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For most of my life, I believed that there was, out beyond the confines of my immediate senses, something much greater than any human. Actually, I felt that I always "knew" and it was more than a mere belief. Some "being" had to have created all the beauty I see around me such as the mountains, valleys, streams, blue skies, birds, oceans and so much more! This creator of the universe was greater than anything I could fathom. This governor of the universe was all-powerful and could move mountains with a whisper from His breath. I believed in the Lord Almighty with all my logic and all my heart!
When a relative or friend passed away or when bad things happened to good people, I knew that it was not for me to understand. It was God's divine intervention as He works in mysterious ways. I'd learned this early on in my growing years, as it was the most reasonable response all the adults told me. Who was I to question? I'm one of God's children and I knew He was going to take care of me. To question meant to not believe in the Lord's almighty powers and abilities. He loves every single person on His Earth. I also "knew" that He gave His only son to wash away the sins of the world. What greater way to show His love to His children than to sacrifice His only son? I followed His instructions through my lifestyle and reverence for Him and was very meticulous about how I behaved and acted so that I could have a chance to join Him in His Kingdom.
I maintained this cherished Christian belief and faith until 1996. That was the year that changed everything! I met my new father-in-law to be. Now, that's a hair-raising experience for any man wanting to ask a father for his daughter's hand in marriage! Yes, I still did things the old fashioned way. I grew up with a Southern Baptist extended family and Roman Catholic immediate family. Everyone was quite conservative to the extreme!
When I got to talking with my future father-in-law, we discussed all sorts of things such as his experiences of being a Vietnam veteran with three tours of duty under his belt, my experiences as a professional counselor, and, you've guessed it, religion! He told me that he often spent days on end without leaving a foxhole in Vietnam with no one around to speak with. He often read the Holy Bible from beginning to end over and over. He quizzed me about my religious beliefs in a modest way and I defended the Catholic beliefs I cherished and believed in. He then asked me about my thoughts and knowledge of Genesis 4:15-17, "The Lord replied, 'They won't kill you, for I will give seven times your punishment to anyone who does.' Then the Lord put an identifying mark on Cain as a warning not to kill him. So Cain went out from the presence of the Lord and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden. Then Cain's wife conceived and presented him with a baby son named Enoch; so when Cain founded a city, he named it Enoch, after his son."
I realized that I never really thought about that passage in the Bible and that, when I was honest with myself, I never really knew the Bible as well as I thought. How in the heck could God send Cain into banishment in a land named 'Nod' and put a mark so "they" can't kill him? Then he met his wife and had a son naming his new city after his son. I started to think about this as it went against everything I thought had happened! There already had to be a place named "Nod." Who named it? God? And why did he need a mark on himself? Who would kill him? Certainly not his parents! And then why would Cain need a city if it were only a three-person household? So many things made so little sense to me at that point. The bug was planted and the rest is history. Of course, I read things on the subject and talked with the experts and they all either had no answer or each answer was different!
Determined to have answers to rebut him later in life, I started my own crusade of sorts to learn more about my belief system so that no one could ever challenge me. After all, believing in something that I'm ready to die for is worth knowing intimately, isn't it? I spent the next two years going to bookstores to read books, speaking with a minister and a priest, discussing faith and beliefs with other upstanding Christians and reading the Bible with much more intensity. I was NOT going to be caught with my pants down again!
However, the more I learned, the more my faith shook. The more answers I sought, the less I really knew. I started seeing contradictions and inconsistencies on numerous issues and passages. Neither the priests nor ministers had any answers for me. It seemed that the immediate generic response was, "You're just going through a phase we all go through, son. Your faith will be strengthened as you go through this journey." What kind of hooey is that? They gave me books to read on similar accounts. They had training for years upon years! I trusted them and continued on my quest. Unfortunately, nothing was quenching my thirst!
It was then that I started to think for myself instead of relying on "experts" or books or testimony. I never challenged my beliefs and knowledge before. I never had a reason to. It was this thinking that lead me to formulate theories that I never knew already existed! As I thought more philosophical while using my sociological training, I came to the conclusion that man made God! Throughout history, man feared the unknown or things he could not explain. That led to mythology and eventually to religion. It's the only thing that made sense to me. We fear death so we create a wonderful imaginary world called heaven. We cannot understand why a mother would kill her five children so we explain it stating that God has reasons for what he does that we may never understand. This is NOT good enough for me.
As I started observing Christians all around me, I began to see how hypocritical most seemed to appear and I was a part of that! They would sin repeatedly, yet cast judgment on others. They would talk about God's eternal love and forgiveness in one breath while discussing their intolerance of the Islam religion as being barbaric. They would invite me to demonstrate the love of their congregation but be dangerous and rude to other drivers as we sped our way to their church! One person told me that if I didn't serve the Lord, I served Satan. Another told me that only God's chosen children could understand the Bible so everything I interpreted was not inspired meaning I actually knew nothing about the 'good word.' Most felt that Satan was working his magic on me. Many would spew Bible quotations that "wisdom and knowledge" were for fools. Why did I waste my time gaining a higher education? Good grief! So much for 'love thy neighbor' and 'judge not lest ye be judged'!
It all made sense. I could see clearly now and I was ashamed that I was part of the whole intolerant way of thinking. I was ashamed that my faith was responsible for the destruction of millions of people and cultures and religions. I was ashamed that most Christians I met knew very little about their beliefs as did I. When I learned more, people would detach from me. When I brought up the topic that burned inside of me, the less I would hear from those whom I thought were my friends. I never realized that it took Christians to force me to open my mind and heart to the realization that no one individual can know what the whole truth is!
I'm neither an atheist nor theist. I'm an agnostic. I'm at a stage where I am finally comfortable! I view a supreme being like I do life in outer space: I really don't know if it exists (I must admit that it seems far-fetched), but I'd be naïve to think it was impossible! How can anyone say that they "know" the absolute truth? Many do!
I refuse to believe in God as an insurance policy. Believe it or not, one minister told me that it was better to believe "just in case" He does exist. Well, I don't believe that any being would want someone's belief "just in case" and I will not do so. I think it is a greater tragedy to believe half-heartedly than to say, "I don't know." I'd rather lose friends and family who judge me for the beliefs I hold dearly today than to pretend that I believe in God when I don't. I have lost relationships but I have gained self-respect.
This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. - William Shakespeare
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