with a quick “sure.” Detention had only just begun and I was already searching for the closest possible exits. I hoped that if I simply refused to look him in the eye or make conversation with him, my newfound feelings of attraction for him would cease.

Did I also mention that I’ve avoided mirrors all day?

“So... do you hate that idea?” Taylor asked, a bit put out at my less than enthusiastic response to his oh-so brilliant idea.

I honestly didn’t want to hear myself talk. My voice sounded so grainy and sensual to my ears... and we just cannot have that. I wonder if I just spoke in a psuedo-Urkel voice if that would help matters?

“Did I mention that I’ve just recently won the lottery and that I rode my pet unicorn to school?”

Maybe I should shave my head. If my hair wasn’t so freaking sexy than I could concentrate on more important things, like counting blades of grass. Getting mud-brown colored contacts doesn’t sound like a bad idea either. I wonder, is it possible to surgically attach a hump to my back?

“ABBY! What the hell is wrong with you today?” Taylor demanded, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. “You’ve spoken, like, two words to me all through school and now you continue to ignore me while I am deliberately talking to you! What are your issues, man?”

Gee, Taylor, I’m only dealing with the perverted psychological burden of wanting to have sex with the body I’m in. And how was your day?

“I’m just tired,” I lied, bending down to pick up some cutouts that were on the floor. As I avoided eye contact, I could feel his smoldering glare burning a hole in the back of my head.

“Tired?” He asked, incredulous.

I nodded, praying he’d be convinced. He clearly didn’t believe me, judging by the pissed off expression gracing his face, but he chose to stew about it rather than push the issue. We taped all the insignificant construction paper Taylor had previously laid out erratically onto the wall in silence. Our “artwork” seemed to reflect our moods as the wall became an abstract, chaotic cornucopia of construction papered crap.

After we finished disfiguring the wall, Taylor and I decided to take a greatly needed soda break. We thankfully headed toward the vending machine quietly. He quickly got himself a Dr. Pepper (after I fought the urge to ask him to get diet instead) and I got a Sprite. I took a long swig, wishing there was a little vodka mixed in it to help ease my troubled thoughts.

“Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we had sex?”

Sweet Jesus, did he just say what I think he just said?!? Oh my God, did he actually know? How could he know? Is it written on my forehead? If Zac told him, well, I’d break every bone I could find.

Taylor burst out laughing. “Okay, apparently you haven’t. You can wipe the disgusted look off your face now. You seriously haven’t wondered what it would be like? Not even once?” He shook his head in disbelief. “I think it would be very helpful to learn all the fun spots to touch a girl. I’d become the greatest lover ever! Mwahaha!”

Taylor, I bet you’re already the greatest lover ever.

Well, maybe second to Isaac the Incredible.

That’s it. The next bridge I come to, I’m tossing myself over it.

“Would you stop looking at me like I’m the king of perverts?” Taylor asked, his cheeks reddening slightly. “I’m a guy. I can’t help but think about sex.”

“Taylor, if we had sex, I’d lose my virginity to myself,” I muttered, blushing as well. Even my ears were hot.

“Is that a bad thing?” He asked, grinning. He took another loud swallow of soda.

I glared at him. “Are you kidding me? Of course it is! Besides, you wouldn’t want to have sex as a female virgin. It would hurt.”

“Hmm, I guess,” he mused, with a shrug. “But how bad can it be? I think it would be kind of cool to learn what the other way feels like.”

“You would,” I mumbled, rolling my eyes. I suppose there was a touch of curiosity within me that thought it wasn’t such a bad idea. But don’t forget that I am now, as of this morning, an evil, dirty person. “And you have no idea how much it hurts. My sister told me every gory detail about her first time and it sounds horrific!”

Taylor’s eyes sparked with curiosity. “Oh, I wanna know! I wanna know!”

Perhaps if my sister wasn’t such a raging bitch, I would have felt remorse about telling her personal business.

“Okay, well she was fifteen when she had sex with her boyfriend, Peter Durlang. They were in the backseat of his ’91 Cavalier and I guess she was so nervous that she was shaking and everything. Anyway, I guess after about twenty minutes of trying to find a semi-comfortable position, they finally got down to business. She said that he had the gentleness of a chainsaw. She said that when he was fondling her breasts it was as if he was grating them like cheese.”

Taylor snorted. “That’s because he was fifteen and probably was scared out of his mind! Cut the kid a break.”

