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My religious background began with my mother teaching me about the Catholic religion. As a young child, I would drift off looking at the statues, hoping that they might spring to life to tell me something important. I was also educated in Catholic schools and Sunday school. As I aged, I went to church because I liked to sing and thought the practice would improve my voice. I was in choir and wanted to sing better. But when I reached my teen years, I had an experience that still impacts me today. After church, as my family walked to our car; a man in a big rush tried to back-up out of his parking spot. Because of the endless stream of people walking, he could not back-up. Angrily, he opened his door and cursed at the people while screaming, "Get out of the way!!"
This event got me to thinking. The man who cursed really didn't gain anything from attending church. He gained no peace or anything approaching religion from church. So, I began to question myself as to why I went to church. Did I believe? Did I pay attention? Suddenly, I started to examine what I was doing in church. I started to examine what church was for. In a very short time, I discovered that I really never once paid attention. I discovered that I really didn't believe what I had learned from studying the Bible. I decided that I needed a sign from God to see if he existed. I decided upon a simple prayer to be answered. If the prayer was unanswered, then God didn't answer prayer. Why believe in God if prayers are not answered? My prayer was a very simple one. I asked to find "a woman who could love me as much as I loved her." And if this prayer was unanswered, then I was not going to attend church anymore.
I have continued to pray and to follow the path, as best I could see, of goodness and kindness. I never allowed bitterness or hatred to come into my heart. But my prayer is still unanswered.
I have followed the covenant I made with God regardless of the lack of answer to my prayer. I have had many other prayers answered, and have received many gifts that cannot be explained as natural order. My life is more connected with Godly things than most people who attend church every week, or every day. I have discovered that, if I follow what I believe, then I have contentment and direction with my life.
Because of my respect and high regard of my dear friends, I have attempted and will continue to question and search out God within my life, hoping for any sign or a change of heart. I have attended church with my friends and have enjoyed Bible study with them. I have found Bible study very enjoyable but church service is still meaningless to me. I am hoping that I can force the doors open to faith with the help of my friends. But the lack of progress is frustrating to my friends and myself.
I have cobbled together a faith system that I have observed within my life. This faith system seems to answer my needs, despite the risks I take when I challenge my beliefs with my friends. Despite the fact that the people who I respect and love the most may or can loose respect in me for my odd beliefs, my faith system will not weaken. I can only hope that my sincere wish to believe and understand will allow me to join them, and my faith system will change and grow into something that my friends and I can be proud of.
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