Chapter 6 - FAAAARRRRTTTTT

ABBY

I lifted my head up slightly and wiped my tears away.  Crying over some stupid boy who doesn’t care about you is just a waste of time.  I frowned.  My hands felt unusually rough and I’d been applying plenty of moisturizer to prevent that!

“Stupid boy!”  I exclaimed, firmly.  I coughed, hoping that would get rid of the strange hoarseness of my voice.  “Hello…ahem…hello…” Cough.  “What the hell is wrong with my voice?” 

And then I looked in the mirror.

“Holy shit I look like a boy!”  I touched my drastically different face ruefully.  It was real.  I felt my face redden with anger.  This was Taylor’s doing.  He must have put some kind of gypsy curse on me or something.

Was this physically possible?  Could someone’s mind actually be trapped in the body of someone else?  I knew for a fact I was not dreaming.  I could feel my face, or rather, his face. 

I stumbled out of the bathroom immediately.  I needed to find him, actually me, as soon as possible to switch back.  I would laugh and say that it was a good joke and then he could put us back the way we belonged.  And then I would castrate him.

I groaned as I made my way down the ornate staircase.  I could not wait to get out of this gawky, sweaty body.  These pants made me feel as though I was swimming in sweat.  What was he thinking when he put those on?

The only thing positive about being stuck in the body of a disgusting male, was that the alcohol wasn’t affecting him as strongly as it was definitely affecting me.  The only thing preventing me from actually being comfortable were those ridiculous leather pants.  I only hoped he was enjoying his heels and tube top.

Ugh, finding him would be impossible in this throng of people.  There had to be a billion people here and I most certainly didn’t have the type of body to stand out.  Okay, dark hair, dark skin…where am I?  Dark girl wearing all white, shouldn’t be so hard to find.  However, seeing as how nearly every female owned her own personal tanning booth at this gathering, finding a distinct dark girl was turning out to be more difficult than I had thought.

“Taylor!”

Where the hell was I?  I was going to kill him when I found him.  This joke was getting older by the minute and I was actually starting to panic.  I needed to get back into my body NOW!

“Taylor!  Are you okay, man?  Yo, Tay!”

Yep, I was going to strangle him with my bare hands and he would beg me with his last gasping breath to spare his pathetic life.  I would simply laugh at his petty request.

“Tay?”  Jason asked, putting his hands on my shoulders.  He was panting and gasping for desperately needed oxygen.  “Are you stoned, man?  I’ve been calling you for like, five minutes!”

“Are you talking to me?”  I asked, snottily.  “I wasn’t good enough to talk to before but now that you’re alone and desperate you come crawling back.  You’re such a GUY!”

His head tilted and he just stared at me.  “You really have been smoking pot.  You’re paranoid, man.  And, I hate to add to the paranoia, but we really gotta get out of here!  You see, I was flirting with this girl and I didn’t know she had an enormous wrestler boyfriend.  I’d like to keep my spine intact so we really need to split.”

“I can’t leave without Taylor!”  I protested, pushing him away from me.

“I know you’re dealing with issues right now but I will drag you out by your hair if I have to,” he insisted, grabbing my arm and forcefully pulling me along with him.  I tried to pull away but the grip Jason had on me was too strong.  “This guy will cream me if we don’t get out of here.  We need to get gone before he finds me.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t hit on girls with boyfriends,” I pointed out.  What was I thinking?  I didn’t have time for this!  I needed to find Taylor and I needed to find him now.  He couldn’t reverse this curse if he couldn’t find me.  I’ll bet he was waiting for me somewhere right now.  “Jason, stop!  I need to get Taylor.”

“Tay, you’re really starting to scare me.  From now on you’re not taking any kind of chemical substance when you’re around me,” Jason muttered, shaking his head.  I continued my useless attempt to escape his death grip but I simply couldn’t free myself.  I felt tears start to well up in my eyes.  I was trapped in a boy’s body and I couldn’t get out.

“Look, I don’t know how to tell you this but I’m not Taylor,” I whispered, desperately seeking freedom.  “I’m Abby.  You know, one of the girls you hit on.  Somehow we switched bodies or something.  I can’t leave with you because I need to find my body so we can switch back.”

“Dude, I swear to God I will never ever smoke pot again,” Jason mumbled, shaking his head.  “I can’t believe its affect on you.  No more for me man.  No more for me.”