I couldn’t help but role my eyes at him yet again. Taylor would stick up for the inept loser. “I’m not finished! So, they’re muddling through some kind of lame foreplay and then he goes to stick it in. She said it felt as thought she was being ripped apart and the guy was trying his best to be gentle. She said it took them, like, four tries before he could get it all the way in.”

Taylor’s face was scrunched in disgust. “Ew, really?”

“Yeah, and then she said that there was blood everywhere!”

Taylor put his hands up. “Hey, I’ve had about all I can handle in the female bleeding department. Your period finally decided to cut me a break.”

I shrugged. “Sorry, but that’s how a lot of first times are for girls. Lots of pain, blood, and awkwardness. Hate to burst your bubble about the sensual, romanticized tales of men awakening women to the pure joy of womanhood.” I took another sip of sprite. “That’s not reality.”

“I’d be careful.”

“Don’t you mean I’d be careful?” I exclaimed. “Hello, I’m the one with the penis! And frankly, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with it.”

“I’d guide you through it.”

“Enough already!” He really needed to stop trying to convince me to have sex with him. One of these times I’m not going to be able to refuse it. And what the hell is making him so horny anyway?

It then finally dawned on me why Taylor wanted to have sex with “me.” He wouldn’t really be having sex with me, he’d be fucking himself. He’d probably want to watch his own facial expressions while the other narcissistic qualities he possesses would come barreling out. Wow… I never thought arrogance would sink to such a sick level.

“What if you were piss drunk?”

“TAYLOR! For the love of God, cease all conversation pertaining to the farce that you and I would ever sleep together! It’s not going to happen! Never!” All I need to do is remind my subconscious that little tidbit.

Taylor sighed and finished the rest of his soda. “So, are you saying never as in ever?”

Can murder please be permitted for a day? If I were to murder Taylor at this very moment, I find it highly unlikely that a jury would imprison me. After all, I’d only be defending myself from losing whatever sanity I still have. I feel like I lose IQ points just from breathing the same air as him.

“Taylor, if you don’t shut the hell up about…”

“Hey guys!” Brooke Thompson exclaimed, entering the hallway we were sitting in. Her perfect, shiny blonde hair was bouncing behind her as she sauntered down the hallway. Taylor visibly stiffened as his goddess approached us happily.

“Hey, Brooke!” I exclaimed, smiling casually.

She turned and grinned at me. “So, are you set for our date tomorrow night?”

I turned tomato red. I had completely forgotten all about that! “Oh, um, yeah. Did I mention that it’s going to be a double date? You know, to make everyone a little more comfortable and all. I hope you’re okay with that.”

She smiled. “That sounds great. I can’t wait.”

Taylor looked like he was about to start humping her leg. His mouth was open and it was as if he was about to pant all over her. It was as if she was a great big, juicy bone...

Did anyone else just catch that?

“Well, I have to get going,” Brooke began, with a sigh. “My stepmom wants to redecorate the main dining room and has the strangest notion that I actually care.” She turned to Taylor for a moment. “I was wondering if after the date you wanted to spend the night. Since you got stuck with this bullshit detention thing we haven’t had that much time to hang out together.”

Taylor’s eyes sparkled mischievously. “That sounds absolutely lovely. I’ll be there.”

Brooke clapped her hands giddily. “Yea! I can’t wait! See you guys tomorrow night... Oh, when were you going to pick me up?” Taylor threw the cap of his soda at my head to get my attention.

“Oh, yeah, sorry, I’ll pick you up at eight?” I questioned. I couldn’t believe Taylor was actually making me go through with this stupid date! What would Brooke ever do if she realized that she was really going out with a girl instead of a guy? Frankly, I don’t feel particularly comfortable lying to my best friend. And I feel extremely grossed out going out with another girl period.

As soon as Brooke had left the building, I shot Taylor a nasty glare. He didn’t notice for a few minutes because he was too wrapped up in watching the love of his life walking away from him. It was only when his brain finally processed the fact that she was actually no longer in the building did he snap out of his trance.

“What are you looking at me like that for?” Taylor asked, defensively.

I groaned. “Let’s see, Taylor. First you ask me to have sex with you and then you gawk stupidly at the first girl you see. I’m simply showing my distaste for your obnoxious, hormonal-driven tendencies.”

He nodded. “Okay, I get that.” He stood and brushed some dust off of his skirt. “Wanna get started on this wall here?”

I sighed and stood as well. This is how the relationship between Taylor and I would always be. We’d piss each other off like it’s our jobs and then simply ignore it when we decided we were sick of arguing. It was as if we had no idea who the other person really was, yet at the same time understood them in some small, perfect way.