“I’m telling you the truth!”  I exclaimed, beginning to cry.  “You need to let go of me!  Please, let me find Taylor.  I need to find him!  Let go of me!  If you need to leave so badly then go without me!”

He rolled his eyes.  “I’m not leaving you here, man.  You’re my friend.  I’m not abandoning you here just because you’re having a good time with all the drugs and women.  You’re a basket case right now.  You’re a complete wreck and I need to get you home in your bed!”

“Taylor!”  I shouted, praying with my life that he would hear me.  Jason shoved me out the front door and I felt my stomach drop.  “TAYLOR!”

“Shut up, Tay!”  Jason hissed, covering my mouth with his hand.  “You want everyone else to know you’re drugged up?  I’m starting to wonder if you indulged in more than pot.  I think you’re losing your sanity.”

I sat down in the passenger side of Jason’s car in complete silence.  I needed a plan of action.  There was no way I was going to go to Taylor’s house with his family and pretend to be him.  There was no way.  I didn’t even know his sibling’s names, all I knew was what I learned from the lunch table.  I hoped all he had were the two brothers that were in his band.  Maybe I’d be lucky and he’d have a really small family.  Remembering the names would be a piece of cake.

Reality check: why would I need to remember Taylor Hanson’s sibling’s names?  I am NOT Taylor Hanson.  I am going to get out of this putrid body (and more importantly these putrid pants) and never see these people again.  Okay, I needed a plan of attack.  Everything would be just four leaf clovers if I could just calm down and think.  I needed to find Taylor.  Taylor was undoubtedly in my body.  Therefore, he would inevitably end up in my house sooner or later.  I would escape the Hanson household tonight and go to my house and force Taylor to give me my body back.

Brooke… Oh my God I was supposed to sleep over.  HE was sleeping over!  Now I get it.  This was part of some dark, sinister plan to get to Brooke!  Taylor Hanson is some kind of sick-o male pervert trying to get a peek of Brooke Thompson!  I couldn’t believe his pathetic desperation.  I mean, switching bodies with some girl just to get to hang out with Brooke for a night was downright unheard of.  This was the kind of stuff people get locked away for. 

"Fucking pervert…” I muttered, folding my arms across my chest.

Jason looked over at me worriedly.  We were driving down a main street at the moment.  We had driven in silence the entire time so far, since I had decided pouting was the way to go.  I could tell Jason was freaked out.  He was tapping the wheel with his index finger repeatedly and three seconds didn’t pass without him glancing over at me.  In a way it showed that Jason, Mr. I’ll Flirt With the Whole Damn State, had a caring side.

“Who’s a pervert?”  He asked, softly.

“Ta…” I stopped myself.  “ME.”

Jason smiled.  “No, you’re not.  You can’t help it if women are naturally drawn to you.  If they want it, how are you being the pervert?”

“Ugh, women actually find this appealing?”  I retorted, wondering how in the hell I was ever going to get these pants off.  It almost seemed as though the leather was his own skin, the pants were so tight.  How does one breathe? 

“Man, you know you’ve never had any trouble finding yourself a woman.”

“Well, I’ll tell you something,” I began, running my hand through my sweaty hair.  Disgusting… “I am a stupid, stupid boy.  When Abby finds me, she’ll dismember me.  And I totally deserve it because I’m a lowlife loser who should be eliminated from the human race.”

Jason shook his head and turned down a quiet street.  “I don’t know what’s up with you tonight.  And I don’t know what you did with Abby but if you think it’s that bad you should probably call her tomorrow and talk about it.  She seemed like a nice girl when I talked to her so I’m sure if you call her she’ll be cool about it.”

I snorted.  “Don’t be so sure.  So, um, you say you spoke with her?  What did you think about her?”  I grinned evily.  Perhaps being stuck in a boy suit had an upside.  I was just “one of the guys” now.

He turned down another street.  “She was cute.  She seemed nice too.  But then she went off with Brooke and I knew it was over for me then.  Unlike you, I know my place.”  He chuckled.  “But you could definitely get her if you wanted to.”

“Ew, Taylor is not all of that and a bag of chips,” I insisted.  “I don’t know why you put him above yourself.  I mean me, not him.  Gee, I can’t seem to stop talking in the third person tonight!”  I pretended to laugh at myself.  Nice save…NOT!

We didn’t talk for the duration of our car trip.  It was nice to know he thought positively about me.  I wasn’t just some piece of ass or anything.  And, it was kind of a confidence booster that he actually thought I was out of his league.  If he only knew…

Before I knew it, Jason turned into a driveway.  The house was enormous, though not nearly as impressive as Brooke’s.  Brooke’s mansion (which could be easily mistaken for a continent) was pretty hard to top.  I’ve seen Hilton hotels smaller that Brooke’s pad.  But this house was nice.  It was beautiful actually, with an alluring “homey” quality that Brooke’s house, despite its massive size, seriously lacked.

“Aren’t you going to get out, man?” 

I snapped back at attention.  “Oh, right.  This is my house.  The place where I live.”  I slowly unbuckled my seatbelt.  What the hell was I getting myself into?  “Thank you for the lovely ride home, Jason.”

Jason rolled his eyes.  “So, now you’re calling me Jason?  Sick of Ashley, huh?”

"Did you switch bodies with a girl named Ashley by any chance?”  I asked, crossing my fingers.  Then he would surely believe me.

He simply shook his head.  “Dude, you need to seriously chill when you get into the house.  If your mom picks up on your condition she’ll have a conniption fit and kick your ass three ways to China.  Just, walk in there and smile.  Talk as infrequently as possible and just head straight for the bedroom, pleading exhaustion.”

“Thanks for the advice…dude,” I replied, shaking my head.  Men were idiots.  After receiving another reassuring smile from Jason, I made my way up to the front door.  They left it unlocked for me and I opened it as quietly as possible.  I tiptoed into the house and shut the door quietly behind me.  The Hansons truly had a beautiful home.  But I had to refrain from all my snooping for the moment.  I had to find the bedroom.

Oh my God, where was his bedroom?  I couldn’t wait until I hit the sheets, even though the thought of lying on some random boy’s dirty, nasty sheets repulsed me.  His body was completely exhausted though, as was my mind.  Tonight had been certainly draining.

“Hey there, Tay!”  A voice exclaimed.

I let out a little scream and immediately my heart started beating faster.  It was pounding so hard against my chest I was afraid it would push its way out.  I had never been so startled in my entire life.

“Um, hi,” I mumbled, sheepishly. 

The woman walked closer and I could tell she was wearing some sort of bathrobe.  Her long blonde hair was swept up in a messy bun and she had a beaming smile on her face.

“How was your night, honey?  Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah, it was definitely a different experience.”  I wasn’t lying.

“Well, it’s awful late.  You should get some sleep,” the woman suggested.  “Just try not to wake Ike and Zac when you get in your room.  You know how crabby they get when they get woken up in the middle of the night.”

“Oh boy, I do,” I replied, feeling sweat forming on my brow.  This family made me so nervous.  Obviously no one would notice I wasn’t really Taylor but the thought plagued me just the same.  “Goodnight.”  I turned towards the stairs and silently groaned.  A house like this and I still have to share a room with two brothers?  This was just super.

The hallway was enormous and every single door was thankfully somewhat left ajar.  I peered inside the first room and noticed two young girls sleeping.  That obviously was the wrong room.  Taylor had two sisters and two brothers?  Great, even more names to forget.  I went to the next room across the hall and heard distinctive snoring.  This had to be the right room!  I walked in noticed there was only one bed.  Either this was his parents’ room or Taylor had a forty-year-old brother.   The score so far: Abby-zero, the world-2.  I don’t know exactly what life had against me, but it must hold a hefty grudge.

Finally, I believe I found the correct room.  There were a set of older looking bunk beds and a single bed on the other side of the room.  The single bed, much to my dismay, was taken by a heavily snoring body.  I ruefully turned to the bunk beds in utter disgust.  Through process of elimination, I gathered that Taylor’s bunk had to be the bottom one since that was the one that lacked a body. 

Was this guy born in a barn or something?  There were dirty clothes all over it and it smelled kind of funky.  Who can sleep in such a heinous mess?  Clothes… That thought led me to yet another downfall.

How was I supposed to undress?  I knew that I was male on the exterior, but I was painfully female on the interior.  Despite the fact that these boys were sleeping I was going to feel more than uncomfortable changing my clothes in front of them.  Since finding a bathroom in this maze of the house just wasn’t something I was ready for, I decided to just pray that they wouldn’t wake up.

I apprehensively made my way to the dresser and decided to press my luck.  I would sooner die than sleep in these atrociously uncomfortable leather pants.  I held my breath as I cautiously opened the top drawer.  You can never be too careful when opening drawers belonging to boys… there’s just no telling what can pop out at you.  Nothing jumped out and attacked me thankfully, but the drawer was in complete disarray.  Clothes were balled up and so wrinkly I wondered how they ever dressed themselves when they had to be with the public.  Most of their stuff in this drawer looked like it should have gone to the Salvation Army about three generations ago.

I picked out some random green t-shirt, smelling it before I made a final decision.  It was passable.  Thank God this was his body and not mine I was putting this crap on.  Next mission: find some shorts.  I opened the next drawer quietly and peered inside.  There were some sweatshirts and flannel shirts (who wears flannel shirts anymore?) in that one.  The one underneath that one thankfully had plenty of shorts.  I pulled out a pair of Adidas shorts and smiled triumphantly.  I just created an ensemble for Taylor.  It was much more practical than the ridiculous get-up he was wearing right now too.  Mine was actually breathable. 

A terrible, horrible, wretched thought interrupted my train of thought.  I am going to have to undress and dress his body.  That means that eventually he would have to undress mine!  I nearly gagged from the thought.  Oh, I needed to throw up.  This was too much for me to handle!  God only knows what he was doing to my poor, poor body.  He was probably looking at and touching everything!  By the end of the night I’m sure he knew my body better than he knew his own!  This was really too sickening to deal with.  Okay, breathe in and then breathe out.  Inhale, exhale. 

There was nothing I could do about this entire fucked up situation.  I had to pray that Taylor would keep the perversion to a minimum and that I would shortly return to my rightful body and continue down the path of normalcy.  Maybe Taylor was even being a gentleman?  Okay, maybe he wasn’t.  But I am a much better person than he, so I will not look at his naked body as I undress.  There would be nothing to get excited over either because I think he looks like he’s nothing but skin and bones.

The black t-shirt came off easily and I quickly threw on the green one.  See?  Nothing but cake, Abby.  You go girl!  I unbuttoned the button on the leather pants and undid the zipper.  Okay, that wasn’t so hard.  I pulled at them as hard as I could but the pants hardly moved. 

I groaned.  I should have known that it wasn’t going to be so easy.  Nothing in life is so why spoil me, right?  I tugged at them once more and they gave only slightly.  My legs were so sweaty and hot that I felt as though I had a fever or something.  Taylor must really have issues against personal comfort and breathing room.  Gritting my teeth, I managed to yank the pants down to his ankles.

Oh, the nausea.  Why does life hate me so? 

Taylor has decided not to wear any underwear this evening.

“I hate you Taylor Hanson,” I whispered, wishing I could wipe away the horrid mental image flooding my memory.  Great, now I had seen his disgusting penis.  I would be scarred for eternity.

I threw the leather pants from hell into the far corner of the room and pulled on the black shorts.  They felt much better.  After tossing the array of clothing scattered across what I suppose some would consider a bed, I eased myself onto it.  The last thing I wanted to do was awake the sleeping giant above me.

The bed above me creaked slightly as the boy tossed and turned.  It seemed as though sleep would be impossible tonight, though I’d already assumed it would be.  I pulled his blankets, which really didn’t smell so bad, up closer to my chin and tried to close my eyes.  I needed some rest to better myself for the total war I was plotting against the real Taylor Hanson.

FAAAARRRRTTTTT.

Oh, gross.  Someone obviously consumed too much Mexican for dinner.  The creaking was unpleasant but able to be ignored while the snoring was just one more thing to put up with.  Farting in one’s sleep is just where I draw the direly needed line.  It was no wonder the roomed smelled so abhorrently.  

What could I have possibly done to deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment?  Why couldn’t Taylor have decided to choose Uma to switch bodies with?  Why did it have to be me?  Just when things were starting to go right for me for once in my life assholes like Taylor Hanson have to turn me into a guy!  I just don’t understand the way life works sometimes.

About a half an hour later, my eyes were growing extremely heavy.  I prayed for sleep.  My eyes finally closed and I remember escaping my stressful thoughts of worry for a ticket to dreamland.  I finally felt my body relax and ease its tension.

FFFFFFAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTTT.

I really hate you, Taylor Hanson.